Advice...Need Answers Quick!

[justgettingstarted]

DCB showed up at 10:30 today still wearing an overnight diaper that was drooping down to his knees (pee no poop). Mom has primary custody and handles all daycare issues but dad occasionally drops off or picks up. Should I tell mom about this at pick up today
or wait until I see dad again and deal directly with him? This is my first shared custody situation, thanks!

[Michael]

I would say to tell the father this time around. If it becomes a pattern I would then tell the mother. Hopefully others will also have advice soon.

[justgettingstarted]

Thank you! Grandma (mom's mom) picked up just now so I let it go for today.

[daycare]

I would address it with both of them, I think that the mom has the right to know. Not only that, should the child develop some kind of rash from the dad continuing to do this, you are going to be held for blame.

I would address it with both mom and dad today.

[littlemissmuffet]

I agree with daycare, I would address the issue with both parents - together, at the same time.

[countrymom]

it all depends on what kind of relationship mom and dad have. I have a dad who could care less, so I let mom know everything and she then deals with the problem and the ex.

[justgettingstarted]

Thanks. I feel like I should tell mom because as a mom I would want to know but i also don't want to cause problems. I hadn't thought of potentially being blamed for a rash. That's why I love this forum Mom will drop off tomorrow morning so I will let her know then and just tread lightly.

[Kiki]

I agree about letting them both know, it's something they both need to be aware of.

[Crazy8]

honestly if it was a one time thing I would either let it go or mention it to the dad. I wouldn't go "tattling" to the mom the ONE time dad forgot to change the diaper.
I have occasionally had it happen here, parent got the child up and dressed and brought over and never realized they didn't change the diaper when they got them dressed. I will mention it at pick up but its never been a case of separated parents.

Also, I know its not exactly the same, but I also have children who have woken from nap dry and 20 min. later its like you poured a bucket of water in their diaper - looks like I hadn't changed them ALL DAY.

I would tell mom only if it became a reoccurring problem.

[Blackcat31]

honestly if it was a one time thing I would either let it go or mention it to the dad. I wouldn't go "tattling" to the mom the ONE time dad forgot to change the diaper.
I have occasionally had it happen here, parent got the child up and dressed and brought over and never realized they didn't change the diaper when they got them dressed. I will mention it at pick up but its never been a case of separated parents.

Also, I know its not exactly the same, but I also have children who have woken from nap dry and 20 min. later its like you poured a bucket of water in their diaper - looks like I hadn't changed them ALL DAY.

I would tell mom only if it became a reoccurring problem.

I am a huge advocate for open communication but I agree with Crazy8. I wouldn't go "tattling" to mom if this was a one time thing.

I don't think it would be productive at all. As a matter of fact, I think it will make you look like kind of petty as being a child care provider I feel like it is part of the job to assess the situation and determine whether or not it warrants documentation, discussion with one or both parents or to do nothing at all.

I personally think it may be adding fuel to an already uncomfortable situation with separated/divorced parents to be "tattling" what one does to another. If you really feel it is necessary to address the issue with someone, I say to mention it to dad and then ONLY tell mom if it should happen again.

Being a single, part time parent (mom or dad) is tough sometimes and I think we should support more than critisize....kwim?

[My3cents]

I would casually mention it to the Dad. Little Guy's diaper was not changed this morning when he got to daycare. Can you please make sure he is clean, changed and dressed and ready to go for the day from now on. I appreciate that. I bet he just figured you would do it, or he had a brain fart and just didn't change it. Another thing, sometimes kids will pee on the ride over in the morning. IF the parent has given a bottle it can be a lot of fluid and seem like an overnight diaper. I would just mention it nicely and then watch to see if it happens again- then he knows you know.

I have a parent that sometimes brings her child in pj's with his clothes and ask me because she is running late. I do it. She doesn't do it all the time and I can help, I don't mind. If she did it all the time, we would be having a sit down chat. We are talking a once in a blue moon- but you have to be careful those blue moons can turn to an every evening moon- or morning moon....tee hee

I would not go to the mother, it was not the mothers issue- I deal with whoever is dropping or picking up

best-

[daycare]

I am a huge advocate for open communication but I agree with Crazy8. I wouldn't go "tattling" to mom if this was a one time thing.

I don't think it would be productive at all. As a matter of fact, I think it will make you look like kind of petty as being a child care provider I feel like it is part of the job to assess the situation and determine whether or not it warrants documentation, discussion with one or both parents or to do nothing at all.

I personally think it may be adding fuel to an already uncomfortable situation with separated/divorced parents to be "tattling" what one does to another. If you really feel it is necessary to address the issue with someone, I say to mention it to dad and then ONLY tell mom if it should happen again.

Being a single, part time parent (mom or dad) is tough sometimes and I think we should support more than critisize....kwim?

Sorry, guess we have to agree to disagree. No matter what the issue may be, big or small, I would always tell both parents.

I think that the first thing you needed to do when you took this child, is let both of the parents know that you will always communicate with both of them at all time regarding their child. I would also tell them that they need to keep their arguments between the two of them, not to involve me. You need to stand you ground as a messenger, not a mediator

DCD is not a child, you are not tattling on him. He knows he did something wrong. It's not like his child is 3 days old and he does not know how and when to change this childs diaper. He deserves to hear a mouthful from this mother and she has the right to know. Even if the mom does not say anything to this dad, the mom still has a right to know.

Currently I have a mother who is trying very hard to get full custody of her daughter. The father is horrible (I could go on for days about the stuff this guy does), yet the state still awards him partial custody of the child to him. Any time that this father sneezes wrong with this child and the mother knows about it, she documents it and it end up in their court records. Next month the mother goes to court to try to get full custody and the lawyer told her that because of the documented logs that the lawyer does not see a reason WHY the mother won't get awarded full custody with limited vistation to the father.


Yes this may sound silly all over a wet diaper, but this may not be the only thing that the father is neglecting.

[Blackcat31]

Sorry, guess we have to agree to disagree. No matter what the issue may be, big or small, I would always tell both parents.

I think that the first thing you needed to do when you took this child, is let both of the parents know that you will always communicate with both of them at all time regarding their child. I would also tell them that they need to keep their arguments between the two of them, not to involve me. You need to stand you ground as a messenger, not a mediator
But I am NOT a messenger. I am a child care provider and my duties include discussing issues with the person in charge of the child and on this particular day, the father was the responsible parent. I would address him and him only. I would not go reporting anything to mom as that implies that she is the ultimate authority and she isn't. She is the other EQUAL parent. Moms do NOT over rule dad's if custody is shared equally. One shouldn't have authority over another. Dad can be responsible for his own behaviors.

I highly doubt the provider reports to dad any issues mom has..... Bet this thread would be completely different if someone said a mom brought her child in a wet droopy diaper and was asking if she should report this to the dad...bet everyone's answers would be different...
DCD is not a child, you are not tattling on him. He knows he did something wrong. It's not like his child is 3 days old and he does not know how and when to change this childs diaper. He deserves to hear a mouthful from this mother and she has the right to know. Even if the mom does not say anything to this dad, the mom still has a right to know.
Again, why does he need to get an earful from the mom? She isn't his (the dad's parent) she is the other parent. As I said, I would only report if it was an issue of neglect which in my opinion is repeated behavior (in regards to wet diapers) not one time occurrances.
Also, you are right dad is an adult and so should be addressed as one, we really have no idea what the circumstances are in this case.
Currently I have a mother who is trying very hard to get full custody of her daughter. The father is horrible (I could go on for days about the stuff this guy does), yet the state still awards him partial custody of the child to him. Any time that this father sneezes wrong with this child and the mother knows about it, she documents it and it end up in their court records. Next month the mother goes to court to try to get full custody and the lawyer told her that because of the documented logs that the lawyer does not see a reason WHY the mother won't get awarded full custody with limited vistation to the father.

Unless you have actually witnessed the things that the father in your case, has done, the stuff you know is only hearsay and I wouldn't for one second take one parent's version over the others as there is 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth....kwim?

I also think it is very unfair that we expect fathers to be perfect where they can't even sneeze without it being reported back to mom yet, mom's get a bit of lea-way and don't have to live up to such high expectations...which in my opinion really doesn't help fathers be in their child's lives.

I think fathers in this country get a bad deal when it comes to wanting to be involved in their child's lives. I find it sad and sometimes not at all benficial to what is truely in the best interest of the child.

Yes this may sound silly all over a wet diaper, but this may not be the only thing that the father is neglecting.

I answered in blue. I agree that we will have to agree to disagree as I have seen mom's with waaaaay to much "power" and interfearrance in the relationship between child and father and that is what ruins good possibilities if ya ask me.

Yes, it may only be a wet diaper but it is an issue that should be discussed with the parent who did it and unless the provider tells the dad EVERYTHING the mom does when she "messes" up, she should talk this over with dad so it doesn't happen again and let him know the right thing to do is tell mom HIMSELF.

[daycare]

ahhhhhh I had a nice long reply to your answers and I got kicked off.....maybe the computer didnt like what I had to say.....

I know what you are saying, but I just feel that no matter who did what, that both parents need to be addressed at all times.
To me, there is never a situation regarding a child that is unimportant.

AND Of course I feel that fathers should be involved with their children always. I am an advocate for that. I also realize that some men just lack parenting skills and just need a little help and advice.

I was not implying that anyone should have POWER over the other, I am just saying that there should always be equal communication between both parents.
Especially if it can harm the child in anyway.

If it were something like the dad put the shoes on the wrong feet, well then you laugh and just go on with your day.

[justgettingstarted]

I thought about this overnight and I decided to let it go this time. If it happens again I will definitely discuss with DCM.

My issue is that I really don't know the relationship status of these parents. They don't live together and honestly this is only the second or third time DCD has come here so I never paid much attention. They may be together, they may not but DCD only has him over the weekend so he rarely drops off and never picks up. This is why I had planned to discuss it with DCM - I don't really have an opportunity to discuss it with DCD. But if they aren't together I really don't want to "tattle" and potentially cause any problems between them.

This is, however, the second time this has happened but last time DCM dropped him off. I usually check diapers after breakfast but before we even sat down he had leaked through his pants and onto my carpet I told grandma at pick up and she told DCM and she apologized at the next drop off and it never happened again. I understand that he could have just had a big pee on the car ride here but it was actually an overnight diaper (purple with stars and moons on it) and considering he wasn't dropped off until 10:30 I don't think he just forgot in the morning rush.