SIL concern

[Logged out]

I watch my SIL kids and her and I used to have a great relationship. I think we still would, the daycare part has in no way affected that. She has spent a few years finishing up a degree, working her butt off. Her kids have suffered and I see that everyday. She finished her degree 1 yr ago and has been working a nice, very well paying job since. She still hasn't paid 1 ounce of attention to her kids. Lately she is drinking alot since her work demands a lot from her (her excuse). I wouldn't want her job but drinking isn't solving anything. Again, her kids are suffering. Her oldest NEEDS to go to preschool, and I need a break from him. I have suggested it numerous times but she hasn't taken my advice. Money is no issue.

Lately MIL and her own mother have been on her case as have my hubs about how the kids aren't getting their needs met, promises broken etc. She blames it on them and their attitude but doesn't change.

My heart aches for these kids and I am nearing the end of my patience watching them. Both have lots of issues socially, and mentally. I need the money and will tough out the situation because where else are they going to go and not get kicked out and because I don't want to start a family riot by telling her I wont watch her kids anymore.

So, do I leave her alone and let her figure out her own issues or do I suggest to other family members that we all have a chat with her. I would love to be really direct with her and tell her her oldest needs preschool, and she needs to buckle down and get her life straight. If I do that she will probably pull the kids and blame me for being a not so nice word. I think if others say something she might get the hint, is it worth it?

[Lilbutterflie]

I think you have two choices:

1- Stick it out and know that at least these kiddos have a very loving Aunt and daycare provider! You could try to chat with her about the issues you are experiencing and hope she changes. My guess is that things won't change.

2- Sit down with her, explain the issues, give her a deadline for things to get better. Let her know that if they don't get better by the deadline, you will not watch them any longer. Be prepared for major family feuding. You have to weigh your sanity vs relationship with her and the kids.

This is why I do not do business with family or friends! I have done both, and had problems arise in each case. I have learned my lesson and vowed never to do it again.

[Blackcat31]

I think it is awesome that you are able to have a working relationship with you SIL that goes against every rule that says we should not do business with family/friends....so that point aside, I do think an intervention of some sort could be a great idea. I think if more than one family member can tell her the reality of what she is doing it won't seem as if it is just you saying it...kwim?

Now you ahve to remember though that an intervention for some people will only push them farther away so it is important that you understand it could and can go both ways. Your SIL really has to want to fix her situation. She HAS to have hit her rock bottom before she is going to change her behaviors. I think if the whole family got together and voiced your concern about her health and her parenting, then just maybe she will be receptive to the help you are all offering. I also think that you need to do what is in the best interest of the kids and keep that part in mind as they are your family and they are really going to need their family whether their mom seeks help or not.

All you can really do is say something and hope she is receptive. You can't control how she reacts and she will probably be VERY angry before any realization or acceptance sets in for her. I think though that you are very smart to voice your concerns as a family and NOT as the child care provider.

Good luck and keep us updated.