Help! DCM Said I Am Heartless And Her Kid Needs Therapy Because Of Me!

[Guest]

Hi All! This is going to be a long post, but I promise it is interesting! I have a daycare of 9 (mostly PT) children, two of whom are mine ages 6 and 8. I hesitantly agreed to accept a school age girl this past September thinking I was going to be able to help a single mom out. I wasn't sure how it would work out since my other kids are all 4 and under.

Here is some background:

The personalities of my daughter and the DCK were completely different. My daughter is extremely shy, sensitive and a strict rule follower. The DCK is loud, boisterous, rude (doesn't acknowledge me when I say Hi or try to talk to her) and is possessive of my daughter. Regardless, I went out of my way for them, staying open 15-30 minutes late every day is just one example. The mom and I actually really got along and I enjoyed her! Her mom was always saying how happy she was here, and always felt her daughter was safe and happy and that I was "so good to them".

Here is the issue:

My kids and the DCK get home at 3:30 from school. My husband works from home and is done at 4:00. At that point I no longer consider my kids "daycare" kids. They are allowed to be with their dad, go to a friends house, play outside, go in their room if they need quiet time.

So, here is an example of DCK behavior, on Tuesday I had to intervene between my daughter and the DCK because DCK was screaming at my daughter, clenched fists, foot stomping, shaking, and bright red.

So, Wednesday we (moms and daughters) meet and the DCK says she is unhappy because she wants to be like our family and wants me to be her mom, and that her family is mean to her and that makes her not unable to follow the rules. She also said that screaming, stomping, etc. is how she expresses herself. This behavior is unacceptable to me because it left my daughter bawling and I don't want her bullied in her own home. During this meeting DCK also said my daughter was mean, she lies, and is sneaky. All of this is a surprise to me as I am around them all the time and don't see that. Most of the issues are caused by DCK being rude and sassy.

So Thursday I tell them it is not working out and they have two weeks to find new care. DCM flips out, telling me I am a horrible mother who thinks her kids are perfect (they are not), with no heart and no compassion, and that her daughter will need therapy because of me. She went on for about a half hour berating me saying I have no morals and I must just be a terrible awful person. She also said they are done immediately and she wants money back.

All of my other daycare families love me, my neighbors and friends say I am the sweetest person they know. I cried for three hours after this! The thing that really gets me is that none of her accusations are true. I am a kind, tenderhearted person who loves doing daycare. She just really thinks I am terrible because my daughter did not play with hers 100% of the time.

I guess the feedback I am looking for is if I could have done something different. Has anyone ever dealt with such a family? I am just waiting for a visit from my licensor, but I have talked to him and they only investigate if it sound like a rule is broken. He says this does not involve any rules being broken.

Well, I am off for now to a field trip. I will be back this afternoon and really appreciate your thoughts!

[Blackcat31]

((((HUGS)))) for having to have to go through this. lovethis

I am sure this mom was only speaking out of anger and her immediate reaction was hurt and she lashed out. I am sure she really didn't mean anything that she said.

I would let her go and not stress too much about it. I would, however not be returning any money if your contract says you require two weeks notice or payment in the amount of two weeks and the mom signed it.

Just move on and take it as a learning experience. You are so very right though, your DD has a right to not be bullied in her own home. Sometimes things that seem bad turn out to be a blessing in disguise and I think you will be really glad to simply be done with this family.

[sharlan]

You can't please everyone. I know it's really hard, but try to let it go, know you did your best.

Growing up, my daughters followed the daycare rules for the most part, but they were allowed to go to friend's houses, go to their room, and have different snacks than the daycare (in their rooms unobserved).

[Mary Poppins]

It's funny how dcp's will turn on us and resort to personal attacks as soon as they are put on the defensive. This is why it's so important to grow a thick skin and not allow them to get to you. It has been hard for me to grow a backbone but I am much better now than when I began last year. Even after having worked in various daycare over the years I never had to deal directly with the parents the way I do now and it was shocking to me that they will turn on you at the drop of a hat.

You did the right thing by confronting the problem. You can not allow your dd to be bullied in her own home. But... as for doing things differently, IMO, you shouldn't ever allow a dcp to bully you, either, or allow it to go on for half an hour. Within 2 minutes they would have been shown the door here!!

You deserve to be treated better than that. Hopefully this experience will only make your backbone stronger.

[permanentvacation]

Your child should NEVER have ANYONE in their own home that mistreats them. You are very much in the right for kicking the child out of daycare. I wouldn't have even given them a notice at all. I have it in my contract that the parents, children, and anyone associated with the daycare child (friends, grandmom, whoever comes along when the child is dropped off or picked up) is expected to treat my home, everyone, and everything (pets, plants, personal items, etc.) in my home with respect. If not, I will immediately discontinue childcare services for that child.

The mom is just taking it out on you. Don't let it bother you that she called you those things. She was just mad and lashing out at you for the fact that things didn't work out.

You should not have allowed the woman to be there saying negative things for an hour. If there's ever another time when your conversation with a parent become redundunt and/or just name calling, you should say something to the effect of, "Ok, I think we've come to the conclusion that this is not going to work, so I have given you a two week's notice. If you find childcare before then, just let me know. Have a good night." and start walking to the door and open it for her to leave. If she continues talking and seeming to refuse to leave, tell her that "now the conversation is just repeating itself and we have already come to a conclusion, so you need to leave now, good night." Whatever you can think of to let her know that she will not stay there just to call you names and/or say negative things.

People do not like being told that their child acts so inappropriately that they are actually being kicked out of daycare. They usually feel personally hurt by it so they want to hurt you back. Don't let them! This is your business, your company. Take charge and don't let your client take over, especially in a negative way, in the conversation/discussion.

When I have conversations with parents regarding their child's inappropriate behavior, I think of myself as the principal of a school. I hold the meeting in a professional manner and am very matter-of-fact with the parents and child at that time. If the parent become irrate, I let them know that I have made my decision, the conversation is over and it's time for them to leave.

[AmyLeigh]

Hi All! This is going to be a long post, but I promise it is interesting! I have a daycare of 9 (mostly PT) children, two of whom are mine ages 6 and 8. I hesitantly agreed to accept a school age girl this past September thinking I was going to be able to help a single mom out. I wasn't sure how it would work out since my other kids are all 4 and under.

Here is some background:

The personalities of my daughter and the DCK were completely different. My daughter is extremely shy, sensitive and a strict rule follower. The DCK is loud, boisterous, rude (doesn't acknowledge me when I say Hi or try to talk to her) and is possessive of my daughter. Regardless, I went out of my way for them, staying open 15-30 minutes late every day is just one example. The mom and I actually really got along and I enjoyed her! Her mom was always saying how happy she was here, and always felt her daughter was safe and happy and that I was "so good to them".

Here is the issue:

My kids and the DCK get home at 3:30 from school. My husband works from home and is done at 4:00. At that point I no longer consider my kids "daycare" kids. They are allowed to be with their dad, go to a friends house, play outside, go in their room if they need quiet time.

So, here is an example of DCK behavior, on Tuesday I had to intervene between my daughter and the DCK because DCK was screaming at my daughter, clenched fists, foot stomping, shaking, and bright red.

So, Wednesday we (moms and daughters) meet and the DCK says she is unhappy because she wants to be like our family and wants me to be her mom, and that her family is mean to her and that makes her not unable to follow the rules. She also said that screaming, stomping, etc. is how she expresses herself. This behavior is unacceptable to me because it left my daughter bawling and I don't want her bullied in her own home. During this meeting DCK also said my daughter was mean, she lies, and is sneaky. All of this is a surprise to me as I am around them all the time and don't see that. Most of the issues are caused by DCK being rude and sassy.

So Thursday I tell them it is not working out and they have two weeks to find new care. DCM flips out, telling me I am a horrible mother who thinks her kids are perfect (they are not), with no heart and no compassion, and that her daughter will need therapy because of me. She went on for about a half hour berating me saying I have no morals and I must just be a terrible awful person. She also said they are done immediately and she wants money back.

All of my other daycare families love me, my neighbors and friends say I am the sweetest person they know. I cried for three hours after this! The thing that really gets me is that none of her accusations are true. I am a kind, tenderhearted person who loves doing daycare. She just really thinks I am terrible because my daughter did not play with hers 100% of the time.

I guess the feedback I am looking for is if I could have done something different. Has anyone ever dealt with such a family? I am just waiting for a visit from my licensor, but I have talked to him and they only investigate if it sound like a rule is broken. He says this does not involve any rules being broken.

Well, I am off for now to a field trip. I will be back this afternoon and really appreciate your thoughts!

Couple of things I see:

1.) DCM may be feeling guilty because her daughter said she would rather be in your family. That had to hurt. People lash out in pain.

2.) First, DCG blames her family for her inability to follow rules and thinks it's okay to express herself by screaming. Then, DCM blames you for her daughter's problems and yells at you. Pattern? Uh, yeah.

This does not have anything to do with you. It's them. Stick to your contract and wish them well. DCG will most likely have similar issues elsewhere.

[MarinaVanessa]

Many people resort to threats and violent communication tactics when they feel like they are cornered into a wall. At the point that she felt that DCG wanted you as a mom YOU became an indirect threat to her. When you discussed with DCM that DCG was a problem you then became a direct threat to her. However wrong or misrepresented she was, this was her perception of you so she lashed out by dissing your DD.

You were right in terming her for her behavior. Her DD's behavior or bully tractics apparently don't fall far from the three because as soon as your DCM felt that she had lost all control of the situation she needed to get it back by bullying you. I don't know what she thought she was going to get by behaving like that but don't let her get to you.

Think about this for a moment ... she said:

You're a horrible mother ............ who's DD wants to be a part of a different family?
You think your kids are perfect ... who defended her child's rule breaking, screaming and stomping?
You have no heart/compassion ... who berated who?
Her DD will need therapy ............ again, who's DD wants to be a part of a different family?
You have no morals .................. who was bullying who?
You're a terrible person ............. why was her child there and why did she put up with such "a terrible person"?

To me the situation is obvious. Cheaters always accuse their partners of wrong-doing because they are self-conscience of their own flaws and I think that this is what has happened here with DCM. She has pretty much described what she's feeling about herself ... I'm no Psych but I'd bet that I'm pretty close.

I'll tell you what I tell my DCK's ... If someone calls you blue does that magically turn you blue? Nope. Don't let her words get to you or you are letting her accomplish her goal. I'm sure that if everyone else in your life thinks you're wonderful then honey, you are wonderful .

Now that all of that nonsense is taken care of, let's talk about the money.
What do you have in your contract? Go by what the contract says. If you must give a 2-week notice (as you did) stick to it. Put it in writing TODAY if you havn't already given her something in writing. DO NOT RETURN YOUR MONEY if you don't have or want to. You gave her a 2 week notice and if she doesn't want to finish it out then that's her choice. Don't let her choices effect you. PLEASE tell me that you have a clause in your contract that covers people being blatantly disrespectfull like that and that behavior like that is terms for immediate termination. If you have this clause you can just not have her return to finish out her 2 weeks or you can offer to let her finish her 2 weeks and if she's rude to you then ask her not to return (and you still don't have to give the 2 week deposit back).

If you don't have this clause ADD IT NOW!! And then it's your choice to just agree to not have her finish out her 2 weeks and just refund her the money. Sorry this got so long ... I dislike bullies very much.

[cheerfuldom]

Everyone had great posts. You did the right thing OP! This mom is just desparately deflecting because she does not like that she did not get her way, simple as that. It is a grown up version of what you see her own daughter doing on a daily basis. They feel like if they get louder, more aggressive, meaner, that they will get what they want. Apple doesnt fall far from the tree, right?

[Lilbutterflie]

I have recently learned that sometimes when things don't work out; and you give a parent two weeks notice; they can take it VERY personally. The mom had no right to lash out at you like that!! But I think it came from her being hurt that her daughter wasn't right for your daycare group. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally! You said that prior to this, the mom told you how great you were and how good you were to them!! When conflict arises, people lash out. Don't let her get you down.

I recently had to give two weeks notice to a family as well. It just wasn't working out with their DD. They, too, often told me how great I was and how they trusted me with their baby girl. When I gave them two weeks notice, I did it in a friendly, professional manner. But over the weekend, they told me they did not feel comfortable leaving their DD with me and would not be coming back. They even asked for their deposit back since they wouldn't be coming back. Thankfully, they signed a document upon enrolling agreeing their deposit was nonrefundable. After this, they went to another daycare provider who I happened to be friends with. The provider/friend wanted to know why I had to term, and I told her the reasons. She then confronted DCM about the reasons and let her know that if those reasons continued in her care; she too would be giving notice. DCM totally lashed out at me afterwards! She called me a liar, and that was unprofessional telling another provider about the problems we had been having. She then told me she would "be praying for the children in my care". I am pretty sensitive, and that statement hurt like heck!! I didn't sleep the next two nights because I was so hurt. But, the experience has given me thicker skin, and if it happens again I know not to take it so personally.

[SunshineMama]

I'm so sorry! It sounds like dcm is looking for a scapegoat for her daughters behavior and you're it. Parents always blame the provider whenever their kids have any issues at all. Heck, when I was working out of the home I'm ashamed to admit that I blamed my old provider too. Because it's hard to admit sometimes when our own little ones are being stinkers! you did the right thing!

[Christian Mother]

I'm really sensitive too...

I bet it is hard that you both where on such good terms and then this happens.

The mom is just extremely upset to have heard from her daughter that she would rather be apart of your family and have the same family dynamics you have in your home. I am sure you treat each and every child as your own and love them all as your own. That's why this child feels so connected to you...and that just kills mom. Mom can't give her child wants she so desperately wants...a family...a daddy...mommy to be home with her and spend time with her...sisters...brothers. Mom can't give that to her right now and she is feeling so awful and took it all out on you. Dck is feeling rejected and dcm is feeling rejected. You where right in giving them notice. It's not a good fit all around.

Give them dcm some time to calm down. Maybe she will call you and apologize..? I would however; not allow them back to daycare. It would be advise her she still has her 2 wks she can use to find new care if she would like since she has already paid for it....I am not sure if she has...can't remember if you put that in your post...

I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to you...we try sooo hard to give everything to our families we care for and it's is just not possible to be everything to everyone in what needs they would like for us. We can only do and be what we can. Continue being the loving, nurturing caregiver you are and wish them well. We loss some and we gain some. I am just sooo sorry this turned out the way it did for you...

[Kim]

Many people resort to threats and violent communication tactics when they feel like they are cornered into a wall. At the point that she felt that DCG wanted you as a mom YOU became an indirect threat to her. When you discussed with DCM that DCG was a problem you then became a direct threat to her. However wrong or misrepresented she was, this was her perception of you so she lashed out by dissing your DD.

You were right in terming her for her behavior. Her DD's behavior or bully tractics apparently don't fall far from the three because as soon as your DCM felt that she had lost all control of the situation she needed to get it back by bullying you. I don't know what she thought she was going to get by behaving like that but don't let her get to you.

Think about this for a moment ... she said:

You're a horrible mother ............ who's DD wants to be a part of a different family?
You think your kids are perfect ... who defended her child's rule breaking, screaming and stomping?
You have no heart/compassion ... who berated who?
Her DD will need therapy ............ again, who's DD wants to be a part of a different family?
You have no morals .................. who was bullying who?
You're a terrible person ............. why was her child there and why did she put up with such "a terrible person"?

To me the situation is obvious. Cheaters always accuse their partners of wrong-doing because they are self-conscience of their own flaws and I think that this is what has happened here with DCM. She has pretty much described what she's feeling about herself ... I'm no Psych but I'd bet that I'm pretty close.

I'll tell you what I tell my DCK's ... If someone calls you blue does that magically turn you blue? Nope. Don't let her words get to you or you are letting her accomplish her goal. I'm sure that if everyone else in your life thinks you're wonderful then honey, you are wonderful .

Now that all of that nonsense is taken care of, let's talk about the money.
What do you have in your contract? Go by what the contract says. If you must give a 2-week notice (as you did) stick to it. Put it in writing TODAY if you havn't already given her something in writing. DO NOT RETURN YOUR MONEY if you don't have or want to. You gave her a 2 week notice and if she doesn't want to finish it out then that's her choice. Don't let her choices effect you. PLEASE tell me that you have a clause in your contract that covers people being blatantly disrespectfull like that and that behavior like that is terms for immediate termination. If you have this clause you can just not have her return to finish out her 2 weeks or you can offer to let her finish her 2 weeks and if she's rude to you then ask her not to return (and you still don't have to give the 2 week deposit back).

If you don't have this clause ADD IT NOW!! And then it's your choice to just agree to not have her finish out her 2 weeks and just refund her the money. Sorry this got so long ... I dislike bullies very much.

Great post!

Sounds like the daughter is learning first hand from her mother how to bully.

Not all children get along with each other and you made the right choice for your daughter. Don't feel badly at all. Once all this blows over you'll feel much happier not having to deal with this family. Hopefully at some point her mother will realize it's not everyone else against her daughter and that it's her child with the issues. It may take being kicked out of a few places or not having any friends over the years to realize it.

[saved4always]

I am sorry that you had such a bad experience. Try not to take her words to heart. She was angry that you were terminating care and she lashed out with the most hurtful words and accusations she could think of. If she really thought those things about you, she would have terminated care with you. She wants you to feel bad because she is unhappy. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for DCP's to say nasty, untrue things about thier provider when they are termed. It sounds like you have many people in your life who love you and appreciate you. Try to remember that whenever you get down about this family.

[CheekyChick]

I had something similar happen to me in the past... I had a family that I went WAY WAY WAY out of my way for. I was so good to them and the DCM had told me many, many times that she could not survive without me. Anyhoo... When I finally put my foot down about her lack of paying me, she went NUTS!!! She wrote me the most horrible letter, cussed me out, and basically said I was a piece of garbage. I did not shed ONE single tear because I know I am none of the things she said in the letter.

You need to NOT take this personally. It is HER problem - not yours. You and your daughter have done nothing wrong. It is such a positive thing that you let them go. Your daughter does not need to feel uncomfortable in HER OWN HOME.

PS: Don't waste tears on people who don't deserve them.

[Kaddidle Care]

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The Mama needs to look in the mirror so that she can see what she is creating in the child.

You may be hurt now because you are shocked with her response, but you will be angry next and all I can say is to just keep your cool, stick with your contract and most of all, give your daughter a hug and kiss because she is what it's all about.