Parents Who Spend Vacation Without Their Children

[My3cents]

Perfect!!

bumping you up blackcat you nailed it! I wish more people thought this way. We wouldn't have a world of selfish entitled you fill in the rest........ you get my point. I just wanted to bump this but had to write more then bumphappyface

[Texasjeepgirl]

I 100% agree with BLACKCAT... I didn't quote her...but there were several posts...
The FIRST one was word for word the thoughts that were developing in my mind...
I just don't ever judge parents on this issue...AT ALL...

I was married 15 years to my first husband...
We took a snow ski trip with another family... every year for 5 years... Our children were always with us... both families.. and it was a wonderful time.. CREATED THE BEST memories for myself.. my children...
I wouldn't take for those family vacations..
but.. When I divorced... and remarried...
My husband and I were both the 'visiting' parents...
My two girls lived a few blocks away.. with their daddy...
My husbands two daughters...and step daughter... lived with their mom..

What a life altering adjustment.. to be with my children only PART TIME...
But... My husband and I made a committment... to our girls...
We never missed a visitation weekend or holiday/summer visitation.. and when they were with us we spent that time as a family... we took a family trip to Hot Springs... 4 wheeling/camping trips with our jeep club to East Texas and Hot Springs... and in '08 we took our daughters on a 5 day cruise..

But...in our KID FREE TIME.... My husband and I have been on 3 cruises without the children .. '02...'05...'10 ...As well as trips to Colorado in '06... Cancun...'09
In a few weeks we are going on a 4 day trip to Cancun for a friends wedding.. we are taking my 17 year old daughter with us... 3 weeks later we leave for another 5 days...again.. Cancun.. and this time.. ALONE... ADULT ONLY ALL INCLUSIVE RESORT.... happyfacehappyface

I think it is important for couples to spend ALONE TIME... otherwise.. you loose sight of your commitment to each other.. to your marriage... which leads to divorce...and ...destroys families... Every single second of every single day does not have to be all about the children...
You have no idea what they may do as a family on the weekends.. long holidays... evenings...
The hour routine of bath and reading a book can be some of the most quality time a parent can spend with their small child... and frankly.. I've seen some fabulous vacations ruined by cranky fussy.. overstimulated short folks...

I have a sister that is one of those parents that NEVER EVER EVER leaves her kids for vacations...She and her husband have NOT EVER taken a trip together ALONE... and.. to save money of course they are always in one room... AS A RESULT... their marriage is a disaster.. the husband is sullen.. it's a mess...and frankly I think it would help if they had taken one of those couple vacations...and left the boys with granny...or a LOVING AUNT like me... but she is one of those moms that thinks she just can't be away from them... they might suffer...or be sad....
What about the wonderful time the kids might be having on their visit to grandma's house... ? That is special .. quality time that all children need also...

[Blackcat31]

I guess I completely disagree with Blackcat (you know I love you )

I don't think taking a vacaton WITH your kids constitues any of the things you've mentioned or that I think my life revolves around my kid or that my kid is the centre of the universe. It just means I choose to spend time with my kids so I can give them the best out of life. Maybe some people can't handle being around their kids as much as me, I don't know, but I don't like feeling that because I spend a lot of time with my kids I'm "ruining" them or not preparing them for the world. Preparing them for the world involves a heck of a lot more than whether or not you vacaton with them. I feel that you've made some overgeneralizations.

I know 2 particular parents who spend as little tme as possible with their kids and their marriage is ending very soon. Not all people who spend time without their children have happy and successful marriages and vice versa. Marriage should be strong whether you vacation with your kids or not. If I thought my marriage wasn't going to work unless we took a vacay alone together I'd be questioning my marriage and our commitment to eachother. What makes a good marriage good is the EVERY day struggle and going through it together...not running off to Vegas for 5 days alone. I don't judge people who want to take vacays without their kids but to say that it's to "help their marriage" I just call that bollocks!! JMO

What kind of a place have we gotten to where taking a vacation with your kids is considered "overindulging them" :confused: Seems to me like the pendulum has swung completely in the opposite direction.

First off, love you too! I wasn't implying that taking a vacation WITH your kids is over indulging them. I was simply saying taking a vacation WITHOUT them is benficial at times to the marriage, the child(ren) and the individual.

FWIW~ For every vacation I took alone with my DH, we had twice as many WITH the kiddos. I also want to say that we couldn't afford ANY vacation until we had already been married a few years and that included a honeymoon which we took several years into our marriage.

[My3cents]

I 100% agree with BLACKCAT... I didn't quote her...but there were several posts...
The FIRST one was word for word the thoughts that were developing in my mind...
I just don't ever judge parents on this issue...AT ALL...

I was married 15 years to my first husband...
We took a snow ski trip with another family... every year for 5 years... Our children were always with us... both families.. and it was a wonderful time.. CREATED THE BEST memories for myself.. my children...
I wouldn't take for those family vacations..
but.. When I divorced... and remarried...
My husband and I were both the 'visiting' parents...
My two girls lived a few blocks away.. with their daddy...
My husbands two daughters...and step daughter... lived with their mom..

What a life altering adjustment..this must have been. I could not leave my kids if I divorced. How did you get through this and come to this if you don't mind me asking? Not judging you, only saying that I couldn't do it. to be with my children only PART TIME...
But... My husband and I made a committment... to our girls...
We never missed a visitation weekend or holiday/summer visitation.. and when they were with us we spent that time as a family... we took a family trip to Hot Springs... 4 wheeling/camping trips with our jeep club to East Texas and Hot Springs... and in '08 we took our daughters on a 5 day cruise..

But...in our KID FREE TIME.... My husband and I have been on 3 cruises without the children .. '02...'05...'10 ...As well as trips to Colorado in '06... Cancun...'09
In a few weeks we are going on a 4 day trip to Cancun for a friends wedding.. we are taking my 17 year old daughter with us... 3 weeks later we leave for another 5 days...again.. Cancun.. and this time.. ALONE... ADULT ONLY ALL INCLUSIVE RESORT.... happyfacehappyface

I think it is important for couples to spend ALONE TIME... otherwise.. you loose sight of your commitment to each other.. to your marriage... which leads to divorce...and ...destroys families... Every single second of every single day does not have to be all about the children...
You have no idea what they may do as a family on the weekends.. long holidays... evenings...
The hour routine of bath and reading a book can be some of the most quality time a parent can spend with their small child... and frankly.. I've seen some fabulous vacations ruined by cranky fussy.. overstimulated short folks...

I have a sister that is one of those parents that NEVER EVER EVER leaves her kids for vacations...but this works for her, for now- some women are horrible to be around when they are not with their kids, they don't function well. Everyone is different and what they needShe and her husband have NOT EVER taken a trip together ALONE... and.. to save money of course they are always in one room... AS A RESULT... their marriage is a disaster.. the husband is sullen.. it's a mess...and frankly I think it would help if they had taken one of those couple vacations...and left the boys with granny...or a LOVING AUNT like me... but she is one of those moms that thinks she just can't be away from them... they might suffer...or be sad....
What about the wonderful time the kids might be having on their visit to grandma's house... ? That is special .. quality time that all children need also...

I replied above hopefully in red color-

[MarinaVanessa]

What kind of a place have we gotten to where taking a vacation with your kids is considered "overindulging them" :confused: Seems to me like the pendulum has swung completely in the opposite direction.

I didn't read it that way at all. I think her point here was more that in this time the consensus is that taking some time off without your kids makes you a bad person, which is not true at all. Taking an occasiona vacation without your kids is healthy and actually needed. Of course I'm speaking for myself here but we are talking about the occasional vacation with your hubby for some "adult only" interaction. I personally don't see this as bad even if the children are in DC 50 hours a week. It's time away from everything hectic so that you can find peace and relaxation for a few days out of the year. Now if the parents do this all of the time AND their child is in DC 5 days a week then I can see this as an issue.

I just really don't find the idea that taking a week off away from work and your kids as a bad thing just because the kids are away from their parents during the day. That would be like me feeling guilty about not spending the time away from my DD when she's away at school and then doing sports after school or in her after-school program. JMPO of course.

[DCMom]

My kids are now 25, 23 and 19. We have been married 27 years. I've been a daycare provider for 25 of those. I've always considered myself a 'working mom' and my kids 'in daycare'.

Since the youngest was 2, we have taken a winter vacation. We own a timeshare so it is the same week every year. Either my in-laws or my mom would come and stay at our house. The kids loved having 'no daycare' and the undivided attention that only a grandparent can provide. Up until a few years ago, we took a family vacation each July and it often included one or more grandparents. We have put more miles on our travel trailer than I can count and made family memories galore.

My point is, there is no 'family' without the 'couple' and in my book, grandparents are 'family'.

To the op~ unfortunately, there are always people who take it to an extreme. In the end, you can only do what is best for you and your family. There isn't a darn thing you can do about what other people do or how they raise their kids, so why waste time thinking about it?

As my mother always said: "Do not judge lest ye be judged".

[Country Kids]

When my hubby and I have gone for the weekend we receive numerous phone calls from the kids! This happens if we happen to go away for the day!

Grandparents have been told not to let them call us but they still let them. Two of mine went away for the week with a set of grandparents and everytime they called they cried and wanted to come home. They weren't really even having fun even though they were doing loads of fun things.

My husband is sometimes the same way. I will go away with the kids to visit relatives and if its the weekend he will call me constantly. I would rather just us all be together. One of my children just in the last two years started liking to stay the night at peoples houses and he's in highschool (this includes grandparents). Actually 3 of my 4 kids haven't really enjoyed staying away for the night.

[DCBlessings27]

I guess I can see both sides of this issue. My parents raised 5 kids on just a farmer's income. They always took us with them until my oldest sister and I were in high school. Now that we're all out of the house/college, they are free to be by themselves.

My husband's 30th birthday is in June and our 5th anniversary is in September. We're going to Chicago for 5 days. At first, I planned to go without our 3 year old. However, my husband wants to share the experience with her, so we're taking her with us. After thinking about it, I agree that she should go with us. I can barely survive a night away from her when she visits grandparents. I'm not sure how I would survive that long without her. We might take a weekend around our anniversary without her, but that would be only a couple days away from her. After our honeymoon, dh and I haven't ever done a vacation with just the two of us. We even went with my husband's whole side of the family to Disney World.

I do have a couple sets of parents who left their children with grandmas while they went on vacation. One did so because they went to have their destination wedding, and it was an adult only place. Another took a cruise. I can see why the parents left the children with grandma in those circumstances.

I've also been to Vegas a couple times. I wouldn't take my dd there with me. I don't think it's the place for children, though I did see families with kids there when I went.

[Texasjeepgirl]

obviously this goes off the subject of this thread...
But.. I suspected that if I put in there that I was the visiting parent.. I would get some comments/questions... considering I am a LICENSED CHILD CARE PROVIDER...

When my ex-husband and I divorced... after 15 years.. it wasn't an ugly horrible divorce...
it was calm... rational.. ... we just realized.. after 3 years of discussing it now and then...that we had both reached a point where we knew our marriage was over.. and time to move on ...

When it came to deciding who would have custody of our two girls.. ages 10 and 6...
Our daughters were both attending private Catholic school ( we are not Catholic...but it is an EXCELLENT school in our town...and the public school.. well.. not as excellent)... the school is small.. and does not provide transportation...parent delivery and pick up only.
My daycare is open from 7 a.m. til 5:30 p.m.... I am LICENSED for 12 children.... and I work alone.
I would not be able to drive my 2 daughters to school each day... nor would I be able to pick them up.... My ex-husband is self employed... and his shop is only a few blocks from the school.. so.. he would be able to drop them at school each day... and pick them up......
So after much soul searching...agony..... I knew the best option.. for least amount of disruption in everyone's day..... was for my two girls to live with their daddy...
It just made more sense...than for him to have to drive to my home every single day... twice...once to pick them up to deliver them to school...and once in the afternoon to drop them off...

I have paid child support for 10 years...
I've had plenty of judgement over this issue... Most especially from my new husband's ex wife...
She is mean... and works hard to cause as much misery to us as possible...
She loves to tell my step children that I don't love my girls... that I never wanted them.. that I 'gave them up' because I didn't want to be burdened by them...
When in fact... I believe I was doing what was best not only for my children...but for all of us...

The fact is... My ex-husband is a fantastic man.. a MORE THAN WONDERFUL FATHER...
I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for him...
and I knew he had as much right to be the PRIMARY Parent as I did ...

Obviously.. most of the time.. children live with their mommy after a divorce...

I've heard so many women say to me..
No way would ever 'let' my ex TAKE MY CHILDREN AWAY from me..
Well that is NOT how this was...
I didn't feel he took them from me...we made this decision together..
and it made the most sense given our circumstances...

The trauma of divorce is difficult .. The changes the kids must go through are so rough.. I just wanted there to be as much consistency for them as possible..
The great thing is... this is a small town.. my ex husband ended up buying a house about 8 blocks from the house I bought... My girls spent the night with me every Wednesday...and 1st .. 3rd and 5th weekends.. holidays... 4-5 weeks in the summer...
etc..
My oldest daughter came to live with me a week after she graduated from high school... in '08...she went back and forth living with me.. living on her own.. living with me... till she got married 1 year ago...my granddaughter is 16 months old...and is in my daycare every day
My 17 year old daughter came to live with me 18 months ago... she loved living with her daddy and stepmom.. but...she also wanted to live with mama for awhile before she was grown...She is a senior in high school.. will graduate in a few weeks.. works at Chili's as a hostess...and the rest of the time is my frequent companion... since my husband took a second shift job last year...
She is going with us at the end of May.. on our first trip to Cancun..(as mentioned in previous post)..
....

https://WWW.TEXASJEEPGIRL.SHUTTERFLY.COM

[itlw8]

As a child I LOVED my time spent at Grandmas house it was magical

And now as a grandparent I think it is good for the kids to come here. I do things different than their daily routine. I think is is good for my ds and dil have some time alone also... They do lots of things as a family also.

[saved4always]

I don't find it odd at all. As a matter of fact I kind of believe the exact opposite. I think the problem with our society is that parents have children and suddenly life 100% revolves around those children making the children feel or believe that they are the absolute center of the universe. THAT is the problem IMHO.

In previous generations, children were "additions" to the family NOT the center of them.

I don't think parents should be made to feel bad that they aren't treating their children as the basis for EVERYTHING; above their husbands, their marriages, their careers, themselves as individuals. I think that is sad. Children come into our lives, we love them, we care for them, we guide them and teach them to be part of the "bigger picture", part of the world.

Why would I want to raise my child as if they ARE the world and then basically throw them to the wolves when they grow up and leave home? And they do leave.....then what? You have no marriage because you never took the time to vacation alone () with your husband and build that relationship, you have no interests (other than your children) because someone made you feel bad about having a hobby or interest that wasn't centered around your child, you have no friends because they moved on with their lives because you were too busy focusing on your children....

I love my children more than anything in the world but I am not going to teach them that I will give up everything for them. What good would that do them? What is that teaching them? How does that train them to be functioning, contributing, responsible adults? My job is to make sure that they can be proud of who they are and be self-supportive and make a place in the world. My job is to "parent" them, so they fit into the world, not build the world around them.

Amen to this!!!!!

[saved4always]

What I find funny is what did parents do in the past? They didn't have date nights, vacations, me time, etc.?

I'm not saying they were perfect,happy, etc., but I'm think the majority was. They had no choice but to raise there kids. I'm still trying to figure out when all this started.

My parents didn't do vacations without us kids...actually we didn't do too many family vacays, either. Except to visit my aunt in IL. Now that they are retired, they don't go anywhere either...I think they just weren't into vacations. But they did go on date nights where we stayed home with a teen age babysitter. Our favorite sitter was the one who would play train with us. We would hold on to her shirt and she would run around through the kitchen/dining room in a circle as fast as she could and we would fly off...we thought it was hysterical. She's also the one who brought games to play with us! My parents were happy to have a night out and we kids had fun with someone who actually had the energy for us...!

Mom also got "me" time when she sent us out to play. We would be with friends for hours outside or at each others' houses. I think parents today are more micro-managing with their kids' time so they don't necessarily get time without the kids if they don't leave the house. My siblings and I didn't have all the lessons and sports that the kids all do now. We just played. So my parents weren't constantly running with us.

My parents are 80 and 81 years old now so I would think that is in the past. And I don't think they were the only ones of their generation that hired sitters so they could go out. I had many parents I babysat for when I was a teen, too, while they went out. I don't think that is new to this generation.

[saved4always]

obviously this goes off the subject of this thread...
But.. I suspected that if I put in there that I was the visiting parent.. I would get some comments/questions... considering I am a LICENSED CHILD CARE PROVIDER...

When my ex-husband and I divorced... after 15 years.. it wasn't an ugly horrible divorce...
it was calm... rational.. ... we just realized.. after 3 years of discussing it now and then...that we had both reached a point where we knew our marriage was over.. and time to move on ...

When it came to deciding who would have custody of our two girls.. ages 10 and 6...
Our daughters were both attending private Catholic school ( we are not Catholic...but it is an EXCELLENT school in our town...and the public school.. well.. not as excellent)... the school is small.. and does not provide transportation...parent delivery and pick up only.
My daycare is open from 7 a.m. til 5:30 p.m.... I am LICENSED for 12 children.... and I work alone.
I would not be able to drive my 2 daughters to school each day... nor would I be able to pick them up.... My ex-husband is self employed... and his shop is only a few blocks from the school.. so.. he would be able to drop them at school each day... and pick them up......
So after much soul searching...agony..... I knew the best option.. for least amount of disruption in everyone's day..... was for my two girls to live with their daddy...
It just made more sense...than for him to have to drive to my home every single day... twice...once to pick them up to deliver them to school...and once in the afternoon to drop them off...

I have paid child support for 10 years...
I've had plenty of judgement over this issue... Most especially from my new husband's ex wife...
She is mean... and works hard to cause as much misery to us as possible...
She loves to tell my step children that I don't love my girls... that I never wanted them.. that I 'gave them up' because I didn't want to be burdened by them...
When in fact... I believe I was doing what was best not only for my children...but for all of us...

The fact is... My ex-husband is a fantastic man.. a MORE THAN WONDERFUL FATHER...
I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for him...
and I knew he had as much right to be the PRIMARY Parent as I did ...

Obviously.. most of the time.. children live with their mommy after a divorce...

I've heard so many women say to me..
No way would ever 'let' my ex TAKE MY CHILDREN AWAY from me..
Well that is NOT how this was...
I didn't feel he took them from me...we made this decision together..
and it made the most sense given our circumstances...

The trauma of divorce is difficult .. The changes the kids must go through are so rough.. I just wanted there to be as much consistency for them as possible..
The great thing is... this is a small town.. my ex husband ended up buying a house about 8 blocks from the house I bought... My girls spent the night with me every Wednesday...and 1st .. 3rd and 5th weekends.. holidays... 4-5 weeks in the summer...
etc..
My oldest daughter came to live with me a week after she graduated from high school... in '08...she went back and forth living with me.. living on her own.. living with me... till she got married 1 year ago...my granddaughter is 16 months old...and is in my daycare every day
My 17 year old daughter came to live with me 18 months ago... she loved living with her daddy and stepmom.. but...she also wanted to live with mama for awhile before she was grown...She is a senior in high school.. will graduate in a few weeks.. works at Chili's as a hostess...and the rest of the time is my frequent companion... since my husband took a second shift job last year...
She is going with us at the end of May.. on our first trip to Cancun..(as mentioned in previous post)..
....

https://WWW.TEXASJEEPGIRL.SHUTTERFLY.COM

That is just awesome that you and your ex-husband were able to make important decisions together in your kids' best interests like that! happyface Your children had to have felt so loved by both of you. I wish all couples who divorce could be friends and always do what is best for the kids. I have a friend whose marriage fell apart last year and there has been nothing but animosity between her and her now ex-husband. I see how it is hurting her girls and it breaks my heart.

And how awesome is it that you get to be with your granddaughter now every day!!!! happyface

[Christian Mother]

I know that a lot of people on here ask not to judge the parents...and you are right...but it is SOOO hard..specially when we care for them 50+hrs a week. Why should we care or exspress a feeling about it...bc sometimes it's just sad...specially when the child is 3 wks. Yes...that would be one of mine...

And I understand...boy do I understand needing time with just the hubby and not w/kids in tow. In today's world.. everyone struggling...struggling to find good jobs that pay ins. that are family friendly...that pay good. Parents that wish to stay home to parent at home... can't. Those that do manage to stay home.. sacrifice. And it is a sacrifice in today's world to stay home and raise your children. You either make enough to stay home or you don't. but understand the sacrifice in loss of income bc of it. Anyway you put it...it's a huge sacrifice to be home for the children.

Do I feel parents should have a outlet and spend quality time for a marriage..oh yes def. It's healthy...I also feel though that it's healthy to have family vacations also with the entire family just as much as just husband and wife.

[Texasjeepgirl]

For the first year.. although we put our children FIRST.. no matter what...but... he couldn't really look at me .. would always turn to the side rather than look right at me when we spoke...but.. I let him have his time..

The second year we started being friends again..
He grew up with my 'now' husband.. they are a few year apart in age...but...
knew each other all their lives...actually very very distant cousins.. like 5th I think.
My ex's great great grandfather...and my new husbands great grandfather...were brothers... or something like that... translation...My ex husband's mother's maiden name.. same as my new husband's last name..
translation.. my kids are very distant cousins to their stepdad...
WELCOME TO SMALL TOWN AMERICA..

Year 2... and 3... we live in our furniture store... (see some of my other posts to catch up on this story)... my ex asked if he could spend the night here on Christmas Eve... so he could be here when my kids woke up on Christmas morning... (it was my year to have them)... he slept out in the store in a recliner...

We also went to dinner together .. following school program's... several times this happened... once.. on me and new hubby's wedding anniversary...
The looks.. from local people... hilarious...
I've been here 27 years..
Married to the first one 15 years.. married almost 10 years now to hubby #2... Many many local people know all of us...

Year 4 and 5...
He said to me on the phone.. All I want is to find what you and (new hubby) have... it is obvious to everyone that you two were meant for each other... and I want that...

a few months later.. he said..I think I've found her...

several months later...he asked if my husband would go with him to the jeweler ( jeweler that my new hubby recommended) to pick out diamonds for the engagement ring..
Every diamond the jeweler showed him...he immediately handed to my husband and said... what do you think?
My husband ended up choosing the diamond...and the setting...
Then seperately...we each coached him on how to propose...