Lied To About Custody & Drama With Ex's

[Mary Poppins]

I have a young couple who overall has been great. They pay on time, respect my policies, etc. but they lied to me and I'm not sure how to approach it.

They each have a 2.5 and 3.5yo ds from a previous marriage and at our interview I asked specifically for custody agreements or whether I would have any drama involving ex's and they assured me no, they each had custody and the ex's weren't a part of the boys' lives AT ALL.

Turns out the younger one goes to his bio dad's here and there and the older one sees bio mom 3 WEEKS a year (she lives out of state) and bio grandma (her mom) every other weekend or so. This casually came about as things have progressed with this dcf, as if nothing had been said regarding the issue of custody/drama at interview.

The boys got along great at first, but lately the younger one has begun throwing horrible tantrums and they are directly related to him being ridiculously competitive with the older one. Dcd told me he has begun wetting his pants at night again after months of no issues.

The older one just spent a week with his bio mom and came back a totally different child, telling me how much he hates his dad, also started wetting his pants, acting out, etc. Bio mom insisted on dropping him off at my dc and it was a nightmare. She was rude at my door and I had to peel him out of her arms and basically force her to leave. Then he spent several days psychologically traumatized by the whole experience.

I'm sitting here fuming today and want to term them based on lying to me at the interview. I don't want or need the drama and they are my last PT family anyway (I dropped all PT care). I had a call for 2 FT'ers who could replace them and I interview with this family this weekend.

WWYD? Would you say anything or just replace them and send a generic term letter without addressing the being lied to thing? :confused:

[daycare]

I have a young couple who overall has been great. They pay on time, respect my policies, etc. but they lied to me and I'm not sure how to approach it.

They each have a 2.5 and 3.5yo ds from a previous marriage and at our interview I asked specifically for custody agreements or whether I would have any drama involving ex's and they assured me no, they each had custody and the ex's weren't a part of the boys' lives AT ALL.

Turns out the younger one goes to his bio dad's here and there and the older one sees bio mom 3 WEEKS a year (she lives out of state) and bio grandma (her mom) every other weekend or so. This casually came about as things have progressed with this dcf, as if nothing had been said regarding the issue of custody/drama at interview.

The boys got along great at first, but lately the younger one has begun throwing horrible tantrums and they are directly related to him being ridiculously competitive with the older one. Dcd told me he has begun wetting his pants at night again after months of no issues.

The older one just spent a week with his bio mom and came back a totally different child, telling me how much he hates his dad, also started wetting his pants, acting out, etc. Bio mom insisted on dropping him off at my dc and it was a nightmare. She was rude at my door and I had to peel him out of her arms and basically force her to leave. Then he spent several days psychologically traumatized by the whole experience.

I'm sitting here fuming today and want to term them based on lying to me at the interview. I don't want or need the drama and they are my last PT family anyway (I dropped all PT care). I had a call for 2 FT'ers who could replace them and I interview with this family this weekend.

WWYD? Would you say anything or just replace them and send a generic term letter without addressing the being lied to thing? :confused:

ugh what a mess...I am so confused..

I would just say nothing and send a generic term letter....Less is more ALWAYS...

[Mary Poppins]

ugh what a mess...I am so confused..

I would just say nothing and send a generic term letter....Less is more ALWAYS...

The whole thing ****s. I've grown to love these boys but I can see what's happening, they are being pulled in too many directions with too many "mommies" and "daddies". It's sad.

If they had just been honest with me at the interview. Of course, I may not have wanted to take them on and they sorta knew it I guess?

Meh.

[Blackcat31]

I wouldn't be any part of the drama. Period. I would allow mom and dad who signed your contract do the dropping off and picking up. I would not allow anyone else to do so. I would also require them to have a court document on file with you stating who has custody.

Anything else isn't really your problem or concern. I get that the children are misbehaving after visits with their bio parents but how would you handle that sort of situation if the parents had told you up front that the kids would be visiting their other parent?

I think it is the fact that they lied to you that you are upset about and rightfully so but really, none of that HAD to be shared with you. They didn't really have to tell you any of their personal info in regards to that with the exception of who had legal custody and such so that you would always know who should and shouldn't be picking up or dropping off.

Plus, maybe when they told you there would be no drama, that there wasn't up until that point.....kwim? Situations change all the time and no one can foresee when a good thing will go bad and vice versa.

I don't do drama either and I do feel for you but you have to remember that we can only do so much and stress about the things you CAN change and make sure you don't take on anyone else's issues. Let the people who own the issue handle it. Address the kids' bad behaviors and leave everything else to them. You can put boundaries on who comes to your house too but you can't control who visits with the kids when they aren't at your house.

If you are truly mad because they weren't really upfront about their situation, say something if it will make you feel better. If it isn't going to change anything, then let it go. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Me? I would tell them in no uncertain terms that I am really dissapointed in the fact that they weren't honest with me, but that I am going to chalk it up to it being their issue and not mine (I would then give them one strike in my mental game of keeping score...) and move on.
Then from that moment on, I would only address the kids' behavior issues and nothing more. At that point, they lose all credibilty with me and are free to leave at any time but I wouldn't term them.

That is MY opinion.

[Ariana]

Are you terming based on children's behavior or solely for the lying? I would try and keep my feelings out of it as much as possible and look at this from a business standpoint. Do you like the kids and can handle them? You might be the only sane and stable thing in their lives

[Mary Poppins]

@Blackcat - thank you and you are right. I am mad at being lied to because I specifically asked for custody agreement paperwork and was told they both had full custody. Then on Monday, dcd asked me if I thought he could get full custody based on the behaviors his ds is displaying after going off with bio mom and her family who he thinks is poisoning the little guy's mind. I also didn't want issues with ex's dropping off/picking up and causing drama which is exactly what happened.

So I will take your advice to heart. You are so wise about these issues and I am so.. not (yet at least ). Thanks again.

@Ariana - I really love these little guys but am having a hard time seeing what being pulled between the ex's is doing to them and how it affects my dc. I would only be terming based solely on being lied to at this point, but if the behaviors escalate that might factor in. This is really difficult for me because you're right, they need routine and consistency in their little lives and I feel I do offer that to them and they sooo love coming here.

Thank you, too, for your input.

[wdmmom]

I agree with Daycare.

Lying about custody is no laughing matter. The fact that they had blatent disregard for the truth would be enough for me to say "buh-bye".

Now the kids are having even more problems after these visits only proves that this situation will grow and grow. If these boys are hard to handle now, wait until the are 4 and 5 and kicking, hitting, punching, acting out, etc.

Just based on safety alone, I would term.

[Mary Poppins]

I agree with Daycare.

Lying about custody is no laughing matter. The fact that they had blatent disregard for the truth would be enough for me to say "buh-bye".

Now the kids are having even more problems after these visits only proves that this situation will grow and grow. If these boys are hard to handle now, wait until the are 4 and 5 and kicking, hitting, punching, acting out, etc.

Just based on safety alone, I would term.

That's my fear. The violent outbursts from the little one coincide directly with time spent with bio dad who happens to be a bull rider. Not sure if that plays into it...