Is This Appropriate?

[SilverSabre25]

Dcb is going to be three in ten days. We've been having major behavior issues lately--taking toys, hitting, pushing, the works.

I'm tired of it, the other kids are tired of it, and I'm trying something. He's not allowed to play with his friends if he's going to take toys from them. He's sitting with me, doing nothing. I keep asking him, "Are you going to take toys from your friends?" and he keeps saying "Yeah".

So...he keeps sitting there as I explain, once again, that it is not okay to take toys and he needs to tell me "No" he won't take toys. And every few minutes I ask again if he will take toys, and around and around we go...

I'm just at my wits' end with this behavior. No one else has so much trouble with the rules. He just...doesn't seem to get it. I don't know if this is the right way to handle this...what do you guys think?

eta: I implemented this about an hour ago after the third or fourth toy snatching incident of the morning, so it's not like it's coming out of nowhere.

[sharlan]

I think he's enjoying the one on one he's receiving from you.

Have you tried giving him a few toys and telling him that these are the only toys he can play with today?

[momofboys]

I think he's enjoying the one on one he's receiving from you.

Have you tried giving him a few toys and telling him that these are the only toys he can play with today?

I agree. I think that you are feeding into his attention-seeking by having him sit with you & asking him repeatedly if he is going to take toys from his friends. I'd try what Sharlan suggested.

[Blackcat31]

I am wondering if he is not really understanding what you are asking him.

I mean if he is simply answering yes when you ask about whether he is going to take toys from his friends, he may be hearing it differently. I am just having a tough time comprehending the fact that a 3 yr old has the ability to answer about what he IS GOING TO do.....kwim?

I guess I wouldn't even ask him any questions but would TELL him that he cannot take the toys and if (when) he does it, maybe have the other kid tell him "I don't like when you take my toys" and then have him give the toy back and find a different one.

If he repeats and does it again, I would also repeat the above actions.

I think that 3 is kind of a tough age, as he is just coming out of the toddler stage of everything is mine and just now learning perspective thinking so I would probably invest 2 or 3 days of showing him EXACTLY what I want him to do before I would start removing him from the situation.

I know it gets super frustrating for not only you but the other kids but in reality, he has to be shown HOW you want him to behave before he can just do it.

I guess maybe the above is also pointless if he has been great with sharing and stuff up until now and this is all just new behavior that has recently started happening. If that is the case, I would suggest talking with mom and dad and see if there have been any major changes in his life.

[Ariana]

Have you asked him WHY he takes the toys? Get into that little head of his and come up with a better way of dealing with this. Asking him a question over and over isn't working and neither is being beside you. He's answering your question honestly so he's not seeing how taking toys is affecting you or the other kids. Make him aware of how his actions are impacting others and ask him why he's doing it. Give him the tools to ask for toys and wait patiently for his turn. He needs one on one attention in this area right now. Perhaps you could bring another child over and play with them teaching him how to be a social player and be on top of him until he starts understanding the social rules of play. Then when he starts asking for toys praise his ability to ask for what he wants and wait patiently etc.

[Blackcat31]

Have you asked him WHY he takes the toys? Get into that little head of his and come up with a better way of dealing with this. Asking him a question over and over isn't working and neither is being beside you. He's answering your question honestly so he's not seeing how taking toys is affecting you or the other kids. Make him aware of how his actions are impacting others and ask him why he's doing it. Give him the tools to ask for toys and wait patiently for his turn. He needs one on one attention in this area right now. Perhaps you could bring another child over and play with them teaching him how to be a social player and be on top of him until he starts understanding the social rules of play. Then when he starts asking for toys praise his ability to ask for what he wants and wait patiently etc.

I agree with 99.9% of what you said, EXCEPT the part about asking him why.

According to what I was taught in school, we aren't suppose to ask a child "why" since they aren't really able to tell you why they do or did something. It is all part if impulse control. IME, if he knew why he did what he did, he could stop doing it or vocalize what it is he is wanting.

For example, if he wanted Billy's toy, he would say "Billy, I want your toy as it looks coller than what I have." kwim?

I don't think asking any child under age 4 why will net you any useable answers. just my opinion.

[sharlan]

I agree, asking a child under 4, heck any age, why, and they won't be able to tell you.

My 2 9 yo's can't even tell me why they did something.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I am wondering if he is not really understanding what you are asking him.

I mean if he is simply answering yes when you ask about whether he is going to take toys from his friends, he may be hearing it differently. I am just having a tough time comprehending the fact that a 3 yr old has the ability to answer about what he IS GOING TO do.....kwim?

I guess I wouldn't even ask him any questions but would TELL him that he cannot take the toys and if (when) he does it, maybe have the other kid tell him "I don't like when you take my toys" and then have him give the toy back and find a different one.

If he repeats and does it again, I would also repeat the above actions.

I think that 3 is kind of a tough age, as he is just coming out of the toddler stage of everything is mine and just now learning perspective thinking so I would probably invest 2 or 3 days of showing him EXACTLY what I want him to do before I would start removing him from the situation.

I know it gets super frustrating for not only you but the other kids but in reality, he has to be shown HOW you want him to behave before he can just do it.

I guess maybe the above is also pointless if he has been great with sharing and stuff up until now and this is all just new behavior that has recently started happening. If that is the case, I would suggest talking with mom and dad and see if there have been any major changes in his life.

I would do this as well.

A time-out is not appropriate.

[WImom]

My rule here is if you can't play nice you play by yourself. I give them something to do at the table for about 10-15 minutes.

[Ariana]

I agree with 99.9% of what you said, EXCEPT the part about asking him why.

According to what I was taught in school, we aren't suppose to ask a child "why" since they aren't really able to tell you why they do or did something. It is all part if impulse control. IME, if he knew why he did what he did, he could stop doing it or vocalize what it is he is wanting.

For example, if he wanted Billy's toy, he would say "Billy, I want your toy as it looks coller than what I have." kwim?

I don't think asking any child under age 4 why will net you any useable answers. just my opinion.

I think perhaps I should clarify! I don't expect he can give you a real answer in the moment but it will get him thinking about his actions. I will ask my 2.5 and 3.5 yr old and they generally give me a good answer. "she's had that toy all morning and I want it" or "That's the baby's mommy" etc. If they don't have a good answer I will ask them if it's because of X-Y or Z just to get them thinking about their actions and get them to name their emotions. It's not said in an accusatory tone, it's more of a general wonderment about their actions and how they impact others. Then we can work on a solution. I dunno it works for me!!

As an aside I was "taught" a lot of stuff in school too and often I feel they teach the wrong stuff. I also don't believe in a one size fits all approach. Some kids are quite capable of answering these questions honestly. I understand impulse control but if it's a recurring behavior I feel there may be something else going on. I don't see anything wrong with asking a child in a moment of calmness why they choose the bahavior they do and how that behavior impacts others...But that's just my opinion

[MarinaVanessa]

According to what I was taught in school, we aren't suppose to ask a child "why" since they aren't really able to tell you why they do or did something. It is all part if impulse control.

I agree. My DD is 7yo and still has problems with impulse control. We have already had her evaluated by a panel by the district that recommended counseling and behavior therapy which she starts next month. I was told the same thing by the physcologist about my DD and how we shouldn't ask why she did things because even at her age they aren't able to understand their own reasons for doing what they do. She said that it was like asking a child to do an adults job ... hense the therapy. So now we will try that and see what the therapists says.

It's an impulse control thing and you just have to find something that works for him. Maybe removing him from the group when he is not nice and only allowing him to play with soft "baby" toys will do the trick.

[SunshineMama]

Dcb is going to be three in ten days. We've been having major behavior issues lately--taking toys, hitting, pushing, the works.

I'm tired of it, the other kids are tired of it, and I'm trying something. He's not allowed to play with his friends if he's going to take toys from them. He's sitting with me, doing nothing. I keep asking him, "Are you going to take toys from your friends?" and he keeps saying "Yeah".

So...he keeps sitting there as I explain, once again, that it is not okay to take toys and he needs to tell me "No" he won't take toys. And every few minutes I ask again if he will take toys, and around and around we go...

I'm just at my wits' end with this behavior. No one else has so much trouble with the rules. He just...doesn't seem to get it. I don't know if this is the right way to handle this...what do you guys think?

eta: I implemented this about an hour ago after the third or fourth toy snatching incident of the morning, so it's not like it's coming out of nowhere.

I think it's worth a try. At almost 3 they should comprehend all of the rules. Even my 17 month old will look over at me to see if I am watching her before she hits, etc. I don't think it is inappropriate at all. If he cant play with the group nicely he can sit next to you for the day. It won't kill him. If it were my child, as a parent, I would not be mad if the provider had my child sit next to them because they were acting up. It will teach him to think twice.

Let us know how it turns out. Good luck with him!

[SunshineMama]

I think perhaps I should clarify! I don't expect he can give you a real answer in the moment but it will get him thinking about his actions. I will ask my 2.5 and 3.5 yr old and they generally give me a good answer. "she's had that toy all morning and I want it" or "That's the baby's mommy" etc. If they don't have a good answer I will ask them if it's because of X-Y or Z just to get them thinking about their actions and get them to name their emotions. It's not said in an accusatory tone, it's more of a general wonderment about their actions and how they impact others. Then we can work on a solution. I dunno it works for me!!

As an aside I was "taught" a lot of stuff in school too and often I feel they teach the wrong stuff. I also don't believe in a one size fits all approach. Some kids are quite capable of answering these questions honestly. I understand impulse control but if it's a recurring behavior I feel there may be something else going on. I don't see anything wrong with asking a child in a moment of calmness why they choose the bahavior they do and how that behavior impacts others...But that's just my opinion

I have to agree with you on that- for some kids. dd3 will tell me why she did things, and give a real, honest answer, (ex: I hit him because he took my toy and I wanted it back) and so will dcb3, but my 3 y/o dck twins would not- It depends on the child. I positively reinforce communication and using their words every chance I get.

[jojosmommy]

I think it depends on the child. My ds just turned 3 and can both control his behavior impulses and talk with me about his behavior and what is appropriate. 4yr old dcb can do neither of these. I have asked dcb the same type of thing as you posted and he too always says "yes" or "yeah". Clearly they don't understand what you are asking.

I do the can't play nicely together then you have to play alone rule.

[Blackcat31]

I think perhaps I should clarify! I don't expect he can give you a real answer in the moment but it will get him thinking about his actions. I will ask my 2.5 and 3.5 yr old and they generally give me a good answer. "she's had that toy all morning and I want it" or "That's the baby's mommy" etc. If they don't have a good answer I will ask them if it's because of X-Y or Z just to get them thinking about their actions and get them to name their emotions. It's not said in an accusatory tone, it's more of a general wonderment about their actions and how they impact others. Then we can work on a solution. I dunno it works for me!!

As an aside I was "taught" a lot of stuff in school too and often I feel they teach the wrong stuff. I also don't believe in a one size fits all approach. Some kids are quite capable of answering these questions honestly. I understand impulse control but if it's a recurring behavior I feel there may be something else going on. I don't see anything wrong with asking a child in a moment of calmness why they choose the bahavior they do and how that behavior impacts others...But that's just my opinion

Ah ha, that makes much more sense. LOL!!

I was thinking you were suggesting that she ask him why and he would be able to say "Hey, I'm a kid and can't help when my arm reaches out and just takes something." :: or something to that effect explaining why he was taking toys from his friends.

I thought that was inappropriate since OP said when she asks him if he is going to do it again, he says yes...so he clearly wasn't going to be able to elaborate on why then....kwim?

So clarification much appreciated!