No violence tolerance policy

[Unregistered]

(Is there a better way to say that?) Registered, but logged out for privacy. Long story - need some thoughts and advice.

Having a rough time with DCB, mentally-advanced age 3. Two weeks ago I started to notice an increase in angry outbursts and more aggressive physical behavior, which I thought maybe was triggered by a weekend visitation from out-of-state DCM. There have been a few scuffles before, but never like this.

Yesterday at breakfast, in response to rude behavior, I told him to get out of his chair and come talk to me. He said no repeatedly, so I got down at his eye level to say "I did not ask, I am telling you to..." Usually at this point he would cry, but this time he tried to kick me in the face! I physically picked him up from behind and carried him to the usual correction rendevous (in sight but out of earshot of the other children). I set him down to sit and in a rage tried to kick me again and started flailing. I told him when he was calm I would talk to him, and I walked back to the other children. He continued to flail and tried out a new fake cry. After a few minutes, he in a semi-genuine manner asked me to forgive him, and I answered "I will always forgive you" and he got a big smile and gave me a squeeze.

There were a few surprising angry outbursts over toys which required my intervention. Later he punched my SA DD in the chest, and then screaming at her, used f*** in every part of speech that he could before I was able to intervene at all. When I began to correct it, he burst out in angry sobs. He apologized and was forgiven.

The last time he punched my same DD, again over a toy, and my husband corrected him. He did apologize to everyone, was forgiven and gave hugs.

We let him know that though he was forgiven, we did need to let his dad know what had happened.

When DCD came for pick up my husband and DCB went together to tell him what had happened, but we're not sure that DCD grasped the violence behind it.

(Just want to add: Not that I think my SA DD is always without blame, but she did not provoke these incidents. She was playing with things that he decided he wanted, which is normal for his age anyway, I think. She is the type to sometimes be gracious and let them have the toys for peace-sake, but this time she insisted that he wait his turn.)

I would like to think this is just a short phase that DCB is going through, but I'm not sure it is. In our own family we do not allow and have serious consequences for violent behavior. I feel that I have a legitimate concern about my younger DS behaving the same way.

How would you respond to this if it continues or progresses?

Would you add a section in your contract about it?

Thanks.

[MrsB]

Here is my behavior section of my contract

15. BEHAVIOR. While in my care only positive encouragement is enforced. Children will NOT be subject to spanking, hitting, kicking, restraint, or to, verbal, emotional, or physical punishment. I believe the most effective ways of enforcing positive behaviors are: Praise, Respect, Re-Direction, and Positive Re-Enforcement. I don’t play “REF”; I use strategies to engage children in their own problem solving. During conflict it is important for children to feel respected, secure, loved, important and special. They need to know I am always available to listen and help, not to judge. My goal is to coach the children so they can negotiate, compromise, brainstorm and work it out together. Forms of discipline that may be used are 1-2-3 method, redirecting, and timeouts.

If something of a more serious nature or a persistent behavior should occur that is of concern to me or a threat to the safety of others, I will need to discuss it with you so that we can jointly decide on a course of action that is followed at home and in my care. If the problem cannot be resolved arrangements must be made for the child to receive care elsewhere. [/SIZE]

Also have a section under reasons for immediate termination:
- If child’s behavior poses a significant threat to the physical or mental health or well being of one or more of the children, myself, or themselves, and I am unable to reasonably eliminate that threat.

[SunshineMama]

How advanced is his uinderstanding of cause and effect? "When you kick somebody, it makes them hurt? Do you want them to hurt? Would you want someone to kick you and make you hurt? This is your only warning. If I see you hurt someone again you will sit in time out for 3 minutes"

If he does it again, do the time out, consistently every time. He should get it after a few times that it is completely unacceptable, and the others will see him being disciplined and should not follow suit. Let the parents know what is going on and encourage them to talk to the child. Praise positive behavior and reinforce the good things that he is doing.

That's how I handle incidents when they arise and it has worked for me thus far. I think that if I ever had a dck who consistently acted out violently and after trying everything in my power to stop them I was unable to, I would term.

[wdmmom]

A child at the age of 3 has the concept of

DO BAD, BE FORGIVEN, IT'S ALL FORGOTTEN.

This is where this needs to change. If you are constantly telling him he is forgiven, he will grow up thinking murder is forgiveable! Reoccurances of the same problem need to lead to discipline and not always forgiveness.

Of course you can forgive, but don't let him know that or he will continue to ask you to forgive him.

ANY child that tried to kick me in the face would be kicked out my door! END OF STORY! I don't care what the reasoning is behind it. A 3 year old that is "mentally advanced" knows better. You need to stop it today and permanently or the kicks to the face will become a constant reoccurance.

[KDC]

meeting with parents...

I would have a discussion with the parents (DCD) as soon as possible. They need to know the extent of the disrespect, as well as when the behavior escalated. You need to know if this is also happening at home, and how he's disciplined at home. If they're working to correct the behavior and you can work on a plan to get him back on track, I would set a time limit, get a calendar and mark it, if by this date the situation is NOT resolved, term. If, they believe this is just typical 3 yr. old behavior, then I would term as soon as contract allows. No amount of money is worth the safety of others. As a parent of another child in your daycare, you owe them that much. This is a complete lack of respect. He's testing the waters, and for the most part after he's forgiven he knows how far he can push it. 3 Yr. olds are smarter than you think

[Meeko]

A child at the age of 3 has the concept of

DO BAD, BE FORGIVEN, IT'S ALL FORGOTTEN.

This is where this needs to change. If you are constantly telling him he is forgiven, he will grow up thinking murder is forgiveable! Reoccurances of the same problem need to lead to discipline and not always forgiveness.

Of course you can forgive, but don't let him know that or he will continue to ask you to forgive him.

ANY child that tried to kick me in the face would be kicked out my door! END OF STORY! I don't care what the reasoning is behind it. A 3 year old that is "mentally advanced" knows better. You need to stop it today and permanently or the kicks to the face will become a constant reoccurance.

I agree with wdmmom on this one.

Kick in the face. Forgiven.
Kick in the face. Forgiven.
Kick in the face. Forgiven.

Kicking you in the face feels GOOD! It gets his frustrations out! You're a real life punching bag! And you don't mind at all, because you forgive him every time!

It will be rinse/repeat as long as you let it go on.

It IS important for children to see forgiveness, but they must also see real life consequences to their actions.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. I try to show forgiveness and I hope that others will forgive me. But sometimes you just have to face a consequence. If I speed in my car and get pulled over...."sorry" isn't going to get me out of a ticket, even if I really am sorry. That's life.

This child needs to learn real life too. Some things are unacceptable. Period. Right now he is learning that ANYTHING he does gets forgiven and is therefore OK.

If the parents aren't willing to seriously work with you on this, or you feel you can't be tougher...then you need to term him.

One day in the very near future he is going to kick a CHILD or a BABY in the face and cause some serious injuries and then you'll be the one hoping for forgiveness from the injured child's parents. Don't put yourself in that position. Better to nip this in the bud before it becomes an even bigger issue.

[Ariana]

I'm viewing this a little bit differently. He had a visit from his out of toen mom when all of this started AND he genuinely feels remorseful. I don't agree that this is manipulative or 'normal' behavior for this particular child. I really feel that he's dealing with some major emotional issues here likely stemming from the visit with his mom or something going on at home.

I actually think forgiveness is good. It means you don't think HE is a bad person but that his ACTIONS are not acceptable. I personally would talk to him 1 on 1 and discuss his anger with him. Discuss strategies for what he can do next time he's angry instead of hitting/lashing out. I have a book called "when I get angry" and also "when Sophie gets angry" and it has helped tremendously. When you come up with strategies for what to do when he's angry then you can calmly remind him when he's throwing a fit and remove him to a safe area. Some strategies might be 1)telling you who is bothering him 2)walking away from the situation 3)growling like a tiger but no hitting. These are all ways to get him to express his anger constructively. Acknowledging his feelings ALWAYS diffuses the situation. If he is not listening to you say "I can see you're angry with me about something can you tell me why?" This creates an environment where he feels it's ok to be angry at an adult and they will accept my feelings rather than reject me.

Ignoring the issue and not giving alternative actions to physical violence as an expression of anger is what leads people to murder or get put in jail. Right now you have a real teachable moment to help this boy out if you want to. Reacting to his tantrum with an equal tantrum on your part won't help anyone.

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the input, everyone.

Ariana, I think you're spot on. I'm going to look for that book. Thank you!!!

He understands cause and effect quite well, and for his age he usually has a good deal of self-control. More recently, especially after a rough day, has been telling me how he wants to do better. This little guy is constantly telling me that he loves me and waits until I respond before he leaves to play. Though sometimes he's defiant, he definitely isn't manipulative.

I am very consistent, and though it is always forgiven (without having been asked, even murder - this may be a spiritual or philosophical difference, Meeko and wdmmom) all the children in this house understand that there are natural or enforced consequences to follow. I do not use the term "time out" but he is made to leave the siuation until he is ready to discuss it, then after a discussion of how he felt and how he can do better and my promise to help him remember he will admit to the offended party "I was wrong for ... will you forgive me?" It's rare that he isn't truly sorry.

He has been with me for over a year and we've hit some other trying phases, but never like this. He's fighting an emotional battle, I just was unsure how to help him and what length to go with it.