When The Significant Other Spanks....

[melskids]

Ok ladies, I need your advice.....

One of my DCB's just told me this morning that his Dads GF spanks him.

Whether or not you believe in spanking, as a mother, I would want to know that this is how my child was being disciplined while at his fathers house.

Personally, I would be LIVID. No body spanks my kid but me, and I dont even spank.

I don't know if I should tell mom what her son said to me or not.

There is already a TON of tension between these two homes because of this GF and I'm sure this would cause an uproar.

What do I do? Like I said, as a mom, I would want to know.

I just really don't want to get in the middle of their mess. This would definetely start world war 3.

I totally don't think this is an abuse case. I'm positive its just a swat on the butt sort of thing. (whether or not I agree with that is another thread.) But this GF thinks she is the mom, and has totally taken over and overstepped her bounds when it comes to this child...in many other ways as well.

Do I tell mom?

[laundrymom]

I would never have gotten serious about anyone I wouldnt trust my two children from my first marriage with. My husband has just as much parental authority as I do. We are a TEAM. We are PARTNERS. We are 15 yrs and still on our honeymoon. Kids are happy. You would never know the oldest two weren't his. The day I chose to have him in our family, I made the decision to share them with him. I think when you keep his hers seperate it's the root of problems. If you can't trust your PARTNER with every aspect of your life, including your children,...... Why are you WITH them? I would say nothing to the ex. That's borrowing trouble you don't need.

[SunshineMama]

If you don't think it is a case of abuse, or child endangerment, I would stay out of it. You don't want to be in the middle of a heated debate between them.

[Meeko]

If the child told you, it's a safe bet he told his Mom too.

In fact, she probably asks her son to account for every second he spends with the dad and gf. I've seen it over and over.....divorced couples often search for ammo on each other.

I would stay out of it unless you feel the child is being abused.

[sharlan]

In this case I would say to mind your own business. As someone else said, if the child told you, he already told his mom and I'm sure the dad knows.

[Blackcat31]

How old is this child? I also would assume that if he told you, he probably told his mother too.

Another approach would be to maybe talk with dad about what the child said and see what he says about it. I personally document everything that a child says that could possibly come back later and mean something so this would be something I would be documenting.

Perhaps, you could mention to dad that the child said what he said and let dad know you will be documenting it. That may get dad thinking that he needs to really make sure that he and GF as well as the mom are all on the same page with disciplining and caring for the child. Maybe dad isn;t aware of it either...:confused:

[Meyou]

How old is this child? I also would assume that if he told you, he probably told his mother too.

Another approach would be to maybe talk with dad about what the child said and see what he says about it. I personally document everything that a child says that could possibly come back later and mean something so this would be something I would be documenting.

Perhaps, you could mention to dad that the child said what he said and let dad know you will be documenting it. That may get dad thinking that he needs to really make sure that he and GF as well as the mom are all on the same page with disciplining and caring for the child. Maybe dad isn;t aware of it either...:confused:

This is what I was thinking. I would talk to Dad first.

[daycare]

I would tell the child, I am so happy you can talk to me about how you feel. I think you should also talk to mommy and daddy about how you feel too.

I don't think that I would get into the middle of it. Of course it would upset me,but what happens out of DC (unless abuse or neglect) we really should try to stay out of it....

I agree with the others. Talk to dad first or let the child talk to the parents......

[MarinaVanessa]

I wouldn't say anything either. I agree that unless it's an instance of abuse you should just keep it to yourself. Of course I have my reasons for thinking this way and those reasons are based on how I think.

For example, my DD is not my DH's daughter, she is from another relationship and I allowed him to spank her if I was not around and she needed it. I think he's spanked her twice, part of the reason being that she didn't think that he should tell her what to do, the whole "You're not my daddy" thing. Of course the same goes with her father and his GF. He's been with her for two years so she's sticking around so we allow her to discipline her now. As far as I know she has never spanked my DD but she's also 7 now and better at following the rules.

Another thing that I would worry about is losing the child. I would just think about the possible trouble it would cause the entire family. I tell mom, mom gets mad at DCD's GF for spanking and at DCD for allow it, DCD gets mad at me for telling the DCM, DCD decides he doesn't want DC child to come here anymore or is snooty at me and cold for saying something etc. I wouldn't want the responsibility or the stress on me.

Spanking in my state is not illegal as long as it doesn't border or cross over to abuse obviously. I think that if a parent decides to spank then that's up to them and I wouldn't tell the DCM that DCD's GF was spanking DC child just like I wouldn't tell DCM that DCD gives the child cereal and doghnuts for dinner, lets her shoot a BB gun or lets her watch Adult Swim during his time with her. I just choose to stay neutral. I'm Switzerland.

[littlemissmuffet]

I would never have gotten serious about anyone I wouldnt trust my two children from my first marriage with. My husband has just as much parental authority as I do. We are a TEAM. We are PARTNERS. We are 15 yrs and still on our honeymoon. Kids are happy. You would never know the oldest two weren't his. The day I chose to have him in our family, I made the decision to share them with him. I think when you keep his hers seperate it's the root of problems. If you can't trust your PARTNER with every aspect of your life, including your children,...... Why are you WITH them? I would say nothing to the ex. That's borrowing trouble you don't need.

Excellent post and advice!

[makap]

YES This!!!

I would never have gotten serious about anyone I wouldnt trust my two children from my first marriage with. My husband has just as much parental authority as I do. We are a TEAM. We are PARTNERS. We are 15 yrs and still on our honeymoon. Kids are happy. You would never know the oldest two weren't his. The day I chose to have him in our family, I made the decision to share them with him. I think when you keep his hers seperate it's the root of problems. If you can't trust your PARTNER with every aspect of your life, including your children,...... Why are you WITH them? I would say nothing to the ex. That's borrowing trouble you don't need.

And this!

I would tell the child, I am so happy you can talk to me about how you feel. I think you should also talk to mommy and daddy about how you feel too.

I don't think that I would get into the middle of it. Of course it would upset me,but what happens out of DC (unless abuse or neglect) we really should try to stay out of it....

I agree with the others. Talk to dad first or let the child talk to the parents......

[MommieNana4]

I agree with BlackCat. Tell the dad and document what he says. I can hear a lawyer saying (to a childcare provider), "Did you think...?"

[melskids]

I agree with all of you. I think I was just trying to mentally work through this...there is WAY more to the story.

And laundrymom, I agree with you too. My first son comes from a previous relationship, so i get it.

This is what bugs me. And, I know, its not really my business.

Moms BF is NOT allowed to discipline, per dads request. He is also not allowed to be called "step dad" and his parents are not allowed to be called grandma or grandpa. Dad has also threatened to call CPS for bogus accusations.

Double standard is that GF is allowed to do all these things. She has even said in front of me "I am your mommy."

I know, none of it is my business.

Here's what ticks me off.

GF walks in here like she owns the place. She tries (I say tries, cause I don't let anyone do that.....) to boss me around and tell me how to run my business and how to deal with this child. Things I know mom would not agree with.

She looks down on me like I'm just a stupid babysitter.

She acts all high and mighty, like I should to be kissing her backside.

She is constantly trying to out do mom, which I know, is not my business, but when she does it in my home, I can't help but to be erked by it.

Its driving me batty. I can't stand even dealing with her anymore.

BTW, I never see dad. It's always mom or GF doing all the drop offs and pick ups.

I'm being stuck in the middle in a way, because I want to tell her off SO bad, but I dont want to cause trouble for the mom either.

So I'm trying to not cross that fine line between telling her like it is based on what IS my business, and staying out of what isn't.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I don't need to usually, cause I have such great DC parents. This one though, is getting under my skin.

[Blackcat31]

Well, in that case, why not say directly to the GF that DCB said she spanks him and you want her to know this is info you will be documenting.

Let her assume the rest. Maybe that will help her realize this is NOT her child and NOT her place to be doing such a thing. She can also go back to dad and let him know that you know and......well you know.

That probably isn't the best advice but atleast she may think about her actions from now on.

Uh, tough spot to be in.

[Unregistered]

Ok ladies, I need your advice.....

One of my DCB's just told me this morning that his Dads GF spanks him.

Whether or not you believe in spanking, as a mother, I would want to know that this is how my child was being disciplined while at his fathers house.

Personally, I would be LIVID. No body spanks my kid but me, and I dont even spank.

I don't know if I should tell mom what her son said to me or not.

There is already a TON of tension between these two homes because of this GF and I'm sure this would cause an uproar.

What do I do? Like I said, as a mom, I would want to know.

I just really don't want to get in the middle of their mess. This would definetely start world war 3.

I totally don't think this is an abuse case. I'm positive its just a swat on the butt sort of thing. (whether or not I agree with that is another thread.) But this GF thinks she is the mom, and has totally taken over and overstepped her bounds when it comes to this child...in many other ways as well.

Do I tell mom?

For one you didn't witness it, and this occurred outside of your home. It really does not
concern you imo. Kids says all kinds of things, amazing what my dck's say. I have a 4
yr old dck that embellishes many things.

Overall, a light spanking is no big deal; and did he say what brought that on? Many times I've had parents and so's that I couldn't stand, bottom line is I get them in and out fast, and have learned from past mistakes to keep it down to small talk.

My personal opinion on so's is if they are living in the home, they get to equally discipline. As long as there is not abuse ect. and I doubt this was. Too many times I have seen the kids miserable because one household tried to control the other because of petty jealousy issues. Mostly it works out best when the divorced parents move on, and co-parent with their new spouses. If I had a step child I would discipline that child as I would my own if they were misbehaving. Its really their drama.

This is really between them, and imo a spanking is nothing, in fact there are children who probably need it. If you're are not crazy about the gf, then don't let her stay or get past your foyer. End of that and you don't have to deal with her.