Ok Mom's - Need Some Advice

[Solandia]

I have a13yo girl with a sassy mouth without end.

She is a straight A perfect student, in a bunch of extra stuff, too. The phone is a privilege and a convenience to ME. Not for dd...it is for me. If she was inappropriate with the phone, then I would get rid of the phone. It is a prepaid piece of junk, so there isn't much to be inappropriate or get crazy with, .

There is no tv/computer/Wii until schoolwork is completed. So (ahem, the other weekend) if you forget homework at school on a Friday of a 3 day weekend, you get NO screen time for the whole weekend. It isn't a complete "grounding", because she isn't cut off from her friends, gets to participate in already planned activities, go to the zoo with the family, etc.

However, dd cannot accept that it was her own actions that caused this consequence and gets on a bender of how I was ruining her fun, how I just dont understand, how she shouldn't be punished for being forgetful...on&on...what a nag! Then, when she found out badgering wasn't working, then full on screaming, accusations, calling me meanest mom on the Earth, saying how stupid I was to do this, slamming doors, kicking stuff....yeah, she is something else...So every incident is logged on paper, and tallied at the end of the tirade, and her Ipod touch and phone (she uses both for texting) is "in jail" for that many days. These items can earn an "early release" by doing extra chores. She will easily rack up 20 days worth of ipod jail in an evening.

If I have to listen to this teenage bull poopy, at a minimum I will get my house cleaned, and lawn mowed! IF all chores at my house are up to date, she gets sent over to my sisters.

A true "grounding", stuck in her room, etc....I save for super serious stuff...backtalk, while completely disrespectful, isn't all that serious in the whole scheme of things. Very occasionally she will get a bullyish on her sister, start being demeaning and flat out evil...then she gets stuck at home (grounded) while the rest of us do something fun.

The CPS comment...I have heard the "i hate living here" We are foster parents, so go ahead...call CPS. Dd won't go that far because she knows it is a pathetic power play, and if she makes up accusations, we would likely lose her little foster brother.

[renodeb]

Your most certainly not over the top. If the phone and activities are important to her then they make great currency. Having a phone should be a privledge at her age, not a must. Does she live with you most of the time? I thin the threats are just a reaction to getting in trouble. Good for you for taking a stand with her behaviour. If further action is needed then you can come up with something else. It sounds like your on the right track with her so far. Does she have a tv? You could always use that as well.
Hang in there!
Debbie

[daycare]

thanks everyone for your response and sharing your stories too.

I know that I am not alone in this. UGH Teens, it's like the terrible Twos all over again.

When children are two you have to have eyes and ears on them at all times. They try to cross boundaries, explore everything, even those things they know they are not supposed to and they need your attention at all times....

Looks like the cycle of life is starting all over again.....

[permanentvacation]

At least you have control over the cell phone. My ex bought and pays for my daughter's cell also. BUT I have no control over it. He went off on me for trying to take her phone from her because he bought it and pays for it so in his opinion, I have no right to touch it! UMMMMM?!?!??! She lives with ME! She only sees him for a few minutes every couple of weeks when she walks to his job to ask for spending money! How dare he say I am not to touch anything of hers to take it away from her! But to not fight with him, I don't bother taking the phone away. I just call the police on her - yep - call the police on my own daughter when she gets too out of hand!!! I've only had to actually do that twice - when she wouldn't get out of bed to go to school. And threatened to call them - which I would have - if she ran away like she has threatened to do.

I used to call my ex to help me with her - which I couldn't believe I was doing because he's very abusive -verbally and physically, and has NEVER helped raise the kids, but when my daughter got really out of hand, I didn't know who else to call. He 'helped' me with her 3 times. After the 3rd time, I vowed NEVER to call him to help me with her again! One time, he was talking to her and she said something snippy under her breath at him - like she does me all the time- and he yanked her out of her chair, she hit him, he put her on the floor, she hit and kicked, he hit her a time or two, she got up, ran out the door and walk/ran around the neighborhood with him chasing after her the whole time her yelling and cussing at her. So, basically, he did no good! She finally came home, went inside. He came to the doorway and fussed to me about her then drove off. The 2nd and 3rd times, during his speech to her about why she needs to go to get up to go to school, he informed her that if she didn't get a good education, she'd be nothing but "a street walking w......." - then said what she, in that profession would be doing as part of her job - "to make money!" OMG!!! I couldn't believe he said that to my 13 year old daughter!!!! - TWO DIFFERENT TIMES!!!! So I vowed NEVER to call him to help with her again. So I just started calling the police after that.

So, to you, my opinion is that you are not overreacting. You are doing what my mother would have done. And like another poster said, it's called grounding her - or restricting her from her fun activities. It used to be very common and a very good way of punishing your children when they misbehave. However, nowadays, most kids simply walk out the door as soon as the parents say they are grounded. And most kids refuse to hand over their phone to their parents when the parents try to take them away from them. So, if your child actually obeys you and allows you to ground them and actually gives you their phone to take away from them, you are doing better than most parents.

As far as your child calling Protective Services on you, tell her to go ahead! You, I am assuming are doing nothing wrong that would cause you concern if they checked on you, right? So, call her bluff and tell her to go ahead and call them - you might also - just to tick her off more- hand her the phone number yourself! You might also let her know that if she does run away, that's fine, you'll just call the police and report her as a runaway. After calling the police on my daughter for not going to school, a while later when she threatened to run away, I told her that if she left the house for more then 10 minutes, I was going to call the police and report her as a runaway. She walked out the door, walked around my neighborhood - for about 5 minutes, then came home and apologized. She doesn't seem to like me calling the police on her!

[grandmom]

[QUOTE=MyAngels;200019]Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that ::. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]

hahahahahaha

I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.

And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.

In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.

[daycare]

[QUOTE=grandmom;200434]

Ahh, this brings me back to the day when my dd ended up with nothing but her bed in her room - and was lucky to have that ::. We even took the door off the hinges. I'm pretty sure that's when she figured out we were actually serious. QUOTE]

hahahahahaha

I had people stop me in town and ask: Did you really do that? Word got out, and the parents thought I was spot on but they didn't have the courage to do this to their kid.

And as for not turning in work. It's the same as not doing it. In the real world, a great author doesn't get paid unless the book is turned in to the publisher. The wedding dress maker doesn't get paid unless it's finished before the wedding. You get the idea.

In my world, you were lenient. Let her read some of these responses, she'll be glad she has you for her mother.

I did make her read this...then I felt a little bad, because I did not realize that a few of them she should not have read. Like where I agreed with someone who called her dad a disneyland dad...

He really is a great guy, he and I just don't see eye to eye on punishment and discipline.

[sharlan]

He might be the greatest man on earth, but he is a Disneyland dad. He comes in for the fun and games and leaves for the reality and discipline.

As long as she is under 18 and lives in your home, she has to abide by rules set by you and your husband.

[daycare]

Oh no I agree with you, but I didnt intend for my daughter to read that and she did , so I feel horrible about that.

He has it really good if you ask me. I even give him a place to stay sometimes... ugh Please don't cyber smack me

[sharlan]

I guarantee that she knows that her dad is the fun and games while you are stuck with the day to day raising.

You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.

[daycare]

I guarantee that she knows that her dad is the fun and games while you are stuck with the day to day raising.

You've been having some issues with her since Sept. You need to set down and have another talk to talk with your husband and her father. The 3 of you need to get on the same page and work together. Your daughter is not headed in the right direction right now and the 3 of you need to adjust her attitude. You can't keep being the bad guy. Before long she will have lost all respect for you and you won't be able to control her.

You must be a fly on the wall in my home....this is the plan for when disneyland dad comes home on sunday.

My husband has a way with words and is very good at things like this. I am so lucky to have him help when things are hard like this.

AND you are right, if I don't get support now, shes gonna be out of control. Which at that point, she will be going to an all girls convent school in Ireland or Doha...

[sharlan]

Easier and much cheaper to get her under control now than to send her to boarding school where she'll really learn how to get away with things.

[daycare]

Easier and much cheaper to get her under control now than to send her to boarding school where she'll really learn how to get away with things.

not in Doha or Ireland.... she will get beat there.....ugh...but I agree I will do everything in my power to stop her behavior now as opposed to letting it go on...

[daycare]

Oh and please don't take that the wrong way. Her getting beat. Schools are not the same as here by any means. My daughter could never and would never be able to act the way that she is now here over there... Flat out would not work....