Ok Mom's - Need Some Advice

[Sunchimes]

Silver, I wondered the same thing. But, she lives halfway across the country. I only got involved in it when she came here to spend a month with her dad.

My guess would be that they had a version of that conversation and thought they said enough. I think she thought it would be ok if she didn't put up her picture or list her address. That was her defense anyway. She was such an obedient kid that her mom thought an explanation and a denial would end the subject.

[daycare]

Why is your dh not backing you up with your dd? She lives in HIS home and is disrespecting HIS wife.

(Yes, I realize it is your home, too.)

actually he is out of town for the next two weeks for business otherwise he would be throwing the book at her too. He always backs me up even when he thinks that I am wrong. He and my ex-husband seem to also communicate better sometimes than we do. I called and told the hubby and he plans to call and talk to my ex tonight. Just so happens that my ex comes back into town this weekend and of course he will undo everything that I just did.

My ex says that he wont uphold my punishments with her while he is here. He only has a limited amount of time to spend with her and he won't miss out on doing things with her if I decide to ground her......I kind of understand this, but its showing my daughter that he is an out.............

[Michael]

I haven't had time to read through all the comments. It must be hard being the bad guy when your husband is probably looking good and siding with your daughter. She does need boundaries and at least she has you to set them. One thing I've learned is the threat of taking something, that is so precious to your child, has as much affect as taking it away. I would have taken the phone away and as soon as she did her school makeup work, I would have approved (rewarded) what she did (for you) and would have given her phone back with stipulations. At that point she would know that she can negotiate with you and have a positive outcome. Be firm in what is required but reward quickly when there is something offered in response. Don't let her anger simmer. It is her time to start becoming independent and you can manage that fight in positive terms. Just my 2 cents.

[MommieNana4]

You did the right thing...there will come a point when we all have to go HARD!!! Don't let them get used to the phone, computer, etc. being taken away!

When my daughter was 10 years old, I called the police on her. She did not want to fold the laundry and was being mouthy!!! The officer came out and told her that she had it good with us and that he would take her to a "girl's home". He told her some of the things that went on in one of these "homes" and she had a change of heart. No problems after that!!!

[jen]

Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.

My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.

Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.

Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.

She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)

In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.

So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.

Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....

Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.

All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?

In all honesty, my answer would be..."Here is the number for CPS; I hope you enjoy foster care while they get this all straightened out." Then walk away.

[countrymom]

my kids are good so we don't have too much issues. But I'm mean when it comes to school. I always tell my kids "do you want to be stupid like your cousin" she's 16 and the dumbest girl I've ever met and since my kids see all the mistakes that she makes they know not to be like her. You did good, you could have shot her cell phone and then hung it up in her room !

[Former Teacher]

Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....

Sorry Daycare but I had to laugh.....

When I was like 8 years old, my mother (single mother) spanked me for whatever I did and I was crying and yelling at her and I screamed at her...."I AM CALLING THE CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE ON YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!"

Well my mother....said "go ahead....then I will give you a REAL reason to call them!" Needless to say from the look on her face and the voice she used...I stopped immediately ::

Good memories!

Just remember....they DO grow up!

[melskids]

Sorry Daycare but I had to laugh.....

When I was like 8 years old, my mother (single mother) spanked me for whatever I did and I was crying and yelling at her and I screamed at her...."I AM CALLING THE CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE ON YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!"

Well my mother....said "go ahead....then I will give you a REAL reason to call them!" Needless to say from the look on her face and the voice she used...I stopped immediately ::

Good memories!

Just remember....they DO grow up!

:: This made me laugh!

I was a HORRIBLE teenager.

My mom would say "forget CPS, you better call 911 first cause you're gonna need it!"

[MN Mom]

My 12 (going on 13) dd has lost all internet/computer and hanging out with friends until June for consistently NOT turning her work in on time. Previously we would take internet/computer away and TV away but that did not seem to be making much of a dent in regards to her problem of doing work on time. Now she has no TV, no internet, no phone (land line, she is not allowed to have a cell) and no friends until June. She's not happy. She told her father if she had known there would be no friends, she would have done her work.....

I just looked at her and said, "You have made your bed, now you will lie in it." then I walked away, leaving her think about it in her room.

While she has been pretty cold towards her father and I, she has not talked badly (to our faces).

You did the right thing! Good job mom!!!

[Sunchimes]

Kids today are so lucky. The abuse hot line hadn't been invented when I was a kid, so I had nothing to threaten my parents with.

[Kaddidle Care]

Well.. at least you didn't shoot her laptop! ::

She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Oh My! Oh the Horror!

Get over it kid. You want to call CPS? There's the door!

Gawww I love my boys! God didn't give me girls for a reason and this is it!

[jen2651]

I was that girl. Why didn't I turn in work? Who knows...I'm sure I was too busy trying to figure out what boy was talking to what girl and who I was talking to and were they talking to someone else, oh my, all the drama!

I think you did exactly the right thing. One thing we all need to remember, as we have aged, all the drama and emotions from teenage years fade. But please remember, to her, it does feel like her life is ending. Not saying you should change your mind. My mom and I had lots and lots of fights. The ones I actually remember turning out positive were the ones in which we fought and then she came to me to help me come up with a solution to the issue. I am a completely unorganized person and I actually had to have a daily calendar in which I would write the due date for the stuff that was handed out. I highlighted it in yellow. Then, after I turned it in I highlighted it in orange.

I know it seems silly but my focus wasn't on school work, it was on my life at school. My guess is she is not turning in assignments because of a reason like that - or, there was one more question on it that wasn't done because she got 3/4 of it done in class, or she hadn't proofread it yet.

I agree with you on the punishment, and from experience as well, I know it is hard when the other parent undoes everything you have done. Just stick to your guns. See if you can find a time to talk with her, not at her (we are all great at that!). Find a plan that works for both of you to earn the phone back and prevent this from happening...charts, calendars etc. My parents let me know they would get off my back once I proved myself. Sure, we started over sometimes cause I screwed something else up....nothing says you were in trouble like a mother walking a 16 year old into school in her 'jammers' cause the daughter didn't check/change the oil in the car as promised...man, she was SO mean!

[LittleD]

Daycare, some things I find with dealing with teen agers:

Do not lose your temper. Keeping an even, calm voice will help to keep them calm as well. When they start to get worked up and raising their voice, calmly and soothingly tell them to calm down. Cool heads listen better.

Write down all expectations and consequences, have them read and sign it and keep it posted. (this way they can't say ""You never told me that!"" Common theme in my house :

Good luck!

[Fruitloops1]

Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.

My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.

Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.

Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.

She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)

In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.

So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.

Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....

Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.

All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?

My stepson did the SAME thing!!! He wouldnt do his assignments then when he got busted, he brought them home and did them THEN wouldnt turn it IN????? :confused:
What I ended up doing was making him fill out a daily planner. He filled in all assignments for each day then he would take it to his teacher and they would look it over and inital it. He would come home with it, i would look it over and inital it when it was complete and he would take it back and the teacher would initial it when it was turned in. a BIG pain in the... but after a WHOLE YEAR of this planner it worked.

You did mention in a later post that she is in honors classes, so she this must be a new thing....hmmm
Is she hanging out with anyone new? Did you ask her why she didnt do her assignments?
I agree with some other posts that it seems like a cry for attention. I know when I was 14 it was the same thing for me, I wanted the attention from my parents so I slacked off when I would always normally do well.
Have you guys had a mommy daughter date recently? Maybe is it a boy thing?
You're not being too harsh, my step-son calles me Hitler.

My stepson is 15 now and a sophmore, but when he started HS I would remind him how important it is to do good now for college. That all 4 years is SUPER important to prepare him for when he goes to college and he doesnt want to have to pay $ for below college level courses.

[wdmmom]

Been there, done that.

My oldest is almost 16, my second oldest just turned 12 and the two of their mouths are like tornado meet hurricane.

Kids today are just like the younger parents we've all encountered...expectant and entitled. Sad but true.

My kids have threatened to turn me in as well. I've gone as far as offering them the phone number. They know that their blackmail won't work well with me and it's going to buy them more trouble than they ever thought possible.

None of my 5 children have a cell phone...for this exact reason! They feel like it is an appendage to their body and they NEED it to survive when we all know that's not true. We all grew up without cell phones and we came out just fine. (Well, most of us anyway! :

I'd tell the dear ol' ex that the phone is going to be returned because she can't seem to communicate with you in a manner that is appropriate so you don't feel she needs to communicate with anyone else until such time YOU deem her worthy of having it back.

And, personally, I think 5 activities is far too much EXTRA for a kid at any age. Clearly she is having a tough time doing assignments, turning them in, etc so therefore, her daily schedule needs to be trimmed up to offer her the time she clearly needs. (Another prime example why none of my kids are in extra activities.) They are tutored twice a week. That's all the extra they get.