Ok Mom's - Need Some Advice

[daycare]

Am I going over the top here.. I only want advice on if I am going over the top or not.

My daughter has not been behaving. She is 13, almost 14 and knows better.

Well she has a lot of after school activities. 5 to be exact. She also has a cell phone which I have talked about before being an issue. My ex bought it for her and pays the bill.

Yesterday she got 3 failure notices. So I said no more after school activities and no more cell phone. Took them all away. Well this week it is 2nd winter break and the kids are out of school for the week.
I told my daughter that when she makes up the missed assignments that I will think about giving back her phone and letting her participate.

She has made up all of them, but I also found out that a lot of the ones that were missing, she just didn't turn them in??? (don't understand that)

In the process, she has been using her mouth very rude with unkind words towards me. A bunch of attitude.

So I said until I talk to the teachers next week and see that she is back on track with her schooling, no phone and no activities.

Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....

Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.

All I want to know is am I being over the top? Or should I have punished her more?

[SilverSabre25]

Nope, you're not being over the top.

I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"

Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.

You're doing the right thing. I promise!

[SilverSabre25]

Also, you pretty much just did what we call "grounding". And it's entirely normal and common.

[Meyou]

I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.

If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.

She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.

[daycare]

I would have not only taken her phone I would have grounded her to her room for the week for using a mouth like that on me.

If it makes you feel any better my 13 year old lost her phone last weekend for a month because after I told her no for something, she called her stepdad and dad and lied to both of them to go out with her friends anyway while I was sick and taking a nap. She was suppose to come home, clean her room and go shopping for some things she needed with me.

She also lost dance for a week (her life). AND.... tv, her mp3 player and her ereader until her attitude changes and her room stays clean for 7 days without me asking her to pick it up. It's totally up to her if that's just 7 days or years. We're on day 10 and we've had a clean room for 6 days.

yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.

I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.

She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..

thanks so much for responding....

[daycare]

Nope, you're not being over the top.

I'd say, "Okay! You can call CPS! I'll get a commendation for being a good parent and making sure that you put school FIRST, where it is supposed to be!"

Try sitting down with her and, working WITH her, make a chart that details exactly when and how she can get her phone and activities back. Make a plan for her to be able to use your phone/house phone/whatever for limited amounts of time per day. Make her CHOOSE what order she gets her activities and phone back.

You're doing the right thing. I promise!

thanks for responding and helping out. I feel better knowing that I am doing the right thing. My ex always say that I am to harsh and over the top that I should try to be more understanding. UGH....Europeans.... jk

I think that is an excellent idea to make the chart and let her know when she can have any form of life back.

[SunshineMama]

It's perfectly normal for a 13 yr old girl to rebel. Her hormones are all over the place, which can cause some very difficult emotions, which her brain will sometimes have difficulty controlling. The human brain is not fully developed until the late twenties. You did the right thing by disciplining her, she will need clear, consistent discipline. How you handle her issues now is setting an example for her, when she confronts future issues so always keep your cool and stop and breathe. And be sure to provide lots of positive encouragement, hugs, and love, and make sure she knows you are proud of her, because I am sure there are lots of things she is amazing at

My kids are only 1 and 3, but I was THAT teenager once. Doing the assignments and not turning them in is a cry for attention. She needs you right now to help guide her through these teenage years.

I would keep the cell phone for a little while longer, and increase the time for every infraction.

[Meyou]

yes, I did ground her from the tv and any of my computer. SHe has to stay in her room.

I did tell her that she can use my phone with permission and that it will be this way until further notice.

She just thinks that because school is currently out that I should wait to punish her because there is nothing she can do at this time to bring her grades up..

thanks so much for responding....

If she wanted to have fun on her break she should have gotten good grades in school. It's about the grades but it's also about being dishonest about doing poorly and being rude and disrespectful to you just as much. Hang in there.

[sharlan]

Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.

Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.

(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)

[youretooloud]

Now she is threatening me to run away or report me to CPS...yes, all because she can't have her phone.....

Please don't bash me. I am doing all I can with an ex that undoes everything I try to do.

Bahahaha!!! I'd help her pack, find her a place to live for a while, and give her the phone numbers to all the child protection agencies in North America, but she'd never, ever get her phone back. My ex would gladly back me up on this too. (he'd be her first stop on "where to live next" )

If I promised her she could go back to her after school activities, and she earned it back, I'd let her do that.... but, the phone would be gone for a very long time.

I don't tolerate mouthiness.

[youretooloud]

Wait.. maybe I'm misunderstanding... She DID the assignments late, but didn't turn those in? Or she did them on time, and didn't turn them in, so had to do them late?

[daycare]

If she wanted to have fun on her break she should have gotten good grades in school. It's about the grades but it's also about being dishonest about doing poorly and being rude and disrespectful to you just as much. Hang in there.

oh love those words...

[daycare]

Wait.. maybe I'm misunderstanding... She DID the assignments late, but didn't turn those in? Or she did them on time, and didn't turn them in, so had to do them late?

she did them, but did not turn them in at all..

right now my kids don't have school and she cannot turn them in until monday. I don't even know if the teacher will accept them or not as they are now considered late.

She is in all honors classes and most of the teachers do not accept late work.

BTW i would never allow for my ex to take her, he lives in europe and the middle east 85% of the time....just like sharlan said, he is a disneyland dad. He does not participate with disciplinary consequences or punishments..

I think I am going to sell her phone.......or maybe send it to the dad who put bullets through the daughters laptop and let him put bullets through her phone..... jk.well maybe

[daycare]

Of course your ex thinks you're too harsh with her..........He doesn't live with her 24/7. He's a Disneyland dad that blows into town every few weeks. He doesn't live with the reality of raising a child.

Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.

(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)

ugh.... thanks so much for responding..You have always been so straight forward and helpful.

Part of me wants to let her do it, but I really don't want to have to deal with all of the parents wanting to know why is CPS here or COPS here blah blah blah....

They would look at me and say wow you can't even control your own child........boooo

[AmyLeigh]

Call her bluff. Give her the phone number for the local police and let her call them. Give her the number for CPS. Let her know that once she makes those calls, they cannot be undone.

(A neighbor was having a rough time with her pre-teen and grounded her. The girl called the police. After coming and talking to the mother and child, the office told the girl to pack a bag with a week's worth of clothing. The girl asked why. The officer responded by saying that there was no way he could leave her alone with such an abusive mother and he was taking her to a foster care home in another town. The girl thought the police would come and take her mother away, leaving her home to run the streets as she wanted. She changed her story, real quick.)

Hahahaha! Reminds me of when I worked at CPS. The social workers all took calls like this. One said she received a call from a 14 yo on Thanksgiving day talking about how horrible his parents were because they grounded him from his video games, TV, friends, etc., for two weeks for breaking curfew. She listened very empathetically then said...."If you were my kid, you would have been grounded for a month!" Then she went on to explain how this call has been documented and how serious a false accusation to CPS really is. ::

Daycare, I only have littles, but I believe you did what was right considering the circumstances.