How Has Parenting Changed

[Ariana]

Hmm, I think the exact opposite.

I think some parents are too involved in every aspect of their child's life. I think too many parents mico-manage everything!! Some parent's are so concerned about little Jimmy's self-esteem that they can't possibly do what's best for him because they are so controlled by what he might think and feel.....or he might even cry?!?

My parents let me suffer natural consequences because "it was gonna hurt them far more than it would me" but it was necessary so that I learned a good lesson and not just stopped crying...kwim?

I guess I see this as being self absorbed! They don't take the time to discipline appropriately they just do what's right for them (the parents) in the moment...which is give them what they want so they stop crying/shut up/go away etc. I think parents who are worried about their kids crying are parents who are only concerned with themselves and their own comfort levels.

I do agree with micro-managing but I don't encounter it too often!!

[nannyde]

I was thinking a lot about this question yesterday. I turned it upside down and thought... what is better now? What do we see in parenting that we didn't see in the past few decades.

I'm into three decades doing this so I wracked my brain to think of how we have improved as a society when it comes to our children?

Sadly, I could only come up with one thing. That is that severe physical discipline is less. I can't give credit to the last couple of generations of parents for that because it is really decided by the individual states. My state you can punish your children with corporal punishment but 24 hours later there can't be any signs of it.... no marks, bruising etc. That pretty much dictates no corporal punishment or very light. For parents concerned about getting in trouble for using corporal punishment the lack of knowledge of how hard, where, and with what to punish their children is based on not knowing what kind of marking there could be with that punishment 24 hours later. Many parents who would otherwise use spanking, do not because the measure of it being seen as punishment or abuse is something they can't work around. If a mistake is made it could mean severe consequences to their parental rights, their freedom, their jobs etc.

So I see way less interest in physical punishment. I can go five years and never even hear a parent discuss spanking. There's too much at stake to have conversations about using corporal punishment as a consequence so I never hear about it.

Not interested in a spanking debate. The severe corporal punishment is the ONLY thing I see as being different in a good way in parenting. I see no other trends in parenting that benefit the child. I can't think of anything that is being commonly done with todays parent that wasn't done a decade ago, two decades ago, or three decades ago that nets us more respectful, smarter, happier, healthier, etc kids.

Sad really. Maybe I'm missing something but I can't think of a single thing. Can you?

[Country Kids]

IMO, when they took spanking away and TOLD us how to discipline our children that is where things started breaking down. Parents rights were slowly starting to be chipped away. Slowly overtime the children picked this up and ran with it. When I started hearing what my child could and couldn't do that is where I knew there was trouble and as parents there would be issues. I'm not condoning beating at all! If there is a child being neglected, beaten, etc. the authorities have all rights to protect that child

Also, we have homeschooled and boy was my eyes opened up when we did. You do have alot of parents raising good kids but at the same time you have parents that are letting the child do all the schooling, do unschooling and really not know what it means to have to be accountable for things. When we had conferences for our student that ended up going to school the teachers where so amazed that they had been homeschooled. The child knew how to raise there hands, not interuppet, have assignments turned in, was organized, etc. It was commented that alot of homeschoolers don't know how to act with a large group of children in a classroom sitting because it is usually only them and siblings.

Have any of you sat through a storytime at a children library? Oh, my it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. My children knew how to sit, listen and keep their hands to themselves. I have never seen such disrepectful children! They will be talking, walking, rolling, etc. while the librarian is trying to read and disracting everyone. Then you have the mom sitting across the room telling the child in a loud whisper to stop. Please get up and remove your child! Bring them back when they can sit and behave.

As a nation we need to take the parenting back! Children are not born equipped to raise themselves, make decisions, know life skills, etc. I think though we are the last generation to really raise kids the "Old Fashion" way.

[Cat Herder]

I can't think of a single thing. Can you?

The first thing that comes to mind is the new trend towards good nutrition/nutritional education. (I am from the Kool-Aid and Kraft Foods generation, myself.)

It may simply be the current influx of other cultures into our community (the deep south). If so, I am grateful. Great nutrition, great sleep, and great exercise = Great Kids.

So far two of my current family's have begun to put a great deal of effort into what they serve their children... They are so proud when they tell me what they made for dinner, it warms my heart.

The others will follow suit soon enough as they are friends outside of here..

I hope this trend spreads fast and strong. happyface

[MrsB]

The severe corporal punishment is the ONLY thing I see as being different in a good way in parenting. I see no other trends in parenting that benefit the child. I can't think of anything that is being commonly done with todays parent that wasn't done a decade ago, two decades ago, or three decades ago that nets us more respectful, smarter, happier, healthier, etc kids.

Sad really. Maybe I'm missing something but I can't think of a single thing. Can you?

I have been trying to think of something too, but I haven't come up with anything either. If I had to sum it up, I see alot of what I call fear based parenting. Scared to punish (especially in public) because they might get classified as abusive. Scared that if the child is punished the child will not "like" the parent. These kids are smart and really know how to lay on the guilt trip. or Scared that society will deam them too harsh.

If a parent doesnt want to discipline anywhere but inside the home, in today day and age, they will be doomed. Kids are only home a couple hours a day. I dont want to make too many generalizations but I see a significant difference in kids who have parents that have the same rules and are consistent ALL the time, versus the parents that I hear, "when we get home..."

On the other hand as a society we need to stop meddling in other peoples business and have less judgements.

One time my 2 year old was having a meltdown in the grocery store about wanting a box of cereal that I said "no". She threw herself on the floor and was kicking and screaming. A lady was standing there, giving me daggers. I just kept shopping, and let DD have her fit. As I turned the corner, figuring DD would eventually realize I had ignored the fit, wasnt budging and then come running, worried I left her behind. The lady goes over to her, picks her up, wipes her tears, and says oh hunny, Here is $2 and the box of cereal, but that means you need to be a good girl. Now go catch up with mommy before she abandons you here at the store!

Kids are learning that if they want something or they feel their parents have "injustified" them in some way. There is someone out their they can get on the bash the parent bandwagon. So Sad!

[Childminder]

We want our children to have more, or better than we have. This has been the way for eternity. We work hard because we want our children to have everything we didn't get. Sometimes I feel that parental peer pressure is governing how we provide for or teach our children. The Jones family bought their children, or gave their children,or don't do that to, or do that for, etc... so we gotta do that or give this or do it cause everyone else is, so it must be right.

We as a society are just enabling our children and teaching then how to grow up "deserving" more than what they deserve. My parents didn't have a charge card, we didn't get everything we wanted let alone what we needed. We had credit cards and bought way too much for our children cause we wanted them to have what we didn't and my kids are getting everything they want plus what their kids might never even use or want and their debt is so high they will never see it paid off. My children are children of the 80s.

In the 70's we were taught to praise our children, "Great Job!" "that's Wonderful!" to build up their self esteem. Now the experts are saying that children can't do anything for themselves because we built up their little egos and now we are not to praise but encourage them. Just like foods that were so bad for us we were taught not to eat and now they have proven that those foods are better for us. Geesh! Common sense is being bred right out of the human race.

[Blackcat31]

On the other hand as a society we need to stop meddling in other peoples business and have less judgements.

One time my 2 year old was having a meltdown in the grocery store about wanting a box of cereal that I said "no". She threw herself on the floor and was kicking and screaming. A lady was standing there, giving me daggers. I just kept shopping, and let DD have her fit. As I turned the corner, figuring DD would eventually realize I had ignored the fit, wasnt budging and then come running, worried I left her behind. The lady goes over to her, picks her up, wipes her tears, and says oh hunny, Here is $2 and the box of cereal, but that means you need to be a good girl. Now go catch up with mommy before she abandons you here at the store!

I completely agree with your thoughts, however, I have a couple of comments...and please do not think I am trying to be rude because it isn;'t meant that way...

First I would have been LIVID at the woman for giving my child money and for even interfearing at all!

However, as a parent myself and as a shopper minding my own business, I HATE when parents just keep going about their business as their child screams when they are told no about something.

I mean, good for you for saying no to your child (the easy part) and for sticking to your guns about it (the hard part) but I don't think she should have been allowed to stay in the store and have a fit. I would have immediately picked my child up, aboandoned my cart and removed her to the car until she were able to behave herself in public. Coing back later if necessary.

As a shopper, who really enjoys the "alone time", I really don't want to listen to someone's child scream while the mom just goes about her shopping.

That isn't really fair to others who are in the store.

[countrymom]

IMO, when they took spanking away and TOLD us how to discipline our children that is where things started breaking down. Parents rights were slowly starting to be chipped away. Slowly overtime the children picked this up and ran with it. When I started hearing what my child could and couldn't do that is where I knew there was trouble and as parents there would be issues. I'm not condoning beating at all! If there is a child being neglected, beaten, etc. the authorities have all rights to protect that child

Also, we have homeschooled and boy was my eyes opened up when we did. You do have alot of parents raising good kids but at the same time you have parents that are letting the child do all the schooling, do unschooling and really not know what it means to have to be accountable for things. When we had conferences for our student that ended up going to school the teachers where so amazed that they had been homeschooled. The child knew how to raise there hands, not interuppet, have assignments turned in, was organized, etc. It was commented that alot of homeschoolers don't know how to act with a large group of children in a classroom sitting because it is usually only them and siblings.

Have any of you sat through a storytime at a children library? Oh, my it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. My children knew how to sit, listen and keep their hands to themselves. I have never seen such disrepectful children! They will be talking, walking, rolling, etc. while the librarian is trying to read and disracting everyone. Then you have the mom sitting across the room telling the child in a loud whisper to stop. Please get up and remove your child! Bring them back when they can sit and behave.

As a nation we need to take the parenting back! Children are not born equipped to raise themselves, make decisions, know life skills, etc. I think though we are the last generation to really raise kids the "Old Fashion" way.

omg, omg, have you been sitting at my library program. I so dread tues. because of this. My group is so good, they sit and listen and participate and then there are "those kids" my niece is one of them. She is 4 next month and is very rude, does what she wants and thinks she can do anything. She knows I don't put up with her nonsense but my sister laughs, I don't find it funny that a 4 yr old is telling me what to do in my house, I fix her every time she comes here. My mom even says that its amazing how she listens to me.

[bunnyslippers]

I actually think parents, for the most part, are doing a good job. I am probably biased, because I am a young mother. I do put a great deal of effort into being an involved mother, and I think my children benefit from that.

I grew up in a single parent family, and I was under enormous pressure to grow up far too fast. As a result, I make the most of every opportunity to let my children be children for as long as they can.

My children know how to behave and what is expected of them. We teach them proper manners, and sit down to a family dinner every night. They do have lots of gadgets, but that is part of growing up in their generation. While I long for simpler times, that is simply not their reality. We have "power down" hours, when everything gets turned off (including dad's phone). We are active, and play outside as much as possible.

I know I am proud of the way I parent, and my friends all share the same parenting style as me. I am raising kind, generous, responsible children.

[countrymom]

I think the ego praising bribery thing is another big thing. Long ago, you were expected to do things. Now you need to praise your children before they do it and bribe them so they will do it. It drives me crazy. Like I don't pay for grades at school. Its their job to go to school and get good grades. My dh had a mom who paid for grades because they were all bad kids. Well dh learned really fast when he had to shell out 150 dollars for grades and realized that they were expected to earn those marks.
Or the boy that takes the bus with my kids, everyday his mother has to talk to him and bribe him to go to school and behave and if he has a good week she buys him a toy. My kids know if they miss behave at school they will meet my slipper. Never had a problem yet.

[MarinaVanessa]

One time my 2 year old was having a meltdown in the grocery store about wanting a box of cereal that I said "no". She threw herself on the floor and was kicking and screaming. A lady was standing there, giving me daggers. I just kept shopping, and let DD have her fit. As I turned the corner, figuring DD would eventually realize I had ignored the fit, wasnt budging and then come running, worried I left her behind. The lady goes over to her, picks her up, wipes her tears, and says oh hunny, Here is $2 and the box of cereal, but that means you need to be a good girl. Now go catch up with mommy before she abandons you here at the store!

I'm not being critical either, I don't know how you handled the situation after the fact (I hope she didn't get her cereal : ... my comment is just to comment on blackcat's comment. Blackcat I would have handled the situation almost just like you .

It bothers me too when I'm in public and there are crying and/or screaming children, it really downs my experience. Every time that one of my kids cries or throws a fit, the trip is over. If I've just spent an hour at the grocery store and I only have to buy one more thing and then I'm done but my DD throws a tantrum, I walk my cart to the front and explain that I need to get her out of there and that I'll be back for it later and without my DD. If I'm at a restaurant and my 1yo cries, either myself or my husband take him outside until he is calm. If we can't calm him, then dinner is over.

Mrs.B, I commend you. You said no and stuck to your guns and that's great. If a woman would have given my DD the $2 for the cereal I would have politely given the money back and explained that I was teaching my DD that throwing a tantrum is not the right way to get her way. If the woman gave me attitude about it, oh well. Her problem not mine. If the woman would have insisted on giving my DD the money or buying her the cereal then the homeless man outside the store would have just gotten either $2 or a box of cereal. I don't know what you did after the fact but good for you for sticking to your guns.

[DBug]

It bothers me too when I'm in public and there are crying and/or screaming children, it really downs my experience. Every time that one of my kids cries or throws a fit, the trip is over. If I've just spent an hour at the grocery store and I only have to buy one more thing and then I'm done but my DD throws a tantrum, I walk my cart to the front and explain that I need to get her out of there and that I'll be back for it later and without my DD. If I'm at a restaurant and my 1yo cries, either myself or my husband take him outside until he is calm. If we can't calm him, then dinner is over.

I have to add my experience with my 2nd ds in here -- he was (and continues to be) incredibly strong-willed. He threw many tantrums in public places, but if I had EVER taken him out of a public situation to go home for throwing a tantrum, he would have jumped on it. He would have thrown more tantrums either to make me take him home (he hated running errands), or just to exert control.

I couldn't walk away from him in a situation like this, because he would have stayed there indefinitely (tried it a few times ...). What I did have to do is quickly take him to the car or bathroom for a quick spanking, and then we had to resume whatever it was we were doing. There was no way I could give him even the remote idea that his tantrum had changed my plans in the slightest.

Thing is, he was 2 or 3 when he was throwing those tantrums. He's not the 6 year old throwing the fit in Walmart, or the 9 year old freaking out at the grocery store. Maybe if those parents had stuck to their guns and annoyed a few shoppers a few years back, the big kid tantrums wouldn't be driving everyone nuts now.

[Blackcat31]

I have to add my experience with my 2nd ds in here -- he was (and continues to be) incredibly strong-willed. He threw many tantrums in public places, but if I had EVER taken him out of a public situation to go home for throwing a tantrum, he would have jumped on it. He would have thrown more tantrums either to make me take him home (he hated running errands), or just to exert control.

I couldn't walk away from him in a situation like this, because he would have stayed there indefinitely (tried it a few times ...). What I did have to do is quickly take him to the car or bathroom for a quick spanking, and then we had to resume whatever it was we were doing. There was no way I could give him even the remote idea that his tantrum had changed my plans in the slightest.

Thing is, he was 2 or 3 when he was throwing those tantrums. He's not the 6 year old throwing the fit in Walmart, or the 9 year old freaking out at the grocery store. Maybe if those parents had stuck to their guns and annoyed a few shoppers a few years back, the big kid tantrums wouldn't be driving everyone nuts now.

You are soo right about that. I guess I am annoyed by the bigger ones alot more than I am by the little ones who are suppose to be throwing fits at their age.

[Heidi]

I have to agree with those that said they would NOT leave doing something needed, like grocery shopping, because their child was throwing a fit. Now, if we were somewhere fun for THEM, then yeah, we're done!

Having a fit at home gets you sent to your room
Having a fit when we're doing something fun means we go home
Having a fit when mom needs to get something done means one on the rear!

I can only remember one time in 22 years of parenting 4 children that I actually had to go to option #3.

[Countrygal]

To answer the OP - I have actually been thinking about this ever since it was posted and have been doing some observation....

To me, the biggest thing I've noticed is not teaching values. Not ACTIVELY teaching them. For instance, teaching obedience. Even the most well-meaning and kind parent comes in here and tells their child to "get their coat on". I have yet to see a parent enforce this. The child runs around, gives hugs, tells the parent all about their day, but INVARIABLY does NOT put on their coat. The parent then proceeds to get the coat, attempt to corral the errant toddler who is still running all over and laughing and playing, and then proceeds to put the coat on the child FOR THEM (this is a child who is very capable of putting on coat, boots, whatever). What value are you teaching your child, here, parent??? You are teaching them 1) poor listening skills, 2) you don't have to do what you are told if you don't want to and 3) someone else will do it for you if you don't do it and there will be no consequences.

I see this carried into all aspects of life - listening, obeying, telling the truth, speaking kindly, etc, etc, etc.

I have debated where this comes from - are parents just too busy to be bothered? Are they wanting to be "nice" at the expense of training? Do they expect others to do this training? Are they afraid of being too strict or being "turned in" or even of appearances? I honestly have no answer, but I do know that every single parent I know is not teaching or training their children in the simple acts of character. Perhaps as a society we have put so much emphasis on "head knowledge" that we have forgotten about teaching values and character. *shrugs*

As I reread this it sounds very harsh. It is not meant to be so, but it is what I have observed and how I feel over 35 years of raising and working with children. I think most parents are well-meaning, but I question whether well-meaning is always what is best for our children? Sometimes we can't be their "friend" - we need to be their parent.

This is all IMO only....... I hope it does not offend anyone.....