Anxious 3 Year Old

[Ariana]

I'm sorry this is so long and all over the place...

I have a 3.5 year old DCG who seems very anxious. She hoards toys and plays with the same toys over and over and over especially if they're new toys. The play scenarios are almost always "mommy and baby" scenarios and if she's unable to find a "mommy" animal or "baby" animal she will just stop playing. She's apparently holding poop and pee at home (she doesn't do it here) and having nightmares and not sleeping well at night almost every single night.

Does any of this sound like normal behavior or not? I have a lot of experience with kids but to me none of this seems normal. She dissolves into tears a lot and I have a hard time even having a converation with her because nothing she says makes sense. I know that at home there is little structure and they watch tv a lot and there is very little supervision. Her parents are seperated but live in the same house (how does that even work?)

She's a smart kid and knows her letter and numbers and there isn't a delay at all just behaviorally she seems anxious and nervous all the time. I spoke to mom about it today and her response was "well hopefully she'll just get over it and we'll try to help her through it". I feel mostly that she just said it to appease me and is not really interested. I'm not going to bring it up with her anymore but need some support from somewhere that I'm either right or wrong to be concerned. As a childcare provider I feel so helpless and underappreciated when I voice concern about a childs behavior

[Hunni Bee]

I'm sorry this is so long and all over the place...

I have a 3.5 year old DCG who seems very anxious. She hoards toys and plays with the same toys over and over and over especially if they're new toys. The play scenarios are almost always "mommy and baby" scenarios and if she's unable to find a "mommy" animal or "baby" animal she will just stop playing. She's apparently holding poop and pee at home (she doesn't do it here) and having nightmares and not sleeping well at night almost every single night.

Does any of this sound like normal behavior or not? I have a lot of experience with kids but to me none of this seems normal. She dissolves into tears a lot and I have a hard time even having a converation with her because nothing she says makes sense. I know that at home there is little structure and they watch tv a lot and there is very little supervision. Her parents are seperated but live in the same house (how does that even work?)

She's a smart kid and knows her letter and numbers and there isn't a delay at all just behaviorally she seems anxious and nervous all the time. I spoke to mom about it today and her response was "well hopefully she'll just get over it and we'll try to help her through it". I feel mostly that she just said it to appease me and is not really interested. I'm not going to bring it up with her anymore but need some support from somewhere that I'm either right or wrong to be concerned. As a childcare provider I feel so helpless and underappreciated when I voice concern about a childs behavior

I have almost the exact same child! 3.5 year old girl, suddenly very anxious, very teary, not acting like a normal 3 year old. She wakes up every 30 minutes during nap, crying and looking around like there's something lurking to get her (she naps in the room with the other kids). She starts bickering and fights with the other kids. She's prone to tears about any little thing - yesterday while the other kids were passing out the treats they brought, if they didn't pass her one first, she cried. She spends 50% of her day sitting around sniffling and tearing over some tiny issue.

I have no idea what is wrong or what to do. I just tell her to go the Cozy Corner if she needs to cry, and come back when she's done. She does have some (cognitive?) issues - she needs directions spoken directly into her face. If I say "its time for circle time", she'll watch the other kids get up and go to the rug, and she'll sit there and cry til I tell her personally to go. She really knows no colors, shapes, etc and like your girl, some of her conversation makes no sense.

Her mom IS supportive and on board, and promised to talk to her pediatrician. According to her, the dad drops in and out at random, and the girl's behavior reflects it. I'd be :confused: like you if her mom didn't care, and I know it makes it hard when they don't....keep trying and document. Often child psychologists want specific behaviors and times, situations, etc.

[Ariana]

Hunni Bee it helps to know I'm not alone at least. It's hard when you know something is wrong but can't quite put your finger on it. If I had a more supportive parents it might help. I've come to terms with the fact that I care more than the parents so what's the point because it's not my problem. It's just hard to spend 8 hours a day every day with a kid who needs help

I've dealt with matters with my DCM before though and she always said she'd do something but never does. I know there is no way she'll take her to a child psychologist. The mom is very self absorbed. The worst part is that I think with a little more structure at home, less junk food and more discipline/boundaries the child would thrive like she is at my house. She tells me frequently that she loves daycare so at least I have that

[nannyde]

I'm sorry this is so long and all over the place...

I have a 3.5 year old DCG who seems very anxious. She hoards toys and plays with the same toys over and over and over especially if they're new toys. The play scenarios are almost always "mommy and baby" scenarios and if she's unable to find a "mommy" animal or "baby" animal she will just stop playing. She's apparently holding poop and pee at home (she doesn't do it here) and having nightmares and not sleeping well at night almost every single night.

Does any of this sound like normal behavior or not? I have a lot of experience with kids but to me none of this seems normal. She dissolves into tears a lot and I have a hard time even having a converation with her because nothing she says makes sense. I know that at home there is little structure and they watch tv a lot and there is very little supervision. Her parents are seperated but live in the same house (how does that even work?)

She's a smart kid and knows her letter and numbers and there isn't a delay at all just behaviorally she seems anxious and nervous all the time. I spoke to mom about it today and her response was "well hopefully she'll just get over it and we'll try to help her through it". I feel mostly that she just said it to appease me and is not really interested. I'm not going to bring it up with her anymore but need some support from somewhere that I'm either right or wrong to be concerned. As a childcare provider I feel so helpless and underappreciated when I voice concern about a childs behavior

I've had this kid before many times. I can't say for sure from your description that she actually needs outside help but I can say what worked for mine:

Time to go commando on her discipline. She begging for someone to intercede to stop her fixations because she can't manage it herself.

No hoarding. Whatever she gathers to make her own needs to immediately be removed from her and given to the other kids. She's telling you THOSE toys are stopping her from moving forward in her play. Don't remove them from the room just tell her SHE can't have them.

New toys are an escalator: When bringing new toys into the day care have each child ONE BY ONE play for about fifteen minutes with the toy. Start with the youngest kid who can play with it and move up toward your oldest. Put the toy on a white sheet or towel and do it at the end of the room within sight but a distance from the playing kids. Have her be the last to get one to one time with the toy.

Now she will spend the whole time watching the others play with it one at a time but that's what you are after. She needs to SEE kids play with it and then surrender it when their turn is over WITHOUT any problem. THAT'S the exercise. Watch and learn how it's done by the "professional" sharers.

The Mommy Baby words/fixation/play: Don't allow it at all. Tell her "no Mommy / Baby" animal go play toys. If she turns toys into mommy/baby then they get taken away. She will first refuse and not play anything but that's what you want. She needs to sit with nothing to do and watch the other kids. She needs to have the very small/limited type of play she has removed from her mindset so she can get on with it and start exploring self entertainment in OTHER kinds of play.

The disolving into tears is just an energy evacuator from the pent up energy she has from getting her fixations on. She has to release it some way so she's crying. She could be whacking at people, dumping over your china cabinet, or trying to embezzel money from your bank account so consider yourself to be blessed she does it that way.

When she gets into the blow steam part of the cycle.... just smile at her and say "you cry ... nice job" Let her get her self cycled down and then GO PLAY TOYS. You have to let her know it's okay for her to have a good cry and then fineagain beginagain.

She's BEGGING you for intercession and allowing her fixation/hoarding is petting her unstable mindset. So get in the middle of it all and break it up. She needs to go play and play regular play. Do the new toys as I told you and stop the repetetive storyline/play. Whenever they do this it means they don't know how to play. They haven't been put in a position where they HAVE to make something of nothing. She's screaming from the top of the roof tops that she doesn't have a clue of how to self entertain. She can't go from tv watching and "let's go nuts" like she does at home to a room full of toys and other kids to contend with. It will take YOU to bridge the gaps and just stop every kind of behavior/play that doesn't fit into your home. A good way to know if her play is okay is just listen to your gut. If your gut says "no likey" then break the play up. Just be careful that it's easy to allow them to do something if they are out of your hair. Just because they self occupy it doesn't mean it's quality good self play. You have to watch the play to make sure it doesn't get shored down to just a few high stimulation actions and words and then all other play is dismissed. That's what's happened with her reinacting mommy/baby animal.

Lastly, I would suggest not doing ANY adult activity with her. I wouldn't do ANY kind of craft, art, reading, schooling... NOTHING. She needs a good month just focused on her entertaining herself and teaching herself to play toys. Adding those adult generated activties will make the transition harder for her. Of course do normal care stuff... feed... go outside... potty etc. but I wouldn't do a single adult driven activity with her until I saw her having a few weeks under her belt of playing real kid play.

[Ariana]

Thank you nannyde!! I actually did everything you said with a princess toy I had a few months ago, except I took it from the room instead of forcing her to watch others play with it. Great advice!!

Right now she's playing mommy and baby with some cats and so far they've been sleeping for 2 hours straight...that's the play scenario today. It's only her and my daughter today so it makes things really frustrating. I've been getting lazy so it's time to start implementing what you've said. It's just really great to have a place to come and chat with others who've been there and assure you that you're not crazy Thanks!!

ETA: Took away the cats and kitten toys and told her to play something other than "mommy and baby", I then gave her some ideas like playing grocery store or school. She immediately went to the book corner as per usual and sat and looked at books until lunch. ugh. My poor daughter has no one to play with and gets so bored playing with this child