Missed Opportunity To Say Something....

[daycare]

I have a kid that is fairly new to my care. He is 4 and is a really sweet child, but does not listen at all.

I have been having a very very hard time getting him to listen to me. When I tell him something, he will run away from me, hide from me, shout NO, baby talk and etc. I have been working with him for about 3 months now.

I have talked to the parents about his behavior many times. They tell me that he does not do that at home, blah blah blah and so on. That if he does, that he is disciplined or corrected right away.

So yesterday DCM showed up early to pick up DCB. DCM and I talked for a bit about his day and then other parents started to arrive. Next thing I know, the DCB had gotten some food down from my counter (box of graham crackers) and is walking around my house eating them. I immediately tell DCB, where did you get those and he points to the counter. I say well you need to sit down if you are going to eat those. I know I should have said sorry, it 5:45 PM, snack time was over at 3:30, but I didnt. Well of course, DCB does not listen to me and keeps on walking around with the food. Mom finally says something, but he yells NO at her. I wait to see if mom will respond again and she does not. I step in and say, you need to sit at the table, or I will take the food and throw it away.

Long story short, it got worse and the mom did NOTHING. Every time she asked her child to do something, it was a NO from him, or same exact thing that he does to me.

I should have taken that opportunity to say to the DCM is this how he behaves at home and is this how you respond to him? BUT I was in such shock of his behavior and her non-response to it that I didnt say anything at all.

So now I want to say something and not too sure how to bring it up. I know that I can't tell the parents how to parent, but if this is what I am going to deal with, I think I will be beating a dead horse. Even with the child being full time, he does have to go home every weekend and all of my hard work is undone..... I feel like I may be at a loss here...

[daycare]

Sorry I wanted to add,

Should I just tell her at the next drop off that I couldn't help but notice the way he behaved with her and ask if that is what goes on at home as well? I just want to make sure that I am not coming across as though I am putting her parenting skills down.

[beachgrl]

I have been there before w my prek kids and parents who were adamant that they didnt act like that at home but they did and in a couple cases they even told on themselves eventually...

What i have found is that the kids did learn our routine and rules even if it takes a lot of reinforcement and work, they would fall in line for the most part..of course holiday breaks were like a mini start over session but with you having him three months that is plenty of time to get w the prgogram.

I was just dtermined and would follow up everyime i could w them when they tested things, i woukd even tell them they were not at home, our riles are different and you have to follow them, you have to listen...kids are pretty good usually w realizing and adjusting to different places and guidelines even if they dont want to do it ..good luck!

[LittleD]

No you won't be beating a dead horse, but it may take longer to train him. You already know what you should've done, took the cookies away from him. You need to have clear rules and stick with them. I had/have a child this age who has been defiant since I had him (2yrs) I had to train him and boy it was tough! Time outs were a game, where he'd run away, or not sit on the chair, just stand beside it. Alllllll a power struggle, and that's what your guy is doing.

I have a cut-out of a house, with 5 MAIN rules on it. We would go over it every day. I also explained these are only the main rules, but there are others that we need to remember as well. My main rules consisted of the behaviours that were LEAST desirable and punishable by time outs. I.E Hitting, kicking or any aggressive behaviours. Cleaning up toys when they are finished (not really a time out worth offense, but if I tell them to clean up and they won't listen, then they will eventually make their way there till they do the deed)

Main key-have your rules and the consequense for these rules and stick with it!! Only give 1 chance/warning to do as you say, then enforce consequence. This is NOT a debate, these are your rules, and tough if he doesn't like it! :: It is exhausting, but if you keep at it for 2 weeks, you should see a difference. And yes, Modays will be tougher for a bit

[Heidi]

I have gotten MUCH tougher with my 4 yo, too. The one thing he pulls is throwing HUGE temper tantrums. It used to be several a day, now it's still too often.

I've tried removing him, but he is just too heavy for me. My headstart director friend told me the trick. Everyone ELSE walks away. Take all the kids and just leave him there screaming where he can't get any attention. It's harder to move 4 other kids, but now that I've got that in my mind, I sort of have it as a plan.

This morning, he was being mean to his sister. I warned him that if he continued, he would LOOSE THE PRIVILEGE of playing in my son's room with my son (a rare treat). His answer was to get sassy with me. I said, well, obviously you are not making a good choice, K. He started ranting and raving "I WANT TO GO IN M's ROOM...." , and we all just went about our business, like he didn't exist. Then, we left the room (he was still in "sound"). After the tantrum was over, he came and asked me. Can I go into M's room now? uh, no!

I suspect what happens at home is his parents don't cave WHILE he's tantruming, but when it is over, he turns on the charm and gets what he wants...:confused:

I guess what I am saying is that you cannot control what goes on at home, only what you do. My dh keeps reminding me of that, and it's helped me to let go of what I cannot control. Now that I know what things this boy enjoys, though, I have tools to use. He acts out=he looses something he enjoys. Sooner or later, the cause and effect will work!

[MrsB]

I have gotten MUCH tougher with my 4 yo, too. The one thing he pulls is throwing HUGE temper tantrums. It used to be several a day, now it's still too often.

I've tried removing him, but he is just too heavy for me. My headstart director friend told me the trick. Everyone ELSE walks away. Take all the kids and just leave him there screaming where he can't get any attention. It's harder to move 4 other kids, but now that I've got that in my mind, I sort of have it as a plan.

This morning, he was being mean to his sister. I warned him that if he continued, he would LOOSE THE PRIVILEGE of playing in my son's room with my son (a rare treat). His answer was to get sassy with me. I said, well, obviously you are not making a good choice, K. He started ranting and raving "I WANT TO GO IN M's ROOM...." , and we all just went about our business, like he didn't exist. Then, we left the room (he was still in "sound"). After the tantrum was over, he came and asked me. Can I go into M's room now? uh, no!

I suspect what happens at home is his parents don't cave WHILE he's tantruming, but when it is over, he turns on the charm and gets what he wants...:confused:

I guess what I am saying is that you cannot control what goes on at home, only what you do. My dh keeps reminding me of that, and it's helped me to let go of what I cannot control. Now that I know what things this boy enjoys, though, I have tools to use. He acts out=he looses something he enjoys. Sooner or later, the cause and effect will work!

This is the same in my experience.

For the most part mine do really well with me (minus the little retraining on mondays and after long breaks) but i always tell parents at interview. My house, my rules, my discipline. if a child does something while here in my house, i have no problems disciplining them appropriately as if parent wasnt here. If a parent has a problem with me cutting in or me disciplining them in front of them while they are here at my home. then i say when a child is getting picked up, I will get shoes and coat on and bring them out to the parent for a smoother transition.

[daycare]

i understand what you are saying, of course my house my rules....As stated in my post, I know I can't tell them how to parent, but when you have parents tell you that they do things one way, but you see another, should we bring it up? Call them out on it? I should have done so that night, but like I said was in shock...

I have had kids that are part time that after a few weeks that get the swing of how I do thinks, but not this one.....

[Heidi]

i understand what you are saying, of course my house my rules....As stated in my post, I know I can't tell them how to parent, but when you have parents tell you that they do things one way, but you see another, should we bring it up? Call them out on it? I should have done so that night, but like I said was in shock...

I have had kids that are part time that after a few weeks that get the swing of how I do thinks, but not this one.....

I TOTALLY understand how frustrating this is! Mine has been here for 8 months now, and it's still only a little better. Mom is FINALLY being honest with me about what they see at home, and I've stepped back and observed alot when they are together. I still can't control what they do at home, but it helps so much to at least know what is going on there....