Wont use her words, any advice

[daycare]

Good morning everyone,

So yesterday I posted about a little girl that I am having problems connecting with. I will be talking with the mom, but I really dont have a resolution for the issues that are occurring here and was hoping maybe someone can give me some input.

The little girl I have is 4 years old and does not communicate with me, or the other children hardly at all. This is not that big of a deal, except for the fact that she refuses to talk to me, even though I know that she can.

Example, on Monday we were eating egg and cheese burritos for breakfast. Instead of her telling me I don't like this, she takes it and squeezes all of the eggs and cheese out of it onto my carpet. She did not get into trouble, but when I asked her to clean it up, she exploded like a volcano into a massive tantrum. Eventually about 30 minutes later, she did pick it up. She does this with everything.

I have tired to encourage her to use her words, but I get nothing back or I get squealing sounds. Which I don't speak squeal, so I don't understand any of it.


I am at a huge loss, I can tell the mom what is happening here, but I don't know what to do to fix it.

Any advice??

[familyschoolcare]

First you say you know she can use her words how do you know this?

The reason I bring that up is that untill 9 months ago everyone thought my nephew could use his words and just would not and now we know that he has a nueirlogical disorder which causes him to not speak well.

[Heidi]

I would sit down with mom, and find out who she DOES talk to.

My friend's daughter, who is now 12, got to the point where she wouldn't talk to ANYONE except mom, dad, & sibs. She has known me all her life-I helped name her, and was the 3rd person to hold her. But, if I asked her a question, she would answer mom by whispering in her ear, and then mom would have to tell me. She did not talk at school.

Those of us who love her ALWAYS knew something was off, but not until she was in school did she get intervention.

SHe had a lot of other odd behaviors over the years, including Pica (eating wierd things), and an obsession with poison (which caused her to loose weight dramatically).

3 years ago, after much, much, debating, my friend finally agreed to try medication (an anti-depressant). OMG! I had not seen her for a few months (lives in Madison, over an hour a way), and we stopped to visit. My daughter and her immediately bonded, and an hour later, she was going home with us for a week. I was in tears on the way home, because I was so happy-she WOULD NOT SHUT UP! happyface

Anyway, I don't know why I had to share this whole story, but my first action in your shoes would be to ask questions. Sit down and ask mom what she sees. Get a good developmental checklist and work through that. THEN, you can come up with a plan, whether it's referring her for services or working together with mom to draw her out somehow. IF she's just really, really shy, one option might be to teach her some signs, for instance.

[daycare]

I would sit down with mom, and find out who she DOES talk to.

My friend's daughter, who is now 12, got to the point where she wouldn't talk to ANYONE except mom, dad, & sibs. She has known me all her life-I helped name her, and was the 3rd person to hold her. But, if I asked her a question, she would answer mom by whispering in her ear, and then mom would have to tell me. She did not talk at school.

Those of us who love her ALWAYS knew something was off, but not until she was in school did she get intervention.

SHe had a lot of other odd behaviors over the years, including Pica (eating wierd things), and an obsession with poison (which caused her to loose weight dramatically).

3 years ago, after much, much, debating, my friend finally agreed to try medication (an anti-depressant). OMG! I had not seen her for a few months (lives in Madison, over an hour a way), and we stopped to visit. My daughter and her immediately bonded, and an hour later, she was going home with us for a week. I was in tears on the way home, because I was so happy-she WOULD NOT SHUT UP! happyface

Anyway, I don't know why I had to share this whole story, but my first action in your shoes would be to ask questions. Sit down and ask mom what she sees. Get a good developmental checklist and work through that. THEN, you can come up with a plan, whether it's referring her for services or working together with mom to draw her out somehow. IF she's just really, really shy, one option might be to teach her some signs, for instance.

Thanks so much for responding.

I know she can talk, she has talks here from time to time, just very rare occasions that she does.

My niece is much like this too and she suffer from social anxiety, but this child is much different that this little DCG.

DCG before coming to me was be watched my her aunt who has a child that is 2 and is not well behaved in anyway (aggressive). The DCP tells me that the DCG learned a lot of really bad things from her niece and that the Aunt basically has no rules, consequences, or any form of guidance at all.
I knew what I was getting into, but she has been here since November and it's still this way.

[My3cents]

Good morning everyone,

So yesterday I posted about a little girl that I am having problems connecting with. I will be talking with the mom, but I really dont have a resolution for the issues that are occurring here and was hoping maybe someone can give me some input.

The little girl I have is 4 years old and does not communicate with me, or the other children hardly at all. This is not that big of a deal, except for the fact that she refuses to talk to me, even though I know that she can.

Example, on Monday we were eating egg and cheese burritos for breakfast. Instead of her telling me I don't like this, she takes it and squeezes all of the eggs and cheese out of it onto my carpet. She did not get into trouble, but when I asked her to clean it up, she exploded like a volcano into a massive tantrum. Eventually about 30 minutes later, she did pick it up. She does this with everything.

I have tired to encourage her to use her words, but I get nothing back or I get squealing sounds. Which I don't speak squeal, so I don't understand any of it.


I am at a huge loss, I can tell the mom what is happening here, but I don't know what to do to fix it.

Any advice??

Thirty minutes later? I would have addressed the issue then and there, and yes she would have been in trouble. Not acceptable behavior.

Expect her to talk- when she doesn't move on. She is using this tactic because she knows it is her control. If she doesn't want to talk, don't make a big deal out of it and move on to someone that loves to talk. She will get the idea. All you can do is keep encouraging her to use her words. Do you want the blue crayon? Stubborn....... Ok then say yes. Don't give her the blue crayon until she says yes. You know she can- its a stubborn control issue, not an issue of her not being able.

The minute she started dismembering her food, I would have said to her ok, I guess your done, lets clean this up, wash you up and off you go to play. I would have made her be a part of helping to clean up the mess and it would not have been an issue that got thirty or more minutes of time.

Hope this helps-

Another thing is your house, your rules, your the boss. Expect, don't cave into how she used to do things. Kids adapt well. They know rules are different at home, rules are different at school, rules are different at Grammies, and rules are different at daycare. Show her the way things are done at your house, and keep explanations brief and to the point. Most children only hear the first few words and the rest goes right out the other ear, so make those first words to the point and non negotiable. Be consistent and you should see improvements- should-

Now, I hope this helps

[daycare]

Thirty minutes later? I would have addressed the issue then and there, and yes she would have been in trouble. Not acceptable behavior.

Expect her to talk- when she doesn't move on. She is using this tactic because she knows it is her control. If she doesn't want to talk, don't make a big deal out of it and move on to someone that loves to talk. She will get the idea. All you can do is keep encouraging her to use her words. Do you want the blue crayon? Stubborn....... Ok then say yes. Don't give her the blue crayon until she says yes. You know she can- its a stubborn control issue, not an issue of her not being able.

The minute she started dismembering her food, I would have said to her ok, I guess your done, lets clean this up, wash you up and off you go to play. I would have made her be a part of helping to clean up the mess and it would not have been an issue that got thirty or more minutes of time.

Hope this helps-

Another thing is your house, your rules, your the boss. Expect, don't cave into how she used to do things. Kids adapt well. They know rules are different at home, rules are different at school, rules are different at Grammies, and rules are different at daycare. Show her the way things are done at your house, and keep explanations brief and to the point. Most children only hear the first few words and the rest goes right out the other ear, so make those first words to the point and non negotiable. Be consistent and you should see improvements- should-

Now, I hope this helps

Thanks so much for your advice. great point about don't answer her and move on. I will have to learn to ignore her when she does this and wait for her to answer me with words.

Oh and the reason that it was 30 min later, was because when I told her that she would have to clean it up, she threw a massive tantrum for 30 min and I refused to clean it up so I waited until she was done with her tantrum and then made her help me clean it.

YOur advice helps me a lot.... I have been doing this for over 8 years now and I still find times I hit a wall and don't know what to say to parents on how to resolve issues....

[beachgrl]

I know she is a bit older but you could aldo try signs and or picture cards with her. I had a very shy to the extreme prek hispanic boy in my class who didnt speak to us for months.he said a cpl words to our spanish speaking esl person then refused to talk to him too. I taught him signs and worked on encouraging him to talk. He was fully capable of talking and a sweetheart for the most part but just wouldnt talk to us. When he told my ta NO several months into prek, she said she was never so happy to hear a child say no before ...

I think it really helped bring him out of his shell and eventually he was using signs and spoken language, then bam...he was talking to everyone and wide open haha, he left us a totally diff kid

[Heidi]

Thanks so much for your advice. great point about don't answer her and move on. I will have to learn to ignore her when she does this and wait for her to answer me with words.

Oh and the reason that it was 30 min later, was because when I told her that she would have to clean it up, she threw a massive tantrum for 30 min and I refused to clean it up so I waited until she was done with her tantrum and then made her help me clean it.

YOur advice helps me a lot.... I have been doing this for over 8 years now and I still find times I hit a wall and don't know what to say to parents on how to resolve issues....

My 3 1/2 you dc girl behaves EXACTLY like this (except that she's very verbal). We have the same argument at least every week-she throws toys around, I tell her that she needs to clean them up, and she has a major tantrum for up to 40 minutes. Throws the toys around more, or hides them under things, and when removed from the area, wont stay in "the thinking spot"/time out. Kicks me, hits me, yells "let me go"...argg

In the end, she always ends up caving in, and then loses privileges. But, next time, she just HAS to do it again!

[daycare]

I know she is a bit older but you could aldo try signs and or picture cards with her. I had a very shy to the extreme prek hispanic boy in my class who didnt speak to us for months.he said a cpl words to our spanish speaking esl person then refused to talk to him too. I taught him signs and worked on encouraging him to talk. He was fully capable of talking and a sweetheart for the most part but just wouldnt talk to us. When he told my ta NO several months into prek, she said she was never so happy to hear a child say no before ...

I think it really helped bring him out of his shell and eventually he was using signs and spoken language, then bam...he was talking to everyone and wide open haha, he left us a totally diff kid

beachgirl, thanks for responding.
This girl is doing it to try to be controlling. She does it at home too. There is no reason why other than she thinks that I will let her get away with it.

She comes from a home where the parents baby her and even baby talk to her, they think its cute and funny.

What is going to really stink is that DCP are having another baby any day now and everything the little girl is doing now that they think is so cute and funny wont be cute and funny any more. She is going to be stuck in the limelight of the new sibling.

[Heidi]

beachgirl, thanks for responding.
This girl is doing it to try to be controlling. She does it at home too. There is no reason why other than she thinks that I will let her get away with it.

She comes from a home where the parents baby her and even baby talk to her, they think its cute and funny.

What is going to really stink is that DCP are having another baby any day now and everything the little girl is doing now that they think is so cute and funny wont be cute and funny any more. She is going to be stuck in the limelight of the new sibling.

Def. give her LOTS of positive reinforcement on behaving like a "big girl"!!!

[daycare]

oh for sure....Right now the whole ignoring routine is starting to work. It is hard to turn my back, but if I dont then I will never be able to build a relationship with this girl based on whining and squeals....

Def is a hard thing to deal with, as it is irritating to hear and watch.....