Logged Out On Purpose...Need Advice

[Unregistered]

This is personal but ties into my daycare profession and kinda long so I apologize. I have been seeing this guy off and on for the last Couple of years. He is a good guy and a good dad but his ex causes a lot of drama for us. Last summer she started making false accusations against me and my daycare to some people around town. At the time he wasn't ready for a real relationship (wanted only a friendship) so I told him I wasnt putting up with all the drama since he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship. Basically everything with her stopped for me. She hadnt made anymore remarks about me or my Childcare that I know of.

Fast forward to now...she started a daycare in her home and has been thinking of joining the local Childcare association. She has even called me and asked me for advice since she knows "I know daycare very well" (her words). Well long story short the guy has had a change of heart...realized that he missed me and what we had and is now ready for a relationship. I'm happy.. Really have feelings for him and it seems like we can make this work. This all started Friday (him contacting me through Facebook) I think she somehow saw our comments on a group page so she knew we were talking again. Before Friday was even halfway over she called one of the association members and said I was telling him things about her daycare that she had discussed with me when she called me that time. At that point her name had not even been mentioned. She is just paranoid I guess.

I'm really worried that she is going to start bad mouthing me again and I have a great reputation in my area for daycare and my personal life so I do not want her interfering. What should I do? I could not care less about what she does with her daycare and he couldn't either so she isn't on our major list of conversation topics. I'm thinking if she continues I will get an attorney and sue for slander maybe? I don't know. Does anyone have any advice? Been in similar situations maybe?

The last time she did start saying things she said I left her child at the park while I was watching my own children's sports game. I have about 10 other parents that know that isn't true. But things like that could certainly damage my professional rep right? Am I worrying too much about this? Or am I right to be concerned and want to nip it before it gets started this time?

[cheerfuldom]

If you care about this guy, then you have to find a way to live with the fact that there may always be drama with her. Think carefully and decide now whether you are willing to get into this long term or not. Also, slander can hurt your reputation, however, I don't think a few comments from her are going to ruin your reputation with your current parents, the association and the people that do know you well. I personally would never let this type of person scare me. If I felt that her remarks were going to far then yes, I would be willing to seek legal counsel, etc. For now, it doesn't sound like anything she has said has made an impact at all besides hurting your feelings. I would just ignore it. It is your boyfriend's responsibility to handle his ex. I would also not be around his kids for now, especially during daycare hours. Never be around them alone for now ...to avoid accusations.

[youretooloud]

Do you watch their child? If she's bothered by your relationship, why did she allow you to watch her child? I'll admit to being the jealous type, and wouldn't have wanted my ex's new relationship spending time with my kids. So, I might have been pretty mean if I thought she was with my kids for any length of time.

I seriously doubt I would try to attack her profession though. Especially just out of spite.

So... for this particular problem, either you, or this man or both needs to stop her immediately. You could call her (keep very calm, level headed, yet firm) and have her ex call her too. Just approach it as "I'm very uncomfortable with the way you are talking about me to others in the association. Some of what you say gets back to me, and it's untrue. If you have a problem, please bring the problem to me before talking to others."

He needs to tell her that "You can't try to destroy her livelihood just because you are jealous." <--that will make her mad. "I'm not jealous!!!"

[Unregistered]

Thanks cheerfuldom for the advice. I realize I will have to put up with some drama but I think she is taking it to the extreme.

Youretooloud, I have kept him while he worked for one weekend (he was with me the parts of the weekend while his dad worked) I even took him to have lunch with his dad at his work which both father and son enjoyed. Other than that no I havent kept him. Funny thing is she has called me for Childcare more than once for her son before she started her daycare. Once before she knew he and I were friends and once after she spread the first set of rumors. I was thinking of calling her and trying to have a conversation with her about all this like you're suggesting so maybe I will try that. My ex has a live in g/f too and I do not care for her but I dont go around town saying things (especially things that arent true) about her or him for that matter. I may vent to my mom or sister and say some pretty mean things when I'm mad about them but she went as far as saying these things to her and possibly his attorney. I know it's probably only going to get worse especially when she's we are becoming more serious.

[mrsp'slilpeeps]

IMHO, going on experience here as well, (mother of my Stepson),

As long as his ex see's you in his life and her child's life she will stop at nothing to try and make your life miserable.

I have been with my husband for 12 years, and she still tries to find a way to make our life S#&T.

I have had welfare at my house 7 times both from her and my SS.

I have had so much crap go on in this lifetime from her and SS that I could write a novel.

I know you care for this guy but if you are wary about this relationship, that is your gut instinct telling you to forget about it.

[melskids]

Yeah, you know, I understand matters of the heart are tough. You like the guy. I get it. But me, personally, I've already been through too much $hit in my lifetime to deal with a pshyco ex. No guy is worth that to me.

Totally JMO, and NO help whatsoever. I know.

[Ariana]

I do agree with re-evaluating your feelings for this guy. He wasn't ready the first time, so what's different now? What happens if the crazy ex ruins your rep and then this guy leaves you again? You really need to do what's best for you. I think there's someone better out there for you perhaps. I have given this advice to sooo many women but when you're in love, the heart rules all so I don't expect you to take it.

[Heidi]

There are a lot of people out there that you could love. Everyone of them has some sort of baggage, to be sure. If this is your livelihood, I would not put it on the line for someone you think you might have feelings for. Personally, even without the ex drama, I say he got his chance before. Now he's thinking the grass is greener? nah....

[youretooloud]

LOL.. I am the poster child for "heartless, no drama queen". If I thought some guy was going to cause me any extra drama, I'd dump him so fast his head would spin. I have never been the kind of person to stick with a new relationship if I forsee any issues.

I want ZERO drama!

When I was dating, if the guy had a kid with "issues" at school or the police or anything at all I dumped him ASAP. I feel sorta bad about it... I just hate to buy someone else's problems. Even if it isn't their fault.

It's really not the best attitude and I'm not recommending it... just saying what I would do.

[JennyBear]

I have to agree with most of the others on this on.
When you were hanging around with this guy before, for whatever reason he didn't want a relationship with you at the time...and his feelings never grew to the point where if he "wasn't ready for a relationship" he fell for you so hard that he just wanted to be with you anyway.
You really have to ask yourself if you see a future with this guy long term. My guess is probably not (seeing how a ton of drama, and not starting this off on a decent foot can add to a stressful relationship, causing a break up). Sounds like this ex of his is very immature and will stop at nothing to get you going (or even break you guys up). You really have to ask if all of this is worth it? There are PLENTY of decent guys out there- I wouldn't settle for one that didn't like me enough to want to be in a relationship with me in the first place, and has some psycho ex.

I know it sounds really crappy but that's just my opinion and what I would likely do, especially since my daycare business is income that I need to help support my family.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!! (oh, and I wouldn't be alone with his son for a while in case this woman tries to accuse you of something that you don't want to deal with--especially since you work with other children)

[SimpleMom]

The above advice is great. One more idea is to call her on it. Call the Police and get a restraining order if you have to. I have dealt with defaming ONCE. It was horrible. Embarrassing. I went right up to the the gal and confronted her on it. Told her if she said one more bad word about me I would go to the police and to basically knock it off. Seemed to do the trick.,

Now, with the boyfriend in the picture it makes it tricky. It's probably a package deal. I would still start by confronting her. and go from there. Good luck.

(((HUGS))))

[mrsp'slilpeeps]

I have to agree with most of the others on this on.
When you were hanging around with this guy before, for whatever reason he didn't want a relationship with you at the time...and his feelings never grew to the point where if he "wasn't ready for a relationship" he fell for you so hard that he just wanted to be with you anyway.
You really have to ask yourself if you see a future with this guy long term. My guess is probably not (seeing how a ton of drama, and not starting this off on a decent foot can add to a stressful relationship, causing a break up). Sounds like this ex of his is very immature and will stop at nothing to get you going (or even break you guys up). You really have to ask if all of this is worth it? There are PLENTY of decent guys out there- I wouldn't settle for one that didn't like me enough to want to be in a relationship with me in the first place, and has some psycho ex.

I know it sounds really crappy but that's just my opinion and what I would likely do, especially since my daycare business is income that I need to help support my family.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!! (oh, and I wouldn't be alone with his son for a while in case this woman tries to accuse you of something that you don't want to deal with--especially since you work with other children)

Exactly what my SS and his mother have done, accused me of abusing my SS.

Not worth the drama hunny.