HELP! DCP Separating!

[Ariana]

DCM just informed me that her and her husband are seperating. I kind of knew it might be coming but now that she's told him she wants a seperation I'm a little panicked. I have no experience with this so what happens next?

Should I expect her to pull her kid anytime soon? She has 2 children and one is in full day school and comes here on breaks and PD days, the other is with me full-time. She's my childs BFF and it's going to be really sad if she leaves



Anyone BTDT that can offer advice? Thanks

[Cat Herder]

Nothing changes for you until she brings you a court order saying so.

Stay out of it as much as possible. No He said/She said. No "Don't let him/her ....".

Let them know your home is a strict NO DRAMA ZONE.

Other that that, treat it like it's a normal, everyday occurance...well, it kind of is.

Once physical custody is decided, make up a new contract with THAT parent only for payment and inform them that you cannot deny pick-up's without a court order. Simple and direct works best.

[GotKids]

What ever you do, don't take sides. You can listen but don't offer advice or share their frustration. I had this happen to a couple of the little ones I have. Thankfully because the child had been with me so long and was happy neither parent felt it was a good idea to add more change to the kids life by changing care providers.

If I would have picked sides the other parent would have felt this was a hostile place. Even though the parents can't stand each other anymore my home is still safe.

[Ariana]

Great advice!! So far I have managed to stay out of it and am pleasant to both parents. I know that DCG loves being here so I'm hoping the parents do the right thing and keep her here so it's one less change. I guess I just have to go with the flow.

The DCM has told me a LOT about what's going on. I'm smiling and nodding for the most part and just offering her my support. Definately not taking sides.

UGH I hate this. Did you guys experience any behavioral changes? I had the older DCG last week and she was much more subdued than normal but I figured it was just because she's in full day school so many more rules. Mom tells me today that she's crying in her room a lot Younger DCG (who's here full-time) is also more subdued today....I hate this. I could cry for them right now.

[Cat Herder]

I have noticed regression from my toddlers and pre-school aged kids after this. Potty accidents, tantrums, etc. Nothing unexpected and nothing that lasted very long UNLESS I played into it too much.

An extra hug or two a day, some new soft teddy bear friends to visit with and my staying as consistent as possible works wonders. They need some stability, consistency and understanding to feel safe. The kids were the easy part of this. They take their direction from how we act. (my oldest DCK is 3)

Parents tended to regress at MUCH higher rates than the kids. They needed my constant validation, started carrying big kids/baby talk again, pushing rules (like no candy from the car to my house at AM drop-off ) making constant requests, nosing into the other parents business, etc. Unpleasant, but manageable.


School Agers were much harder for me, personally. They were sad, first, then angry/manipulative/destructive. I expected it, but it was difficult at times to manage. I was much, much younger, without the experience of my own kids, when I kept SA's so probably fed into it too much. It may go better for you.

[Ariana]

Thanks so much everyone!!

[grandmom]

Don't agree to provide anything in writing to the courts about parent A or B. Don't share your opinions with either of them, or with the courts.
Don't believe much of anything the other tells you. (I had a dad once tell me that the mom decided to be lesbian, in hopes that would make the court see the situation differently. He was just plain lying.)

[Lucy]

Here's what I answered in another thread:

"I had a young couple who were separating, and the mom told me about it one day and said that the dad is no longer allowed to pick up the child, and that I should call her if he tries to. Um, back the truck up sweetheart.... dad was only MOVING OUT. There were no papers, no lawyers, nothing legal to say he couldn't take the child. But I said nothing. Instead of commenting one way or the other, I just listened to the "news", then told her I'd have some new papers drawn up by Monday.

On Monday morning, I handed her paperwork stating something to the effect that they needed to assign a "primary parent", and that this parent would now be my client. This parent would be the one responsible for payment. This parent would be the ONLY one to whom I would go for late payments, fees, collections, etc. This parent would be the one to let me know if the child would be absent that day. This parent would be the one I would advise when I needed to take a day off. It stated that I would NOT be put in a position to go back and forth between them to collect payment or get information. It also explained that they needed to come up with a schedule of who would pick up the child and try their best to stick to it, but if the non-primary parent showed up to pick up one day when it wasn't their day, I would NOT refuse the pick up since there were no legal papers preventing that person from doing so.

I will NOT get in the middle of their drama. No how, no way."

Hope that helps. Here is the complete thread:https://www.daycare.com/forum/showth...931#post159931

[Ariana]

Thank you Joyce!! That really helps me a lot going forward in this sitation. Already right now my contract is only with mom but I will do up a new one when I know more.

The current situation as it stands is that she asked the DCD for a seperation and now they're going to see a psychiatrist together (suspected depression). No mention of moving out and now DCM tells me she's only 80% sure she's leaving. I guess I just wait until things change? Still smiling and nodding

[Lucy]

Oops... thanks Blackcat!!