Ot. Divorced Parents/Chores With Kids

[daycare]

I have a weird situation.

My ex-husband lived overseas in our home country. He still comes back to the states every 6-8 weeks and stays about 4-5 weeks here in my city to visit with our daughter. My ex and I are on very very good terms.

My ex does not have a house here and rents at a fancy hotel down the way. Because of this, he does not have my daughter for over night. She is 13, almost 14. So when he visits with her, he picks her up before school, drops her, picks her up after school and they spend some time together. He always drops her off around 7:00PM, just in time for dinner.

Well when my daughter is visiting with her dad, she never seems to have the time to do her chores, because she still has to do her homework when she gets in.

This has become a huge problem in my home. My son who is 15, complains about it (he is not his son, my son is adopted) and I also feel its not fair that when dad comes to town all of a sudden she does not have any responsibilities, she trashes the house and then leaves. I am the one who ends up taking care of her chores, which I don't really mind too much, but her attitude really really stinks during this time too. Like, "don't look at me to take care of that, my dad is here and I need to spend time with him, so I don't have time to take of anything else"

I think it would be different if she stayed with him, didnt trash the house and then just leave.... If she stayed with him, then I would not expect her to do chores for things she is not using in the home.

I tried to talk to my ex about it and he actually got mad at me...First time he has gotten mad at me in YEARS....I feel horrible right now, but I am trying to find some way to get things back on track.

any words of advice?? Am I being unfair?

[familyschoolcare]

Talk to your ex again this time make it about her not doing her homework untill after dinner. That is not OK she should be doing with him afterschool, before doing anything fun.

[daycare]

I did tell him that... I said that we need to teach her about priorities and what is the most important thing that she needs to do. Learn to put school first, but he won't listen....He said that I am being unfair and that he never gets to see her so he wants to spend time doing things with her. like shopping movies, riding dirt bikes and etc....

I hate it... I do all of the work and he gets to do all of the play...But at least he is in her life so I **** it up....

[safechner]

I am sorry I have to say your ex husband is right. He only see her once a while since he comes home every 6-8 weeks and stay there for 4-5 weeks. I think he is trying to get involved her life as much as he can. He must be a good father.

I think what you can do is giving your daughter to do all of her chores the day before her dad pick her up from school or whatever which is fair when he is in town.

[Heidi]

I know how hard dealing with an ex over kids is. I have a similar situation x4. My ex lives 3 hours away.

Your daughter is 14 (so is mine). You should be able to sit down with her and work out something equitable.

First of all, you know she loves her dad, and even though you are not together anymore, you want her to have a good relationship with him.

Empathize with her. Juggling your family, her dad, and school, and chores IS challenging. What does SHE think is reasonable? Get her input. Perhaps she can do more chores on weekends, less during the week? And your son can have the weekends off?

See if she can come up with some ideas, and then talk to both of them like the young adults they are. You COUNT on them to help out, but you want to make it as fair as possible. Obviously, life isnt always fair, but as a family, you are sure you can come up with something that works for everyone....happyfacehappyfacehappyface

[christinaskids]

My stepkids straighten up any mess they make before they leave to go with their mom. They know that they wont have much consequence if they are already gone. I would not make her do her regular chores while she is with him but if she is with your ex for 4-5 weeks, then he should help her with her homework, its a very bonding experience. He should be helping assure her academics are kept up as much as you do. Its not easy to be the strict parent vs the fun parent and he really should work with you as a team.

[familyschoolcare]

I am sorry I have to say your ex husband is right. He only see her once a while since he comes home every 6-8 weeks and stay there for 4-5 weeks. I think he is trying to get involved her life as much as he can. He must be a good father.

I think what you can do is giving your daughter to do all of her chores the day before her dad pick her up from school or whatever which is fair when he is in town.

Part of being a good father is making sure she does her home work.



Daycare, it might help if you remind your ex that in the united states of america and education up to and including highschool is considered a right

not a privillge nad by intrefeering. IE not allowing her the time to do her homework, he is under the eyes of the law and CPS neglecting one of her

baisic needs. The courts will back you in this if it came to that.

[daycare]

I am sorry I have to say your ex husband is right. He only see her once a while since he comes home every 6-8 weeks and stay there for 4-5 weeks. I think he is trying to get involved her life as much as he can. He must be a good father.

I think what you can do is giving your daughter to do all of her chores the day before her dad pick her up from school or whatever which is fair when he is in town.

Well, I agree with the fact that he should spend time with her and do things, thats what weekends are for he is a good dad, but he has his priorities messed up too....like last weekend he went to san deigo with some friends, so she didnt see him... the weekend before that he went up to the state of washington to purchase a race bike, so she was not with him then either....

He needs to parent her as well and teach her that no matter what school always comes first. Why can't he help her with her home work? When he does not enforce this, it basically telling my daughter that school work is not a priority and that I am wrong for trying to enforce such a rule.... Then I have to jump through hoops to try to help her get her homework done and still get into bed on time.

Also, why do I have to get pooped on because he decided to leave the county? He decided first to have a child and this is why I stay here, well plus now I have my own new family.

[daycare]

Well, I agree with the fact that he should spend time with her and do things, thats what weekends are for he is a good dad, but he has his priorities messed up too....like last weekend he went to san deigo with some friends, so she didnt see him... the weekend before that he went up to the state of washington to purchase a race bike, so she was not with him then either....

He needs to parent her as well and teach her that no matter what school always comes first. Why can't he help her with her home work? When he does not enforce this, it basically telling my daughter that school work is not a priority and that I am wrong for trying to enforce such a rule.... Then I have to jump through hoops to try to help her get her homework done and still get into bed on time.

Also, why do I have to get pooped on because he decided to leave the county? He decided first to have a child and this is why I stay here, well plus now I have my own new family.

ugggh sorry I am venting....

[safechner]

Part of being a good father is making sure she does her home work.



Daycare, it might help if you remind your ex that in the united states of america and education up to and including highschool is considered a right

not a privillge nad by intrefeering. IE not allowing her the time to do her homework, he is under the eyes of the law and CPS neglecting one of her

baisic needs. The courts will back you in this if it came to that.

Well, she is still doing her homework when she goes home at dinner time. She is almost 14 years old and it is her responsibly to get her homework done anytime before her bedtime. Her father brought her home on time which is good.

[daycare]

I know how hard dealing with an ex over kids is. I have a similar situation x4. My ex lives 3 hours away.

Your daughter is 14 (so is mine). You should be able to sit down with her and work out something equitable.

First of all, you know she loves her dad, and even though you are not together anymore, you want her to have a good relationship with him.

Empathize with her. Juggling your family, her dad, and school, and chores IS challenging. What does SHE think is reasonable? Get her input. Perhaps she can do more chores on weekends, less during the week? And your son can have the weekends off?

See if she can come up with some ideas, and then talk to both of them like the young adults they are. You COUNT on them to help out, but you want to make it as fair as possible. Obviously, life isnt always fair, but as a family, you are sure you can come up with something that works for everyone....happyfacehappyfacehappyface

I think that this would be a good idea and will talk to both of them.

I love my ex-huband to death..honest. He is a sweet, caring great person. I would do anything for him and vice verse. I want nothing more than for him to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. BUT not when it puts her education into jeopardy and creates an uproar in my whole house.. I have to have him also help me to find a balance...

[Heidi]

I think that this would be a good idea and will talk to both of them.

I love my ex-huband to death..honest. He is a sweet, caring great person. I would do anything for him and vice verse. I want nothing more than for him to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. BUT not when it puts her education into jeopardy and creates an uproar in my whole house.. I have to have him also help me to find a balance...

I meant talk to both your kids, ..your son deserves the same respect as your daughter.

So, I guess it's talk to your daughter, then talk to your son & daughter together, then talk to your daughter and your ex together...that's a lot of talking!

[safechner]

Well, I agree with the fact that he should spend time with her and do things, thats what weekends are for he is a good dad, but he has his priorities messed up too....like last weekend he went to san deigo with some friends, so she didnt see him... the weekend before that he went up to the state of washington to purchase a race bike, so she was not with him then either....

He needs to parent her as well and teach her that no matter what school always comes first. Why can't he help her with her home work? When he does not enforce this, it basically telling my daughter that school work is not a priority and that I am wrong for trying to enforce such a rule.... Then I have to jump through hoops to try to help her get her homework done and still get into bed on time.

Also, why do I have to get pooped on because he decided to leave the county? He decided first to have a child and this is why I stay here, well plus now I have my own new family.

I can understand your frustration. I don't know what to say about him to make sure she is doing her homework but I think it is her responsibly. When I was 13 years old and my mother told me that I have to take responsibly to do with my homework that she is not babying me anymore. I have to make sure to get my homework done every nights to keep my grades up. It works very well.

Your daughter is very lucky to have her father involved in her life. I wish my father is involved in my life but he only want my mother, not for me. Last time I saw my dad when I was 6 years old when we moved to Georgia from California. I was trying to find my real dad or his family but I couldn't find him at all but I am so glad my mother is doing right thing to do to get broke up with him because all of his family are allergies to work. I do remembered him a lot and I hate him so much (sorry it is true). My step dad is involved in my life but I never like him. We do fight a lot and he is afraid of me after I beat him up when I was 16 years old. I also very taller than him. I know it sounds sad but it doesn't bother me at all.

[sharlan]

From other posts regarding your daughter, it appears to me that she is starting to have an "entitled" attitude. Her wants and desires (outside activities) come first. It's time to give her an attitude adjustment.

IMHO, you need to sit down and have a meeting with your dh, yourself, your ex, AND her. You need to set some definite boundaries as her time spent with her father is having a negative impact on your home and family. You have to put a stop to that. I'm not saying that she should stop visiting with her father, but she needs to have respect for her home and family, too.

If she creates a mess, she doesn't leave with her father UNTIL her mess is cleaned up. If she doesn't do her chores, her father can sit and wait for her. She sees her father every 6 weeks or so, we're not talking once a year.

You've grown a back bone with your daycare, now develop one with your family.

[daycare]

From other posts regarding your daughter, it appears to me that she is starting to have an "entitled" attitude. Her wants and desires (outside activities) come first. It's time to give her an attitude adjustment.

IMHO, you need to sit down and have a meeting with your dh, yourself, your ex, AND her. You need to set some definite boundaries as her time spent with her father is having a negative impact on your home and family. You have to put a stop to that. I'm not saying that she should stop visiting with her father, but she needs to have respect for her home and family, too.

If she creates a mess, she doesn't leave with her father UNTIL her mess is cleaned up. If she doesn't do her chores, her father can sit and wait for her. She sees her father every 6 weeks or so, we're not talking once a year.

You've grown a back bone with your daycare, now develop one with your family.

you rock....girl this is exactly how my daughter is behaving......ENTITLED AND THEN SOME.... I won't even get started on that ....

I do think we all need to do a sit down and talk it out, thats what parents do right...divorced or not..