The Last Straw

[small_steps]

I've written about my almost 3 year old dcb a few times. Today was the last straw. If he isn't throwing my toys when he's mad, he's hitting someone. And when he isn't mad he's crying for no apparant reason. He doesn't play well with most of the kids. And he always wants a toy only after he sees someone else playing with it, and then precedes to take it from them.
Today, a grandparent (one of my neighbors) drops off another one of my dck's and he acts so bad while she is here. He starts throwing toys, screaming at me after I put him in time out for throwing the toys. I can tell she is shocked by how horrible his behavior is. It was the last straw for me. I can't risk losing other kids because of how he acts. I feel awful because I truly think the world of his mom, but he's gotta go. She has an idea it could be coming. I tell her each day whether he's had a good day or a bad one and unfortunately most days it's bad. I've only had to term 2 children and it's so difficult for me to do this. Hopefully my backbone will stay strong for this. I don't think she will get ugly about it, I just think it will hurt her feelings but he makes every single day bad for me and the other children. They can't enjoy circle time, play time or even meal time without him interfering somehow (bad behavior, taking toys from them, screaming at us, etc.) Why I've put up with it so long I don't know.

Anyone have any words of advice for me? I have termed 2 before but it was when I first started and it was much easier because I hadn't gotten close to the parent. I've had this boy for almost two years and his mom and I aren't really friends but we are very friendly at drop off and pick up and she's one of my nicest parents here.

[cheerfuldom]

Just let her know that he is no longer the right fit for your group. You appreciate having the opportunity to work with them and having their trust for 2 years but at this point, he is needing something more than what you can provide. You are giving them the opportunity to find a place that works better for him and where he is happy.

Are you giving a two weeks notice?

[Zoe]

Just be honest with her. If the mom is as nice as you say she is, she will understand. Yes, her feelings may be hurt, but you have to do what's best for the group. If you guys are that unhappy, it's not a good environment for anyone and you will most likely lose clients.

[small_steps]

Just let her know that he is no longer the right fit for your group. You appreciate having the opportunity to work with them and having their trust for 2 years but at this point, he is needing something more than what you can provide. You are giving them the opportunity to find a place that works better for him and where he is happy.

Are you giving a two weeks notice?

Yes..I plan to give a two week notice but to be honest I'm hoping she will find someone before then ...also will be telling her that if he has another day like today she will have to come and pick him up. He has physically and mentally exhausted me today. I'm going to tell her that if she finds another daycare before the two weeks are up that it will be ok with me if she moves him early. He is a state pay child and she may ahvea hard time finding someone to keep him in our area unless she goes to a center.

[sharlan]

Not all daycare homes and kids mesh together well. Just let her know that your home is no longer the right situation for her child. He's not happy in your home and needs to be placed where he will be happier.

You will be doing both mother and child a service by terming. The child obviously isn't happy for whatever reason. (Nothing against you, you two just don't fit well.) The mother is probably dreading picking up everyday because most of the time she hears the negative.

[small_steps]

Not all daycare homes and kids mesh together well. Just let her know that your home is no longer the right situation for her child. He's not happy in your home and needs to be placed where he will be happier.

You will be doing both mother and child a service by terming. The child obviously isn't happy for whatever reason. (Nothing against you, you two just don't fit well.) The mother is probably dreading picking up everyday because most of the time she hears the negative.

I do realize that...it's just hard when you've had a child so long and then have to say you don't fit well together. I just keep thinking where did I go wrong with him? He was a normal, happy child here up until about 3 months ago. I know there's a lot going on at home and really I'm pretty sure it has more to do with that than me but I stll can't help but feel like I failed.
It's gotten so bad today that I'm very tempted to call her and tell her to come pick him up right now. I'm hoping after nap time he will be acting much better.

[sharlan]

I understand.

His behavior may be totally related to what's going on at home. He may not be happy anywhere else, either. But it may be a wake-up call to Mom that she needs to make some changes.

I don't think anyone ever wants to admit that they aren't the perfect situation for every child.

We have a job that is tied to a lot of emotions.

[small_steps]

He seems to have a lot of anger and I'm wondering if I should suggest ECI (early childhood intervention) or if I should just hope the next provider suggests it if his behavior continues. I really don't know if ECI deals with anger issues, or if there is something else that I'm missing. A few times in the last few weeks I've caught him doing this thing with his fingers when he was angry (like bending them in and out)...I've seen a couple of autistic children do this as well when they were frustrated so I'm not sure if there's else going on or if he was just a new thing he was trying.

[safechner]

He seems to have a lot of anger and I'm wondering if I should suggest ECI (early childhood intervention) or if I should just hope the next provider suggests it if his behavior continues. I really don't know if ECI deals with anger issues, or if there is something else that I'm missing. A few times in the last few weeks I've caught him doing this thing with his fingers when he was angry (like bending them in and out)...I've seen a couple of autistic children do this as well when they were frustrated so I'm not sure if there's else going on or if he was just a new thing he was trying.

No, you didn't do anything wrong. Have you noticed something changed him? If so, he will need get an evaluation from school or ECI for free (school dont always right) or take him to special doctor. My daughter had been with ECI since she was 6 months old when I found out she is profoundly deaf at 5 months old. She was happy and normal kid and she had been so well with other kids (stay at home mom groups). I noticed something wrong with her when she was 3 years old like she was not talking to me anymore, not getting along with other kids, play alone with toys only, fall back to diaper from fully potty trained, etc.. She had an evaluation through school but they said she have autism but I dont believe them. I took her to a special doctor and I found out she has PDDNOS ( very mild autism). I know you don't want to say anything to his mother but I would ask her if she noticed something different about her son. I am not sure if it is right thing to say to her or not.

[small_steps]

Well I typed up my termination letter. I used something that pfund2233 (I think I got that right) typed on another thread. Thank you for sharing about the lock and key...I typed it up and now I'm ready to hand it over. SHe should be picking up soon.
Just got off the phone earlier with a local provider friend and was telling her how bad I feel about this and she said "I know you feel bad now, but I promise you will feel better after you tell her". I know she is right so I will be glad when it's over. But then there's the uncomfortable 2 week notice to get through. Hopefully it won't be too uncomfortable and to be honest, I'm hoping she will be able to leave sooner than that but we will see. I just can't see not giving notice even though my provider friend suggested today be his last day. I will post later and update you guys...hopefully it will go smooth...fingers crossed.

[sharlan]

I feel giving zero notice is wrong, unless there is a really substantial reason for it.

You will probably feel better, but still wonder forever if you could have done something to change his behavior. I know that's how I always feel.

[Heidi]

He seems to have a lot of anger and I'm wondering if I should suggest ECI (early childhood intervention) or if I should just hope the next provider suggests it if his behavior continues. I really don't know if ECI deals with anger issues, or if there is something else that I'm missing. A few times in the last few weeks I've caught him doing this thing with his fingers when he was angry (like bending them in and out)...I've seen a couple of autistic children do this as well when they were frustrated so I'm not sure if there's else going on or if he was just a new thing he was trying.

I had a very similar situation years ago. I did suggest ECI, and my dcb did end up going there. They came and observed him at my program.

Mom and I kept in touch (still do now), and ECI was a horrible fit for him, actually the super-structured program made his behavior 10x worse, and he regressed with potty training (he had decided to potty on his own at 22 months).

Long story short-he is now 14, and has been in a talented and gifted program throughout school. I am SO glad they figured out what he needed early in grade school!

[SimpleMom]

I do realize that...it's just hard when you've had a child so long and then have to say you don't fit well together. I just keep thinking where did I go wrong with him? He was a normal, happy child here up until about 3 months ago. I know there's a lot going on at home and really I'm pretty sure it has more to do with that than me but I stll can't help but feel like I failed.
It's gotten so bad today that I'm very tempted to call her and tell her to come pick him up right now. I'm hoping after nap time he will be acting much better.

I understand what you are saying. I have one like that as well and have had them for almost two years. It's a tough situation to be in all-around. You didn't "go wrong" with him. He's just changing. Kids do that. There's just something going on in/with HIM. It may get worse before it gets better, it may not. If you feel it's no longer a good fit and the mother and you have talked before on the issues, I am sure she will understand.

[small_steps]

I gave notice to the momFriday afternoon at pick up. She was very understanding. She said she did not blame me and doesn't know what is going on with him because he is acting the same at home. I gave her two weeks and just pray that I can get through this without asking her to leave sooner. He has already begun throwing my toys and hitting other children today. It started out good but as the day wore on it began and is steadily getting worse

[CheekyChick]

I would just tell her that you have terminate child care services because you aren't able to meet her sons needs. No more needs to be said. She'll see at his next daycare that he may need early intervention if they term him early on.