Did I Do the Right Thing?

[Mandy_Jane]

So today (if mom ever shows up) will be dcg's second week in care. She is 8 months old and has turned out to be a really great baby and very easy to care for. During our interview approximately 3 weeks ago, dcm told me that dcd was not a part of the their life, he was not to have anything to do with the baby and he especially was not allowed to pick the baby up from daycare. She didn't give me a lot of details, but she did say she had an order of protection against him. So when dcg started, mom left the whole section on dad's info blank on the paperwork. She actually scribbled through it. So, Mon-Thurs go just fine (other than erratic drop off times, but that's another story). Friday morning dcm shows up with an unknown male. I assumed it was possibly a friend or brother, but when introduced, I find out it is the baby's father....... I thought she didn't even want him to know where the daycare was at!? I'm standing there wondering why on earth she is with dcd after everything she told me, but I don't want to question her in front of him. So she leaves me a new can of formula and some diapers, signs the baby in and then tells me her friend (who I met during the interview) will be picking up the baby tonight. I say no problem and she leaves with the baby's dad.

Fast forward to 4:00 pm Friday and here is dcd pulling in to my driveway in dcm's car. Immediately I'm thinking, "What is going on here?" I'm wondering if mom is testing me or if she is REALLY that crazy. So when he comes in I start to get the baby ready to go, but then he tells me he needs the can of formula mom dropped off and he will also need a bottle for the baby. I told him that dcm said the formula was to stay here, and that the baby had bottles at home, so why did he need mine? It all seemed very fishy to me. So I said, "You know I don't want to sound like a crazy lunatic, but dcm told me during our interview that you were not allowed to pick the baby up from daycare. So I really need to give her a call and make sure this is ok." So then he says, "Well I have her car." Like that means anything to me. What if he killed her and took it? (I watch too much tv!)

So, to hurry up and finish this story, I never could get dcm to answer her phone, but I did get the baby's grandma on the phone and she said, "Absolutely do NOT let him leave with that baby." She actually got on the phone with him and thankfully he ended up leaving without causing a scene. Later on I found out that dcm told her friend that the baby's GRANDMA was going to pick her up, and she told the baby's grandma that the FRIEND was going to pick up. I believe she did this so neither one of them would know she was having dcd pick up. But she left me out of the loop and did NOT tell me dcd was going to pick up. So not only was I TOTALLY stressed out from having him show up here, I was pretty angry too that she would do that to me. I was here alone with two infants and my two little girls. Thank goodness it seemed to work out ok.

I think dcm is mad at me now because her mom found out she was having dcd pick up the baby when I was making calls to see if he was allowed to take her. Her mom is really mad at her. I guess dcd just got out of jail recently and maybe dcm has decided to take him back. Either way, it's 9:00 am and she hasn't shown up yet, and I thought she had to work today. So maybe she's so mad she won't bring her. I guess I'll find out soon. Do you all think I did the right thing?

[littlemommy]

I think you did the right thing. If she initially stressed to you that he was NOT to pick her up, then good for you for not letting him. It is very strange that she's sneaking around behind everyone for him, but you were doing as you were instructed. If things had changed between them, she should have let you know.

I feel bad for the baby stuck in all of that.

[sharlan]

You absolutely did the right thing. The mom should NEVER have put you in that position.

[DaycareMomma]

I think you did the right thing. She doesn't have him listed as the father and verbally told you to NOT allow him to pick up. So now she has to deal with those ramifications. You were correct in calling the grandmother. You tried the mom's phone with no response so you went to the next person on the list.

I feel that she may be trying to pull a fast one on you and her family, keep you eyes open with this one. She may cause more problems down the road.

I'd also try to find out what he was in jail for. Depending on what it was for, he wouldn't be allowed in my home.

[BigMama]

OMG! That must have been really scary and stressful for you! I think you absolutely did the right thing by calling to make sure first. I would tell the mom (and any future clients) that you must have court documentation (custody papers or order of protection) to bar the dad from picking up the child. This way you are covered legally as well. I've had this situation where a mom has initially said that dad was not allowed to see the child and then decides to reunite with him. Requiring the paperwork makes it easy for you to be able to say, "I am sorry, but I must have a court document."

[SilverSabre25]

Yes, I think you did the right thing.

For the future, if there is someone that is not allowed to pick up a daycare child, I might make an "addendum" of sorts to the "allowed pick-up list" that is a DO NOT PICK UP list, including name, brief physical description, and brief reason. That way, you have something pretty concrete to back you up if you refuse to release the child and the cops get called, or something.

[MarinaVanessa]

I think you did the right thing also. You were following precautions and orders that the DCM herself told you to follow and then she switched it up on you.

Here's the thing however, without a court order showing that the child cannot leave with the father (custody order for example that shows visitation days) you LEGALLY can't keep the biological father from taking the childmake an issue out of it he could have called the police on you if he had wanted to. I see that it's not the case in this situation and I doubt that you'll get into any trouble as everything seemed to work out ok but you should really look out after yourself too in addition to looking out for the child.

In the future, have the parents provide legal documents showing reason as to why you have to deny the other parent contact with their child, otherwise let them know that you won't be able to stop the other parent from taking the child.

[SilverSabre25]

I think you did the right thing also. You were following precautions and orders that the DCM herself told you to follow and then she switched it up on you.

Here's the thing however, without a court order showing that the child cannot leave with the father (custody order for example that shows visitation days) you LEGALLY can't keep the biological father from taking the childmake an issue out of it he could have called the police on you if he had wanted to. I see that it's not the case in this situation and I doubt that you'll get into any trouble as everything seemed to work out ok but you should really look out after yourself too in addition to looking out for the child.

In the future, have the parents provide legal documents showing reason as to why you have to deny the other parent contact with their child, otherwise let them know that you won't be able to stop the other parent from taking the child.

legally, though, if the father is not listed on the paperwork, does that count? if you don't know his name or anything, how can you be sure that this is the child's father, biological or otherwise? This child's father's information was not available to the provider. He was not listed as an allowed pick-up person. I would say that the law would likely protect the provider in this instance.

[Unregistered]

You absolutely did the right thing. If dcm has an order for protection against dad, I almost think you need to report that because it usually means the persons minor children as well. If the baby's dad has any rights to the child, you need to have a copy of that order. I also think you might need a copy of the order for protection. Atleast in my state, that is how it works.

Unless there are some really clear rules about who is picking up and dropping off and who has a right to (legally) in this case, I would feel very uncomfortable with what is going on.

I know a neighbor provider who let a child go with a non-custodial parent (who had a restraining order against the other parent) and the provider got a correction order for not reporting the violation of the restraining order.

I would really check with your licensor and ask what you should and shouldn't be doing in this situation. Good luck, these situations are always tough to be in.... ((hugs)) for having to deal with it at all.

[Springdaze]

I dont think you would get in trouble without any legal papers saying he cant pick the baby up. the mother didnt put down that the baby even HAD a father, let alone his name! How are you supposed to know who the father is!

[Sunchimes]

I think you did the right thing. No one gets one of my babies unless I'm on the phone with mom first. I tell them all to call if they are sending someone for pick up, and they've all been very good about it.

I have a similiar situation. I know the mom told me he was never to pick her up because he had tried to snatch her from a previous care center. I also know that he is back in the baby's life, getting weekend visitation. But, there is no father info on my paperwork.

I've decided that if he shows up he won't be allowed in the house. If he shows one word of aggression or is argumentative, I'll call the police to stand by while we sort it out. It's a small town, they can be here in seconds. Let mom, dad, and the police figure it out while I keep the baby, lock the door and go on with my day.

Luckily, so far, she has left him waiting at her house or in a public place while she came here to pick up the baby for visitation.

She's a good mom, and I don't expect problems, but I firmly believe in having a Plan B, and Plan C.

[cheerfuldom]

of course you did the right thing. Now you need concrete instructions from mom regarding if dad is allowed to pick up or not. You need clarification for the situation and current emergency contact info (is grandma off the list now?)

[MarinaVanessa]

I dont think you would get in trouble without any legal papers saying he cant pick the baby up. the mother didnt put down that the baby even HAD a father, let alone his name! How are you supposed to know who the father is!

But then the mom brought him into the daycare and introduced him to her and she found out he was the biogical father. If he had wanted to press the issue and if he were smart enough he could have just walked out with the baby and he would have been within his legal rights.

She COULD have called the police and waited for them to come and the police could have asked her if he was the father. She could have kept the knowledge of her knowing that he was the father to herself I supposed and then the police would have called DCM or gone to her work and all they had to do was ask her for the father's name and then check his ID. At that point the police would have just released the child or had the mom come by and take the child and let them both resolve it themselves.

The only reason why I mention it at all is because it's happened to me, twice. DCM #1 says no father in picture, DCD not on contract, I have no info on DCD and she says that he can't pick up baby. I tell her I need paperwork (which there was but I was not given a copy). DCD finds out where baby goes to DC, he shows up, I call DCM who tells me NOT to let baby go, he calls police, police ask me for legal paperwork, I don't have it, they call DCM at work, DCM has to leave work and get paperwork then come to DC to show paperwork. DCD is told to go home and wait until his time t0 see baby. Finally after all of this DCM gives me a copy.

DCM#2 says same thing as DCM #1 only this time there is no custody order. DCD shows up and tells me he's the child's father, I call DCM, she says not to let child go, I tell DCD, DCD calls police, police come and ask for paperwork which I don't have, police call DCM and she tells them theres no order, police tell DCM to come get baby immediately otherwise baby will be released to DCD, mom shows up and police tell them to figure it out on their own and to get a legal order and then told me that I can't keep a biological parent from their children if no order exhists.

I have ROTTEN luck apparently because it's happened to me twice, now I make sure to explain clearly that I can't do anything if I don't have a legal order. And like I said, I doubt in this situation you're looking at a mess as big as mine however I wanted you to know that you do have legal restrictions. Most people don't know that this is the case and will leave matters alone however BOTH of the dads in my case got the police involved. I just didn't want you to go through what I did. DCM and dad #2 fought outside in the street for 2 hours straight before I finally got them to take ot somewhere else .

[KBCsMommy]

legally, though, if the father is not listed on the paperwork, does that count? if you don't know his name or anything, how can you be sure that this is the child's father, biological or otherwise? This child's father's information was not available to the provider. He was not listed as an allowed pick-up person. I would say that the law would likely protect the provider in this instance.

I agree with this too.

If the father was not listed and not listed for pickups on the licensing paperwork. Then legally the provider couldn't let the baby leave with him at all.Mom should have called or written a note oking it that dad picks up baby.

I dont let any children leave with anyone I dont know or havent met. Even if they are on the pickup list I still have parents write a short note oking the pickup in the morning. I also check ID's for people I dont know and doulble check the names from the ID to the paperwork parents did.

In my opinion the right thing was done by not letting the baby leave with dad.

[KBCsMommy]

MarinaVanessa ....your dcds sound like my dd's dad!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats totally something he would have done!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to go off topic!!!!