Parents Giving In To Their Kids?

[busymommy0420]

I have a great child I care for who is 4.5 and is helpful and rarely gives me issues except the occasional attitude about sharing. We have a great routine and all my daycare friends know what to expect so they all do a great job each day. Yesterday she left...so I thought. I walked past the breezeway because I thought I heard another parent and she was throwing a tantrum for her Mom. I popped out and her Mom said she still wanted to color here. I offered a coloring sheet for her to take home, she didn't want it. This went on for awhile but I had to stay in the daycare room so I am not sure what the end result was. Today I accidently switched her completed coloring sheet with another friends. Her Mom drove all the way back here to exchange it because her daughter was having a fit. She does great here, never has had a tantrum. I would not give into a child for a coloring sheet, should I offer the Mom any advice? I have been watching her about 9 months and the Mom is great, very loving. I know it is hard to hear your child cry but getting in the habit of giving into their tantrums is not a good idea is it???

[sharlan]

I wouldn't bother giving the mom any advice. The child gives the mom trouble because the mom allows it, you don't.

[nannyde]

Nothing you say is going to change the fact that the Mom doesn't want the child to cry. When a child knows the adult doesn't want them to cry they are obligated to control the adult with crying.

A child who is with someone who doesn't want them to cry is rideing on a roller coaster of perpetual unhappiness. The reason she is fine with you is because she's around someone who doesn't make decisions based on her crying. When she's around someone who makes decisions based on her crying she will cry a lot.

There's a price to pay when you are around it because in some way you will pay for the time when the parent is choosing HERSELF over you or what's reasonable for you. The parent didn't want to hear the crying so she was willing to take up your time to make sure she didn't have to hear it.

It didn't occur to her to get her child off of your property after a long day so that you could get on with your day. It didn't occur to her to tell her child that she was fine without the color sheet. She could have chosen YOU in that situation but I promise you it didn't cross her mind. Even after seeing that you saw the tantrum and seeing your face when she came back to your house after you were off of work from her....... it didn't cross her mind that she could have just said NO to the kid...... had a few minutes of protest... and then go on with her day.

There's so much value in having your child experience the "no's" in life on your clock. The Mom doesn't see that because she is choosing herself.......... HER moment to moment happiness. You can't interject into that because when you talk to the Mom about her KIDS tantrum you are really talking to the Mom about HER happiness.

[AfterSchoolMom]

I agree that if you try to give her advice, either she won't listen or she'll get offended. However, I see nothing wrong with correcting the child's behavior if she throws a fit while still in YOUR home. Maybe if Mom sees first hand how you get control of her child, she'll take note... and if she gets annoyed, you can just tell her that you make the rules while she's still at your house.

[Sprouts]

Sometimes parents dont know they need help...so if you have any really good articles to give, or "POST" in a spot for everyone to see with copies available i would do that. You are the expert ...also maybe look for an opening where mom may be asking for help. She might be embarassed because she is the mom and is "supposed to have it all together"....what is the worst that can happen?

On the other hand it is hard to change old bad habbits, with my daughter my husband always tells me i am too easy with her and maybe I am ..but it all depends on how you come out....he can be rude so most of the time i dont want to even hear what he says because of the way he "tells me" how i should do things....


If the mother comes in looking stressed and with a look on her face like i dont know what to do offer her your help, instead of telling her what to do...if she wants it she will take it, if not then fine, thats on her.....

[Ariana]

Nothing you say is going to change the fact that the Mom doesn't want the child to cry. When a child knows the adult doesn't want them to cry they are obligated to control the adult with crying.

A child who is with someone who doesn't want them to cry is rideing on a roller coaster of perpetual unhappiness. The reason she is fine with you is because she's around someone who doesn't make decisions based on her crying. When she's around someone who makes decisions based on her crying she will cry a lot.

There's a price to pay when you are around it because in some way you will pay for the time when the parent is choosing HERSELF over you or what's reasonable for you. The parent didn't want to hear the crying so she was willing to take up your time to make sure she didn't have to hear it.

It didn't occur to her to get her child off of your property after a long day so that you could get on with your day. It didn't occur to her to tell her child that she was fine without the color sheet. She could have chosen YOU in that situation but I promise you it didn't cross her mind. Even after seeing that you saw the tantrum and seeing your face when she came back to your house after you were off of work from her....... it didn't cross her mind that she could have just said NO to the kid...... had a few minutes of protest... and then go on with her day.

There's so much value in having your child experience the "no's" in life on your clock. The Mom doesn't see that because she is choosing herself.......... HER moment to moment happiness. You can't interject into that because when you talk to the Mom about her KIDS tantrum you are really talking to the Mom about HER happiness.

I soooooooo agree with all of this. I have the same issue with one of my DCM's. The children try crying with me quite a bit but it doesn't work. It has definately lessened over the past year but if the kid is overtired she'll revert back to tears to get her way. Once she cried so hard she vomitted. I felt so bad for her but thought WOW this kid has absolutely no resiliency skills so I need to teach her that the world doesn't end when you don't get your way. If the mom isn't going to teach her then I will.

I was at a friends daughters birthday once with my daughter and it was the youngest kids 3rd birthday. When it came to gift time, her older 5 year old started crying and throwing a fit because she wasn't getting any gifts. It was INSANE!!! I ended up having to take over and help the 3 yr old with her gifts because the mom was so busy comforting the 5 yr old. You had to be there to believe it

[nannyde]

I was at a friends daughters birthday once with my daughter and it was the youngest kids 3rd birthday. When it came to gift time, her older 5 year old started crying and throwing a fit because she wasn't getting any gifts. It was INSANE!!! I ended up having to take over and help the 3 yr old with her gifts because the mom was so busy comforting the 5 yr old. You had to be there to believe it

The child in this story was able to take an event that didn't have anything to do with HIM and with his crying he was successful in making it ALL about him. And with the child doing himself the MOM was able to do HERSELF. She choose herself over the birthday girl, all the guests, and the boy.

If there is ever a time to lay the law down with a kid it's when it comes down to between your own two kids. Even in THAT situation the Mom choose herself. As a provider you have to realize how low YOU are in the parents pecking order when the parent would choose themself over the kid.

It goes:

The parent
their kid
you

It LOOKS like it's about the kid but really....... it's about the Mom.

That's the key to understanding the parent who "gives in" or "makes excuses". You have to GET that it's not about the kid when the parent is not parenting. It's ALWAYS about the parent.

[daycare]

What happens on the other side of my front door is none of my business.

[Meyou]

What happens on the other side of my front door is none of my business.

I agree. Most of my kids act very different here than at home. My most helpful, kindest, biggest boy is a whiny puddle of tears with his father and smacks his mother in the face. He smacked her ONCE here and then slowly turned and looked at me in fear and said, "I'm still at your house." I just pointed to the bottom step.

If they ASK me for advice I'll happily give it but I don't offer advice to anyone who hasn't asked.

[daycare]

What happens on the other side of my front door is none of my business.

let me add....its none of my business to a point!

and just like Meyou said unless they ask for advice I dont give it.