I Need Suggestions For Choosing A SAHM As A Provider

[HeatherJ]

Hello to all!
I am new here and I was recently replying to the “How Long Should A Four Year Old Nap” thread. I endured a few comments that did not sit well with me, and I made comments that did not sit well with others. I am past that & I hope none of you hate me.

I took my son out of an in-home daycare because I did not agree with the nap policy and how it applied to my son in particular. You can read that whole story on that other thread. It ended up being a long story. I ended up putting my son in a daycare center where he can be with other children and is not required to take a nap. I AM NOT GETTING INTO THE NAP ISSUE AGAIN. Please, stop yourself from commenting on anything related to a nap.

Sorry for the WALL OF TEXT. I’m known for never-ending. Feel free to skip through and read bits and pieces, I just hope many of you get the idea of what I am saying and maybe have some suggestions for me.

Here is the history:
My son has been at this new daycare for a few days now, he seems to enjoy it, I haven’t any problems, really, but I really would rather have the in-home setting. I really like the stability of an in-home daycare. I really like the fact that my son gets the same awesome care from the same awesome caregiver every day. Someone on the last thread mentioned that I should try a SAHM as a provider. This would be great, my son is particularly used to that kind of daycare because he stayed at my mother’s home with my mother and my nephew for 2 years. She got a job and was unable to care for son during the day. My sister moved my nephew into a center. She likes it there. I wanted to keep my son in a “home setting”, but was unhappy with the in-home daycares I found at that time because I am very picky, I suppose. I hired a nanny and she worked in my home and cared for my son. This did not last long because I realized that my son is now 4 and he needs to play with other kids and build some friendships, he starts school next year. I liked the nanny, she was wonderful, I thanked her for what she did and said goodbye. I reconsidered an in-home daycare and enrolled my son. Very soon, I realized that I misunderstood her nap policy on paper. When she verbally explained it me, I was not happy. I took my son out and put him in a center where I made sure I understood how they did naps and that is where I am today. I will keep him in this center if all continues to go well. The poor guy, he has been through too many providers in such a short amount of time, I don’t want to be THAT parent. But should I just stomp this great SAHM idea? I cannot help but think it is better. The ONLY reason I am considering a SAHM situation is that might actually be a much better place for my son, especially when school starts. I love the idea of him being with only a couple of other kids, kids he goes to school with. When he is at this house, it would be so much like my mother’s house.

Another person mentioned that it would be too weird if I were to find a SAHM willing to care for my son, and ask her if I could watch how the day goes with the kids. How do I establish trust with this person? I know that nothing would go wrong while I was watching, this lady isn’t going to yell or get mean with the kids while I’m watching, but at least I would get a feel for who she is around these children. I would be able to better understand how she interacts with kids and how she handles certain situations. I need to be able to decide if this is good for my child. How can I do that if it is too weird?

Sorry for the WALL OF TEXT. I’m known for never-ending. Feel free to skip through and read bits and pieces, I just hope many of you get the idea of what I am saying and maybe have some suggestions for me.
Thanks!

[Michael]

Whoa, I think we have a "writer"! Welcome to the Daycare.com Forum! I upgraded your status.

[cheerfuldom]

I think you need to figure out what is most important to you. I don't know anything about the nap situation but I will be honest in saying that you come off extremely picky. You can't have everything. Another person's home is not going to be like your mom's home. There ARE going to be things that you don't love every place you take him. You have to figure out what is most important to you, find a place that caters to that, and let go of all the rest. You cannot micromanage every detail. Perhaps making a list of 3 to 5 things you really, really want would help you decide if it is even worth changing his provider again. If socialization if super important, leave him there. If bonding with his provider is important, a home setting is better. But a center and home setting and a SAHM situation are very very different. You can't pick the best parts of each type and expect one provider to fuse all those items into one daycare setup. I think you are looking for something that is just not possible. Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

[familyschoolcare]

HeatherJ

another daycare situation to consider is a in home that caters to school aged children such as mself. I do not offer a "stable" nap in m program and when I get calls for children that are not et in school that is what I tell parents. just this morning a parent got mad at me on the phone because I would not be able to nap er 3 year old.

[Crazy8]

do yourself and your child a favor and keep him in the daycare he is doing fine in and you are happy with right now and he's already been thru a handful of providers in his short life. How is a SAHM going to be much different than any small home daycare?? I don't get that - why is it such a "great" idea to use a SAHM? I think I'm missing some great big point in your post??? I'd think you'd want more socialization for a 4 year old - not just one playmate - personally I'd keep him where he's at if you have no major complaints with the center.

[Heidi]

I would say that if you are generally happy with the situation you now have, you should leave your son where he is. Especially if he is happy!

It does sound like you are a bit picky, but hey, it's your child. It's ok to be picky!

Your son has one year left before school. If he likes where he's at, then don't put him through another change. Trading the stability he has now and the friendships he is forming for a percieved stability somewhere else doesn't make sense to me.

Next year, you can look forward to dealing with the school system!

[Cat Herder]

When I first started I only kept older kids in preparation for starting a family. Naptime was a non-issue, because IME that is what comes with a School Aged Only Program.

I met most of my prospective clients at the local park, swimming pool and skating rink when I was taking my group out on field trips. You could try watching for childcare groups when you are out with your son for the day.

Most Elementary Schools also have a list of providers that serve their bus stop areas. Give the one your son is set to attend a call and ask for a reference "in preparation for school".

[daycare]

HONESTLY,
I have to agree with whoever said leave your child where he is now.

I did not read the other post by you about the napping issue, but have you stopped to think about all of the other damage that could occur if you keep moving him around.

I am a prime example of this. As a young child from ages 2-5 I moved a lot because of my fathers job. My parents did not really have much of a choice. I experienced a lot of separation anxiety and became almost mute at one point, as I was afraid of the unknown. Never knowing how long I would be some where. I never wanted to get close to people, because as soon as I did, it was time to leave again. The sad part is that a lot of this still affects me today, and I am almost 40 years old. My parents had me stay put for awhile once I got to elementary school, but once the damage was done, there was no turning back.

Stop moving your child just because you are not happy with one thing. You are never going to find something that 100% pleases you, unless you quit working and stay home with him yourself.

Like the other poster said, find what is most important about what you want for your child and don't sweat the small stuff.

A child getting bounced around is a million times worse than asking a child to nap.

Just my two cents....

[Lucy]

I get you. I get what you mean. I have stated on here before that I run my daycare just as if my nieces and nephews were coming over for the day. I have order, but not stringent times for things. I expect to be respected by the kids, don't get me wrong. It's not chaotic and they don't just get to go wild. But I don't have 9:00 story time, 11:00 outside time, 2:00 circle time, etc. We just do what we do. And it works. If the 2nd grade and 1st grade girls want to color at the table, they do that while the 3rd grade boy is showing the three yr old boy how to make a perfect lego tower. They do what they want - within reason, of course. My point is I want it to be just like home. When it gets too loud, I shush them, but they pretty much do their own thing. Oh... and I don't require a nap if *I* (not the child) don't think they benefit from one. I don't see the point in forcing a 4 yr old to lay down for 2 hours when they'll never fall asleep because their body can tolerate being awake during the day as long as they get enough sleep overnight. I get what you mean about wanting him in a home environment. That's how my DC is. I wonder if they kind of get lost in the crowd in a center.

To your question about wanting to observe -- that will not do you any good. Unless you can figure out a way to be invisible, doing so will prove nothing. You're right that the provider will not be her normal self, but it's the same with the kids. They get amped up with another adult in the house. They don't act anything like what they would on a normal day. I think the better thing to do - if the provider is ok with this - is to talk to parents of other kids she watches. I offer their phone numbers to prospective new clients, and it's fine with my current parents. I've only had a few actually call, but you could drill the other parent on what they think, how their kid likes it there, etc.

[SilverSabre25]

You might find an in-home provider who is willing to do what you want--no nap. I, for one, am willing to work with parents of older children (and your son, at 4, counts as "older" in this case) who are outgrowing the nap. If you're near me... you do sound like a parent I could work with! Don't be scared off from a provider who maybe does child care for a living (me! for example) and calls herself a daycare provider, JUST because of the name. I call myself a daycare provider, but I'll work with parents. It's what I do, it's what works for me.

I understand from my own experience with my DD, that some kids have different sleep needs. I'm willing to let a child not nap, provided that they are older (3, 4, etc) AND that they are able to make it through without undue crankiness, AND that the parent is all right with them watching TV for an hour to two hours with my daughter during nap time. The child must also be able to be relatively QUIET during that time. I prefer to have them napping, it's easier to have them napping, but in my state, I do not have to be in the same room with the kids during naptime, so I can make it work.

To start with, you can call the school your son will be attending, or you can check Care.com, sittercity.com, or Craigslist. You could even post what you're looking for on CL. You start calling or emailing people and the first thing you ask is whether or not they require that children nap for a full two hours if they have otherwise outgrown the nap. A lot of it is going to depend on the regulations and rules in your state. Depending on how strict they are, you might have a harder time finding someone.

[Lucy]

You might find an in-home provider who is willing to do what you want--no nap. I, for one, am willing to work with parents of older children (and your son, at 4, counts as "older" in this case) who are outgrowing the nap. If you're near me... you do sound like a parent I could work with! Don't be scared off from a provider who maybe does child care for a living (me! for example) and calls herself a daycare provider, JUST because of the name. I call myself a daycare provider, but I'll work with parents. It's what I do, it's what works for me.

I understand from my own experience with my DD, that some kids have different sleep needs. I'm willing to let a child not nap, provided that they are older (3, 4, etc) AND that they are able to make it through without undue crankiness, AND that the parent is all right with them watching TV for an hour to two hours with my daughter during nap time. The child must also be able to be relatively QUIET during that time. I prefer to have them napping, it's easier to have them napping, but in my state, I do not have to be in the same room with the kids during naptime, so I can make it work.

You are soooooo like me!!!

[HeatherJ]

I AM Keeping My Son In This Center

I will be keeping my son at this center he started at. Everything is fine there. I just want to be prepared. I want to KNOW what I am going to do if, for whatever reason, he cannot stay at this center. Because he just started there, I cannot help but worry that this is not what is best. I don't really like the idea of my son being at a center for much of his early life. He is going to need childcare until he can take care of himself at home while I am not there. This is going to be a number of years. So many employees come and go at a center. I put him there because I needed a place to take him, I looked at it, it seemed OK, I agreed with their nap policy which was my big problem in the first place.

I am too picky. I've admitted that. But I cannot help it. This is my only child, this will always be my only child, I have an extremely hard time "letting some things slide". I wish I COULD stay at home with him, maybe I should just clone myself?? JOKE.
I am keeping him at the center for now, I just want some suggestions when it comes to a SAHM provider, I saw that someone else mentioned this and it really sounded exactly like how my mother cared for my son. It sounded perfect. I see a BIG difference between a SAHM and an in-home daycare. I don't need the super-structured schedule. I do not need the "List of Rules" or the "Happy Chart" on the wall. I want a happy home-environment where my child can play with a couple other kids. It's fine if he helps fold the laundry during the day, it's fine if he watches cartoons, it's fine if there isn't 3 o'clock craft time, it's fine if the SAHM puts the 3-4 kids in her car and drives 5 mins to the park to play for a couple hours, or even makes a weekly trip to the grocery store with my child. I am not picky when it comes to that. The person who made me realize this was the one who suggested a SAHM provider for my son on the other thread. I immediately saw the difference. I have issues with what you feed my son, with the nap policy, with what kind of person you are and how you care for children. I thank Joyce, who answered my questions amazingly. You gave me a good idea.(Hopefully this center plays out to be great, and I won't have to look for another provider anytime soon. But still don't want my son here long-term)

I am keeping him in the daycare because there are no problems. But I really don't want him to stay there until the poor kid is in jr high, or whenever it is that I feel he can stay at home alone. (I am uncomfortable even thinking about that, . I don't really know what age my child would be "ready" to stay at home alone, I guess it would just be when I am OK with it)

[Lucy]

I don't need the super-structured schedule. I do not need the "List of Rules" or the "Happy Chart" on the wall. I want a happy home-environment where my child can play with a couple other kids. It's fine if he helps fold the laundry during the day, it's fine if he watches cartoons, it's fine if there isn't 3 o'clock craft time, it's fine if the SAHM puts the 3-4 kids in her car and drives 5 mins to the park to play for a couple hours, or even makes a weekly trip to the grocery store with my child. I am not picky when it comes to that.

You just described my Daycare. Please know that an in-home Daycare can be the answer too. You don't have to restrict yourself to a SAHM. I typically have long-term kids (I just aged-out a 12 yr old girl who was with me from birth, and currently have an 8 yr old who has been here from birth, his 3 yr old sister, and a 7 yr old who came at age 1) and I think of them as family. We go to the grocery store, the park, the library, my mom's place, etc. I'm not saying we're in the car all the time. We might go somewhere ONCE a week, maybe not at all. In the summer, we go to the library every Friday for their summer reading program. Best of luck with whatever you decide!!

[Unregistered]

I'm the SAHM that suggested finding a SAHM in the other thread. When I said not to bother trying to stay all day to observe, I meant it. It's not that we'd have something to hide, but more that there's probably nothing you're going to see. It would be like me coming over to your house on a Saturday and watching you....it's just weird. The people who come to me are all referred to me by someone who knows me or knows someone who knows me and they trust that other person who is giving the recommendation. THAT is what you need to find...the person you trust who can give you a few names of people THEY trust. You must have someone who knows someone. Otherwise, your best bet is going to be the school. You are going to have to put the feelers out for this if it's what you want. If you're on Facebook, post a message saying you're looking for a SAHM to watch your son and does anyone know of anyone who might do something like that? Somebody you know must know someone who is a SAHM. It shouldn't be that hard to find someone.

What is going to be hard for you is that you are so picky and a SAHM isn't going to want to deal with that. Food is such a hot debate for some people, although I bet you could pack a lunch and a SAHM wouldn't have a problem with it like a daycare would. I guess if you have specific requirements, I'd bring a list and see what she says. She may just tell you to go fly a kite or she may agree with you wholeheartedly. I can tell you that if it were me, I wouldn't want you to come and tell me what foods to serve, but I could tell you that I make homemade bread & cookies, and I serve home canned fruits that are low in sugar and taste just like they're fresh. I do not serve any HFCS items. I'm quite picky about food myself so to have someone come and be pickier than I am probably wouldn't work.

One other thought for you...if your mom took a job, and I'm assuming you didn't pay for Grandma to watch your son, have you considered just paying her what her job is paying so you can keep her? If the other little one went to a center, perhaps the two of you could split the pay.

Good luck with this. I think it's worth pursuing if you truly don't want your child in a center, however it may be good practice for when he goes to school. You're going to have FAR less control there so this might be a good way for you to learn to relax your expectations a bit.

[Nellie]

I'd suggest getting a nanny and enrolling him in a preschool program. Many preschool programs are 3 hours a day. The nanny could pick him up and drop him off. He'd get his socialization and have the stable caregiver.