Talking with dcm about child's behavior

[RachelDaycare]

I have a dcg that I have had since infancy. She will be three next week. Her parents put her in Montessori three days a week and she comes here two days a week now. I knew this would happen when they interviewed before she was born so I was prepared. They are expecting baby number two in a couple of months and child is supposed to come here.
Anyway dcg has always been what I called an entitled child. She is seriously doted on my grandparents and mother likes to play little games with her for her to comply to her wishes.
I have always found dcg to be somewhat rude but mom thinks is cute. I appreciate the different styles in parenting as long as it doesn't affect my group.
Well in my opinion since dcg started preschool and comes here part time now she simply refuses to follow any of my instructions. She is very stubborn and whiny. When my two year old dcb comes near her she whines and carries on. Well yesterday she and him got into it and he scratched her face pretty good. So when dcm picked up she asked what happened. I told her. She said tentatively is there anything I should be educating her about. I told her that dcg tends to get in two year olds space and tells him what to do and he doesn't do well with it. I told her I keep them separated to the best of my ability. So then she said dcg had hit her the day before and got time out. She asked if that was a problem here. I said no but the not listening was. She said to me well her dad is very stubborn and that is where she must get it. I said to her well it is very frustrating when she refuses to pick up. I told her she had to go to bed half an hour before the others the other day cause she wouldn't pick up or listen. So I am sure today I will get a phone call to discuss this. These conversations never go well, never More often than not things come out of my mouth that I don't want to. I feel I get pushed in a corner and have to defend myself
I need help before the phone rings. Please?!
thanks you
Rachel

[nannyde]

She said to me well her dad is very stubborn and that is where she must get it.

I was tapping my foot while reading your post in anticipation of the money shot and there it is.

She is saying to you that this child comes by her behavior genetic and there's nothing you can do about it. All of her disobedience is her "stubborness" and she INHERITED that so you must be besmirched by it, respect it, and allow for it.

So when you talk to her it's time to UNDO that very very silly catch all that sounds really nice and "my child".

Talk to her very concretely with simple sentences:

"When I tell Jane what to do she REFUSES to do what I tell her to do"

"She must mind me."

"She must do what I tell her to do"

"She doesn't have a choice of whether or not to mind me."

"It's not SAFE for her to not mind me"

"She is disrespectful to the other children"

"She is very rude to the other children and me. I see her be rude with you but when she does it with you I think you believe it's endearing and cute."

"She does not consider others when she is playing"

"She's a very young child with normal intelligence so I am certain she fully understands me when I tell her what she must do" (She's going to protest at the "normal" part of this and tell you she's being told she is advanced or gifted... so when she does say "well if that is true then she DEFINITELY understands me when I tell her what to do".

"I am not able or willing to spend our precious time playing with her to get her to comply. She must comply to my words not games to entice her to do it."

"I am not talking to you to find ways to tell her "no" differently. I use the word "no" with all the kids and they respond to it without other words. She must take my "no's". You do "no" differently at your house but here it is just a simple "no" and the kids must obey. I'm their leader and the one who is responsible for them. My style is a quick "no" without other words and the kids take that no and do as I tell them to.

Do NOT use the word stubborn with her Mom. To her ears that sounds like "gifted". Use the words "she will not mind me".... "she refuses to do what I'm telling her to do"... "she refuses to follow our rules"...

"she refuses to clean toys" She's refusing not being stubborn.

Stubborn is when a kid her age is working on a 100 piece puzzle and won't quit till they get the very last piece in. Stubborn is focus on that puzzle with every ounce of her energy.

Refusal is not doing what you are telling her to do.

Stubborn is a "go to" nice politically correct word that means refusing to mind but parents believe it is an excuse and another brick in the wall of their perception of advanced or giftedness. So stay away from stubborn. It doesn't mean to them what it means to you.

Kind of like the word "support" around here.

[laundrymom]

Great post Nannyde.

[Cat Herder]

"I am not talking to you to find ways to tell her "no" differently. I use the word "no" with all the kids and they respond to it without other words. She must take my "no's". You do "no" differently at your house but here it is just a simple "no" and the kids must obey. I'm their leader and the one who is responsible for them. My style is a quick "no" without other words and the kids take that no and do as I tell them to.

Perfectly put!!!

That is a hard topic to put to words.....

I may be stealing that to put in my Policy FAQ'S soon.

Oh, (small hijack, OP will resume shortly ) and I looked up the word "Support" in my DD new school dictionary by Houghton Mifflin because I thought I had been misinformed lately, myself.. "To furnish corroborating evidence for." Ugh...... Really??? I remember when it meant something else.

I did laugh to read the Urban Dictionary's version. "Serves as a device for the protection of the genitals". ::::

[nannyde]

I did laugh to read the Urban Dictionary's version. "Serves as a device for the protection of the genitals". ::::

Or our new name "Schweddy Ball cover" DS just started TaKwonDo ::

[RachelDaycare]

Thanks guys,
I am feeling really frustrated about the whole thing. Whether she calls me or not we will see. It is her pattern to call when she has concerns. Part of me just wants to be done with the whole thing, but I know that for me I tend to automatically go for the fight or flight thing and flight is my pattern Just for today I will let it go, have confidence that after twenty years I know what I am doing and not to let this mom intimidate me
Rachel

[nannyde]

Thanks guys,
I am feeling really frustrated about the whole thing. Whether she calls me or not we will see. It is her pattern to call when she has concerns. Part of me just wants to be done with the whole thing, but I know that for me I tend to automatically go for the fight or flight thing and flight is my pattern Just for today I will let it go, have confidence that after twenty years I know what I am doing and not to let this mom intimidate me
Rachel

Yes sistah

fight or flight

They want you to flight.

Most providers do flight because that's the fight they need to protect their income.

There IS a middle ground. There ARE parents who need plain and simple explanations so they can BEGIN to see that the way they are thinking it...managing it.... doing it... isn't working.

[Country Kids]

This is also a reason they either come to me for preschool/daycare or leave and go somewhere else completely. I have had only 1 or 2 go 1/2 days here and 1/2 days somewhere else and it always turned into a fight. Those where in my early days. There are to many rules/caregivers/etc. and the children start not wanting to listen and it just becomes a huge headache.

[2ndFamilyDC]

Great thread...........gave me some ideas for dealing with a 3 YO boy. And what to say when I have a conference with his parents next week.

[Heidi]

[
"I am not talking to you to find ways to tell her "no" differently. I use the word "no" with all the kids and they respond to it without other words. She must take my "no's". You do "no" differently at your house but here it is just a simple "no" and the kids must obey. I'm their leader and the one who is responsible for them. My style is a quick "no" without other words and the kids take that no and do as I tell them to.

Nanny!

You use the word NO with children? gasp!

[cheerfuldom]

ughh....hang in there OP. some parents "go to" solution is not dealing with the problem but renaming it to sound special and cute and thus, not a problem. I will never forget the little one I had that was so so SOOOO physical (closed fist punching at less than 1 year old!) and his parents called it "aggressive snuggling" and did not see the issue at all when I had to term him. Stubborn is now the new cute catch all for not requiring a child to behave. Even if that is part of their nature, should society always accommodate it? Supposedly people are born with addiction tendencies.....should society just give up and legalize all drugs and not require any boundaries because addiction may be a part of a person's makeup? We all have obstacles to overcome. This little one needs to know how to control her "stubbornness" and be able to be a part of a group regardless of her personality.