Drama, Drama, Drama

[Bookworm]

I'm just interested in knowing how you guys deal with Baby Momma/Daddy drama. I'm talking about the drama that happens when the Child Support is late and Mom/Dad is no longer allowed to pick-up from school. Or when Mom and Dad are having marital problems for the 5th time this year (gross exaggeration) and both parents want you to call them every time the other parent brings in the kid(s) in so you can give them the blow by blow on everything the other parent said or did when dropping off.

Now in my state, the law is that unless we have legal court documents stating that Parent X is not allowed contact with the child, legally our hands are tied. Now we won't just hand over a child just willy-nilly, but these parents have a hard time understanding our position. I guess I just want to know if anybody else is dealing with or has had to deal with these situations.

[sharlan]

I've been pretty lucky, I've only had that once. My contract was with Mom, but Dad was supposed to pay every other Fri. I finally told Mom, my contract is with you. You work it out with Dad. They left a week later.

[Heidi]

I haven't had a direct situation, alhtough in the past, there were warning issued "by the way, Dad (who I never met) is not allowed to pick up dck". First of all, if there is no info on dad on my enrollment forms, then I don't know who dad is. Conveniently, if dad doesn't know where the dc is, he cant be a problem. If I had a dad (or mom) I'd never met show up and demand a child, I would say "sure wait right here", and leave him at the door. I would then call mom, and tell her (or dad) to get her (or his) butt over here NOW! Legally, I have to hand a child over unless I have a court order, but ethically, I am not easily handing a child over to a complete stranger.

Ok, as for the drama, I would be very straight forward.."I know that you are going through a rough patch, and I totally feel for you, but please, please don't put me in the middle of it. I am sure you want (dck) to have a place to get away from it, anyway. You are such a wonderful parent, I don't how you are handling all this so well for dck"....hint hint!

[thatdivalady]

If it's a back and forth thing, I would encourage them to find some other medium to solve their issues. If dad is down as someone who is allowed to pick up the child, then he has that right unless there is a court order or protection from abuse order that says otherwise.

I would try hard not to get in the middle of it though. Those things are nasty. Have had similar smaller situations occur and had to tell the parent that they needed to solve their problems. They cannot expect you to continue to write -- dad can pick child up, oh no, dad cannot. Good Luck!

[Cat Herder]

I guess I just want to know if anybody else is dealing with or has had to deal with these situations.

I just say NO.

I do child care, not adult care. I will not tolerate toxic behavior in my home.

I remind them that I am a mandated reporter. (funny how quickly that gets them back on the same "team")

The "Divorcing Parents" class is required here when they file by the court system. They go over this stuff pretty thoroughly there.

I tell them all of this in the interview. They KNOW it is something I feel strongly about from the get-go.

[Bookworm]

The worst incident that has ever happened was when mom and dad got into fist fight over who was taking child home. They were arrested and then the child was kicked out. That was the worst part because the child was wonderful. It drives me crazy when parents use the child as a weapon. We've even had a set of parents who hated each other more than they loved their child. Needless to say that situation did end well. (nothing criminal) It's good to know that someone has shared this experience and feel bad for the kids like I do. Thanks for listening/reading.

[Lucy]

I had a young couple who were separating, and the mom told me about it one day and said that the dad is no longer allowed to pick up the child, and that I should call her if he tries to. Um, back the truck up sweetheart.... dad was only MOVING OUT. There were no papers, no lawyers, nothing legal to say he couldn't take the child. But I said nothing. Instead of commenting one way or the other, I just listened to the "news", then told her I'd have some new papers drawn up by Monday.

On Monday morning, I handed her paperwork stating something to the effect that they needed to assign a "primary parent", and that this parent would now be my client. This parent would be the one responsible for payment. This parent would be the ONLY one to whom I would go for late payments, fees, collections, etc. This parent would be the one to let me know if the child would be absent that day. This parent would be the one I would advise when I needed to take a day off. It stated that I would NOT be put in a position to go back and forth between them to collect payment or get information. It also explained that they needed to come up with a schedule of who would pick up the child and try their best to stick to it, but if the non-primary parent showed up to pick up one day when it wasn't their day, I would NOT refuse the pick up since there were no legal papers preventing that person from doing so.

I will NOT get in the middle of their drama. No how, no way.

[cheerfuldom]

I have never had this issue, thank goodness! I like the idea of a "primary" parent though. Its hard enough to deal with parents when they are getting along with each other, I don't even want to think about dealing with parents in the midst of a divorce. Honestly if it became a problem for me, I would just term. I have enough of my own drama and no time for anyone else's.

[MARSTELAC]

I had a young couple who were separating, and the mom told me about it one day and said that the dad is no longer allowed to pick up the child, and that I should call her if he tries to. Um, back the truck up sweetheart.... dad was only MOVING OUT. There were no papers, no lawyers, nothing legal to say he couldn't take the child. But I said nothing. Instead of commenting one way or the other, I just listened to the "news", then told her I'd have some new papers drawn up by Monday.

On Monday morning, I handed her paperwork stating something to the effect that they needed to assign a "primary parent", and that this parent would now be my client. This parent would be the one responsible for payment. This parent would be the ONLY one to whom I would go for late payments, fees, collections, etc. This parent would be the one to let me know if the child would be absent that day. This parent would be the one I would advise when I needed to take a day off. It stated that I would NOT be put in a position to go back and forth between them to collect payment or get information. It also explained that they needed to come up with a schedule of who would pick up the child and try their best to stick to it, but if the non-primary parent showed up to pick up one day when it wasn't their day, I would NOT refuse the pick up since there were no legal papers preventing that person from doing so.

I will NOT get in the middle of their drama. No how, no way.

Joyce! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! Well, your ideas. I have been struggling with this and you have just simplified my life!!!! I am in the middle of nastiness here no matter what I use from this board and I think this is the answer! Will jump back on here on Tuesday or Wednesday after new contracts go home and let you know how it goes. I have had this divorced set of parents each sign their own and one gets billed one week, the other the next, yet I it seems I am on the phone with these people or texting or e-mailing daily, and not just once a day but constantly. This is going to be a lifesaver for me! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

[MARSTELAC]

Joyce (or anyone) one more question....so I currently have both of those parents having their own contract with me but I think the issue is going to become one of pick-up. They both have different people allowed to pick-up....will that just become main parents' problem?

[Blackcat31]

Joyce (or anyone) one more question....so I currently have both of those parents having their own contract with me but I think the issue is going to become one of pick-up. They both have different people allowed to pick-up....will that just become main parents' problem?

Yes. In our state whoever is the custodial parent that day has the right to send whom ever they wish to retrieve their child. The other parent has no say in it. If the other parent doesn't like the pick up person they can go to court and have the custody order ammended. One parent does not have the right to dictate what the other parent does provided they are no endangering the child.

If you need any help with the laws in our state regarding any of this, PM me. I have BTDT with divorcing, separating and never married parents.

[MARSTELAC]

I'm gonna pm you this afternoon :-) Thanks!!!!

[Lucy]

Joyce (or anyone) one more question....so I currently have both of those parents having their own contract with me but I think the issue is going to become one of pick-up. They both have different people allowed to pick-up....will that just become main parents' problem?

Sorry... I'm on the west coast, and I just now saw your posting. But Blackcat said it all. With my situation, they were not divorced yet when I set this up, so they both had equal right to pick up the child. They ended up getting back together and had one more child. They stopped bringing their kids here when the little one was a year. So for me it never got to a divorce situation.

What prompted this though, was the fact that I had dealt with a divorced couple before. Mom was the one who interviewed, signed contract, etc. I never met dad, but her payments came from dad. Everything was fine until they left my DC owing less than $100. She got b*tchy with me and said Dad was the one paying - get it from him. I tried the nice way for awhile to get it out of her, then like a dummy, I started trying to get it from him. This was about 15 yrs ago when I was still new at this. I never heard one word from him, so I gave up. I vowed NEVER to be put in that situation again. That's why I came up with that new contract for the other couple I mentioned. If they were separating, I figured it would turn into a divorce and I wanted to cover my you-know-what!!

Best of luck to you. Hope you were able to use my wording for a new contract for these people. One thing I have learned over the years is to NEVER be involved in their drama. If they start telling you stories, find something else to distract your attention and basically get out of the conversation. Never give advice or opinions. Don't even have facial expressions that would tell them what you think! It's not worth getting involved!!!