Off Topic, Kind Of A Vent

[SilverSabre25]

I gave details of things that I needed the help with and he agreed to them. However, I have never reminded him and he has never stepped up...

"Sweetie, you said that you would do this and I see that you haven't yet. I really need for this to get done."

[daycare]

thanks everyone for the advice... For some of you it sounds like such a simple fix. But when you are a very passive person, this seems like a war or a very difficult thing to have to enforce.

There is a lot more to this saga, but not that I want to get into further detail about it. I think that if I can just get a little more help from my family, I can get to feeling a little better with my health.

I know it will take change in order for me to be a happier person...

[Cat Herder]

You know my DH has the same schedule as yours and same field.

DH is here 3-4 days a week doing half the load. He cooks, does laundry, keeps the daycare for apts, does grocery shopping, mows grass, the works. There are no his/her jobs in our home. Neither of us has taken the other to raise.

I think you have been letting him slide a bit too much, hun. Time for a family meeting and relationship expectations update, IMHO.

[daycare]

Than tell him to cough up the funds to pay for help if he isn't going to help himself!

ahhahahhh that is a whole different story..... I won't even go into detail about that one.....

there is no money for paying someone to help me...

[SilverSabre25]

Your kids are doing a lot and it will certainly help them with college, etc. I like the idea of making a list of things that absolutely have to get done and making them do at least one a day. Or, the community chores thing that someone else suggested.

Adopt the Flylady idea of "You can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes" and require a 15 minute clean up immediately after dinner. Set a timer, have a list, and whatever gets done is good enough.

You could make it into a race. "If we can get this list of stuff done in 15 minutes, we'll all have ice cream!"

Give your husband a choice--you can be in charge of taking care of the outside of the house or we hire a landscaping company to do it.

You could always tell your husband, no sex until you start holding up your end of the bargain. That always works for mine

[Ariana]

Oh and I should add that for the most part (don't mean to offend the guys on here) men can be clueless about things that need to get done around the house. It sounds to me like you just don't demand enough of him. You don't really have to be a ninja but you definately should ASK for help and remind him how not helping makes you feel. Tell him you feel like his mom....something tells me he won't like that

I would also think loooong and hard about getting a cleaner/maid. He might be motivated by money enough to start helping once you hire someone. As you know though you need to follow through on whatever ultimatum you give or it's pointless and he'll continue to take advantage of you.

[mismatchedsocks]

I have a list, a HUGE list. Of things that need to be done. It has things on it like dusting, mowing lawn, then things I add in once in a while. This is a list in a notebook. My kids and live in boyfriend KNOW that if mama does it all herself, I will be cranky and tired. We also do not say that they are helping me do something. I will say before they want to play video games, go outside to ride bikes, or go somewhere, "what have you done for the house today"

This house is not just mine. The kids (13&9) need to know that it takes a lot to run a house, and if they want a house they can be proud of, invite their friends to and not be embarrassed then they need to work to help the house.

I have to say even my boyfriend has no idea what needs to be done sometimes. I dont know how they dont know, maybe womens brains are more complex ( well we all know that!LOL ) but if it "looks" clean on the floor and table top, then everything ust be done!!!

Nah, look at the list for the house, and find something. I will not tell anyone what to do, I just repeat, "what have you done for the house"

[sharlan]

I haven't read all of the replies, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.

First of all, you cannot be taken advantage of if you don't allow it. Stop giving your daycare families and your own family permission to do it.

I think it's fantastic that your children are active and doing great in school. That's great preparation for the future.

But taking out the trash is a great chore for your 4 yo, not a teenager. They can give you at least 30 mins of their day, you give them much more than that and you work full time. They need to be responsible for themselves. In other words, they need to be responsible for keeping their rooms clean and clean up after any mess that they make.

You need to take control of your home. Ask your husband if he married you to be a partner or if was looking for a maid. If he wanted a maid, you're screwed. If he wants a partner, it's time to step up to the plate and be a man and accept responsibility for raising your children (ALL 3, not just the youngest) and help with the maintenance of the home, inside and out.

(Easily said, I know. I have a husband who does extremely little around the house. He's disabled and uses it to his advantage. But I started out doing everything from the beginning 36 yrs ago, so things aren't going to change now.)

[boysx5]

I would quit doing daycare and see how fast he would help when there wasn't any money coming in

[e.j.]

I never really ask I guess that is the problem.

Based on a couple of things you said, I thought this might be part of the problem. I tend to be the same way!

It took me a long time to learn that my husband isn't a mind reader. For the longest time, I just assumed he'd know what it was I needed and that he'd just do it. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way, especially with husbands. (For some reason, my sister could always walk into my house and somehow know exactly what needed to be done to help without me ever having to ask her, but my husband never could figure it out on his own!)

At some point early in our marriage, we sat down to hash it out. During that conversation, I found out my husband actually thought I enjoyed doing all of the housework! He loves to do the yard work and just assumed I felt the same way about house cleaning since I did it all the time and didn't complain. He was genuinely surprised to hear that it wasn't something I truly loved to do. He also thought he didn't have enough patience with the kids and that since I had so much patience with them, I didn't need his help. He had no idea that patience was something I worked hard over the years to develop and that if he worked at it, it was something he could get good at, too.

Your husband may have been spoiled while he was growing up but there's still hope he can change. Talk with him again. Let him know how overwhelmed you're feeling and how much it would mean to you to know that you can rely on his help. Give him specifics on what he can do to help and how. If he doesn't follow through, remind him; don't hold it in and not say anything. You'll just get more and more angry with him if you do that and it won't help either one of you.

[daycare]

well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....

[Meeko]

well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....

Just imagine all of us standing behind you cheering you on! You are NOT alone. Let us know how it goes!

[daycare]

Just imagine all of us standing behind you cheering you on! You are NOT alone. Let us know how it goes!

ahhh thanks so much..

I just got off the phone. made an appt to talk to a counselor. for whatever reason they don't do couples with my insurance only solo appts.??? Weird.

Well I hope that I am off to a good start. I can't go on living my life being miserable and the only one that can change it is me....

thanks again everyone! Feeling better already!!

[e.j.]

well I did sit with him some time ago and talk about everything that needed to be done, but it was just talk. I think that i will sit down tonight and make a list of everything that needs to get done. Everything..... I am sure they will faint when they see my list of stuff that I have to do daily will get them freaked ou, but i need to do it..

thanks so much everyone. Some times you just need to let it out and I guess here is just as good as it's going to get for me....

Based on my own experience, I would say it'll be an on-going process for both of you. A lot depends on whether he "gets" it and is willing to work to make changes but both of you have behavioral habits that need to change if you're going to work as a team. He has to get used to making an effort to share the work load and you have to get used to asking for what you need and not suffering in silence. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and I still find myself reverting to my "martyr" role from time to time. It takes lots of open, honest communication vs. a discussion or two here and there. It also takes a lot of courage when you're not used to speaking up for yourself.

Even if you can only get individual counseling, it's better than nothing. Your counselor can give you ideas on how to communicate more effectively with your husband as well as offer you emotional support. It will also get you out of the house and force your husband to take over the house/kid duty even if it's just for an hour or so.

I hope you find a way to work things out. It's frustrating and hurtful when you're feeling well, never mind when you're dealing with a health issue on top of it all. Good luck.

[SilverSabre25]

ahhh thanks so much..

I just got off the phone. made an appt to talk to a counselor. for whatever reason they don't do couples with my insurance only solo appts.??? Weird.

Well I hope that I am off to a good start. I can't go on living my life being miserable and the only one that can change it is me....

thanks again everyone! Feeling better already!!

Good for you!!!

I'll be thinking of you and sending encouraging thoughts your way!