Off Topic, Kind Of A Vent

[daycare]

Well, kind of a vent and maybe some advice needed.

I have 3 kids of my own and married. I run DC with 3to 6 kids daily 12+ hour days. All of my own kids are heavily active in sports and have a heavy load each week.

During the school year, I carry the load of the entire house. Inside, outside, garage, lawns and everything that goes with keeping house.

My two older kids are in Jr and Highschool. My highschooler goes to school almost 13 hour days and my daughter about 10.5 with all of her activities and tutoring. So they don't really have anytime to help me with anything.

Then my little man that is always with me, 7 days a week and he does not sleep through the night. I am the one who gets up with him at night and wakes with him early in the morning. He also has his activities that run 1-2 days a week.


My husband works one job in EMS/Fire 3-4 days a week. He has a very comfy job. he works 12 hour days, but majority of the days he works it's all down time. He works the beach area and on average runs 1-3 calls a week, while he sleeps the rest. I know that when he does gets calls, that sometimes there is a lot of stress and hard work that goes into his job. He comes home late and I am usually already asleep. He will often stay up all night long playing video games, going to the gym or watching movies becuase he got to sleep all day long. So on his days off he sleeps 90%of the day and then carries on the same schedule. He got accepted into medical school, but didnt finish his paper work on time so he didnt start when he was supposed to. So he decided to enroll in a golf class, just to be in school and please me as i was angry.

I have never been one to keep score, but lately I have been feeling under the weather and I have an illness that requires medical attention on an on- going basis. I really need to go to the doctors, but I have not had any down time to go. One of the daycare families that I had was not picking up on time and therefore I missed my appts. 3 times in a row. I just actually made an appt. for next week and this family is now gone, so I will be able to go.

I have never been one to keep score, but I just want to know if you think this is fair. I have asked him for help with everything from everyone, but so far I have not gotten any help of any kind.

I feel like I am at my witts end and I just don't know how to get to being happy again....

[Ariana]

Wow that sounds brutal!! I'm so sorry you're going throught this

It seems like your husband is your 4th kid who is living the life of a teenager. I'd be having a pretty serious talk with him because why is his happiness and "down time" more important that your own. Time to start treating yourself with some respect.

[laundrymom]

First off, I hope you get better soon. Second, he for damned sure wouldn't be taking a GOLF CLASS while I work MY ARSE off. Oh no. Laundrymom don't play like that. No way.

[laundrymom]

Wow that sounds brutal!! I'm so sorry you're going throught this

It seems like your husband is your 4th kid who is living the life of a teenager. I'd be having a pretty serious talk with him because why is his happiness and "down time" more important that your own. Time to start treating yourself with some respect.

Ok you said it much more politically correct. Lol

[daycare]

Oh so I am not crazy....

UGH... I am a very patient and passive person. At lot of people mistaken my personality type for being weak. But little do they know I have a little kung-fu Ninja inside me dying to get out....

So what do I do? I went on strike over the summer with the whole house and that seemed to work, but that was summer and my kids were just being lazy...Now they really don't have time to help me..

Also, becuase I am new in my town and work from home I don't have a single friend........Well not one that does not live 500 plus miles away...

[Ariana]

I personally feel like the issue is with your husband not your kids!! They seem pretty busy being kids. Whereas your husband is living the life of riley! I would start giving him a list of chores that you want done each day. He can do those instead of playing video games. The nagging would not cease until the chores were done

When do you have time for friends my dear?!!? Seriously!! You do too much

[daycare]

I personally feel like the issue is with your husband not your kids!! They seem pretty busy being kids. Whereas your husband is living the life of riley! I would start giving him a list of chores that you want done each day. He can do those instead of playing video games. The nagging would not cease until the chores were done

When do you have time for friends my dear?!!? Seriously!! You do too much

thats my problem I guess. I don't say ANYTHING most of the time.. I think that this has to be the first time that I spoke up.

You know how it goes with having daycare...you are stuck inside all day so you don't have time to go out and make friends. Plus being new to town, I just wouldnt know where to start.....

[misspollywog]

Wow. You should write it all down in a heartfelt letter to your dh (so he can read it when he is alone, and re-read it again!) and include everything you've told us and more, in a loving but sincere way. Don't come across like his mother because he'll rebel. Toward the end, tell him that if necessary, the two of you may need to see a marriage counselor just so you have a neutral party to help sort this out because it is THAT SERIOUS.

You can't (and shouldn't) expect the kids to pick up the slack, but you sure the hell can expect your PARTNER in life to do it. If he is able but not willing, then maybe it's time for professional intervention just to get him to take this seriously.

[laundrymom]

Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!

[misspollywog]

Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!

With the $$ from the video game sale! ::

[daycare]

Myhusbands video game would be SOLD and help hired!

..... I honestly was so mad when I got up this mroning around 4am and saw him playing video games while I stayed up with little man I thought about throwing it out the window.... But I never said anything....

[DBug]

Been there, done that. I totally feel for you . Not a good feeling when hubby and kids aren't pulling their weight.

The first thing I did, was I stopped doing everyone's laundry (except my own and my 4 yo). Hubby and boys had to start doing their own . Their clothes never get folded, and only get put away once or twice a week, but they're clean, and that's a HUGE chore off of my schedule.

Your oldest two are likely old enough to mow the lawn and do the gardening (or whatever outside stuff needs to be done). That can be done once a week, and I'm sure they can fit that in their schedule.

Second thing -- I put the things that hubby needs to do on the calendar (which he checks regularly) or in notes. That way I'm not nagging him constantly. He's really good about doing things, as long as he knows they need to be done (since he NEVER actually SEES what needs to be done).

IMO, your hubby's nights off (when he plays video games or goes to the gym) are the same as anybody else's days off -- they're days to get caught up on all the chores that need to be done. Make him a list of things he needs to do before having his "me time" on his nights off. Even if it's stuff that should go without saying, like emptying the dishwasher or sweeping the floor. He can also get the baby up, changed and dressed in the morning on his nights off.

Also, if your man is up anyway, HE'S the one that should be getting up with the little one (unless you're breastfeeding, but he should still try to rock the LO back to sleep first). He needs to take the baby monitor with him while he's playing games so that you don't have to wake up. While he's learning how to do this, remember to pretend you're asleep if the baby wakes up and hubby's the one who is supposed to respond

And make sure you're getting some "me time" too. Leave your oldest in charge and go out for an hour or two (with or without friends) to just disengage for awhile, at least once a week.

Just my two cents, but I think you really need to set the ground rules and lay out some expectations for everyone. Kids and men tend to be very unintuitive -- they won't figure out most things on their own, and they'll need to be told ... repeatedly (and over and over again). Good luck!! I hope they step up

[cheerfuldom]

oh no....that would so not fly here! I agree that you are a passive person (from what I gather from your daycare issues) and this causes a lot of problems with your daycare parents and clearly, your husband. its the same type of skill to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment. you don't have to scream and get all crazy about stuff to get your way (not saying that you would). there is a middle ground there. First of all, i would cut down to no more than 10 hours a day doing daycare. I would never, ever agree to doing 12 hours a day EVER. no wonder you are exhausted.

[Solandia]

I would totally call BS on his "golf class". Seriously. I am doubtful there were NO productive classes for him to take that require his med school paperwork in on time. If nothing else, business classes, since many doctors really **** at the biz end of it all. It sounds like (to me) he is having second thought on the commitment of Med school but doesn't want to own up to it. He is afraid of your inner ninja

Although your jr high & high schoolers may have busy schedules, there is no reason why they cannot help out on the weekend. IF THEY REFUSE, they can take care of their own crap (their own laundry, 100% of the time. Their own dishes - get them a set of their own, etc. Yeah, I have done this before. ) Same with dh, if he continues to act completely worthless on his off time. Why would he want to go to Med school? Give him enough chores, and he will be dying to get his app in, just to have less work.

For my oldest at the moment...she is in off-season basketball (practice 3x/wk, 1-2games on Sat's, afterschool G&T math/science, band, choir, 4-H - which she is club president, church youth group). She still has to do one cleaning chore per day (there is a list of things to do posted on our family bulletin board). Cleaning chores are 15 minute things that must be done...examples would be cleaning the toilets, wiping down the sinks, vacuuming the steps, taking out all the trash, mopping the bathroom floors, windex all the mirrors, doing all the downstairs windows,etc...it really helps a lot. Doing extra chores equals getting extra $$.

Also, after dinner we have a set of family chores that EVERYONE helps with until the list is completed. TV, computer, ipod touch, kindle does not get turned on until the list is done. THE LIST: Wash, dry, and put away dishes. Wash down the table, stove, and countertops. Pick up everything downstairs. Sweep the floors. Take out trash/recycling if needed. Set up coffee pot for the AM. Prepare lunches for tomorrow (dh & dd). *it takes about 10-15min, depending how motivated everyone is*

*I* don't think I ask too much. It is a lot easier to get everyone to help with community chores after I made everyone do everything only for themselves for a while. I only took care of me & the babies stuff (there had been a ton of complaining about "i didn't make that mess", "that wasn't my cup", "it seems I have to do everything around here"). Apparently cleaning your sister's dinner cup is easier after all. ::

[daycare]

Been there, done that. I totally feel for you . Not a good feeling when hubby and kids aren't pulling their weight.

The first thing I did, was I stopped doing everyone's laundry (except my own and my 4 yo). Hubby and boys had to start doing their own . Their clothes never get folded, and only get put away once or twice a week, but they're clean, and that's a HUGE chore off of my schedule.

Your oldest two are likely old enough to mow the lawn and do the gardening (or whatever outside stuff needs to be done). That can be done once a week, and I'm sure they can fit that in their schedule.

Second thing -- I put the things that hubby needs to do on the calendar (which he checks regularly) or in notes. That way I'm not nagging him constantly. He's really good about doing things, as long as he knows they need to be done (since he NEVER actually SEES what needs to be done).

IMO, your hubby's nights off (when he plays video games or goes to the gym) are the same as anybody else's days off -- they're days to get caught up on all the chores that need to be done. Make him a list of things he needs to do before having his "me time" on his nights off. Even if it's stuff that should go without saying, like emptying the dishwasher or sweeping the floor. He can also get the baby up, changed and dressed in the morning on his nights off.

Also, if your man is up anyway, HE'S the one that should be getting up with the little one (unless you're breastfeeding, but he should still try to rock the LO back to sleep first). He needs to take the baby monitor with him while he's playing games so that you don't have to wake up. While he's learning how to do this, remember to pretend you're asleep if the baby wakes up and hubby's the one who is supposed to respond

And make sure you're getting some "me time" too. Leave your oldest in charge and go out for an hour or two (with or without friends) to just disengage for awhile, at least once a week.

Just my two cents, but I think you really need to set the ground rules and lay out some expectations for everyone. Kids and men tend to be very unintuitive -- they won't figure out most things on their own, and they'll need to be told ... repeatedly (and over and over again). Good luck!! I hope they step up

sorry the little man is 4.............

I know I brought on a lot of this on myself. I have always done everything for everyone. Before my husband worked 2 jobs and never had time to help. But he quit one so that he could start medical school. So I guess I just assumed that I would be getting some help......