Fostering

[AfterSchoolMom]

I was reading another thread where someone mentioned that they used to be a foster parent, and that got me thinking...

I've been thinking on and off about fostering, but my main hang up is that I feel I may get too attached, making it super hard to let them go when the time comes to do so. I just wondered if anyone else here fosters, and if they find this to be the case...or if anyone could share any advice for someone who is thinking about it.

[VTMom]

I don't have any experience with fostering but had heard from a former foster parent that you can not be a foster parent and run a daycare. This is in Vermont any way.

Just something to look into...

[AfterSchoolMom]

VT Mom, I've always just done before and after school, and this year (so far at least, but school starts in less than a week) I have no kids.

[VTMom]

Good luck! My husband and I have talked about being foster parents when our kids are older (and I'm no longer doing daycare). These kids need stability and unconditional love so much. My hat's off to you.

[Michelle]

I have always wanted to be a foster parent!
What an impact I can have on these children.
I am going to do it, I just want to wait until my 16 year old daughter graduates and is in college first because I don't want any more attention taken away from her that already is with the daycare.

There is such a need in my area and I actually have had social workers beg me to do it and were willing to let me bypass the training because they have seen the way I help the foster kids (daycare) that I have now. Their foster parents work and I get paid from dpss.
This might be a good start to see what it's like.
Just contact your local children's services and let them know you have openings and you are licensed. They will pass your info onto foster parents that need care while they work. I have had some kids they were o.k. but some that were very disturbed and had to let them go for the safety of the group.
I admire you for wanting to do this but remember, foster care means no breaks, they are with you 24/7 but they do have respite care in my area, so ask if they have that in your area.

[Blackcat31]

I was reading another thread where someone mentioned that they used to be a foster parent, and that got me thinking...

I've been thinking on and off about fostering, but my main hang up is that I feel I may get too attached, making it super hard to let them go when the time comes to do so. I just wondered if anyone else here fosters, and if they find this to be the case...or if anyone could share any advice for someone who is thinking about it.

Do you have children of your own?

I ask because my parents were foster parents while I was growing up. I am the oldest of 6 children and from the time I was 18 months old until I was 12, we had various foster children in our home. My parents loved them and treated them as their own. They were in our Christmas card photos and they had all the same birthday parties and etc. I always asked my mom how she could do it (integrate a child into our lives and hearts just to let them go) and she always said, she just told herself from the get go that they weren't hers and she knew they would ultimately be reunited with their parents so even though it was sometimes hard, it was what it was.

With that being said, however, as a child growing up with these kids, I felt horrible when they left and hurt when we never saw them again. I didn't understand why we got to love them and treat them as family just to have them leave. Even when I got older and logically understood it didn't make it any easier. I think as a child it is too much to love and lose like that.....KWIM?

[AfterSchoolMom]

Do you have children of your own?

I ask because my parents were foster parents while I was growing up. I am the oldest of 6 children and from the time I was 18 months old until I was 12, we had various foster children in our home. My parents loved them and treated them as their own. They were in our Christmas card photos and they had all the same birthday parties and etc. I always asked my mom how she could do it (integrate a child into our lives and hearts just to let them go) and she always said, she just told herself from the get go that they weren't hers and she knew they would ultimately be reunited with their parents so even though it was sometimes hard, it was what it was.

With that being said, however, as a child growing up with these kids, I felt horrible when they left and hurt when we never saw them again. I didn't understand why we got to love them and treat them as family just to have them leave. Even when I got older and logically understood it didn't make it any easier. I think as a child it is too much to love and lose like that.....KWIM?

Yes, I do have my own children - both in elementary school. I didn't think of it that way, Blackcat - that's something to seriously think about and maybe even talk to them about. Thank you for your insight!

[Unregistered]

Logged out fo privacy's sake

We are in the process of becoming liscenced foster parents.

Your state DHS website probably has a lot of info. Then contact your county to attend an orientation. It is a good over view.

There is an online forum that has a "becoming foster parent" section and a "foster parent support" section. Good reads. Lots of helpful info. It is adoption.com.

As part of the home study your own children will be asked by the certifier if they want to become a foster home.

There are a lot of children that need the safety of foster care.
Good luck with your decision.

[Solandia]

I am a foster parent, and have my own kids. Many states do not allow a family to be dual licensed foster & daycare. I can, and have.

My kids are 12yo, 9yo, and 1yo. Our current foster son is 1yo. There are particular challenges to fostering while doing daycare....and you really need to know how your agency or dcfs handles things like appts, transportation to visits, what the foster parents responsibility is towards those. And how much you are willing to be pushed around,because they change those expectations all the time ... And threaten, cajole, intimidate to get what they want out of you.

For example, after we had been licensed for a year...we "had" to signal agreement that we would be willing to transport for visits...up to 4 times per week, that doesn't include dr visits, or therapies....never did sign it, yet we still got an infant to foster. Said we wouldn't get a foster placement. Lol. They said they wouldn't provide transportation for all these ungodly visits an hour or more away from here. Granted we didn't have a foster kiddie for years,,,each call we got I would say sure bring them on over....I don't transport to parent visit, I don't supervise visits, ever. not doing jail visits.

Even without the daycare, I am completely unwilling to donate 9-12 hours of my time each week, on top of evereything else...begging for people to pick up the other kids from practice, miss them coming home from school, missing games, concerts, or whatever.

And it's a shame that we haven't had more foster kids, because we are really,really good with the kids that come into care.

[actaktmdt]

Check with your states dhs office. In Michigan you can foster and do daycare however they are includeed in ratios here.

[AfterSchoolMom]

I appreciate the advice...but I don't currently have a daycare, and at most all I'll have at any given time will be a handful of SA's. That's not really my concern. Just wondering about the emotional aspects of it, and whether or not it is hard on a family or on the biological children...if some real good can be done or if it'll just end up a nightmare. KWIM?

[Blackcat31]

I appreciate the advice...but I don't currently have a daycare, and at most all I'll have at any given time will be a handful of SA's. That's not really my concern. Just wondering about the emotional aspects of it, and whether or not it is hard on a family or on the biological children...if some real good can be done or if it'll just end up a nightmare. KWIM?

From my own experience I think for some of the kids we had, my parents and the family life and stability they gave them really did make a difference. For some, they were beyond saving and were destined to be victims of the system and society forever. That is something I don't think I could personally handle when in the role of being the substitute parent. Like I said in a previous post, I was personally effected by the comings and going of these children and had no capacity to fully understand that there were kids out there whose parent could not care for them. It just didn't make sense to me when I had a roof over my head and 2 loving parents. I had never been truly hungry, cold or alone and I coudn't comprehend how that could be the real life situation of a child.

Looking back now some 30 years later and I feel like I lost those "siblings" as if they had died. In that day and age we didn't keep in contact with the families we fostered. It was better to make a clean break so the kids and families could get on with their lives.

I don't want to turn you off to this notion but I do want you to consider and really think about it from all sides. It could be a great learning experience for your children. It could help them learn the value in giving to others. It can help teach them to donate, volunteer, and do our duty as human beings to mankind. Loving and letting go isn't always easy and I think that people who truly have big hearts don't always see the reality of the situation as the idea of being this savior is romaticized. I am NOT saying you are looking to be someone's savior but I think you get the point I am trying to make.

This reminds me of my own daughter who had life long aspirations of becoming a pediatric nurse because she loves kids. One day, I mentioned to her that 99% of the kids she will see are sick and or in need of medical care for a problem Some could even be dying or terminal and she just went like this . It had never occurred to her that there was a downside or flip side to this grand idea of saving kids.

Do your reseach: see if you can find a forum or message board that is directed at foster care (both foster parents and possibly foster kids who are now adults and been through the system) and ask questions, listen to real life feedback, both successful and not so great. Listen to both sides and gather enough info to make the right decision for you and your family.

Good luck. I think you have good intentions. Just make sure they are the right intentions for you and your children too.

[JeanneMI]

I was a foster parent in both New York and Florida. We had four kids of our own, and I missed having little ones around. My youngest was 9 when we started fostering, so we only took in younger children. I never wanted foster kids the same age as my own, I was worried about jealousy from either side, and I wanted my kids to have their own place in the family. My kids were a big help with the younger ones, they all loved the little brothers and sisters, and it made them better kids to see that not everyone had what they had. My oldest daughter is now a licensed social worker.

We did get attached to the kids, but always felt that if they went home it would be to a better situation than they came from. We ended up adopting three kids when their parents' rights were terminated. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

In both of the states we fostered we were able to tell them the ages we were willing to take. Not that they didn't sometimes ask for more, the need is always so great. But stick to what you know you can handle, just like in day care, and you'll do great!

[NiNi.R.]

I was the one who talked about being a foster parent. It's not really allowed here to be a daycare and a foster parent but the state granted me an exception because in this particular situation the child literally had no one else. It was either me or a stranger. I was paid by the state not the amount of money a typical foster parent gets paid but as a family member would get paid (vouchers to cover the amount of clothes and his groceries). I also had to take him to childcare elsewhere. They would pay another childcare provider in full for daycare but they wouldn't pay me the same amount to keep him in my daycare. I would of rather kept him at home but I just couldn't afford to have 3 (2 of them being my own children) unpaid spots being taken. It was stressful and I had to jump through hoops.

But I'd do it over again if I had too as I was able to provide the child a stable home while mom got her life back on track. I thought our jobs were hard but GOD BLESS those social workers out there that have to deal with the parents that cause such a mess for their children.

[AfterSchoolMom]

Thank you for your perspectives, Blackcat, Jeanne, and Nini.