UGH! I Have a Huge Dilemma. I Need Some Guidance

[MG&Lsmom]

I knew this was coming and I knew what I wanted to do. But when faced with the question, I'm second guessing myself.

I have been doing back up care for a friend, another provider in the next town over who's a very good friend of mine. DCBs parents are friends with another friend of mine. I've had dcb less than a dozen times since January. But we see eachother all the time at parties, so our kids have lots of contact. Dcb is a dream, he loves coming here, plays so nicely with everyone. I run things a bit differently than my friend: more structure, more learning activities, daily reports, etc. It's for my sanity as much as it is for the kids.

Know where this is going? Yep, it was brought up this morning. Dcm started the conversation that she's getting unhappy, dcb is unhappy, he's bored, dcp is less engaged, no reports, etc, etc. He loves it here, she loves my style, etc, etc. I stopped her right away. I promised myself I would never take a client from this provider. Dcm understood and she asked about other providers and if I had any suggestions. Told her I'd look up a few I had heard about.

And now, as I'm looking at a negative balance in my checking acct and 3 overdue notices, I'm kicking myself for having morals. I need to fill some FT spots or this is going to get ugly. I didn't go after this boy to be a client, I just did what I do for everybody. UGH!

[Zoe]

Did you and this other daycare provider ever discuss what would happen should a client want to come to you?

You aren't actively going after their clients, they just got a taste of what you have to offer and liked you better. I know it's a sticky situation, so I don't have any black or white answer for you. I think if you never discussed this with the other daycare provider then there is a gray area for you to consider taking on this family.

[Cat Herder]

If she is your friend you should be able to talk to her about it honestly.

If she get's angry because she is not the fit the parent wants for their child, then maybe she was not really a friend of yours.

On the flip side, you will need to be as understanding if the shoe is on the other foot. I would also tell her you plan to send her any client calls you get once you are full.

I would start the conversation with her now so it does not feel underhanded.

[MG&Lsmom]

Did you and this other daycare provider ever discuss what would happen should a client want to come to you?

You aren't actively going after their clients, they just got a taste of what you have to offer and liked you better. I know it's a sticky situation, so I don't have any black or white answer for you. I think if you never discussed this with the other daycare provider then there is a gray area for you to consider taking on this family.

Not that I remember. But we've discussed how this DCM is a bit much sometimes, so I think she'd be really surprised and more than a little angry. She & another previous dcm turned provider that she was also very close with have since had a complete blowup drag out fight and it ended their relationship. She is a really really good friend. She watched my 2 girls while I worked for 5 years. Her teen daughters are my babysitters. We've known eachother for 10 years.

Since she's in a different town and takes infants, we don't really compete that much. But I also know she's pretty low on numbers and losing a FT kid will really hurt her.

[Crazy8]

I would be honest with the other provider!!! I would tell her that this dcm approached you AND make sure you tell her that you turned her down. Then mention that she asked you for other recommendations. Maybe if she knows the mom is going to leave anyway she will be ok with you taking them on.

I think your morals are in the right place, I don't believe in the cut throat style of some providers - but you can still talk to her about it and give her the chance to "give" you the ok. Do you need it? No. But will it preserve your friendship? yes, I think it would.

Good luck!

[MG&Lsmom]

She's on vacation right now. Last week when both my current kids gave notice I contacted her to let her know & to ask if she had spots cuz I'd probably be looking for a PT job when school starts. I forgot she was on vacation since dcb spent last week with his grandparents. But she was like, Yes, yes I'll take him for whatever hours you find.

[MarinaVanessa]

What if you spoke to DCM and told her to try another place out for 30 days and give it an honest chance and if she was still not satisfied to give you an call to see if you still had availability. You wouldn't be stealing her then, sounds like she's leaving anyway and at least you won't be the DCM's next daycare.

I'm a little apprehensive about telling DC friend about the situation due to privacy issues. Yes, DCM is DC friends client but she is also yours in a way. Not sure what everyone else's thoughts or experiences on this are.

[Cat Herder]

What if you spoke to DCM and told her to try another place out for 30 days and give it an honest chance and if she was still not satisfied to give you an call to see if you still had availability. You wouldn't be stealing her then, sounds like she's leaving anyway and at least you won't be the DCM's next daycare.

I'm a little apprehensive about telling DC friend about the situation due to privacy issues. Yes, DCM is DC friends client but she is also yours in a way. Not sure what everyone else's thoughts or experiences on this are.

My understanding is that BOTH providers are currently working with this family already.

One as the full-time provider, the other as the back-up.

If not, I may have mispoken.

IMHO, any time you ask another provider to provide back-up to your clients you take on the risk that a family will choose them. That is the risk you take for having asked for their assistance to begin with.

It is a two way street.

[Sally]

From Experience...

I knew this was coming and I knew what I wanted to do. But when faced with the question, I'm second guessing myself.

I have been doing back up care for a friend, another provider in the next town over who's a very good friend of mine. DCBs parents are friends with another friend of mine. I've had dcb less than a dozen times since January. But we see eachother all the time at parties, so our kids have lots of contact. Dcb is a dream, he loves coming here, plays so nicely with everyone. I run things a bit differently than my friend: more structure, more learning activities, daily reports, etc. It's for my sanity as much as it is for the kids.

Know where this is going? Yep, it was brought up this morning. Dcm started the conversation that she's getting unhappy, dcb is unhappy, he's bored, dcp is less engaged, no reports, etc, etc. He loves it here, she loves my style, etc, etc. I stopped her right away. I promised myself I would never take a client from this provider. Dcm understood and she asked about other providers and if I had any suggestions. Told her I'd look up a few I had heard about.

And now, as I'm looking at a negative balance in my checking acct and 3 overdue notices, I'm kicking myself for having morals. I need to fill some FT spots or this is going to get ugly. I didn't go after this boy to be a client, I just did what I do for everybody. UGH!

Trust me from experience you would have burned your bridge, and this other parent would probably end up doing the same to you. I've done this sooo many years, and you can do handstands and flips...doesn't make you better then the next daycare. There are just crappy parents, and it is really crappy for her to do that. Especially since she was nice enough to help her parent find backup!!! In my policy I state that there are many public daycares in our area so if they need backup they can call them period!! Also, I talk to 5 other daycare ladies and we have a system that if one of us is filled we refer to each other and it has worked out quite well. We also call each other for support, or if we have a bad parent put them on the S. list...so they have trouble finding care. I would really go that route, and tell your friend what this parent tried to do. Been there!

[MarinaVanessa]

My understanding is that BOTH providers are currently working with this family already.

One as the full-time provider, the other as the back-up.

If not, I may have mispoken.

IMHO, any time you ask another provider to provide back-up to your clients you take on the risk that a family will choose them. That is the risk you take for having asked for their assistance to begin with.

It is a two way street.

You know what ... now that you put it like that you do have a valid point.

Maybe that's why I don't see accepting DCM permanently as such a bad thing?? I know a few providers and frequently refer calls when I get ones for spots that I don't have like siblings or school-agers. I also give my clients a list of providers in my area that I trust and they can call to use as back-up care. HOWEVER I never give out a number to a provider that I feel is my competition ::. If I feel that the one provider has the same perks as I do and the same personality etc. she only gets refered the calls I DON'T want. If the provider deffinetely doesn't do as much with the kids or have as good of a program as mine then I give her info to my DCF's ::.

Safety first. Gotta take care of #1. If I don't then who will?

[MG&Lsmom]

To clarify, DCM found me on her own. My provider friend did not send her to me. Dcm and I have another mutual friend. Mutual friend told her I got licensed and to call me. Before then, my only contact with DCM was at the mutual friends family parties. It's pure coincidence that she uses my good friend for daycare.

Since we are friends and talk often, I normally find out what days this provider is taking before her dcps. And I already *know* she takes certain days, like her birthday, first 2 weeks of Aug and some holidays I'm not closed for. So I just pencil dcb in for the days and wait for a call for DCM.

I will not tell the provider about the convo. This DCM is already on her way out of there and I told her to talk the provider directly about her concerns. That way they can both decide where they want to go from there. As they both keep me out of it.

[e.j.]

No real advice here; just wanted to say I can understand how uncomfortable this must be for you.

A similar thing happened to me and I remember how awful it felt. One of my dc parents decided to open her own day care in a nearby town. About a year later, she became pregnant and had to go on bed rest. She called me to ask if I had an open spot for one of her dc kids. I took him with the understanding he would be with me temporarily.

Just before the dc boy was due to go back to his original day care, he and his mother went on vacation. Shortly after they left, I got a call from their dc provider saying the boy's mother had called her and gave notice, saying she was on vacation but that she was planning to keep the boy with me once they got back. She (the dc provider) wanted to know what happened and what I knew. I knew nothing! The dc mom had never said anything to me about wanting to keep the boy with me. I explained that and told her I just assumed the boy was going back to her after vacation.

I'm not sure if she believed me but to her credit, she said as long as I had the opening and the dc boy was happy, she didn't have a problem with it. She remains a friend.

I was upset with the mother for putting me in the position she did but I did take the boy because he had a hard time with change and had just finally become comfortable coming to my house. Since mom had already given notice and wasn't going back to the other dc regardless of my decision, I thought it was best for the boy just to keep him with me rather than put him through another change. Turned out to be a good decision but I still get uncomfortable when I think about the other provider.

If you change your mind about taking the boy, hopefully, your friend will understand that these kinds of things do happen and if not, can at least get past it enough to keep it from damaging your relationship. Good luck!

[Unregistered]

Thats exactly why I dont take time off! I dont want someone to realize they dont need me!

[renodeb]

I agree with the others, your not actively going after this family, theylike your style and I think if she cant understand that parents will change there minds then shes not the friend you thought she was!
I went throught a situation with a (used to be provider friend) who I ended up getting burned by. In a nutshell we were both interviewing the same family back to back and she said something to dissuade them from coming here. Have they found other other dc yet or ogone back to her? I wouldnt rule them out as clients.
Debbie