What To Do When...

[Country Kids]

Either walk away and ignore the tantrum or "SHOW" him how to have the tantrum. Tell him he isn't doing it right and start screaming, wailing, kicking, and just have yourself a good hissy fit. They are usually so surprised that they stop and never do it again.

When I did this to my big fit thrower it just made it extremely worse! I found the best way to deal with the child was to ignore and leave alone. We actually had to leave the library once because of the screaming. My own child was very dissapointed but what could I do. I wasn't going to risk getting kicked out of the library. The library actually thanked me and said they wished they had more parents (I let them know I was the childcare provider, spoke volumes for my business) that would leave when the kids did that.

[Unregistered]

I can tell you that keeping the child up regularly late is contributing to the child's tantrums. It's not healthy, mentally or physically, for a child of that age to be up past midnight. A kid that age should be getting a minimum of 10 hours uninterrupted sleep at night, so this child is likely overtired often. Also, it's not helping that Grandma is dropping the child off. Just curious as to what time the drop off is? I'm wondering what the Grandma's work schedule is and why they are hiring daycare if Grandma isn't working. If Grandma can't watch the child, I highly recommend that one of the parents drop off on their way to work instead, so the child isn't trantruming wanting to stay with Grandma. And this won't be a problem if mom would put the child to sleep at an acceptable time (8:00 pm max for that age). I would talk to the parent about the sleep schedule and then go from there. I'm willing to bet this kid will behave better with more regular sleep and with Mom dropping off instead of pineing for Grandma all day.

[MamaJ]

I can tell you that keeping the child up regularly late is contributing to the child's tantrums. It's not healthy, mentally or physically, for a child of that age to be up past midnight. A kid that age should be getting a minimum of 10 hours uninterrupted sleep at night, so this child is likely overtired often. Also, it's not helping that Grandma is dropping the child off. Just curious as to what time the drop off is? I'm wondering what the Grandma's work schedule is and why they are hiring daycare if Grandma isn't working. If Grandma can't watch the child, I highly recommend that one of the parents drop off on their way to work instead, so the child isn't trantruming wanting to stay with Grandma. And this won't be a problem if mom would put the child to sleep at an acceptable time (8:00 pm max for that age). I would talk to the parent about the sleep schedule and then go from there. I'm willing to bet this kid will behave better with more regular sleep and with Mom dropping off instead of pineing for Grandma all day.

Usually mom drops him off at 7:30am. This week I'm not sure what mom is doing, maybe on vacation or something, so grandma has him yesterday and today. I don't think grandma works...or grandpa. I think she is home all day, and mom just told her today is his daycare day (I watch him M-W). So, grandma dropping him off in the morning is rare.

I know sleep is a huge thing. One Monday she brought him and said he was at his dad's the previous night and was up until 2am because "he wanted to play and watch movies". what?! since when does a 5 yr old get to call the shots? that was a challenging Monday to say the least. I don't think he gets a regular schedule at home, and is bounced around a lot between mom, dad, grandma, etc.

I'm not sure how to bring up these issues with mom without sounding judgemental, or making her feel bad, or making it sound like I can't stand her kid.

[daycare]

I don't know if it's the right way but I would squat down look him right in the eye and say, I know you are mad, and I understand why. But you may NOT act this way. There is no reason for you to be mean to me. If you would like to do fun things then close your mouth, dry your tears, and stop the ugly behavior. Or you will stand beside me until you go home tonight. Then I would stand, turn and walk away. Give him a minute and if he is still pitching a fit, go back and say, James, I told you what would happen, you are staying beside me today. Grab his hand and walk him to wherever you need to be. Fit or not bad behavior gets nothing but misery at 5 he is too old for tantrums. Also a 5 year old who acts like a 2 yr old,... Gets 2 year old supervision and treatment. Complete with plastic silverware, baby toys, boring ones like rattles, stuffed animals, boring BABY toys. He is manipulating you. And I would be willing to bet that he figures out real fast ugly behavior gets no fun. Also for the record, don't stress over yelling.

I would do this too...
I give choices..

DCB you can choose to stop your behavior right now, get into the car and show me that you are a big boy

or

You can continue this behavior, I will pick you up, carry you to the car and you will sit out for the rest of the day until your mother comes to pick you up..

then say: what would you like to do. Give me about 30 seconds to decide.

It will only take you having to pick this kid up one time, place him in the car and I know he will never do it again.

I know that you said he is a big boy, but do it one time.....

let the kid fell like he is in contorl of the situation by letting him decide what he wants to do. Just make sure the 2 options that you give him are realistic and that you follow through 100% with your options.

My motto is: Kids that don't listen, don't get to have any fun...

I would also let mom know how you are working with him and how is behavior is while he is infront of both of you..

[e.j.]

how did you handle your son's tantrums when you had to get out the door and be somewhere on time?

This might have been easier as his parent (vs. child care provider) to do but we did a lot of work to try to prevent tantrums. We paid attention to the kinds of things that tended to set him off and then tried to prepare him and ourselves for "next time". Anticipating and avoiding tantrums was almost always easier than trying to deal with them once they've started.

Giving him warnings before transitions really did help. Letting him know exactly where we were going, what to expect and how long we would be there - basically giving him as much detail as I could give him - helped a great deal. Giving him clear expectations about behavior and explaining why it was important also helped. Speaking to him calmly and in ways that made him feel respected worked the best - way better than the, "I'm the boss and you'll do what I say." approach. He fought us much harder when we took a strong disciplinarian stance.

If a tantrum was just starting, I would also try to nip it in the bud by saying, "I can see you're getting upset. Could you use a hug?" If he agreed (and he often would), I would have him sit on my lap while we rocked in a rocking chair and talked about what was upsetting him. The rocking and a good firm hug to calm sensory integration issues usually worked quickly so we could get to where we were going without losing too much time. (We did this into early middle school age when we needed to. Numbs the legs a little as they get heavier but it worked like a charm most times!)

In my son's case, he's always been very verbal so I used that to our advantage. Lots of talking, explaining and debriefing after the fact helped.

Sometimes, we couldn't avoid the tantrums and sometimes we just had to pick him up and plant him in the car. I can empathize with you when you say it's a strain for you to have to pick him up. I won't go into detail but I remember one really bad tantrum that involved him going "spread eagle" as I tried to get him out the door and into the car. I can laugh about it now but it was not funny at the time!

If we couldn't avoid a tantrum, I would try to talk to him at a later time when he was calm. I would tell him that I wanted to understand why he behaved the way he did so that I could help us both do better next time. Most of the time, once he explained his perspective on things, it really did help me to understand his behavior and we worked on a plan together that would help next time. I found that if I told him, "Wow, I didn't realize you felt that way but I can understand why you did. If I were you, I would have felt that way, too." helped. It made him feel understood and then it was easier for him to listen to what I had to say. I would then explain how "neurotypicals" would see the situation and would explain why his behavior was inappropriate and why it couldn't happen again.


I went back to look at your previous post about him and there do seem to be a lot of red flags. Have you ever raised your concerns with his mother? It sounded as though you might have been hesitant to do that when you posted before. If you are worried about getting him on the bus in the fall (and I think you have good reason to be, especially if he becomes resistant to going to school which often happens with kids who have autism or other issues), you might be able to use that as leverage to motivate her to get him evaluated. "I'm concerned about your son. These are the behaviors I'm concerned about and I'm worried about having the responsibility of getting him on the bus next fall. I may not be able to offer care unless we can figure out what's causing his behavior and how best to deal with it."

One of the things you mentioned before is that he doesn't really talk much to you. Has this changed at all? I'm asking because my son has Asperger's and one of the characteristics is normal to above average verbal ability. My son is a talker - almost non-stop when he was younger - so what worked with him may not work as well with your dcb if he's more non-verbal.
I'm hoping you can find something that helps you to deal with those tantrums. It's not easy. I give your credit for being willing to stick it out this for as long as you have.

[e.j.]

I know sleep is a huge thing. One Monday she brought him and said he was at his dad's the previous night and was up until 2am because "he wanted to play and watch movies". what?! since when does a 5 yr old get to call the shots?

I forgot to mention sleep! He shouldn't be calling the shots but I did want to mention that this may also be a red flag to add to your concerns. Kids with autism often have sleep issues. My own son would have stayed up all night if I'd have let him. There were many nights when he was in bed but wide awake until the early morning hours. Structure and a consitant bedtime schedule probably would help this boy if you could get the parents/grandparents to understand the importance. My guess is, they just don't want to fight the battle with him.

[Hunni Bee]

I almost have this same kid. Five years old, weighs 70 pounds easily. I've had him since he was 3 but he went to Pre-K last year.

Horrible tantrums and crying fits. He likes to play wrestling and "karate" games a lot, but being that he's so big, he often is too rough with my smaller boys. Plus I don't allow that kind of play anyway, but he insists on playing that way. So he insists on going to time-out ...he starts screaming "they did it! it was them!" and refusing to move. Im not going to pick up a tantruming 70 pound kid...nor is he going to be allowed to throw a fit in a room full of other kids. So I call Mom....he has literally came up to me, grabbed my arm and ripped the phone out of my hands. He's THAT strong.

I figured if he's that big and strong, he needs to be with older kids...