Pink Dress Boy Update!

[Sugar Magnolia]

Sugar

You did not fail and I'll tell you why..........

You HAD to go thru this to see it with your own two eyes. The only way to understand fixation is to go thru the cycle of it.

Don't worry about the other kids not having the girl clothes. The GROUP is your only chance to heal him. You can't do it. It has to be the other kids.

Part of being a group of humans is to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. They may not have access to the clothes for a while but it's what's best for him right now and he IS them.... he is a piece of them.

You will be surprised (if the Mom keeps sending him) how the whole group dynamic will change once he balances out. They have to take one for the team right now but if you ALL hang in there he should settle in and get to playin toys and doing group things.

I dunno. I definately feel like a huge failure. I have disappeared stuff several times before and it NEVER bothered me. But THIS whole episode bothers me. A lot. I totally deserve an "I told ya so." I talked to mom and told her what happened. She supports my decision. She says that, but the next time I see him with painted pink finger nails, I'm going to ask her what happened to her support. Bummed. Very bummed. For him, for me, for all the kids. Sigh. Whodathunk a simple dress could cause so much upheaveal in one boys mind. Epic Fail. Shoulda listened to you last week. .... I screwed up.

[daycare]

I dunno. I definately feel like a huge failure. I have disappeared stuff several times before and it NEVER bothered me. But THIS whole episode bothers me. A lot. I totally deserve an "I told ya so." I talked to mom and told her what happened. She supports my decision. She says that, but the next time I see him with painted pink finger nails, I'm going to ask her what happened to her support. Bummed. Very bummed. For him, for me, for all the kids. Sigh. Whodathunk a simple dress could cause so much upheaveal in one boys mind. Epic Fail. Shoulda listened to you last week. .... I screwed up.

sorry to sound rude, but I am so lost. what is wrong with pink toe nails or fingernails?

[Sugar Magnolia]

In my home I would say, "Why should the other well behaved children not get to play with a dress up dress?" :confused:

This is way, way beyond " I only want to play with the red truck, or drink from the pink cup."...or whatever. The child needs a therapist. Just taking away the dress probably won't fix this lil guy. Poor lil fella.

Even if I didn't immediately replace the dress I still would want to be reimbursed for the damage. If one my kiddos broke something at someone's house I would offer to pay. That is just how I was raised.

"Like".
It was only 5 bucks. Don't care about that. But you are right, it goes way beyond simple fixation. I agree, he needs professional help.

[nannyde]

I dunno. I definately feel like a huge failure. I have disappeared stuff several times before and it NEVER bothered me. But THIS whole episode bothers me. A lot. I totally deserve an "I told ya so." I talked to mom and told her what happened. She supports my decision. She says that, but the next time I see him with painted pink finger nails, I'm going to ask her what happened to her support. Bummed. Very bummed. For him, for me, for all the kids. Sigh. Whodathunk a simple dress could cause so much upheaveal in one boys mind. Epic Fail. Shoulda listened to you last week. .... I screwed up.

Nah Shug

You don't come into this with super powers. You are seeing something that doesn't occur that much in kid population. You could go your whole career and never see it to this extent.

The only reason I recognize it is that I've seen enough kids over many years who show pieces of what you are describing and I see how it affects them and THE GROUP. I've seen that allowing X leads to Y and the group suffers in Z way. I know the cost to the adult who is trying to be fair and "child led".

If you want to understand fixation you have to understand anxiety in kids. You also have to see where attention and confirmation comes from the adults. Believe it when I say that MOST of the anxiety around "things" are given to the child by the parents early in their infancy and endorsed until it becomes something that directly affects their activities of daily living.

I have a suspicion that the Mom is playing baby and playing baby girl with him at home. I would also guess that it is something that pisses the Dad off so the Mom went for it. The kid realizes that the adults acted "high strung" about it with him and he latched onto it. Mom doing it to make Dad mad and Dad reacting mad at mom. These are one and the same to the kid.

I know it sounds NUTS but there is a chance that this isn't about gender but about control and anxiety. He may have taken this on because it is so extreme that it matches his anxiety.

There's a great episode on the Dog Whisperer you should watch. It's about a dog that is addicted to chewing rocks. The way Cesar explains it is very interesting and the way the dog is worked with within Cesars pack will give you some ideas of why you really need the GROUP of kids to help heal him or at least help make him more livable. Watch the whole thing on both if you can:

start at 1:30 about Punkin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1w-g9kF19I&NR=1

second half with the pack:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZISyAx6oug&NR=1

[Country Kids]

I had asked early on in the original post if this mom was allowing it at home and if so did she really want a girl so why not encourage him to be one! Especially if she allows the nail painting and such. I have never seen a little boy to this extreme so there has to be something going on besides what is going on at childcare.

What do the other parents of the other children think. I would be afraid of clients wanting to start to leave if he is this obsessed by it and especially if he is throwing tantrums over "the dress". I would be very careful with this because he could start having you lose more than the money you invest into the dress.

[nannyde]

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/babies/article/995112--parents-keep-child-s-gender-secret

[countrymom]

there is some pyschological thing going on here. I would start telling mom over and over again that he keeps telling everyone that he's a girl, she needs to get it thru her thick head that she is wrecking him. I would start reminding him that he's a boy, this is what boys do, why doesn't he play with the boys. I know its stereo typing the child but this boy really needs help.

[Sugar Magnolia]

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/b...-gender-secret

Love this article! Hate this article! Ahhhhhhh... Just kidding. Its VERY insightful, and I do like the idea of all toys and play things at school being "gender-less". But the article makes me feel like returning the dresses and allowing him to be "himself". But I THINK the message you're sending me though, is its a PARENTING issue....not mine. I do like the article, but now I feel even more conflicted. Today, our first pink-dress-free day, is going just super. Minor whining got a "you ripped it, its gone" response, and he moved on. Feel relieved. Thanks Nannyde.

[nannyde]

Love this article! Hate this article! Ahhhhhhh... Just kidding. Its VERY insightful, and I do like the idea of all toys and play things at school being "gender-less". But the article makes me feel like returning the dresses and allowing him to be "himself". But I THINK the message you're sending me though, is its a PARENTING issue....not mine. I do like the article, but now I feel even more conflicted. Today, our first pink-dress-free day, is going just super. Minor whining got a "you ripped it, its gone" response, and he moved on. Feel relieved. Thanks Nannyde.

LOL shug

Yes I'm showing you that there are crazy parents out there. The ones in the article made me laugh and think of you.

My guess is the Mama wanted a girl... by the time she got boy two she started her gender fixation... by the time she got THIRD SON she decided to escalate it even further by not revealing he was a girl.

She's getting her crazy on and making it look like there's something special.

Did you watch the cesar video? There are some really good takeaways on that one. Of course it's dog psychology but there are some really good points that can be applied to your situation.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Nannyde, no I haven't watched it yet, my 2007 blackberry isn't capable! Lol! I will watch on my pc over the weekend though. I did like what you said about the group healing him. This is very appealing to me. Kids are very much like a "pack" and I appreciate your thinking of me by sending the Dog Wisperer link! Can't wait to watch it!

[Unregistered]

Hey everyone, I'm sorry to just pop in as an unregistered/unknown person here, but I have to say.. I am a provider also with a small group of kids, I'm also a mother, I'm also someone who knows people that have transgender kids, and someone who is friends with transgender adults. If the child is transgender, there is nothing the mother did, can do, will do, etc, to change it. It sounds as if he is and I think he should just be supported. Teaching him to repress it like you said before Sugar is just going to cause major issues throughout his life, and if his mom is supporting him, good for her! You all make a big difference in these kids' lives - I don't have anything specific to suggest on the whole dress situation, but I do think the whole thing is definitely a sensitive subject and that he should be supported in whatever way he (or she) can be. To be afraid you would lose business over allowing a child to be themselves is a shame, it is our jobs to support children to grow in environment where they feel safe to be who they are so if someone wants to leave over that, I would rather have them leave. I know I'm a little late on this, but when I saw it I couldn't help but want to respond.. Best wishes on this, maybe this article could shed a little light..

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=3088298&page=1

[WImom]

Hey everyone, I'm sorry to just pop in as an unregistered/unknown person here, but I have to say.. I am a provider also with a small group of kids, I'm also a mother, I'm also someone who knows people that have transgender kids, and someone who is friends with transgender adults. If the child is transgender, there is nothing the mother did, can do, will do, etc, to change it. It sounds as if he is and I think he should just be supported. Teaching him to repress it like you said before Sugar is just going to cause major issues throughout his life, and if his mom is supporting him, good for her! You all make a big difference in these kids' lives - I don't have anything specific to suggest on the whole dress situation, but I do think the whole thing is definitely a sensitive subject and that he should be supported in whatever way he (or she) can be. To be afraid you would lose business over allowing a child to be themselves is a shame, it is our jobs to support children to grow in environment where they feel safe to be who they are so if someone wants to leave over that, I would rather have them leave. I know I'm a little late on this, but when I saw it I couldn't help but want to respond.. Best wishes on this, maybe this article could shed a little light..

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=3088298&page=1

I have to totally agree on this. I wasn't sure how to word it so I never posted anything but you said what I've been thinking. I feel mom also needs to get him into see someone that can help him in the long run because when he gets to school he is going to need it.

[nannyde]

Hey everyone, I'm sorry to just pop in as an unregistered/unknown person here, but I have to say.. I am a provider also with a small group of kids, I'm also a mother, I'm also someone who knows people that have transgender kids, and someone who is friends with transgender adults. If the child is transgender, there is nothing the mother did, can do, will do, etc, to change it. It sounds as if he is and I think he should just be supported. Teaching him to repress it like you said before Sugar is just going to cause major issues throughout his life, and if his mom is supporting him, good for her! You all make a big difference in these kids' lives - I don't have anything specific to suggest on the whole dress situation, but I do think the whole thing is definitely a sensitive subject and that he should be supported in whatever way he (or she) can be. To be afraid you would lose business over allowing a child to be themselves is a shame, it is our jobs to support children to grow in environment where they feel safe to be who they are so if someone wants to leave over that, I would rather have them leave. I know I'm a little late on this, but when I saw it I couldn't help but want to respond.. Best wishes on this, maybe this article could shed a little light..

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=3088298&page=1

I don't think Shug had a problem with him being transgendered (if that's what he is). I think she had a problem on him bogarting the pink dress every day all day and setting his happy on the dress up stuff.

Doesn't matter if it was a boy or a girl or a boy who wants to be a girl doing that. It doesn't work for group care.

[Sugar Magnolia]

If the boy is transgender, I'm suppoertive of that, but Nannyde hit the nail on the head. It is, actually WAS, a control issue and an obsession that simply got out of control.
For those following the saga, here's more info. Mom takes Boy X and brother and grandparents to Disney World. The go into a gift shop first to buy him a toy he can hold in the park. He sees a display of Cinderella, etc dresses. He WANTS the dress. Mom says no! A 2 hour meltdown ensues. So she says to me "guess you were right that this is not a good obsession, no more dresses." No kidding, 3 days later, he's got fresh nail polish on. So MOM is NOT helping him! IMO. She is creating more confusion. With the dresses being gone, the obsession disappeared when the dresses did, but "I'm a girl, I am a pretty princess" talk has ramped way up. But he's doing ok.
Nannyde: LOVED the videos!! Very applicable.

[Unregistered]

I understand that the issue about the dress can be separate, but the talk about the nail polish, the "I'm a girl" stuff and all that does have directly to do with his gender identity, and that is not going to go away by being ignored or having "girly" things thrown away/inaccessible to him etc. So, with dresses being gone, expect him to want to express himself in other ways, and all I'm saying is, I think he should be allowed to do so (and yes, guided towards a healthy and comfortable way of doing it than obsessive hoarding of certain toys, etc). But I think the dress thing, with it being so obvious that he seems to identify as a girl, is a matter of - he wants to feel like/be seen as a girl all day, its not JUST a toy for him, its him trying to express his identity.. So, yes more complicated than just any old toy, no he shouldn't be allowed to hoard any one toy or dress up item, but maybe he needs to be given a way to have that feeling fulfilled so that he can play like all the rest of the kids who aren't struggling to be seen as how they feel inside.