Pink Dress Boy Update!

[Lucy]

i've always hated the "area" rule. i DO like "centers" and i think limiting things to certain areas is necessary to an extent (mainly bc if a kid wants to read or rest, they don't want to be surrounded by kids playing Twister). i mean, it would defeat the purpose of having a block area if every single day all of the blocks got carried over to the quiet area (or whatever). but i think being fixated on certain things staying in certain areas and not being allowed to leave those areas not only hinders the kid's imaginations, but causes unnecessary stress for adults. if a kid is playing with blocks and they get an idea like, "hey, we could make this into a crib. lets go get a baby doll," and they're told, "no, the babies have to stay in the housekeeping area." i just have to ask WHY? maybe a kid dresses up like an adult (heels, purse, hat, etc) and decides they want to "go out to dinner" - oh, but they can't have "dinner" in housekeeping bc they have to take off the dress up clothes before they can go to the housekeeping center! i dunno - JMO.

YES! Too many friggin' restrictions. Oy.

[SilverSabre25]

i've always hated the "area" rule. i DO like "centers" and i think limiting things to certain areas is necessary to an extent (mainly bc if a kid wants to read or rest, they don't want to be surrounded by kids playing Twister). i mean, it would defeat the purpose of having a block area if every single day all of the blocks got carried over to the quiet area (or whatever). but i think being fixated on certain things staying in certain areas and not being allowed to leave those areas not only hinders the kid's imaginations, but causes unnecessary stress for adults. if a kid is playing with blocks and they get an idea like, "hey, we could make this into a crib. lets go get a baby doll," and they're told, "no, the babies have to stay in the housekeeping area." i just have to ask WHY? maybe a kid dresses up like an adult (heels, purse, hat, etc) and decides they want to "go out to dinner" - oh, but they can't have "dinner" in housekeeping bc they have to take off the dress up clothes before they can go to the housekeeping center! i dunno - JMO.

See, I waffle on this a little bit...I don't mind it if the Little People get brought over to the blocks to play in a castle or the dolls get brought into the reading corner because it's "story time" or whatever else...but I really, REALLY mind it when they just pick something up and wander aimlessly across the room to drop it somewhere and then move on to something else. Or they fill a dump truck with legos and drive it to the play kitchen, dump the legos into the sink, and fill the truck with play food that then gets dumped into the kitchen. Stuff like that--*that's* where the gigantic annoying mess comes from, not the purposeful kind of play that can come from things getting combined.

So, for the random-type moving, I enforce the "it stays where it belongs" rule, but if they have a reason for it, I overlook it. I also find that the purposeful kind of mixing of toys tends to lead naturally to the child picking it up on their own, where the other kind of mixing is impossible to enforce clean-up when they're done.

[nannyde]

See, I waffle on this a little bit...I don't mind it if the Little People get brought over to the blocks to play in a castle or the dolls get brought into the reading corner because it's "story time" or whatever else...but I really, REALLY mind it when they just pick something up and wander aimlessly across the room to drop it somewhere and then move on to something else. Or they fill a dump truck with legos and drive it to the play kitchen, dump the legos into the sink, and fill the truck with play food that then gets dumped into the kitchen. Stuff like that--*that's* where the gigantic annoying mess comes from, not the purposeful kind of play that can come from things getting combined.

So, for the random-type moving, I enforce the "it stays where it belongs" rule, but if they have a reason for it, I overlook it. I also find that the purposeful kind of mixing of toys tends to lead naturally to the child picking it up on their own, where the other kind of mixing is impossible to enforce clean-up when they're done.

I don't care if they mix toys like that but I have my room divided into littles side and biggins side.

The only rule I have of what must stay is duplo blocks at the duplo table and NOTHING on the tabletop (duplo grids) except for duplos. The tables aren't made anymore so I try to protect them from destruction. They are top heavy and don't need the additional weight. Also when toys are dragged across the grids it creates too much noise.

I don't allow ANY dumping so them filling something up and dumping it into another container doesn't happen here. They would have to take each piece inside the container and put it one by one into the next container.

I don't allow dropping either so they would place whatever they have down onto the floor or back in the container. Clean up here is usually pretty easy. The kids that are nearing two start to balk around that age but we get them thru that and then it's smooth sailing from then on out.

[Qpmomma]

Kids get fixated on all kinds of things. I have a boy cousin who loved dresses, asked for Barbies for Christmas, carried purses, and call chapstick lipstick. He grew out of it, but we didn't care. He's now a typical boy. And you never would have known he ever wore dresses and makeup.

My daughter has both girl and boy toys and if we have a boy he will have both toys as well. It's natural for kids to be interested in things and to role play. My baby sees me talking on the phone and she mimics it with her play phone. So why wouldn't a boy who sees girls play dress up and put on make up do the same?

This boy may grow out of it. It doesn't mean he's gay or trans. It's great to see such a suppirtive community.

[Sugar Magnolia]

The saga continues....

So this week went ok. He was pretty cool about sharing the dress, and not a huge protest over taking it off when he was "done" with it. Some minor whining, but the obsession with the pink dress ITSELF did diminish quite a bit. BUT.....its truly a gender identification issue. He had painted fingernails again (thanks mom), is talking a lot about how he is a princess, how he's going to be a pretty lady when he grows up, Minnie Mouse is better than Mickey, etc.... So a decrease in actual dress wearing, but an increase in discussion of all things girl. Hmmm. We have spent all week basically downplaying these statements. We just say things like. "OK. Its fun to pretend" or "That's nice, go finish your lego castle". I want to be totally neutral and give NO impression of either approval or disapproval. I'm not a psychologist, and its not my place to make judgments, but this boy is who he is and if he's happy, so be it. So the dress stays because he loves it so much, and has hopefully accepted that he can't wear it all day long and HAS to share it. Thanks again to ALL for super advice.

[nannyde]

So this week went ok. He was pretty cool about sharing the dress, and not a huge protest over taking it off when he was "done" with it. Some minor whining, but the obsession with the pink dress ITSELF did diminish quite a bit. BUT.....its truly a gender identification issue. He had painted fingernails again (thanks mom), is talking a lot about how he is a princess, how he's going to be a pretty lady when he grows up, Minnie Mouse is better than Mickey, etc.... So a decrease in actual dress wearing, but an increase in discussion of all things girl. Hmmm. We have spent all week basically downplaying these statements. We just say things like. "OK. Its fun to pretend" or "That's nice, go finish your lego castle". I want to be totally neutral and give NO impression of either approval or disapproval. I'm not a psychologist, and its not my place to make judgments, but this boy is who he is and if he's happy, so be it. So the dress stays because he loves it so much, and has hopefully accepted that he can't wear it all day long and HAS to share it. Thanks again to ALL for super advice.

This sounds about right. I can see that he may be accepting this in a gradual way BUT.. and this is a biggie... he may need to create a storm to balance out the loss he is experiencing by not being able to fixate on it. So be prepared that he may have a meltdown to balance himself out. Just watch for it and get it stopped before he gets to lashing out or harming himself.

I kind of wonder if he is not dressing as a girl at home? I wonder if his Mom isn't having him be a girl at home?????????

If it were my call I would put the dress away and see how he handles it. I would rather escalate it myself and see how it washes out. I would want him to enjoy all of the other things I had to offer. I think the dress takes away from what he is there for.

I would do that whether it was a boy or a girl fixating on the dress. I have a pretty steadfast rule that I don't allow fixation on anything so I don't have kids focusing on one thing. They all can play with all of the other kids and all the toys all the time. Nothing in the environment is singled out day after day. (with the exception of "new" stuff)

Give them a room full of toys and mates and they play equally with everything over a course of a day. I like the BALANCE of that.

[Hunni Bee]

This sounds about right. I can see that he may be accepting this in a gradual way BUT.. and this is a biggie... he may need to create a storm to balance out the loss he is experiencing by not being able to fixate on it. So be prepared that he may have a meltdown to balance himself out. Just watch for it and get it stopped before he gets to lashing out or harming himself.

I kind of wonder if he is not dressing as a girl at home? I wonder if his Mom isn't having him be a girl at home?????????

If it were my call I would put the dress away and see how he handles it. I would rather escalate it myself and see how it washes out. I would want him to enjoy all of the other things I had to offer. I think the dress takes away from what he is there for.

I would do that whether it was a boy or a girl fixating on the dress. I have a pretty steadfast rule that I don't allow fixation on anything so I don't have kids focusing on one thing. They all can play with all of the other kids and all the toys all the time. Nothing in the environment is singled out day after day. (with the exception of "new" stuff)

Give them a room full of toys and mates and they play equally with everything over a course of a day. I like the BALANCE of that.

I do this....when someone fixates on a certain item or activity (has to have possession of it or know where it is at all times, if someone else is using it has to control how they play with, asking about it constantly). It goes away for while. I have a little boy who fixates on the computer. He has to be either using it, looking at it, or being the "computer cop" all the time. When his eight minutes for using it is up, he has a tantrum. When he sees me in the morning his first words to me are, "Can I play the computer?"

So two or three days a week, I leave it off, or we play in the other room. If I allowed him unlimited access to the computer, he would do nothing else.

[Sugar Magnolia]

**poof***

You know, I try to do the right thing and let this boy sort out his gender issues and allow him to wear the darn pink dress. Boy X had a particularly bad drop-off this morning....screaming, crying, banging on floor, walls. He is in the middle of his tantrum and grabs the dress and starts violently putting it on. RRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP. Now I've officially had it. "YOU FIX IT NOW!!!! I NEED MY DRESS! I AM A GIRL!!! I AM A PRINCESS and you FIX my dress so I can be a GIRL NOW!! I HATE BOY CLOTHES!!!!" Dress, matching hat, matching gloves and the pink tu-tu are all snatched up and unceremoniously tossed upstairs in the office. EPIC meltdown ensues. 100 percent ignore the 10 mins of crying about how he needs to be a girl. This child needs a shrink. Period. If he is so convinced he is a girl and NEEDS to wear a dress, I can't help him. I am now mad that the girls who played nice with the dress can no longer enjoy it. They are napping now, my husband has just "disappeared" ALL DRESSES. Wear your moms dresses and play make-up with mom at home. I guess CARING about his gender crisis was the wrong thing to do. I try to be sensitive to a childs needs, but obviously, I failed.

[nannyde]

You know, I try to do the right thing and let this boy sort out his gender issues and allow him to wear the darn pink dress. Boy X had a particularly bad drop-off this morning....screaming, crying, banging on floor, walls. He is in the middle of his tantrum and grabs the dress and starts violently putting it on. RRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP. Now I've officially had it. "YOU FIX IT NOW!!!! I NEED MY DRESS! I AM A GIRL!!! I AM A PRINCESS and you FIX my dress so I can be a GIRL NOW!! I HATE BOY CLOTHES!!!!" Dress, matching hat, matching gloves and the pink tu-tu are all snatched up and unceremoniously tossed upstairs in the office. EPIC meltdown ensues. 100 percent ignore the 10 mins of crying about how he needs to be a girl. This child needs a shrink. Period. If he is so convinced he is a girl and NEEDS to wear a dress, I can't help him. I am now mad that the girls who played nice with the dress can no longer enjoy it. They are napping now, my husband has just "disappeared" ALL DRESSES. Wear your moms dresses and play make-up with mom at home. I guess CARING about his gender crisis was the wrong thing to do. I try to be sensitive to a childs needs, but obviously, I failed.

This (see above) is this:


This sounds about right. I can see that he may be accepting this in a gradual way BUT.. and this is a biggie... he may need to create a storm to balance out the loss he is experiencing by not being able to fixate on it. So be prepared that he may have a meltdown to balance himself out. Just watch for it and get it stopped before he gets to lashing out or harming himself.

[nannyde]

You know, I try to do the right thing and let this boy sort out his gender issues and allow him to wear the darn pink dress. Boy X had a particularly bad drop-off this morning....screaming, crying, banging on floor, walls. He is in the middle of his tantrum and grabs the dress and starts violently putting it on. RRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP. Now I've officially had it. "YOU FIX IT NOW!!!! I NEED MY DRESS! I AM A GIRL!!! I AM A PRINCESS and you FIX my dress so I can be a GIRL NOW!! I HATE BOY CLOTHES!!!!" Dress, matching hat, matching gloves and the pink tu-tu are all snatched up and unceremoniously tossed upstairs in the office. EPIC meltdown ensues. 100 percent ignore the 10 mins of crying about how he needs to be a girl. This child needs a shrink. Period. If he is so convinced he is a girl and NEEDS to wear a dress, I can't help him. I am now mad that the girls who played nice with the dress can no longer enjoy it. They are napping now, my husband has just "disappeared" ALL DRESSES. Wear your moms dresses and play make-up with mom at home. I guess CARING about his gender crisis was the wrong thing to do. I try to be sensitive to a childs needs, but obviously, I failed.

Sugar

You did not fail and I'll tell you why..........

You HAD to go thru this to see it with your own two eyes. The only way to understand fixation is to go thru the cycle of it.

Don't worry about the other kids not having the girl clothes. The GROUP is your only chance to heal him. You can't do it. It has to be the other kids.

Part of being a group of humans is to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. They may not have access to the clothes for a while but it's what's best for him right now and he IS them.... he is a piece of them.

You will be surprised (if the Mom keeps sending him) how the whole group dynamic will change once he balances out. They have to take one for the team right now but if you ALL hang in there he should settle in and get to playin toys and doing group things.

[Country Kids]

This child for some reason is very, very confused. What is sad to me is that the whole group is having to lose the dress up clothes. I would have a meeting with the mom and let her know what is going on. Maybe even return the clothes to the group but not let him play with them till he can learn to behave properly. Also, I can't remember how old he is but what will happen when he goes to school-he will be bullied, laughed at and I can tell you the school won't put up with his "I'm a girl" bit for very long. I think you either need to get very tough on him or explain to the mom that if things to shape up he will have to be termed.

[Live and Learn]

$$$$ Mom needs to buy a new dress up dress for the group. $$$$

Time to talk to mommy. I worry about this little guy because it sounds like mommy is making matters worse with the nail polish. I bet she let's him dress like a princess at home all of the time.

I think it I time to insist on a trip to the therapist.

His behavior is taking away from the quality of your group.

[nannyde]

$$$$ Mom needs to buy a new dress up dress for the group. $$$$

Time to talk to mommy. I worry about this little guy because it sounds like mommy is making matters worse with the nail polish. I bet she let's him dress like a princess at home all of the time.

I think it I time to insist on a trip to the therapist.

His behavior is taking away from the quality of your group.

NO don't buy another dress. NO money from Mom. NO more discussions.

Take the energy away from the dress and put it onto "go play toys".

[Live and Learn]

In my home I would say, "Why should the other well behaved children not get to play with a dress up dress?" :confused:

This is way, way beyond " I only want to play with the red truck, or drink from the pink cup."...or whatever. The child needs a therapist. Just taking away the dress probably won't fix this lil guy. Poor lil fella.

Even if I didn't immediately replace the dress I still would want to be reimbursed for the damage. If one my kiddos broke something at someone's house I would offer to pay. That is just how I was raised.

[daycare]

kids break things all the time. It sounds like this child has some deep confusion in his life and of course has no coping skills of any kind. I would just talk to the parent and let her know what happened. I would not ask for replacement. This poor kid seems to be going through some really hard times and just doesn't know what to do.

Just go on about your day and let him be him...whatever that may be. If he feels comfortable being a girl, then let him. Of course the other kids may see this as wrong, and you should let them feel the way that they do too.

I feel bad for you that you are having to go through this and alone. You really need some parent help and can only get it if you ask them for it.