Not Sharing and New Idea

[Hunni Bee]

My DCGs are in the "exclude and control" phase right now. Two of them have really strong personalities and like to boss the meeker girls and the boys around. They tell them when to play, how to play, who and what to play with, where to stand in line...on and on. I am reminding, "We help our friends, not tell them what to do" all day.

This was where I was lost though. I have some younger 3's and quieter kids who do like to play alone quietly sometimes...with lego's, a puzzle, markers and paper, the computer, etc. About half of them, though, like to play in a big, organized group, with the two girls leading. I tried to discourage this a little, but they like it so I left it alone.

Lately, though, those two have taken to doing this: About 6 or 7 of them will be playing, and the girls will suddenly say "We don't want to play anymore. Everybody go away." Everybody leaves, confused, and theny the girls will resume playing, only letting a choice one or two kids come back and play. What are the others doing? Crying and angry. When I come and ask what happened, they say "We want to play by ourselves". Of course they have the most popular toys and materials. Do I say "No, you cant play by yourselves" (because I know they are doing it because they want to exclude some of the younger and less popular kids) and I don't like this type of behavior...or is it wrong for me to "tell" them how to play?

I came up with this: I will make a couple baskets of toys (probably the more unpopular toys) and if someone says "I want to play by myself", they can do so, but they have to play with those toys. I'll only do this when there's excluding going on, not when someone just want to build a tower without people trampling it . This is only discourage these excluding behaviors....I told the girls I might do this if they didnt stop, but they think THEY will get to pick the toys :: Sorry, sisters...

What do you guys do to encourage your kids to share and not exclude people without controlling their play?

[morgan24]

I don't let anyone exclude anyone else. If I have one that says they want to play by themselves they are the one to leave the group. If there are two of them doing it I make them both leave and find something else to do. I direct their play for them if I notice I have a couple trying to exclude any of the others.

I really like your basket idea. I would call them "your alone basket" and send them to play with them when they want everybody to go away. I would make them play by themselves with a basket until I was ready to let them try to rejoin the group.

[Kaddidle Care]

I wouldn't let so many play together inside. Outside is time for group play. If it's not something you are leading, designate play centers for no more than 2 to play at a time. (I bend the rules to 3 only if they are all getting on well.) If it's a highly desired center set a timer for 5-10 minutes and then they are off to something else so that the others have a chance to play there too.

It works for us for the most part.

[squareone]

Whenever I see/hear excluding, I step in and tell them that everyone plays or no one plays. When they say "We want to play alone" then I usually say "Well this a group play area so if you would like to play alone you can go over to that area and play alone". Just to prove a point they sometimes will go play alone. Then, after about 47 seconds, they say they are ready to rejoin the group. ::

If this should ever fail to work for me, I think I will try your basket idea.

[SilverSabre25]

My DD is doing this right now. I just tell her that it's not okay to exclude people and she has to find a way to play WITH everyone. Usually that does the trick.

I do make a distinction (to myself) between "No, you can't play because we don't like you"-type excluding and "No, you can't play because we're/I'm already involved in this idea and don't want company on it"-type excluding. The first is mean; the second is understandable. I make her use nice words to explain the second scenario.

"No, you can't play because you're a boy"-type excluding isn't allowed either (and I have NO idea where the heck she learned THAT concept...unless it's innate or something).

I do feel for my DD though...she's the oldest kid here by 7 months (and the next oldest after that is 14 months younger than her) and into cooperative play vs. parallel play, where everyone else is just parallel or "destroy whatever the other one is doing" or "it's all MINE!!!!!!!" type play. By Friday she spends a lot of time playing apart from the group up in her room.

[morgan24]

My DD is doing this right now. I just tell her that it's not okay to exclude people and she has to find a way to play WITH everyone. Usually that does the trick.

I do make a distinction (to myself) between "No, you can't play because we don't like you"-type excluding and "No, you can't play because we're/I'm already involved in this idea and don't want company on it"-type excluding. The first is mean; the second is understandable. I make her use nice words to explain the second scenario.

"No, you can't play because you're a boy"-type excluding isn't allowed either (and I have NO idea where the heck she learned THAT concept...unless it's innate or something).

I do feel for my DD though...she's the oldest kid here by 7 months (and the next oldest after that is 14 months younger than her) and into cooperative play vs. parallel play, where everyone else is just parallel or "destroy whatever the other one is doing" or "it's all MINE!!!!!!!" type play. By Friday she spends a lot of time playing apart from the group up in her room.

I like the distinction that you make between being mean and when they are already involved in something. I think I'll try that. Thanks