what do you think about this email and response?

[cheerfuldom]

I wrote this email several days ago to one of my DC parents. It does seem a bit informal but this child has been here for over 18months if I remember right and her parents and I are on very good terms. The kids are invited to each other's birthday parties and they even came to our housewarming party. In general, no major issues or complaints. Their child is adopted and a singleton so a bit spoiled at home. They really really wanted a baby and got a 9month to adopt and I think they are reluctant to let her grow up thus the following issues. The previous issues have all revolved around "baby stuff". Dad sneaking her the bottle when mom and I weaned her, not wanting to start potty training even though she was stripping down here and having accidents, letting the paci get out of hand to where she was over 2 and crying ALL day for one/stealing from the other kids/digging thru diaper bags for one.

Here's the email:

Hey DCM, just wanted to touch base on a few things and get your thoughts.

On the positive side, A gets along quite well with the other children and
especially the babies. I haven't had a moments trouble with her and the two
youngest. She loves to offer toys, start the music and lights on the bouncers
and generally fuss over them like a mother hen. She loves to play outdoors and I know she is looking forward to the nicer weather. She takes instructions very well and there is very little crying or drama from her. The last few days she has really gotten the hang of clean up time and is a much appreciated help to me. A great kid!

Some things I would like to work on and get your thoughts on.....

She still isn't talking that much. I know she can talk but she doesn't readily
choose to use her words. At 2.5 years old, I think we all need to give her that extra push to began talking more regularly. She loves to babble and make noise in general but I would love to see her progress with conversations. I have recently been making an special effort to require her to use her words even though I know what she wants. For instance, she will hand me the baby doll and its little diaper. I know she wants help to dress the doll but I make a point to prompt her to say "help please" instead of automatically doing what I know she would like me to do. This is the first I have come up with this issue since the rest of the kids here have been the opposite, just complete chatterboxes. If you have any further ideas to encourage her speaking, this would be great!


Food has become a bit of an issue. Something I would like to address with you but nothing to be majorly concerned about, if that makes sense. She has always been a bit stubborn at meal times and (dad) made a comment recently that that really hadn't changed much at home. For now, she does eat everything you send but only if I spoon feed her or prompt her every few bites to keep eating. I have let her spoon feed herself the last few days. She made a huge mess and I can't tell if she really doesn't have the skills yet to feed herself or if she just doesn't care to do it correctly or what. At this point, (the two 20 month olds) are surpassing her in this skill and even (6 month old baby) is spoon feeding now. I don't say this to make you feel bad whatsoever, only to point out that feeding herself is a very important skill at daycare and all the more important now that the babies need that attention that comes with spoon feeding. I would like to get your thoughts regarding what we can do to encourage her to master this skill. Beginning maternity leave, I will need her to be able to sit down at lunch time and feed herself. Either she will need to learn how to handle applesauce and other soupy items that you send or she will need alternative food that she can handle (like a cut up sandwich, small pieces of fruit and other finger foods). I know that it has previously been easier for me to just feed her myself rather than clean up the mess or drag out meal time for an hour waiting on her but we have come to a crossroads where neither of those options will continue to work. I will have to devote some time working with the babies as they start solids and
will have the addition of one more child to care for as well. Besides that, it
really is in her best interest to feed herself like a big girl. Again, this is
something we will be working on here at daycare and as always, all of us working as a team will be to her benefit.


Potty training is progressing slowly but surely. I feel she is nearly day
trained except for naps. I am going to make a renewed effort to put her in her big girl panties and reserve the pull ups for naps only. She probably will have a few accidents but it is important that we keep making steps in the right direction. She is getting better at telling me when she has to go and normally I will take her every 45 minutes to an hour whether she asks or not (it was previously every 30 minutes). She does struggle to pull her bottoms up and down and we are working on that so in the future, she can go to the bathroom all by herself. Please make sure to send two complete outfit changes in her bag each day. I feel bad to send her home in clothing that is not her own but the alternative would be to send her home unclothed.....not a good option either!


Also, let me know when you are ready to be rid of the paci completely. It has
been a long time since she got it here at all except for naps. She doesn't get
her puppy and blanket at naps either and I keep forgetting to tell you that you don't have to bring those anymore unless you still want to. She never asks for them during the day and its easier for me to leave them in the bag so I don't forget to send them home. She seems fine with any blanket here so I always make sure to have one in the pack n play for her.


Is she in a big girl bed at home? There is a twin bed for daycare use downstairs in the extra room that will be hers to use whenever you think she is ready. I haven't talked to you in so long about this and I have no idea if she is in a toddler bed at home. I am in no hurry to transition her here since she is perfectly fine in a pack n play but eventually, she will outgrow that of course.


As always, feel free to let me know of anything you are needing from me. I am happy that I feel we can communicate well and work as a team for A's care. I really appreciate you being so approachable and understanding and again, thank you for trusting me with her.


**After not responding for several days, she asks if we can sit down and talk about it this evening. She also included no big girl panties and only one outfit change in her diaper bag where there is normally more clothing (not always) and definitely a few pairs of panties. She has also been sending her to daycare in a diaper, not even a pull up. Potty training has been going on for 6 months at least so I am confused on the diapers all of a sudden. I told her we could sit and chat provided she understood that we may be interupted or cut short entirely by the needs of the other kids. So.....I am sort of getting the feeling that she did not appreciate this email. Hoping for the best because this has been a good relationship so far but a bit worried.

[cheerfuldom]

oh and I sent out my newsletter last night which included a reminder for all parents to respect the drop off and pickup time. They are the worse but not the only ones. Its like at least 5 minutes early each day and late as well. Phone calls after pickup time to say "oh I am running late" (duh) and sometimes it will be as much as 15 minutes or more on either end of the day. She also supposedly changed work hours and kiddo is here an extra 45 minutes a day. This is allowed but still, they are stretching that day out as long as possible. I have never charged a late fee but reminded my parents in my newsletter that that is allowed per my contract and I will resort to it if necessary. I also asked that they stay off the cell phone when at my door. These two are the worse and will sometimes sit in the car in my driveway while we are at the door and kiddo is ready to go. They are still nice and honest parents and I felt that a general reminder would be sufficient but perhaps they are feeling bombarded by stuff from me at this point.

[Meeko]

They could be feeling a bit bombarded....but honestly....too darn bad. It sounds as if you have been very understanding and willing to work with them. They are babying this little girl waaaay to much and need to be told so.

I think your letter was to the point and yet you didn't sound preachy or accusing. However, she may have felt that way because she KNOWS she's babying her child and feels a bit guilty to be called out on it (even thought you did it very tactfully).

Just keep your cheery attitude and talk as if you want to help them all solve these issues. If she does act offended, then tell her that was not the intent, but you would be doing her daughter no favors by not saying anything. You said something because you DO care.

[JenNJ]

Wow. I would feel a bit attacked by that much info in an email from my provider. It just wouldn't sit right with me. The way the email reads to me is that it honestly seems like you are trying to "parent" dcg. It sounds as if a parent wrote this to a dc provider -- not the other way around.

Personally I think this should have been handled in a sit down meeting requested by you. But since that ship has sailed, I think you need to do a bit of damage control at the meeting.

[cheerfuldom]

I see what you are saying Jen. None of these issues were anything new though. We have had sit downs in the past and this was more of touching base in each issue. In fact, every one of these things has been discussed and addressed before and now is the time to re touch base and make sure we continue with the progress. I realize that this is a lot of info in an email but it is very difficult to have a conversation with her when her daughter is also present and we have both resorted to emails so that part shouldn't seem unusual to her. You are right though, I do have a tendency to parent the kids because I get very attached and I do care and likewise, its hard to see the parents doing nothing until they absolutely have to. They would still be bottle feeding this child so eventually, yes, I do have to say something for the group care dynamic and my own sanity. They have yet to approach me about anything regarding their daughter being a big girl, they complain about the baby stuff but never request that I do anything to change it.

[daysofelijah]

Probably TMI all at once. I also wouldn't really bring up what the other kids are doing, nobody wants their kid compared to other kids. I only bring up other kids if they are my own and then only if it is something they did similarly. Like I wouldn't say, my dd was walking and talking by 1 year to the mom who's dd is still not walking and talking at 13 months. That would make her feel bad. But I would say, oh don't worry, my ds didn't walk until 14 months, or something reassuring like that. KWIM?

Next time maybe address one thing at a time? or else have a sit down conference to address everything? Maybe that's what she wants to do.

Some of the things you talked about are things I would just do as part of my job and not need parents input on. Like not using the paci and blanket, they would just stay in the bag all day and not be an issue. Changing the girl out of a pack and play, just do at your discretion. I personally move mine to a mat long before they are out of their cribs at home and they do fine.

Hopefully mom just wants to talk more on the issues you noted.

[cheerfuldom]

I really hate to just start changing major things (like weaning off the paci) without a parents knowledge. I realize that would be easier for me but if I had a child in daycare, I would want to know before transitions like this took place.

[nannyde]

First about the adoption. It's incredibly difficult and expensive to adopt a newborn. Many families resort to state adoption or older kid adoption because they littlerally can't adopt a newborn. This baby may have came to them because she was removed from the bio parents because of abuse, neglect, drugs or whatever. She may have been drug or ETOH exposed.

The parents who want a baby and then get a child that's not a newborn can really really GRIEVE the time they lost with the newborn. They know the child has a time in their life that they know nothing about and never will. They may be purposely extending her babyness because they want the full experience of baby. Even at nine months old they have missed a ton by the time they get her.

So you have to cut them a litttle slack... they may be doing this to fulfill a very deep pain. The older she gets... the further they get away from the honeymoon of being first time parents... the deeper the understanding becomes that they can't unring the bell of the first nine months of them not having her.

The letter was way too much for me. I wouldn't have done all the compliments and deep explaining.

I would have just told them face to face that they need to send chopped up bites of food for her whole meals because she's not managing a spoon at your house and you don't spoon feed kids past tweleve months or so. She's big enough to hand feed her entire meal but would rather just pick up bits... so send bits.

I don't do your potty training method so no advice there. I do it over a couple of days not months. If I thought she was good to go and they weren't doing it I would just get a pack of undies and some spare sweats for my house and right when she arrived I would switch her into my clothes. At the end of the day I would switch her back to her clothes and just do the laundry myself if she has accidents.

I wouldn't have discussed the bed deal. I don't care where they sleep at home. I decide when and where they sleep. What they do at home doesn't affect the kids here in any way.

I don't use binkys so I wouldn't even offer that. I've had kids on binky at home for three/four years who never once had them in their mouth here.

With the speech I would just tell them that she isn't talking much there and ask them how she's doing at home. Kids don't necessarily talk the same amount at each place. If she gets to three and still doesn't talk much then I would ask them to have her assessed. Between now and then I would just do what I normally do.

With the food I would tell them to send bits and give her a half hour to eat. If she eats she eats... if she doesn't she doesn't.

I think most of what you said to them won't really matter. They are going to do whatever is best for them. She may still be on a binky every day all day... drinking bottles... being rocked to sleep... having an adult just for her happiness minute to minute.... spoon fed... in a crib... etc etc.

To me that wouldn't matter. What happens at home stays at home. I don't care what they do with all that stuff. I just do what I do here.

You could really run the risk of them telling you: I want her in a crib at your house. I want her to have her binky every day all day.. she needs it. I want you to spoon feed her... she eats better. I want you to let her carry around her lovey... she needs it for security.

Very risky to write letters like that but you have to learn in your own way what works and doesn't work. They MAY take it well and go your way on things as a partnership but they may also be offended or just say words to you to get you to believe they ARE doing stuff when they are really not.

The late and sitting outside on the phone deal would stop. Tell them they must be on time every day and that calling you when they are already late is still late. They can't be at your house in the driveway and call that on time. The kid has to be picked up and out the door at X time.

[Blackcat31]

I do not mean to sound harsh but that is a lot of information at one time. IMHO, the things you are trying to point out to the dcm are all over the spectrum of age appropraite expectations too. Such as, it is okay for her to be spoon fed and sleep in a PNP, but she needs to be toilet trained and use words more. Those things are developmental and with her age being so young, she will learn to do those things in time with lots of opportunity and support and on her own time line. I don't think any of the things you mentioned are cause for alarm or the need to be assessed for delays.

I applaud the fact that you are trying really hard to work with the parents in their child's development, but I really don't think you guys are on the same page if they are treating her so differently than you....the things you brought up are things I would expect a parent to talk to their provider about doing not the other way around. I am sure you only have this child's best interest's at heart but as a parent, I would be a little upset and hurt about my provider "assessing" my child and then sending me an e-mail pointing it all out.

[cheerfuldom]

thanks for your thoughts nanny. I have been with them through the entire adoption process and I fully understand their reasoning behind the way they treat her. I have cut them a lot of slack with this understanding but at a certain point, enough is enough as far as daycare is concerned (like when I had to say no paci except at nap time due to the huge amount of drama it was causing here). For her, what she does at home does affect us here at daycare so having one thing at home and one thing here, in general, doesn't sit well with this particular child. I realize that my major fault as a provider is getting over invested or over involved with the family and sometimes that does not come off in a good way. This was my attempt to not pick too many battles because this honestly is a good family (compared to my previous families) and I would rather have their input and happiness before things turned into a "term or don't term" type situation. I don't currently have the luxury to be super firm with every single policy because I have a small group here and cannot afford to lose anyone so close to my maternity leave. It will be very difficult if not impossible to find a family willing to start when I am closing down and then transitioning to a full time assistant in 6 weeks with the baby's birth.

[Live and Learn]

I WOULD NEVER! EVER! EVER! HAVE SENT THAT EMAIL.

When you send a letter like this the parents will read it over and over and over again....obsessing about it.

I have a back bone and prefer to communicate important info like this face to face.

Never compare your daycare kids to each other in front of parents. NO PARENT wants their 2 year old compared to a six month old.

I wouldn't be surprised if these parents rethink their daycare provider. The letter over all is quite negative. Even when you praise their child you do so by talking about how well she interacts with babies rather than her peers. While this info might be true it comes across condescending in my opinion.

[godiva83]

I think it is in a parents nature to get defensive when it comes to their child- and she may have gotten her back up over this email as it more or less says 'A' is not at an age appropriate developmental level with speech, self help skills and social skills. I do believe it is important to tell the parents how you feel and perhaps share expectations and ideas on how to encourage changes, like you did, but with these types of parents perhaps you have to be more sensitive as they have adopted and can not have another child (?)
I agree with PP and think you may have to do a bit of damage control, and like you did stress all the good things she does, like in the beginning of your email.
Also, we have to remember that words, feelings and thoughts expressed through email and type can be taken much differently than if you were to sit down and talk it out!
You may want to say something like, "wow I reread my email I sent to you- and it came off a bit different then I wanted." I am sure you can say all the things you did in the email to her in person, and it will be taken in a whole new way. KWIM

[cheerfuldom]

black, thanks for your thoughts as well. we posted at the same time. I am not trying to say that she needs all of these things mastered. Obviously kids develop at a certain rate and this is my attempt to make sure they know what is going on here and what we are still working on. I never meant to imply that they HAVE to do such and such at home but wanted to let them know what we are doing here (such as encouraging self feeding. I would think it normal for a 2.5 year old to use a spoon) It does seem easier just to do whatever I need to here and leave parents out of the loop, which is more and more of what I am getting towards, but I just hate to have to be that way. Daycare ****s some times.

[Blackcat31]

black, thanks for your thoughts as well. we posted at the same time. I am not trying to say that she needs all of these things mastered. Obviously kids develop at a certain rate and this is my attempt to make sure they know what is going on here and what we are still working on. I never meant to imply that they HAVE to do such and such at home but wanted to let them know what we are doing here (such as encouraging self feeding. I would think it normal for a 2.5 year old to use a spoon) It does seem easier just to do whatever I need to here and leave parents out of the loop, which is more and more of what I am getting towards, but I just hate to have to be that way. Daycare ****s some times.

You are so right about that!! LOL!! Getting so invested in every family and not knowing where to draw the line was probably the biggest thing I struggled with when I first opened. It was hard not to let the lines blur between my responsibilty and the parents responsibility. Over time, I feel as though I have become a lot more professional, more business savvy and yet sometimes a bit cold (for lack of a better word) but when I look back now at the many families and kids I have provided services for, I always try to remember that I was successful because I did MY job and not the parents' job.

[missnikki]

cheerfuldmom,

Just to give you my thoughts on this:

On the positive side, you have been making the effort to consistantly give quality care to your littles. I haven't got anything to complain about regarding your dedication to your kids. Overall, you are an asset to them while their parents are away- a real blessing!

Some things I would like to mention get your thoughts on.....

You're saying a lot about how you feel about the kids, but you are new to this forum and we don't all know you and your methods very well yet. After a couple of months on here, I think that you will develop a persona that we will get to know better. I think if you keep asking, you will find the other members to be quite helpful. For instance, by copying an email to a parent with the subject 'What do you think'? I will wait until you PM me to post a response instead of automatically doing what I know you would like me to do. This is the first I have come up with this issue since the rest of the members here have been the opposite, just complete chatterboxes. If you have any further questions to ask, this would be great!

Ok, ok...you KNOW I don't really feel this way at ALL. I'm just making a point- you cannot get a feel for true intonation and intention with emails/posts (as we all can relate to!) so my real opinion is that you should talk to her in person. Discuss progress and log it for yourself so you are well prepared at the time. Ask questions in person.
I also like the suggestion of damage control, by saying you had re-read the email and thought it may have been misconstrued.