DCM Boundaries

[Sunshine69]

I should say this surprises me, but it doesn’t.

Dcm needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, drop-offs and pick-ups are to be done at your daycare entrance only. Your personal living quarters are off-limits to daycare kids and parents. Violation of this policy will result in immediate termination.

Add it to your written policy, if it isn’t already there, and have DCPs sign and date a statement that they have received and agree to your updated policy.

[Alwaysgreener]

I feel for you, this is stuff that my sister will pull and she is bi polar. She doesn't get it when I tell her that there has to be a line, she disagrees with me and tells me that there shouldn't be a line blah blah.

My advice is rinse and repeat.

If she goes to the front door continue to ignore her. Start out side pick up and drop off. (My dcp text pick up and drop off from their car and then send the older kids and bring the younger ones to my door.) Beat her to the door, work your schedule so that you can greet her at the door before she gets out of the car. (Get a drive alarm, they have good inexpensive ones at harbour freight online)

Play outside at pick up time. Have the kid packed and ready to go with there things out side with you. Lock your deadbolts when you are outside/ leave a note on the door. "We are out back playing, bags all packed." Then meet the at the gate, if you have one.

Just keep blocking her, rinse and repeat.

She like my sister just thinks of herself and how there should be no rules for her, even if there is rules for others.

[Meeko]

This woman would creep me out and be asked to leave. I have enough to do with kids who like not to listen. I won't deal with adults that behave the same way.

[MyAngels]

I agree with PP, this is creepy. Just term her and be done with it.

[Pestle]

I'm not a fan of making additional rules and sending notes to the whole group every time one person has an undesirable behavior. It needs to be said just to them, in private, with no arguing or negotiation. Pick a phrase, like one of these:

"This daycare is inside my home, and you are not respecting my home when you linger, poke around, and exit the daycare space. You are welcome here, in the designated space, long enough to drop off and pick up."

And after that: "You are welcome here, in the designated space, long enough to drop off and pick up."

And if you have to repeat it again, or if she argues, terminate care.

[coloradoprovider]

Boy, she is a stubborn one. I agree that a general letter isn't the way to go, it sounds like she'll ignore that too. In her case, the fewer words the better. Much like a child, too much explanation gets lost in the message. Short messages "pickup and dropoff at other door please" "the rest of my home is private." When she tries to enter the rest of your home, "Stop, that's private." If she can't get it, she needs to gol

[delferka]

Some parents are so weird! Since Covid began, everything has changed in my house. Parents are allowed in my front entry with their children one family at a time with a mask. That's is far as they go. They leave their child and the next parent comes in. It keeps the morning conversations to a minimum as well. As far as all of her rules, just yes her to death and kick her out! ::

I have this DCM who just constantly rubs me the wrong way. It's not even anything that bad, it's just that every interaction with her always leaves me going "Wait... What??"

One big thing is that she seems weirdly obsessed with being in my house. We use the back door for daycare and you get to the playroom right from that entrance. There is no need for anyone (parent or child) to go into the rest of the house. It is a completely separate section of the house and closed off from the rest by lockable doors. This Mom insisted on showing up at my front door even after numerous reminders to use the back door. You have to walk through the entire house to get to the playroom coming in that way. After the first two times I started answering the front door with my shoes on and walking her back outside and around to the back door. Both times we walked through the house, she put her child down and attempted to follow behind them when they ran off the main hall and tried to go running around my living and dining rooms. She carries the child everywhere every other time. I don't even understand what the issue could be as the back door is at the end of the driveway, just a couple feet from where she parks her car to do drop off. She literally was parking, then carrying the kid and all their stuff all the way around the side of the house and up the big front porch and then walking through my entire house, dropping off, then trying to get me to let her walk through my house again to leave. She actually tried to "argue" when I told her to leave through the back door and she paused, sighed, then gave in when I explained that she couldn't walk through my whole main floor again, alone, because she wouldn't be able to lock the front door behind her.

Even during our first interview, when she was leaving she stopped to look in the closet beside the playroom (it was locked and she unlocked it) and when she came to drop off the paperwork she asked to use the washroom. She lives less than 5 minutes away but ok... So I walked her to the bathroom and returned to the playroom and was waiting with all her paperwork to bring home. She seemed to be taking a while so when I went to check on her, I found her and her child sitting on my couch, reading a book from my own child's (non-daycare) stash of toys! She at least looked a little sheepish and said her child ran off so she went to get them and that this was their favourite book. (I took the book and said that the rest of the house wasn't child-proofed so we don't bring the children on this side).

But 6 months in, it's still happening. She's showed up to the front door a few more times and I've ignored the knocking and just told her come to the back when she's called/texted for me to open the door. There was one time when the child was having a meltdown at drop off and I said come, we'll wave at mommy through the window. This one was strange because the mom went from looking sad that her child was having a tough time to just absolutely beaming and was like "Ya! Wave in the window!" but when I carried the child to the window, the mom visibly hunched down looking disappointed and was like "Oh, not the living room window?". Like... What? That's at the front of the house and part of my PERSONAL SPACE.

She also asked that I let the child lay on my couch and watch TV one day when they were having (another) bad day. I don't really do screen time but they were the only one there that day. I said I had a little tv I could bring into the playroom and mom was like "Oh, uh well. She likes the big screen. And the couch will make her feel more at home." I reminded her that we don't use my personal home space during daycare hours and again, she visibly hunched down and looked disappointed.

Then, the other day we were playing outside when Mom showed up. She came to the fence and said she was going to get her kid's stuff and she'd be right back. After way too long, I grabbed the kids and we were just getting inside when the mom was coming through my side door. She said that she was just watching her kid through the kitchen windows. Just, why???? You could see them from the cubby area windows or even just come outside to see them. Why go through my house?!

She's also repeatedly asked that her child sleep in a separate room for naptime, away from everyone else. We don't have any naptime issues but she says they have trouble sleeping at home because of the other kids being there at naptime...? Every time I offer to set up their bed in the entrance/mudroom as it's separated by a door and I could just put up curtains in the window. Every time she suggests I use one of the bedrooms in the house, instead. And every time I decline and explain that I need to be able to supervise everyone and I can't have one kid alone on another floor on the other side of my pretty large house. So she says nevermind, it's fine. Until the next time she asks.

She also tried suggesting that I allow her 18 month old to eat at my dining room table as they're trying to get the child used to that at home. I double checked because I thought she had said the child still used a high chair at home (and ate in front of the TV) and she said yes, but they wanted to try to start eating at a table. I said awesome, because I have a toddler table that I use with the kids her age and the little chairs are perfect for table practice. She asked if I could put the table in the dining room and again I had to flatly say we don't use the home space during the day.

I understand that she might want to get a feel for the space her child is in during the day, but I also feel I've made it very clear that my home and my business are separate. The doors stay closed and the children are in the daycare spaces only. I just can't think of any other reason why she'd always be trying to get herself or her child into my personal spaces.

Humbly, my daycare space is great! It's all developmentally appropriate, inviting, clean and everything is in good working condition. Everyone walks in and is like "wow, this space is amazing!" so why is this one lady so obsessed with the rest of my house?!

[Sunshine69]

We have enough loss of privacy already with licensors poking into our homes telling us what we have to and can’t do when kids are and are not present.

While I can understand a parent wants to know that where they’re sending their child to is clean and well-maintained, they’ll have to make that judgement based on the appearance of the outside of our home and our daycare space.

Even landlords get the benefit of requesting references when renting a place. We don’t get to go to a family’s house to see how they live so we can judge whether we want them in our homes or not.

Unlocking a locked closet would be a real concern for me. I’d be afraid she was trying to steal something.

[Unregistered]

OP here

Thanks to everyone for the great advice! I was mostly just ranting but it's nice to see others find it as unacceptable as I do and that I'm not being overly sensitive.

I stopped answering the front door after giving her those initial reminders. I thought about putting a sign on the door but she's the only one that "forgets". I also try to keep my home and daycare separate and decided against ruining my front porch decor for one intrusive parent. She's called a few times and I've told her to come to the daycare door and then hung up before she could try to change my mind. I don't give into her.

The daycare is separate from the house and I keep the doors locked. The time she went and snooped through my kitchen I had left the door open because the windows were open and letting fresh air in. I had a baby gate to keep the kids out but I hadn't been expecting her to miss the visual cue. I usually (and since) make sure that door is locked when I'm done with it so it was just silly that she seemed to have leapt at the first opportunity she found to invade my personal space.

I've started locking the door when we go outside too. It feels silly because we're right there and you have to go through my gate to get to the door anyway but obviously this lady needs very direct signals. She showed up again while we were outside and I asked her to wait while I got her daughter's things. She tried to open the door anyway (it was locked) and I told her again to wait, I'd get the stuff. She tried to follow me in and ended up standing awkwardly in the doorway, holding the door open when I kept my body in her way. I had to actually say "excuse me" and wait for her to back up when I tried to walk back out.

I just don't get her obsession with being in my home!

There have also been a couple times that she's picked up late and I've met her on the porch with the door locked and her kid ready to go and she's tried to get back inside. She's claimed that she wanted to check the menu for the next day, wanted to check out her kid's art, that she wanted to "check something else"... I've never allowed her back in and actually did end up adding a part of the handbook saying that once the daycare hours ended, all belongings left behind and in-person communications are forfeited until the next day (she tried to get in for a "lost toy" a few times even when I knew it hadn't been brought to daycare - I have a no toys from home policy).

I'm actually a lot more direct with this mom than anyone else. After the sit on my couch and play with my toys thing happened before she even started, I haven't been too worried about making her want to leave. I don't like confrontation but I don't know... Maybe I'm on some weird power trip because I think I actually enjoy being able to tell her no. Honestly, it just feels like another one of my kids that I just have to work a little harder to set up for success and limit opportunities for misbehavior

[Alwaysgreener]

OP here

Thanks to everyone for the great advice! I was mostly just ranting but it's nice to see others find it as unacceptable as I do and that I'm not being overly sensitive.

I stopped answering the front door after giving her those initial reminders. I thought about putting a sign on the door but she's the only one that "forgets". I also try to keep my home and daycare separate and decided against ruining my front porch decor for one intrusive parent. She's called a few times and I've told her to come to the daycare door and then hung up before she could try to change my mind. I don't give into her.

The daycare is separate from the house and I keep the doors locked. The time she went and snooped through my kitchen I had left the door open because the windows were open and letting fresh air in. I had a baby gate to keep the kids out but I hadn't been expecting her to miss the visual cue. I usually (and since) make sure that door is locked when I'm done with it so it was just silly that she seemed to have leapt at the first opportunity she found to invade my personal space.

I've started locking the door when we go outside too. It feels silly because we're right there and you have to go through my gate to get to the door anyway but obviously this lady needs very direct signals. She showed up again while we were outside and I asked her to wait while I got her daughter's things. She tried to open the door anyway (it was locked) and I told her again to wait, I'd get the stuff. She tried to follow me in and ended up standing awkwardly in the doorway, holding the door open when I kept my body in her way. I had to actually say "excuse me" and wait for her to back up when I tried to walk back out.

I just don't get her obsession with being in my home!

There have also been a couple times that she's picked up late and I've met her on the porch with the door locked and her kid ready to go and she's tried to get back inside. She's claimed that she wanted to check the menu for the next day, wanted to check out her kid's art, that she wanted to "check something else"... I've never allowed her back in and actually did end up adding a part of the handbook saying that once the daycare hours ended, all belongings left behind and in-person communications are forfeited until the next day (she tried to get in for a "lost toy" a few times even when I knew it hadn't been brought to daycare - I have a no toys from home policy).

I'm actually a lot more direct with this mom than anyone else. After the sit on my couch and play with my toys thing happened before she even started, I haven't been too worried about making her want to leave. I don't like confrontation but I don't know... Maybe I'm on some weird power trip because I think I actually enjoy being able to tell her no. Honestly, it just feels like another one of my kids that I just have to work a little harder to set up for success and limit opportunities for misbehavior

OP this is great. I hear ya on loving telling her no, I love it too, it is like a buzz/high when you are assertive and don't back down. When she leaves you may miss that feeling, haha but not her.

She is like one of the kids and she is harder to deal with because she's an adult that has long past the chance for all this to click. Like I said rinse and repeat is all that you can do.

Keep doing what you are doing and come back and update us.

[Josiegirl]

Good for you for standing up to her and her demands. I cannot wrap my head around someone who thinks and acts like that. :confused: Do they think you're hiding something? Does she want to find something incriminating? Is she that desperate to know what goes on in her child's life all day long? Is she completely nosey generally? I just don't understand it. Unlocking your closet took some balls.

I had 1 dcm that crossed a few boundaries and thankfully she didn't last long. She was very controlling except when it came to her dd; she let her dd do anything she wanted to. Yep, not a favorite dcm.

[Cat Herder]

For most of these young Mom's it is the first time they taste power. More than likely it will be the only perceived power they hold. Being "Mom" suddenly gives them a sense of accomplishment that they have not actually earned. It is culturally based. Until they had a kid, they were like everyone else. Suddenly "Mom knows best" rhetoric makes them feel exalted.

Same reason small people are rude to wait staff and housekeepers.

[Rockgirl]

For most of these young Mom's it is the first time they taste power. More than likely it will be the only perceived power they hold. Being "Mom" suddenly gives them a sense of accomplishment that they have not actually earned. It is culturally based. Until they had a kid, they were like everyone else. Suddenly "Mom knows best" rhetoric makes them feel exalted.

Same reason small people are rude to wait staff and housekeepers.

Right! And the mommy message boards & blogs tell them to do these things.

[Alwaysgreener]

Right! And the mommy message boards & blogs tell them to do these things.

You got this, you are a great mamma.

You know best.

[Hunni Bee]

This is one of the more baffling things I’ve heard :confused::confused: I’ve seen tons of parents behaving badly but this seems to have no cause or endgame. Just weird engagement and boundary-pushing.

Like someone else said, she probably read on some dumb mommy blog that in-home dcps should treat her and her child like “family” and her poor baby is being “cheated” by being relegated to one back room ::. Gross.