Advice About an Easily Upsettable Mom & A Sticky Situation

[Unregistered]

i'm a teacher's assistant in the 2's room at my daycare and have been for about four months now. i'd like to think i have a good grasp on who my kids are and how all their families work. one little girl, in particular, has a mom who can be very strict about her daughter and procedures, etc. most of which comes with good reason. recently she asked us to stop sending things home with her on days in which dad's mom (grandma) picks her up for weekends with dad. an incident happened where school pictures got sent home w/ her on dad's weekend and grandma hid the pictures from mom in an attempt to keep them for herself. so, after said incident, mom told us to only send the girl home in the clothes on her back and the coat she came with. this i completely understand.



however, this little girl is extremely possessive of her things, and mom has a habit of bringing her to class with small trinkets like lip gloss or dolls because it's the only thing that gets her out the door in the morning. usually, we'll set whatever is in her cubby aside when grandma comes to pick up so the girl won't see it and become upset when she's told she can't take what's in her cubby (moments like these are when she'll become extremely unsettled and begin throwing a fit that includes kicking, screaming, and biting). it was my honest mistake of pulling out her cubby this afternoon to grab her coat, only to realize she had a few trinkets including a lip gloss and boots hiding underneath. she did wind up seeing them, and after insisting her mom would take them home for her, the little girl (with grandma watching) began to scream and hit consistently until i finally let her have the boots (all the while, grandma seemed very unamused in how upset her granddaughter was. grandma also doesn't know about the whole request of not sending things with her).



mom is a very vocal woman and has even complained to our director about everyone giving her "dirty looks" when she walks in the building, so naturally i've been breaking out in a nervous / stressful rash just thinking about the hell i'm going to pay monday when mom realizes the boots aren't in her cubby. i have absolutely no excuse being i knew not to send things home with her, but it was absolutely my last resort after offering her anything else possible like stickers and praise for other things. she simply would not budge as she sat flailing and red-faced. had i known she had other contents in her cubby i would have set them elsewhere to avoid it all together.



i guess i'm just concerned about the repercussions of the situation being mom will very likely speak with my director about it. i plan to bring it up to her monday morning when i come in for my shift, but what do you all think?

[lovemykidstoo]

I think the mother is putting you in the middle of a bad situation. I would tell mom that you can't be involved in family disputes. That is not your job. Not to mention, you could tell mom, well I had to give her the items because she was throwing a fit. You know, the same reason you let her bring them here. If the rule is not to bring other things in, then mom has to abide by that. Are the parents divorced?

[Pestle]

This is nonsense. ( what she is doing, not what you are saying.) If this were a family daycare, none of us would allow this woman to send in little trinkets and things in order to make it easier for her to get her own child out the door, and then demand that you keep them because she has a tiff going on with the person who is picking up.

Also, in a family day care setting, most of us would not tolerate a child who is kicking and biting. I know that it's different in a care center setting, where employees are forced to deal with behavioral issues in order to keep the parents income coming in because of what the director has decided to put up with. However, you are talking about rewarding a child for bad behavior. She is learning that biting and kicking adults will get her what she wants. You are even sweetening the pot by offering stickers at other concessions. You need to work with your room teacher to implement a more successful behavioral plan.

You need to talk with the person in charge of the room and see if you can implement a better practice than letting this woman walk all over you and then blame you for it. If she has been accusing everyone at the daycare giving her dirty looks when she walks in the door, everyone either already knows she is paranoid and controlling and has social issues, or everyone already can't stand her and is genuinely giving her dirty looks. I hope you can find some allies and some direction from your coworkers and superiors.

[racemom]

I would tell mom on Monday you let her take the boots, because she was throwing a huge tantrum. I would also let mom know from now on anything in her cubby will be sent with the pick up person, because you cannot have her child kicking and screaming at pick up and so she should not send anything that should not go home with grandma.

Don't let one parent stress you out! She is trying to control you and your room, and that needs to stop.

[Unregistered]

This is nonsense. ( what she is doing, not what you are saying.) If this were a family daycare, none of us would allow this woman to send in little trinkets and things in order to make it easier for her to get her own child out the door, and then demand that you keep them because she has a tiff going on with the person who is picking up.

Also, in a family day care setting, most of us would not tolerate a child who is kicking and biting. I know that it's different in a care center setting, where employees are forced to deal with behavioral issues in order to keep the parents income coming in because of what the director has decided to put up with. However, you are talking about rewarding a child for bad behavior. She is learning that biting and kicking adults will get her what she wants. You are even sweetening the pot by offering stickers at other concessions. You need to work with your room teacher to implement a more successful behavioral plan.

You need to talk with the person in charge of the room and see if you can implement a better practice than letting this woman walk all over you and then blame you for it. If she has been accusing everyone at the daycare giving her dirty looks when she walks in the door, everyone either already knows she is paranoid and controlling and has social issues, or everyone already can't stand her and is genuinely giving her dirty looks. I hope you can find some allies and some direction from your coworkers and superiors.

you are absolutely right that i am doing no better in discouraging her outrageous fits and behavior that has been no less than encouraged by mom. i won't even deny that i did fall into that trap at the time being because i was more concerned about what grandma thought that what the right thing to do would have been. i did question my own reaction afterwards and realize this won't help the situation improve.

[Unregistered]

the situation overall is an unfortunate one, and being this little girl is exclusively one of the worst in the class when it comes to behavior and acting out, it's even more so because of the lack of control we have over it. i find a little relief in knowing you all agree that mom has stuck us in the middle of such a sticky situation. not only does she encourage her daughter getting whatever she wants, but she refuses to hear us out when we try and discuss some missteps in her daughter's treatment of others around her (i.e, the hitting and biting). i by no means think my actions in offering her praise to calm her down right by any means, but i think in the moment i let grandma's standing and staring persuade me more than my ability to teach her a lesson in how to properly act. thanks for all the response so far, i'll take it to work with me on monday and hold my head high!

[Unregistered]

I think the mother is putting you in the middle of a bad situation. I would tell mom that you can't be involved in family disputes. That is not your job. Not to mention, you could tell mom, well I had to give her the items because she was throwing a fit. You know, the same reason you let her bring them here. If the rule is not to bring other things in, then mom has to abide by that. Are the parents divorced?

yes, mom & dad are separated. every other weekend grandma on dad's side picks up for dad's weekends

[Meeko]

Let Mom know that you refuse to be put in the middle of family disputes. You are paid to take care of the child, not be a mediator. If she doesn't want items to go with grandma...then don't send them to daycare with the child.

[flying_babyb]

I would also let mom know from now on anything in her cubby will be sent with the pick up person, because you cannot have her child kicking and screaming at pick up and so she should not send anything that should not go home with grandma..

This! I did this with a divorced set of parents. Stuff would go to dads and disappear. Mom stopped sending nice stuff on dads week. Most of the time when comming on a dad pick up day, he wouldnt have mittens, hat ect. Mom knew we would take care of him out of our extras.

[knoxmomof2]

I'm small (4 children) , license exempt. I had this happen once. The girl was old enough that I could say "that's a Mommy toy" if she wanted to take it to Daddy's. We would talk about it before Dad came so that it was handled. If it did come up with Dad, I would just say "Mommy said it's supposed to stay here". I was also new to working with a split couple, so have definitely learned some new guidelines I need to use in the future.

In your situation, since you're talking about a 2 year old and a Grandparent who hasn't been made aware of Mom's decision, Mom needs to either stop sending items that the child can't take with her or let them go with her. You guys are really being put in the middle. Good luck!