"I Love You"

[DaveA]

I have a DCG that says "I love you" to me a few times a week. I always respond "I'm pretty fond of you too" because frankly I don't get that attached to DCKs. She (and any other DCK I've said it to) has always found it funny or been satisfied with my answer. DCG is now getting confused and annoyed/ sad I won't say "I love you too" back to her. This started a couple weeks ago. She's been in my program for over a year, so it's not like this is something new. Anybody dealt with this before? This is a new one to me.

[Ariana]

I always say “I love you too” because a kid NEEDS to hear that from their caregiver and there is not enough love in the world!!! Even if you don’t quite feel it I don’t see the harm in it

[CalCare]

I used to feel weird about that with DCKs and I didn't want to say it back. Then, over time, I expanded my definition of the word "love". Now I do say it to them and I don't feel unauthentic at all. I think it just depends on what the word means to you. And if it means something so much deeper or greater than you can feel for a DCK, then you're just being honest by not using it with them. I can see how some could feel it's very harsh not to say it back to a child, but faking love feels awful.
I think, if you prefer to stay with "fond of you too", you should. And when child acts put out, or says they are put out by it, just say something like, "Everyone has different feelings and chooses different words. This is how I like to say I care about you! I only say "love" to my family." And leave it at that. It's a boundary for you and you don't have to let them force you to say something you don't want to say. I think if you firmly hold that boundary the DCK will drop the testing because she will see you aren't changing your mind. It feels harsh because it looks like denying "love" on the surface. But it's not. You still feel the same and treat her the same whether that word is used or not.
My family never ever used that word growing up. I don't remember missing it at all. I remember thinking it was odd when I saw it used so much by other people! Now that I am a parent I do use it with my own kids all the time. 😊

[Blackcat31]

I always say “I love you too” because a kid NEEDS to hear that from their caregiver and there is not enough love in the world!!! Even if you don’t quite feel it I don’t see the harm in it

I disagree.

I don't love my daycare kids and I don't feel obligated to have to tell them I care about them either.

My DH gets told "I love you" alot by some of the little girls I have but he just says "Thank you!" and doesn't say anything in return about loving them or liking them.

I don't like that kids (or anyone for that matter) feel as if someone has to return the sentiment just because someone said it first. Thank you suffices pretty well.

I am all for supporting children's healthy development and growth but hearing "I love you" from a caregiver isn't something that is necessary.

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.

[hwichlaz]

Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love

[Ariana]

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.

Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.

[Blackcat31]

Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love

No.

Does that make me a bad provider? ::

I don't do this because I love kids.
I started this because I love MY child.
I stay because I make good money but not because I love kids.

I think love and business are two different things and I think it's wrong to equate one to the other.

All the kids in my care are safe, secure and comfortable. I provide a safe consistent environment for the children when in my program. I care about them but that isn't the same as love. To me LOVE is a deep and complicated emotion and one I choose to share with those in my personal life.

Just as a regular employee "cares" about their co-workers and people they work with on a day to day basis, I feel the same about the children here. I care if something happens in their life, good and bad but love still doesn't play a role in that.

I'd care if something happened to you. I've "known" (virtually) you for a while now but I don't love you. lovethis

Hoping that makes sense.

[Blackcat31]

Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.

This is true but it also lends to negating or watering down the meaning of the words.
Just like when we (general we, as providers) say "Good job!" for everything a kid does.

It loses it's meaning.

[Ariana]

This is true but it also lends to negating or watering down the meaning of the words.
Just like when we (general we, as providers) say "Good job!" for everything a kid does.

It loses it's meaning.

So if I say I love you to many people it means the word loses it’s meaning? Or because you withhold saying it, it somehow it means more when you do say it? I don’t think saying I love you back to a kid who says it to you is the same as “good job”. I feel like you are implying that my love is not as awesome as yours because I give it freely. Caring, fondness, endearment are all synonyms of love and love can have varying degrees within your heart.

We will just have to agree to disagree

[Blackcat31]

So if I say I love you to many people it means the word loses it’s meaning? Or because you withhold saying it, it somehow it means more when you do say it? I don’t think saying I love you back to a kid who says it to you is the same as “good job”. I feel like you are implying that my love is not as awesome as yours because I give it freely. Caring, fondness, endearment are all synonyms of love and love can have varying degrees within your heart.

We will just have to agree to disagree

I am not saying your love is or isn't anything.

I am explaining how I view "love"

Sharing MY personal views of love has no bearing on how you view love.
My thoughts shouldn't give or take value from yours.
I don't have that kind of power.

If I say peanut butter is yucky, it doesn't negate that you might think peanut butter it the best!
My view on peanut butter doesn't play into whether you like it or not. It also doesn't make peanut butter better tasting or somehow more special just because I personally don't like it.
(I do by the way, I am just using peanut butter in place of love...! :

[Ariana]

I am not saying your love is or isn't anything.

I am explaining how I view "love"

Sharing MY personal views of love has no bearing on how you view love.
My thoughts shouldn't give or take value from yours.
I don't have that kind of power.

If I say peanut butter is yucky, it doesn't negate that you might think peanut butter it the best!
My view on peanut butter doesn't play into whether you like it or not. It also doesn't make peanut butter better tasting or somehow more special just because I personally don't like it.
(I do by the way, I am just using peanut butter in place of love...! :

I didn’t say you had any power over how I feel about this topic. You’re not that awesome BC I was simply playing devils advocate to what you were implying lovethis

Peanut butter rocks ::

[Baby Beluga]

Are the parents concerned or complaining or just DCG?

I think I would just say "Thank you!" or "Thank you! I care about you too Susie!" when the DCG says it. If she asks why you don't say the word love, I think I would redirect or say something along the lines of "I choose to say care instead of love." Then redirect about whatever activity she is doing at that moment. Rinse and repeat.

If the parents are concerned or complaining as to why you aren't responding to DCG with the word "love" then I would just explain to them that you care about all of your enrolled children but choose to reserve the word love for your own family. Side note, I think I'd have to keep a straight face while explaining that to a parent. Who in their right mind would ask or get offended?

FWIW: I don't say I you love or love you to many. I tell my own children daily. DH and I verbally say it...never? Lol. We both grew up in households where I love you/love you wasn't said at all so it become awkward and vulnerable to say it ourselves, as adults. I have known my MIL since 2008 and she just started saying love you to me this year. At first it felt very strange saying it back, and for while I didn't. But then I thought about it and I truly do care about, and even love, this woman. She sends me a daily word/good morning text each day and finishes by saying "love you."

[Josiegirl]

I didn’t say you had any power over how I feel about this topic. You’re not that awesome BC I was simply playing devils advocate to what you were implying lovethis

Peanut butter rocks ::

Now that we're all in agreement about peanut butter(and it's a good thing too!!!!)I have to say I always felt weird telling dcks that I love them. And there are definitely some from my past I'm thankful I never said those words to. But I do, in fact, love the children I have in my care right now. So I tell them. They can be maddening, irritating, annoying as all get out, but I let them know I love them here and am glad they're here with me every day(Thank God for weekends though ). IMO, there are different levels or love, different levels of friendships, etc. Saying 'I'm fond of you too' or 'I care about you too' is fine, nothing wrong with that at all. If that's what makes a person comfortable in their response, it's 100% fine.
The way I love my own kids is different from the way I love my sister, my friends, the dcks, my pups(and yes, I love my pups!)heck even different between each of my own kids. My own kids are all so different yet I love them all so much, yet differently. Remember the book 'I Love You The Purplest'? It's a great way of explaining how parents love their own kids differently.
I agree with the statement, it depends on how we perceive love.
Love is extremely complicated. There is no one size fits all.

[Unregistered]

There are many ways to say I love you.
There are many ways to say I care about you.
Many ways, many ways,
Many ways to say I love you.

There's the singing way to say I love you.
There's the singing something someone really likes to hear.
The singing way, the singing way,
The singing way to say I love you.

Cleaning up a room can say I love you.
Hanging up a coat before you're asked to.
Drawing special pictures for the holidays
And making plays.

You'll find many ways to say I love you.
You'll find many ways to understand what love is.
Many ways, many ways,
Many ways to say I love you.

Fred Rogers
1970

[DaveA]

Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love

Honestly no I don't. I like working with children, like running a home daycare, and have a great bunch of kids, but I don't "love" them. As much psychotic fun as this is I do this to meet the needs of my family, financial and otherwise. As mercenary as this sounds this is my business, nothing more. The microsecond I can meet the same needs in my shop full time, I'm closing.

Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.

Those 3 little words mean something entirely different to me. I'm not talking about love as fondness like with an inanimate object (I love a good burger) or concept (I love watching the sun rise). With the exception of family I don't love people. I have a bunch of people that I really like, care about, and respect. But "love" is a very specific category for me. So I'm not going to be dishonest with a DCK. I am fond of her- but I don't love her.

Are the parents concerned or complaining or just DCG?


I think I would just say "Thank you!" or "Thank you! I care about you too Susie!" when the DCG says it. If she asks why you don't say the word love, I think I would redirect or say something along the lines of "I choose to say care instead of love." Then redirect about whatever activity she is doing at that moment. Rinse and repeat.

If the parents are concerned or complaining as to why you aren't responding to DCG with the word "love" then I would just explain to them that you care about all of your enrolled children but choose to reserve the word love for your own family. Side note, I think I'd have to keep a straight face while explaining that to a parent. Who in their right mind would ask or get offended?

FWIW: I don't say I you love or love you to many. I tell my own children daily. DH and I verbally say it...never? Lol. We both grew up in households where I love you/love you wasn't said at all so it become awkward and vulnerable to say it ourselves, as adults. I have known my MIL since 2008 and she just started saying love you to me this year. At first it felt very strange saying it back, and for while I didn't. But then I thought about it and I truly do care about, and even love, this woman. She sends me a daily word/good morning text each day and finishes by saying "love you."

Strictly DCG. Like I said- I've said this for as long as I can remember. It's just in the last couple weeks this has bothered her. Up until then she found it funny if she reacted at all. That's what is throwing me. :confused: