VENT: potty training ... (LONG!)

[AmandasFCC]

I have a 3 1/2 year old little boy who is in the process of potty training - not because Mom decided it was time, but because I decided it was time. I respect a parent's decision there but there comes a time when "He's resisting" just won't cut it anymore.

2 weeks ago I requested that we begin some potty training. I asked for her to consider how she wanted to approach potty training with him, go at it full-force over the weekend, then let me know how it went, what she was doing that kind of thing. I feel that consistency is the best way to be successful so I want to work with the parents in any way I can to help them potty train their children.

So the weekend goes by and Monday morning rolls around, she doesn't say anything, just drops him off and quickly runs out the door. Ok .... so I didn't really do a whole lot, because again, I don't want to work against the parents. I would ask him if he had to go pee, he said no, I let it go. He was so resistent that he wouldn't even let me change his diaper all day. So when Mom came to get him, I told her he wouldn't let me change him, and she kinda laughed it off and that was that. Off she went. Tuesday, same thing, except I picked him up kicking and screaming and took him for a diaper change. I'm not gonna let him get diaper rash or some other nasty issue and have her blaming me for it. I told her what happened and she was perfectly fine with that. "He needs to know he's not the boss". That was the most positive thing I've heard her say I think LOL.

Wednesday I decided since I still hadn't heard anything from her about how potty training was going that I was going to put him on a potty schedule. Every 2 hours I would give him a 5 minute warning that it was time to siton the potty, and actually all day he did great with that. Not once did he actually pee on the potty, but at least he would sit there and not scream and fuss. When she picked him up I finally got the opportunity to ask how things were going and she pretty much said they weren't, without actually saying that. So I told her what I was going, she agreed that would work for her as well, that she would try it. I asked her for Pull-Ups or training pants of some sort and she said she'd bring some for him. I thought this was fantastic...

So fast-forward to this morning. She tell me he wanted to wear big boy underwear today, so maybe I could remind him to use the potty. Naturally I thought they'd had some huge break through over the weekend, so I was really excited. Less than an hour later, there he is squatting in the middle of the room saying " I peed on the carpet". Luckily I had a helper today so I was able to have her keep the other kids away from the area of the carpet while I cleaned it up.

Who sends their child - who, by the way, still wouldn't pee on the potty AT ALL today - to daycare in underwear when he's not even CLOSE to potty trained???? HONESTLY???

[mac60]

I am so sorry you had a mess, but, can I ask, why didn't you just go put a diaper or pull up on him, a weekend generally isn't enough time to potty train.

You are doing the work the parent should be doing, I would not do it. It is the parents responsibility to initiate potty training and teach the child the general concepts of it, not the providers. I could never tell a parent that it is now time to potty train their child. I feel that is the parents choice of when and how. Sounds like the parents are a little late in the introducing of it and I understand you wanting to help.

My biggest rule here. Pull ups only during potty training....no cloth panties until they go 2 full weeks of no accidents and going to the potty 100% on their own without me reminding or asking them. This is my families home, no peeing on my carpets and furniture, well unless the parents want to buy me new.

Good luck on this.

[AmandasFCC]

I allowed it because apparently he's been potty trained before so I thought maybe he gave up being stubborn and finally decided to do what he knows how to do. I thought I'd trust Mom. Big mistake, I understand that .

I have no problem helping with potty training. I've got the kid full time, if I'm not going to do some of it, as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to end up with a 7 year old still in diapers. I have no problem having a potty schedule and helping as much as I can. This situation, I feel, is just clear taking advantage and being disrespectful.

the fact is, here there are a lot of health and safety regs I have to follow. I don't imagine that would be different anywhere else, but I have to have a proper changing table. The floor won't do. I agree that it's the parent's responsibility to do the bulk of the work in potty training, and to initiate training. However I have to step in when there are situations like a really big kid on my hands, or a kid that literally gives me a beating every time he needs his diaper changed. I initiated with my 2 1/2 year old, and guess what, last day I had him he didn't have a single wet diaper. I'm confident that he was ready for it (I initiated because he weighs close to 50 pounds already, pure muscle. The kid's a tank and I'm getting close to not being able to lift him).

I guess with this mom I'm going to have to have a rule. I agree with you there - no accidents for 2 weeks and able to tell me when he's gotta go consistently. I'm just so bitter that this happened to begin with ...

[mac60]

Gosh, I feel for you. Now I can understand why you are handling it like you are. So sorry you are having to deal with it. It is so frustrating all the different situations we have to deal with.

[tymaboy]

Potty trainning is a sticky situation. I used to have a family that was to lazy to train their child. The child was ready & let me know. At my house she was trained but at home was different story. I dont think they even changed her diaper very often cuz she would come back to care on Mondays with a rash, by the end of the week the rash would be gone, just to do it over again. I mentioned to Mom how she stayed dry all day & she would look at me amazed. I came close to reporting the family for abuse when she came in with bleeding blisters on her butt but did not cuz I already knew the family had workers visiting on a regular bases.

If you can get him trained at your house then that is better then nothing. Children learn that there normally are different rules at home compared to daycare, I should rephrase that & say they know what they can get away with at home compared to daycare. Be sure to do lot of praising when he does not wet his diaper & tell mom every day how well he did at your house (let him hear you tell her) that way it will motivate him & hopefuly her also.

[AmandasFCC]

Turns out Mom seems like she wants to pull her son from my daycare. I unfortunately had to request her older son not return because he was threatening to kill me and the babies in care so he didn't have to come back. I did us both a favour I think LOL. I revised my parents manual - partly because different things have come up that I didn't expect, and partly because I was advised that it was pretty incomplete - and she told me tonight that she's going to try to find a daycare that will take both her kids. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda sad, but at the same time, this child is SO babyish in a lot of ways that I feel like I have 3 babies in care every day. It's rough, very stressful, and as much as I hate to say it, this kid makes me question my decision nearly all the time so I'm not going to be too heartbroken to see him go. I'm just sad that I couldn't please every body I guess .

[mac60]

Hmm, sorry it turned out this way. I do have a question....who advised you your handbook was incomplete? The mom? What are they saying you do not have written.

[tymaboy]

You will feel so much better when they are gone, then you can replace them with a decent family. If you need help with you policy we will be glad to give you some input.

[AmandasFCC]

The referral agency suggested lightly that there were some things missing from my manual, and I've noticed I'm constantly being asked the same questions. I just got licensed in April, this is one of my first families and I've had them only since the very end of June. She has always been fully aware that I'm just getting started and as such, things will come up that need to be changed. The first thing to go was my "grand" idea that I would not enforce naps. Well I have 2 babies, and I've found it completely impossible to keep these kids quiet while the babies nap. SoI've had to go to enforced nap or lay-down time. That's working wonderfully but I don't think she's happy about it. I have an open door policy and I've always been open to suggestion and really want open communication. She doesn't seem to feel the same. I have to fish information out of her and when she agrees to things (like bringing pull-ups for her kid) it never actually happens. I told her underwear wasn't going to work until he's fully trained and she was not impressed. What does she think, that her kid is the only one here? Sorry chicky, but it doesn't work that way ...

[Unregistered]

Amanda,
I lost all my files when I took a break 3 years ago, but when I get my 12 page contract re-typed up (I did save paper copies thank goodness!) I'd be happy to e-mail it to you. I think you need to start fresh. I have learned that parents will take advantage of ANYTHING that is not in writing.
And the no pull-ups thing is a sanitary issue, so this Mom needs to get real.
My e-mail is littletreasuresfamilydaycare@gmail.com

[AmandasFCC]

Thanks everyone for your help. This issue just keeps growing and growing and it pains me to say it, I hope that once her month runs out she'll pull her kid. He's been going through more diapers now that I'm trying to potty train than before, and it's becoming increasingly more obvious that she's not making a whole lot of effort at home. I was trying to help her but forget it. It's less of a hassle for me to change his diaper than it is to fight him to pee on the potty so I give up. It's sad, and it's certainly not helping this little boy, but all of you are right, it's not my job to do HER job, and if she's content with him in diapers, then so be it.

I had thought that his seeing a 2 1/2 year old using the potty and getting stars on his star chart and all of that would help motivate him, but I guess not. He's very babyish in a lot of ways still and clearly does not want to abandon that behaviour any time soon. He's made a LOT of progress with me already in terms of using his words instead of whining and making noises to get what he wants and not throwing little fits (he used to throw himself down on the stairs and cry that he fell down the stairs, throw himself off a chair and land gently on the floor, crying that he fell of the chair, and so on ....), and it kinda breaks my heart that with all the effort I've put in and accomodating I've done that this is how it's turning out, but all in all it's better for my sanity anyway ...

My new question becomes this: She told me a week or so ago that once she finds a place for her oldest that will also accept the younger one, she'll be pulling him. She didn't tell me a time frame and she really hasn't updated me on that, or anything else for that matter, since telling me that. It's the beginning of the new month tomorrow and I'd like to - tactfully - ask her when she'll be pulling her son because I need to advertise to fill that space as soon as possible, and I need to figure out how much money I'm going to have in September! Direct probably is easiest but this woman clearly already thinks I'm pushy so I don't want to piss her off further ... What do you all think?

[laundryduchess@yahoo.com]

I would advertise and when you enroll the new kid I would give her her notice. Bring the ball back to your court. Its your business. Not hers. You have power, not her. don't play by her terms.she is a client in your daycare, she is not your boss.

[tymaboy]

I agree it sounds like you need to take control of the situation. Ask her if she has found a new place yet. If she said no then give her your 2 week notice that way when you do find a new family you have a date that you can give that new family as to when they can start. If you leave the ball in her court then you may end up turning a family away just to find out that you could have taken them after all. You will find that after this family is gone you will feel much better & won't be as stressed as you are now.

[Unregistered]

Agreed. Great advice. Take control and advertise/fill the spot/give HER notice. You are not required to wait on pins and needles to pull the kid. You have a living to make, she's told you she intends to pull him at some point. Tell her you need long term clients and it's not working out with his potty issues. Tell her it is no longer a good fit.

[AmandasFCC]

Thanks everyone. I was ready to tell her I needed official notice yesterday, and she beat me to the punch, telling me Thursday would be his last day. I'm glad this whole ordeal will be over! What a way to get started in daycare!!!