My Biggest Mistake

[TXhomedaycare]

Dh and I were just talking during nap time about the backyard and he is fustrated about how expensive the daycare is in general but also the upkeep. He hates that the kids play with the rocks that are filler between the patio and grass and that we have to keep buying sand and on and on (groceries, toys and supplies). I put my curriculum together (free), coupon for groceries (saves us a lot), watch 7 full-time kids with no help, was able to get a lot of my trainibg for free this year and started the daycare with about $500 total and he always finds a way to complain. I wish he understood that kids want to play with rocks (small pea size) and the backyard is going to have wear and tear (he no longer complains about wear and tear inside the house but the daycare is in one room). My biggest mistake is not opening a seperate account to run the daycare out of and setting a budget and setting everything up as a business and managing my own money. My Venmo account goes straight to our personal checking account and my husband pays the bills and usualky says I have no money left. Last year I took my food program check and opened a checking account with direct deposit so I could use that money for my daycare (he was not happy with me and I dont get much). Now my husband has to be apart of every decision and it is driving me nuts because he has no clue how much things costs and what it takes to run the daycare day to day. The kids I can handle but some days are tough, the parents I can handle (they just need to be educated ) but my husband fustrates me the most because I have to live with him and he thinks the daycare can be run on little to no money (he has become very cheap since we had kids 6 years ago and we bought our first house). One thing I will admit is that I need to raise my rates (I have a preschool program with lots of activities and I think I am under charging for my area. My rate is $140 but I could get $150). Any advice on how to deal with my husband or better help him understand the budget? Or ways to get additional funds (fundraiser or parents night out until I raise my rates)?

[Cat Herder]

Divide household expenses evenly between the two of you. Premarital debt belongs to whom brought it in.

What you have left, after paying your half each month, is yours.

What he has left, after paying his half each month, is his.

No joint accounts.

It is how my husband and I began our relationship. It has been glorious for all of these years. happyface

[TXhomedaycare]

Divide household expenses evenly between the two of you. Premarital debt belongs to whom brought it in.

What you have left, after paying your half each month, is yours.

What he has left, after paying his half each month, is his.

No joint accounts.

It is how my husband and I began our relationship. It has been glorious for all of these years. happyface

After almost 10 years of joint accounts that would not work. I would be paying for everything outside of our fixed expenses (kids clothes, eating out etc).

[Laurie]

I would set up a business account and run the business with that! Keep all your expenses seperate from the household such as groceries and such.

Does your state offer food programs where they reimburse a portion for all daycare meals?

Check around and make sure your rates are comparable to others in your area. I don't know TX rates, but yours seems low to me.

Good Luck 😊

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

Dh and I were just talking during nap time about the backyard and he is fustrated about how expensive the daycare is in general but also the upkeep. He hates that the kids play with the rocks that are filler between the patio and grass and that we have to keep buying sand and on and on (groceries, toys and supplies). I put my curriculum together (free), coupon for groceries (saves us a lot), watch 7 full-time kids with no help, was able to get a lot of my trainibg for free this year and started the daycare with about $500 total and he always finds a way to complain. I wish he understood that kids want to play with rocks (small pea size) and the backyard is going to have wear and tear (he no longer complains about wear and tear inside the house but the daycare is in one room). My biggest mistake is not opening a seperate account to run the daycare out of and setting a budget and setting everything up as a business and managing my own money. My Venmo account goes straight to our personal checking account and my husband pays the bills and usualky says I have no money left. Last year I took my food program check and opened a checking account with direct deposit so I could use that money for my daycare (he was not happy with me and I dont get much). Now my husband has to be apart of every decision and it is driving me nuts because he has no clue how much things costs and what it takes to run the daycare day to day. The kids I can handle but some days are tough, the parents I can handle (they just need to be educated ) but my husband fustrates me the most because I have to live with him and he thinks the daycare can be run on little to no money (he has become very cheap since we had kids 6 years ago and we bought our first house). One thing I will admit is that I need to raise my rates (I have a preschool program with lots of activities and I think I am under charging for my area. My rate is $140 but I could get $150). Any advice on how to deal with my husband or better help him understand the budget? Or ways to get additional funds (fundraiser or parents night out until I raise my rates)?

You don't need a separate account to do the accounting. Set yourself up an excel spreadsheet and keep track of your own budget. No matter what bank account it goes into you can (and should) be keeping track of what is coming and going from the business side. Won't you need that info to do taxes at the end of the year anyway?

Even easier, go to Everydollar.com, set up a free account and use it to budget and keep track of your business expenses.

All my money comes each week in cash and goes into our own personal account. But I can still tell you exactly how much I've made this month, and what I plan on spending next month.

If YOU are keeping track of the business finances, it doesn't matter what account its banked in. And he can't argue with facts, especially if you've got them up to date and on paper.

[Lil_Diddle]

Divide household expenses evenly between the two of you. Premarital debt belongs to whom brought it in.

What you have left, after paying your half each month, is yours.

What he has left, after paying his half each month, is his.

No joint accounts.

It is how my husband and I began our relationship. It has been glorious for all of these years. happyface

We have always had separate accounts and responsibility for different bills. It is wonderful, he pays the bigger bills because he makes more than me. So it works out fairly. I love that we can buy stuff without asking for permission (with the exception of big purchases)

I also have a separate account for the business, and I just take a set amount for myself weekly and the rest goes back into the business.

Running a daycare is expensive, especially a quality one. I would suggest you sit down with your husband to really go over the income your business brings in and the cost and make a realistic budget from there.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Divide household expenses evenly between the two of you. Premarital debt belongs to whom brought it in.

What you have left, after paying your half each month, is yours.

What he has left, after paying his half each month, is his.

No joint accounts.

It is how my husband and I began our relationship. It has been glorious for all of these years. happyface

HIGHLY recommend this.

In my Church it is not advisable. During counseling we heard a lot of garbage. But, us having a joint account did NOT work and we had $0 in savings because he didn't know how to manage money well. Our current arrangement has worked well for years.

[Cat Herder]

After almost 10 years of joint accounts that would not work. I would be paying for everything outside of our fixed expenses (kids clothes, eating out etc).

Why do you believe that? Have you tried?

Before discounting suggestions as impossible, maybe the two of you can have a sit down to begin sorting it out and clear the air. It is obvious that resentment is setting in, something needs to stop that now. In it's tracks. My guess is that it goes both ways. :hug:

[Pestle]

:hug:
My husband is on the ADHD spectrum. I married him, and he immediately turned into a person I'd never met. He suddenly stopped doing any housework or meal prep, and I found out later he has a compulsive spending habit. And his treatment of me changed; he started ignoring me, whining, and complaining in a wheedling teenage voice I'd never heard before. Apparently that's typical; people with ADHD treat dating as a challenge and hyper-focus on it, then move on to another interesting project once they land a mate. 80% of marriages with an ADHD partner end in divorce and I'm certain those remaining 20% are still together because they can't afford divorce.

I have a separate checking account with only my name on it. Some of my income goes into our joint checking for household expenses; the rest goes into my account for day care expenses and taxes. Since you're probably the one purchasing groceries, clothing, etc., you should be able to figure out how to proportion that so you make budget each month.

Here's something that has helped a little: I've gotten him to participate enough to gain a little awareness of all that it takes to keep a household running. I tend to micromanage, which makes him blow up, so I have to approach this very carefully and apply the same patience I use with little kids: it's about building skills and learning a process, not about getting the right results.

You might have him take your kids for their big clothing and school supply trips the next year or so. Every time he underspends or buys the wrong stuff, it'll be on him to make a second trip to make it right.

Tell him you need a partial vacation and you need him to plan, purchase, and prepare meals for a couple of weeks. He can cook after supper for tomorrow's meals.

Just don't hover. Let him make his own mistakes and figure out himself how to correct them--he won't get it right, but gaining understanding and sympathy from him is worth some small disasters. After all, we learn best from frustration and embarrassment, right?

[TXhomedaycare]

Why do you believe that? Have you tried?

Before discounting suggestions as impossible, maybe the two of you can have a sit down to begin sorting it out and clear the air. It is obvious that resentment is setting in, something needs to stop that now. In it's tracks. My guess is that it goes both ways. :hug:

I didn't say it was impossible but knowing my husband this would make our situation worse. We are trying to follow the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt and our church also says married couples should have joint accounts for accountability and other reasons. My husband will use every dime we have after bills to pay things off which is great but I have to remind him about groceries and clothes or things for the house that he doesn't understand we need or how often they need to be replaced. My husband probably does resent me for spending money and I resent him for not leaving me any money. We recently discussed this and agreed to do the cash system and I am sure that will help but I still hate I didn't establish my business in a different way. I will bring this up to him but I know he is going to think I am holding out (my brother and his wife do this and my brother was struggling to pay his half and take care of all kinds of things for their 5 boys and my sister in law was saving for a family vacation and using "her" money for things they can't afford). I'm not sure I am fully on board with seperate accounts myself but I will bring it up and discuss it with him.

[Meeko]

I guess I am considered old fashioned.

I went down the aisle "me" and came back part of "we".

We are married. Two people joined together. We vowed to share our lives together and for 36 years that's exactly what we have done.

WE pay OUR bills and OUR obligations out of OUR account. We share everything. We discuss and decide everything together.

I cannot even fathom living like room mates only, where we each have our own lives, accounts and bills.

I do not mean to offend anyone...but why even get married if you do not intend to share any more than the bedroom? That's not a marriage...it's just roomies with benefits.

[Blackcat31]

I didn't say it was impossible but knowing my husband this would make our situation worse. We are trying to follow the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt and our church also says married couples should have joint accounts for accountability and other reasons. My husband will use every dime we have after bills to pay things off which is great but I have to remind him about groceries and clothes or things for the house that he doesn't understand we need or how often they need to be replaced. My husband probably does resent me for spending money and I resent him for not leaving me any money. We recently discussed this and agreed to do the cash system and I am sure that will help but I still hate I didn't establish my business in a different way. I will bring this up to him but I know he is going to think I am holding out (my brother and his wife do this and my brother was struggling to pay his half and take care of all kinds of things for their 5 boys and my sister in law was saving for a family vacation and using "her" money for things they can't afford). I'm not sure I am fully on board with seperate accounts myself but I will bring it up and discuss it with him.

I think if you decide a monthly budget for those things, it will help. If you are currently trying the Dave Ramsey method, add envelopes for those things.

Then your DH will see ahead of time the budget that needs to be spent for daycare expenses. I understand that needs change and the monthly budget won't always be the same but you can still plan an amount. Any overages, go into the next months budget so you would potentially be able to have a bit of "extra" saved for months that require a bit more spending.

Are you on the Food Program? If so, the reimbursement from that should be able to make a pretty sizable dent in the grocery bill for daycare.

Its tough to explain/show someone what kind of income/expenses go into this business because it's not very concrete and changes all the time. Plus the majority of people (spouses included sometimes) think "babysitting" shouldn't cost the "babysitter" anything but time. It's a common misconception so don't think your DH is immune to that thought process and one of the ways to help him understand is to write out a monthly budget for the daycare he an visibly see. IME, most men (not all) are visual learners so a written budget (spreadsheet/flow chart etc) might be super helpful.

Hang in there.... daycare, parenting, marriage, life....it's all a work in progress. You are not alone! :hug:

[TXhomedaycare]

:hug:
My husband is on the ADHD spectrum. I married him, and he immediately turned into a person I'd never met. He suddenly stopped doing any housework or meal prep, and I found out later he has a compulsive spending habit. And his treatment of me changed; he started ignoring me, whining, and complaining in a wheedling teenage voice I'd never heard before. Apparently that's typical; people with ADHD treat dating as a challenge and hyper-focus on it, then move on to another interesting project once they land a mate. 80% of marriages with an ADHD partner end in divorce and I'm certain those remaining 20% are still together because they can't afford divorce.

I have a separate checking account with only my name on it. Some of my income goes into our joint checking for household expenses; the rest goes into my account for day care expenses and taxes. Since you're probably the one purchasing groceries, clothing, etc., you should be able to figure out how to proportion that so you make budget each month.

Here's something that has helped a little: I've gotten him to participate enough to gain a little awareness of all that it takes to keep a household running. I tend to micromanage, which makes him blow up, so I have to approach this very carefully and apply the same patience I use with little kids: it's about building skills and learning a process, not about getting the right results.

You might have him take your kids for their big clothing and school supply trips the next year or so. Every time he underspends or buys the wrong stuff, it'll be on him to make a second trip to make it right.

Tell him you need a partial vacation and you need him to plan, purchase, and prepare meals for a couple of weeks. He can cook after supper for tomorrow's meals.

Just don't hover. Let him make his own mistakes and figure out himself how to correct them--he won't get it right, but gaining understanding and sympathy from him is worth some small disasters. After all, we learn best from frustration and embarrassment, right?

I love this idea! My husband and I talked about this a few weeks ago but nothing since . It has taken 9 years of marriage plus 6 years of dating before to finally get my husband to start helping out around the house. He would come home take naps, never clean and only do the things he wants to do. I told him I was exhausted and headed towards a breakdown and that if he loves me he should not feel comfortable with me wearing myself daily for our family while he my team mate gets rests and doesn't only what he feels comfortable doing. I know he did not have a father growing up and I can tell my husband is struggling figuring all these things out and to him just being here is good but I literally couldn't continue in the same direction. He now gives the kids baths, does homework with our oldests, does dishes etc but I would love if I didn't have to cook every night. My first step was to get him to go to the grocery store so he could see the prices of things. I am hoping the more he is involved the more he will understand.

[TXhomedaycare]

I guess I am considered old fashioned.

I went down the aisle "me" and came back part of "we".

We are married. Two people joined together. We vowed to share our lives together and for 36 years that's exactly what we have done.

WE pay OUR bills and OUR obligations out of OUR account. We share everything. We discuss and decide everything together.

I cannot even fathom living like room mates only, where we each have our own lives, accounts and bills.

I do not mean to offend anyone...but why even get married if you do not intend to share any more than the bedroom? That's not a marriage...it's just roomies with benefits.

[Alwaysgreener]

I guess I am considered old fashioned.

I went down the aisle "me" and came back part of "we".

We are married. Two people joined together. We vowed to share our lives together and for 36 years that's exactly what we have done.

WE pay OUR bills and OUR obligations out of OUR account. We share everything. We discuss and decide everything together.

I cannot even fathom living like room mates only, where we each have our own lives, accounts and bills.

I do not mean to offend anyone...but why even get married if you do not intend to share any more than the bedroom? That's not a marriage...it's just roomies with benefits.

Thank you