Ugh, I'm Done

[Unregistered]

I've been burnt out for a year doing daycare...winters are always the hardest. No daylight, rains non-stop for months on end, and the kids are totally restless. I live in a 1-bedroom apartment that's been totally converted into a daycare (we cannot afford anything bigger, saving for a house). I have no furniture, no dishwasher, I eat dinner at a kids table, and just feel so...depressed. My husband works hundreds of miles away and is gone 75% of the year so it's just me and the kids in this tiny space...in total darkness for half of the year. I also work an evening office job by myself...which has me working a total of 15-18 hours a day and 6 days a week. My husband is paying off student loan debt so it's up to me to pay for living expenses/save up for a house - hence me working around the clock. I feel totally isolated, tired, and stressed I get to this point where I'm completely numb most of the day (coping mechanism, perhaps?), but then find myself completely bursting out in tears over the most strangest things..like burnt toast or something :-/ I recently took on a 20 pound 6 month old who is nearly impossible to be set down and needs to be held to sleep. He sleeps between 15-25 minutes during the duration he is at my house which is half-days and likes CONSTANT movement...hates it when I sit down or stand still while holding him. I'm wanting to throw in the towel SO bad. I think I'm going to tell parents that August will be my last month - just in time to send my daughter to preschool and start working my evening job during the daytime. It's a HUGE loss in income, but my husband should have his debt paid off by September...which then we'll have the green light to start shopping around for houses and I already have the down payment in the bank. Part of me feels like a wuss for feeling this way, complaining about work, and that there are so many other people who have it WAY worse than me so I need to stop complaining...so I'm feeling a lot of negative/mixed emotions right now and I just need to vent...

[Ariana]

You are absolutely NOT a wuss for complaining about your situation you are a real trooper!!! It just sounds like a brutal situation living in a 1 bedroom apartment by yourself taking care of kids with no adult support from your husband. Is there anything you can do to make the days better for you? Favorite music to play, a favorite candle to burn? anything to help you calm yourself and enjoy the moment? Also be mindful of how your thoughts can make you feel depressed. Instead of focusing on how crappy things are right now, start imagining how great your future is going to look. start researching houses now and start dreaming about possibilities for the daycare in your new home etc. TRY to stay positive. I know it is hard.

Huge hugs to you :hug:

[Josiegirl]

I have never understood how a dcprovider can care for kids all day and then head out to another job!! There is no downtime, time for rest, rejuvenating, nothing. You're lucky you've got time to breathe. Something will break.

For starters, can you end care for the fussy 20# newbie? He sounds like a handful and one you cannot nor should be expected to carry around all day. I'd start with the 1 top thing that is stressing you out the most and see if there is anything that can be done about it. Anything at all. For instance your apartment....you feel isolated and cramped. Is there any way you can downsize stuff to make more room, or rotate dc stuff, maybe store it somewhere else till you want it again. Can you simply string white Christmas lights up throughout the dreariest places? Switch up your routine, seek support(you're here! Reach out more often!), call friends during a lull in the day, keep a journal and let loose on all those feelings(bottled up emotions are usually not a good thing), talk with dh and see if anything can be done from his side as far as schedule.

I agree with pp about searching for your dream house or at least pinning home remodeling ideas to save on pinterest. I know when the winter season claims my sanity, I start drawing up pictures of what I'd like to do with my backyard. We all have to have something to look forward to each day, a goal, no matter how small it seems. Buy a plant or 2 for your appt. Can you get a small pet like a hamster? Buy something for yourself, even if you're hitting the consignment stores. I did that yesterday; course all the stuff I bought was for dc but still, it's new to them. Oh and while I was there evidently someone saw me with 2 bags of toys and books, she did a random act of kindness for me because when I got to the check out the clerk told me I could pick out any sweater I wanted and it was from a stranger. Never did find out who it was but it made my whole day and is something I will definitely pay forward when I get the opportunity.

Can you eliminate one of your work nights from your pt job? Or take a mental health day off from daycare soon?

Hope I've helped in some small way. You have got a lot on your shoulders and being by yourself 75% of the time has got to be near impossible. Stay positive and hang in there. Make some small changes; you'd be surprised what can help. Reach out to people.

[LysesKids]

I agree about stringing tiny white fairy lights up... been doing it since 2010 & believe me in Winter & on dreary days it does make a difference, plus it's perfect lighting for nap time . Also, take one day as a break from both jobs and have fun with your children outside of your home (go to the zoo or museum - something out of the ordinary)... you need to have down time on occasion so you don't burn out and they probably need a rest from the daycare kids too.

I have been doing childcare in small spaces for years as a single parent; My dd used to get the bedroom daytime to herself (homeschooled) just to have somewhere to hide from the kids - now she's grown & gone. I agree it's probably time that the heavy infant needs to go... sometimes kids won't be a good fit & as an infant provider myself - yes, time to say goodbye in this case. I will not carry kids all the time.

I just told a parent that I thought was a perfect fit (Drop-in care), that nope, wouldn't be taking on the little after all - she let it slip, she expected me to baby wear him in a sling; ummm NO.

[KidGrind]

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

No advice here beyond try to take care of yourself and treat yourself to something you love.

[Unregistered]

OH MY!!! I totally understand this is incredibly difficult. The only good thing would be if the night job was something you liked, it got you out with adults, you had some fun with it, met adults you socialize with at work &/or outside of work.

You need to find ways for some fun. Little ways. I light a candle, shower & get ready in candlelight during the dark, winter months. Find tiny things you enjoy....a magazine, a latte, some new nail polish, etc.

We perceive stress through our senses and de-stress the same way. Sight, sound, touch, smell, & taste. Buy a soft, super cozy blanket if you don't have one, a soft, cozy body pillow is a great soother. Listen to music-incredibly soothing and therapeutic, candlelight if possible some time in the evening, essential oils, candles are for scent too,
soft, cozy socks, use one of those neck things you heat up and put on your neck, think of things that you do to relax and things that help you care for yourself. Eat well, drink enough water.

Is there a way to get a second hand table/chairs so you can at least eat at an adult table?

I've been in a situation sort of like this with daycare and it drove me to quit for awhile! YES, look up mindfulness and practice it. Daily remind yourself of things you are thankful for.

Let the non-sleeping 6 mo. old go. You can't do it all. This is a TOUGH situation you are in! Connect with family and friends if possibly any way you can-facebook, phone, e-mail, in person! You sound very isolated!

I love the twinkling lights idea and the small pet idea! I see someone mentioned candlelight too!

I just bought a book-Stressed is the title. I love books that have spaces to draw, doodle, stamp, etc. It's a company called Moodles-It's says on the cover Moodles are doodles with the power to change your mood.

Now this might not be your thing but find little things like that as a way to relax and have fun! Please take care of yourself.

[Unregistered]

Okay....I was thinking of some other ideas. Is there any way your husband can be the one to work the second job? What about cutting back some hours on the office job?

Is there any way you can take one day off per week from child care?

Is there anyone who can watch your kids for about two hours and you go with a friend and get a latte or a glass of wine?

I was in a child care home lately and she had floor lamps instead of an overhead light on. It was so relaxing. Table lamps would work too.

Do you have any indoor gardens in your area? They can be so relaxing to walk through.

Also, how about playing background music that is relaxing during the day when you are doing child care. If you like country, play country....or Enya or Pentatonix or anything that you like and is appropriate to have on in the background. Water or nature sounds are very relaxing too.

Make sure you REALLY relax during naptime! You need down time. Let us know how things are going!

[Unregistered]

Thanks everyone. I like the idea about stringing lights up, I might try that. I had my hallway light bulb go out, but it was a week before I could make it to the store to get a replacement (they're always closed by the time I get off work) O_O Ugh, I hate the darkness...it doesn't help I live WAY up north.

Unfortunately I don't have any space in my living residence to have a table (aside from the kids table) so I usually eat there, or just standing in the kitchen, or simply not at all. My mom takes care of my daughter while I go to work in the evenings so she generally eats dinner there...and I don't have the energy/time to cook for myself at night.

Yes! I love Pinterest. I also search Zillow/Trulia every day at the houses. That helps. I used to do that at quiet time.......

Nap/quiet time USED to be my only break for sanity during the day. It was one hour where I could eat, pee, breathe, and process a thought. Unfortunately the infant gets dropped off about 15 minutes before "nap time" for the older kids so I spent the entire duration of what used to be my break trying to walk/bounce the infant to sleep By the time he is finally asleep the other kids are coming out of their bedroom.

My husband works several weeks to months at a time (7 days/week) way up north. When he is on his "break" from work he flies back home and picks up fill-in work with his previous employer...with his job he has very strict guidelines on how much he can legally work a month to prevent exhaustion, which he will max out every month (he's a pilot). He can't take up another job right now.

I just can't take it anymore. I broke down in tears several times today thinking about Monday. I have *NEVER* been this outwardly depressed before and I'm concerned and don't know who to talk to aside from posting on here...

Venting helps a lot. Thanks for listening.

[Josiegirl]

Is there any way you can let that new child go? You do need that break. If I don't get some peace and quiet in the afternoon I become a bear. Honestly. Would it be easy enough to replace them? Do you HAVE to replace them? I would seriously start with letting him go. Just tell dcm it's not working out.

[Heidi]

Is there any way you can let that new child go? You do need that break. If I don't get some peace and quiet in the afternoon I become a bear. Honestly. Would it be easy enough to replace them? Do you HAVE to replace them? I would seriously start with letting him go. Just tell dcm it's not working out.

Ditto this...

If it helps, we give you permission to terminate your care arrangement with him (you don't really need it, but it might help with the guilt you'll put yourself through). Tell her it's just too much for you. You adore him, but it's just too much.

[Play Care]

I think this job can be challenging enough when you have the perfect space for it.
It's downright impossible when you don't, IMO.
In addition, it's a job in an of itself. I've seen other providers in my town working second jobs and frankly, I refuse. I work 55+ hours a week at this ONE job.

There's nothing wrong with being done, for now. I'm not sure if you have other options but maybe by taking some action (getting a resume and cover letter together, applying for other jobs, etc) may help you feel better.

But I also agree with everyone else, you can let kids go. It's okay to be done. Just because someone signs on with you doesn't mean you have to keep them no matter what.