Help with dcm (previously posted on this)

[Unregistered]

I am a registered user and posted previously about a dcm who was not comfortable with me taking her 2 year old to the splash pad. She ended up having grandma watch dcg while we went and then she was dropped off after lunch. I understand her nerves (first time mom and definitely a helicopter mom), but since then, I have been thinking about it and getting stressed. I run a small group so that we have the freedom to leave and go do the fun activities the community has to offer, but now, this one mom is making that impossible. There have been quite a few times where we all wanted to go to the splash pad, but we couldn't because I know her mom would flip and not be okay with it.

I went ahead and decided to talk to her about it. Again, it is not about her being uncomfortable, but more about finding a solution so that the other kids and I have the freedom to do these activities, and either leave dcg with grandma or have her come with, so I explained that and she said "it's not you that I don't trust, its the other kids". That kind of insulted me. I don't trust other kids either, which is why it is my job to protect my kids and keep them safe and teach them how to interact with other kids safely as well. If there are too many kids at the splash pad and I am not comfortable, we don't go!

Anyway, she left very quietly and seemingly annoyed, but I am not sure and I don't know how to handle this now. She is a great friend of mine, so ending our relationship will be very difficult, but I have such a hard time working with someone who doesn't trust me. This is my 17th year of childcare and he 2nd year of being a parent, but by the way she talks, you would think she has been doing it for ages!

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I guess I just needed to type this out to feel better. I was very nice about what I need for my daycare and for me, so the ball is in her court, but I guess it just bugs me because I KNOW she doesn't trust me, but if it comes to me or someone else who would be a total stranger, I am the lesser of two evils in her eyes. And that is not a place I want to be. Does that make sense? Any words of encouragement? TIA!

[sharlan]

Regardless of the friendship, it's time to let this family go. One child is having a negative impact on the whole group.

[Heidi]

"My dear BFF, You know I adore both you and LO. But, I really have to run my program in a way that works for everyone, myself included. You have a right to feel the way you do about outings, so, if you want to think about it, I will totally understand if you need to find other care. That way, we can just go back to being friends. Why don't you think about it and let me know what you decide?"

[Controlled Chaos]

I would not term, I would do this: everytime you have a field trip planned let her know "you will need alternate care for this day and time, as we are going on a field trip and I know you aren't comfortable". I would go out of my way to go on an extra walks, splash pad outings, libraries etc. I would make a big deal about accommodating her insecurities. And it honestly wouldn't hurt my feelings, it's not truly about you. I hope you can let that go. :hug:

[Controlled Chaos]

"My dear BFF, You know I adore both you and LO. But, I really have to run my program in a way that works for everyone, myself included. You have a right to feel the way you do about outings, so, if you want to think about it, I will totally understand if you need to find other care. That way, we can just go back to being friends. Why don't you think about it and let me know what you decide?"

[Play Care]

"My dear BFF, You know I adore both you and LO. But, I really have to run my program in a way that works for everyone, myself included. You have a right to feel the way you do about outings, so, if you want to think about it, I will totally understand if you need to find other care. That way, we can just go back to being friends. Why don't you think about it and let me know what you decide?"

[Leigh]

Heidi gave good advice. In the future, though, I'd suggest addressing this at the interview. I have parents sign separate permission slips so that they are very aware of what we may do. One gives permission to leave the premises. Two gives permission to transport in a vehicle. Three gives permission for water play (including the public pool). This way, a parent really can't object when we want to do something fun.

[Unregistered]

You are letting her run your business. Its simple. The child participates in the group activities or they are no longer part of the group. Mom chooses which way she prefers. You do spur of the moment activities and can't if this Mom is telling you how to run your group.

[nothingwithoutjoy]

My first year, I had a mom who was scared to let her daughter walk with us. Her daughter was the oldest child in my group, and I had no concerns about her; she followed directions impeccably. But mom wanted me to use one of those kid leashes. I adamantly did not want to. We had a meeting to discuss it. She was so nervous about her child getting hurt/lost/dashing off that she cried. In the end, we were able to come to a compromise: her daughter would ride in the stroller, or walk with her hand on the handlebar under my hand. It felt silly to me, but made it possible for us to get out and about and possible for mom to feel safe. Eventually, they let her walk two-by-two like everyone else.

What if you sat down with her and asked what exactly she is afraid of? Then you could tell her how you address whatever the thing is. Maybe you can come up with a plan that works for both of you. I'd be clear that outings are essential to your program, of course, and don't agree to anything that will compromise your beliefs or your ability to care for the other kids.

[Unregistered]

Thank you all so much for the advice! I love this forum so much! Sometimes you just need to say things out loud and see if it makes sense, because I have such a tendency to over think things. I am working on that

I did sort of put the ball in her court. I basically said that if she doesn't want dcg to go with, I can give her a heads up and she can have other care planned for those days. One of the issues with that however, which I should have made clear, is that the last time we did the splash pad and grandma watched her, she was dropped off after we got back. We actually had to leave early to be back in time and I don't want that either. If they are having a blast and we want to stay longer, I want that option, so I would rather her find other care for the WHOLE day and not just the time we are out.

As for what she is scared of, it is about the other kids at the splash pad. She said she doesn't trust them (translates to me that she doesn't trust me to watch her kid around other kids we don't know). She has no issues with the park or zoo (although she questioned if I would put dcg in a stroller or carry her???), even though the park is just as busy during the summer and more dangerous imo. I think a lot of it is she doesn't fully trust anyone to watch her kid except herself, not even her husband.

Sorry this is so long, but I did also talk to her about this fall. My son starts kindergarden and my daughter is going to a preschool 2 days a week, so I will be doing drop off and pick ups. This was discussed from the beginning, but she is questioning how I will handle it in the winter. It gets cold here and plenty of snow, ect. I told her, unless they cancel school or I don't feel comfortable driving, we will go everyday, but I thought that would be obvious. We can go months with below zero temps, so if we never leave the house when it is cold, we would basically be hibernating for 7-8 months of the year!

Anyway, I think I need to take all of your advice and maybe if we do plenty of outings, as PP stated, she will get inconvenienced enough to move on to someplace else? I really want to get out and enjoy the few weeks of warm weather we get and I just feel like that is not possible with the current situation.

[Unregistered]

I also want to add that financially, it kind of doesn't make sense to keep watching her, so the money is not an issue for me. Besides my own two kids, I watch one other child, plus dcg. The rate I charge for the other kid is way higher, because of the hours of care, but he is not here everyday, so ideally, if I didn't have dcg, I would get to spend one on one time with my own kids and do whatever I want and still get paid almost 3 times what they pay me. Not sure that makes sense, but I guess I am just voicing the reasons I want to end our arrangement. If I am not making enough money to make this sort of relationship worth it, I guess I am answering my own question on what I should do Agh! This is the worst part of daycare, but a necessary evil I guess!

[Thriftylady]

Amazing how sometimes when we put it out in words on here, we are able to find our own answer. Hope it works out well for you.

[Rockgirl]

If you're fine with giving her a heads-up like you talked about, I'd do that. But grandma would not be dictating the returning time. I'd say "I will text you when we are back, then grandma can drop off."