Help Me with This Child's Self Help Skills

[Unregistered]

I have a 2.5 year old DCG who has been with me for six months. She is an only child. I can tell that the parents do everything for her, and so her self-help skills are very limited. She is very verbal, by the way. No TV at home. No known developmental issues.

For the first several months, the child would stand with a blank expression on her face whenever she was asked to do anything for herself. She would not attempt to take off her winter clothes, and would tug half-heatedly at her hat or mittens (with no force behind it) and then look at me, expecting me to take it off for her. She would limply try to push up her sleeves to wash her hands, with one finger, and then blankly stand and stare and wait. I have to admit, she's gotten better. She can completely take off her winter clothes now, and she does it quickly.

Now, what I'm experiencing is a kid who is not able to follow simple directions. I asked her to pick up a doll that was on the child-sized table. She was standing right by the low table. The doll was the only thing on the table. She just looked around and around the table, looking everywhere, and could not find the doll. She never was able to find it. Then, we were sitting at the table, and a bunch of crayons were spread out in front of her on her place mat. Probably about 10 crayons. I asked her if she wanted to color with her crayons (because when we do art projects, she just sits there and stares), and she could not for the life of her find her crayons. She looked behind her onto the floor! Then she said, after quite a while, "These crayons?" and indicated the crayons all around her.

Her parents are trying to potty train her, and she's doing okay for the most part. But she will consistently go to the bathroom and sit down with all of her clothes on on the toilet. I asked her, "What do you need to do first?" (trying to get her to realize she needs to pull her pants down) and she got up and said, "Wash my hands?" She has been going potty for about a month--and she does not have the steps down in order. After she goes potty, I ask her to wash her hands. She says "In this sink?" And then walks past the bathroom sink to go into the kitchen (I guess?) to wash her hands there. She has been washing her hands after going potty in the bathroom sink for a month, but without my specific direction, is not able to do it on her own.

And going back to the art stuff... I still have not seen a child this old so apparently confused by art supplies. At first, I assumed that she just had not been exposed to crayons or paints or markers ever. She would hold a crayon in her hand and limply move her hand around, but she wouldn't look at her paper, and more often than not she would not be making any mark on the paper because of lack of force or the fact that her crayon was nowhere near the paper. Six months later, it hasn't improved much. We do art EVERY day, sometimes twice a day. She will sometimes scribble with a crayon, but more often than not just holds the materials and sits there and doesn't do anything with them.

What would you do to work with this child? Is this typical for a 2.5 year old? None of the other kids I have had here have ever behaved like this.

[Josiegirl]

Do you have an Ages and Stages assessment you could do on her? I've seen kids who don't want to help themselves get dressed or undressed because of a parents overly eager helping hand. But usually when you hand them crayons at 2.5 they like to explore that themselves.

Have you offered her anything besides crayons? My kids prefer washable markers(yes, they're messier but work easier and are brighter colors). How does she react to painting or sensory activities such as finger painting, painting with pudding or shaving cream, or anything like that?

Have you talked with the parents to see if they have any concerns? It almost sounds to me as if by dcm doing everything for her dd, her dd's growth and exploration are being stunted. But I was an over protective parent to my first born(wow, do I know better now!!) and I don't remember him every having those kinds of problems.

[daycarediva]

Ohhh goodness. She sounds like my 4yo dcb at that age. It has gotten (mildly) better. I, too, assumed it was because he was very coddled (he was). He is still not potty trained, his comprehension skills are awful, as are sequencing, following 1-2 step directions, motor skills, self help skills, social skills... you name it. The older he gets, the more obvious it becomes. I do ASQ as previous poster suggested and Mom kind of blew that off at 3. At 4, she became concerned, and at 4.5 is just now seeking help. After a full 18 months of me encouraging it.

My dcb had a full eval (all day thing) after seeing the pediatrician in Nov. We are anxiously awaiting the results. I HIGHLY suspect that he is on the spectrum.

[laundrymom]

I would ask for him to be evaluated. Sometimes it can pinpoint areas that General observations might miss and give you a direction to pursue to get him on track w peers.

[preschoolteacher]

We do all sorts of art activities--crayons, finger paint, water color with brushes, play dough, stamps, clay, cutting with scissors, oil pastels, you name it! The child will do these same steps regardless of what the material is:
1. Child sits in chair for awhile. Eventually she will pick up the material.
2. Child watches the other kids use the material.
3. Child very half-heartedly or apathetically (there really is no interest or enthusiasm being shown) attempts to mimic what the other kids are doing, but never quite ends up doing it "right." For example, she will pick up a stamp and start stamping it on her paper, not correcting herself or appearing to notice that she didn't stamp it onto the ink pad first, so it's not making any mark. She just will keep on half-heartedly stamping it. When I point it out to her, she doesn't appear to know how to "fix" it (for example, wouldn't realize if I pointed it out that she needs ink).

If it's paint, she will make motions with an empty paint brush on her paper and will not realize she needs to dip it in paint first. I can show her how to dip it, but then when the paint runs out, she keeps going with an empty brush. If she's painting, coloring, whatever, she puts any marks that she does make in the exact same spot--wherever her hand reaches the easiest. Her paper ends up getting all of the marks in the same place. She never actually attempts to make a line or draw outside of that tiny little area her hand keeps coming back to.

I have a 14 month old who is able to figure out the way art supplies work far beyond this child who is 2.5 years old.

I don't suspect sensory issues because she doesn't seem hesitant to being because of texture/feeling.

[preschoolteacher]

Ohhh goodness. She sounds like my 4yo dcb at that age. It has gotten (mildly) better. I, too, assumed it was because he was very coddled (he was). He is still not potty trained, his comprehension skills are awful, as are sequencing, following 1-2 step directions, motor skills, self help skills, social skills... you name it. The older he gets, the more obvious it becomes. I do ASQ as previous poster suggested and Mom kind of blew that off at 3. At 4, she became concerned, and at 4.5 is just now seeking help. After a full 18 months of me encouraging it.

My dcb had a full eval (all day thing) after seeing the pediatrician in Nov. We are anxiously awaiting the results. I HIGHLY suspect that he is on the spectrum.

I also think it's because she's majorly coddled. The parents are extremely worried about everything related to this child. They aren't too demanding to me because I sensed their helicopter-parenting style during the interview and made it very clear what I will/will not do in a group care setting. They really wanted the space at my daycare, and so they are behaving as parents--I have no actual issues with them beyond feeling exasperated at how over the top they are (but since they aren't putting it on me, it's not really a big deal).

I really don't think this child is on the spectrum at all. However, if this were to continue or get worse, I would wonder.

[preschoolteacher]

I am beginning to wonder if it's learned helplessness. Like, does the child purposely not do these things because she realizes that if she doesn't, someone else will do it for her? At clean up time today, she walked around the room in a circle, and when I asked her to pick up a toy to put away, she said "I'm looking for a toy." I would suspect manipulation if she didn't really, truly appear to not know where any toys were to put away. There were toys ALL over the room, seriously, all over the floor.

And when she does eventually "find" one, she almost always knows exactly where it goes. It's hard for a 2.5 year old to know where every toy's space is, so since she clearly knows that, I wonder if she is just playing games? I asked her, "You can't find a toy?" And she really, really, really couldn't. Finally, she picked up a toy and said "This one?" and every time she picked up a toy, she would ask "Do I put this one away?"

[Jack Sprat]

I have a dcb who is like this as well. He just turned 4. He attends preschool two mornings a week. He does very little for himself. I mean very little compared to others in my program. I think he does more here on his own then at home because I won't do it for him.

He just learned to put his coat about two months ago, his shoes about the same time. He can not put his underwear on by himself, nor his socks. He has trouble putting on a stocking cap. He struggles to open doors (turning the door handle) and these are very easy to open. He is carried into the house every morning. He isn't able to blow his nose with or without assistance. He has asked me to use the green thing (nose bulb ****er thing). He just learned how to flush the toilet about a month ago as well as wash his hands. He does better with coloring and art etc. But, if its something he doesn't want to do he will lay his head down and do nothing. It took him 3 months to figure out how to scrape his plate in the trash and put everything else in the sink. He was throwing everything in the trash. I wondered why my spoons kept disappearing.

His parents do everything for him. I have asked his older brother if he dresses brother dresses himself. He said no he can't he is too little, I asked if he clears his spot from dinner same response, also asked about bathroom time. Brother says that someone has to go with him or he will leave the water run, and needs help because well you know he is too little.This mother wakes at night when he is coughing and will go and check his temp, because well he is little and he could have a fever. You know he was coughing.

SO, this is what I do. I show him, help him and then have him do it on his own. We do this over and over everyday. He is getting SO much better. I don't expect his mother to change but, I do see dcb changing and growing.

[Josiegirl]

I find it ironic that so many 2 yos come into that phase where all they can say is No or Me do it. Yours doesn't seem to have any voice for anything. Wow.
Have you had a sit-down talk with dcm and lay it on the line with her? Point out to her(in a nice way of course! ) the effects of what she's doing and the concerns you have? Maybe you could win her over to help you help their child to become more independent. Is this a dcm who doesn't want to see her baby grow up? Is she afraid of her child getting hurt? Is she a controlling person? Or just with her child? Is her child afraid of making a mistake or getting into trouble?
I just don't understand the child I guess. I've seen some pretty over protective and helicoptering parents but their children have always been engaged mentally and physically.