Assistant with Nursing Toddler

[NeedaVaca]

Heidi, for some reason I can't quote you, maybe because the font is blue? ::

I think that's great that all your kids put themselves to bed; one of ours is close, the "difficult" one is off and on, but if he's stressed when he goes to bed it's much harder. Mine takes about 10 minutes usually.

She's mentioned wanting to get them all to go right to bed so she can have a break, so I say "Let's make sure you get a break every day, no matter what. We can get all the kids down then you disappear to your room for an hour. I'll take care of everyone as they start waking up."

She follows that with "Well, I just think they all need to be able to get themselves to sleep". Does she mean that in theory, all children should be able to self-soothe and put themselves to sleep by 17, 20, or 23 months? If so, it's really not up to her what children "should" be able to do. I've told her, if she wants me to I'll just stick the other kids in their playpens, close the door, and walk away. That's what she says her friend does, and after some crying, they eventually "get over it". It's not what I do with my daughter, and I'm not going to, but I'll do it if she wants me to for the others. That's where it gets sticky, I know. That's why I was trying to start working with my daughter to transition her into being able to put her in the pnp. I honestly don't know how long it would take, and it would require some help from the owner. So, I can see why she wouldn't be interested.

I thought I could fix it by saying she could take a break when all the kids were down, and I"d deal with mine then. Nope. It wasn't enough, she just wanted to make sure I knew that none of her kids ever needed any help to sleep, ever, (except that the third one did, she needed to be physically held still until she was about 2 in order to fall asleep. But somehow that's different She always says "I just didn't give her a choice, it wasn't up to her, she had to take a nap!" Saying I don't do that with mine... :confused: ) Her husband also recently revealed that 2 of the 3 cried it out for a couple weeks to learn to sleep. I don't care that that's what happened, just that the owner claimed they never had any trouble getting their kids to sleep, so clearly I've been doing something wrong

She has told you what she expects, you aren't willing to do the same for your daughter. You want special for your daughter. She needs to stay home with dad while you work. You need to follow your bosses instructions or find a new job. You have been given a ton of advice at this point, take from it what you will.

FYI-I care for 5 DCK's on my own plus 2 of my own. All of my DCK's go happily to sleep, no tears, no rocking or rubbing backs, they lay down and sleep ages 12mo-4. Routine is key.

[NightOwl]

I do agree with BC that the husband needs to man up and be a husband and father, or excuse himself from the relationship. Or op should do it for him. He sounds like a deadbeat dad. Won't (until very recently) watch his own child, works when he feels like it, has other problems that make op not trust him. What does he do during the day if he only works sporadically? Sleep? Play video games? Hang with friends? While you're busting your butt to feed him and put a roof over his head?

[CraftyMom]

FYI-I care for 5 DCK's on my own plus 2 of my own. All of my DCK's go happily to sleep, no tears, no rocking or rubbing backs, they lay down and sleep ages 12mo-4. Routine is key.

Mine too, except my ages are 3 months - 3.5 years. They run to their mats and cover themselves up. I recently had 2 difficult new starts, but now they are happy nappers also

[preschoolteacher]

FYI-I care for 5 DCK's on my own plus 2 of my own. All of my DCK's go happily to sleep, no tears, no rocking or rubbing backs, they lay down and sleep ages 12mo-4. Routine is key.

Same here. It took a little bit of time, but not much. Everyone happily goes to bed and STAYS in bed reading books until naptime is over. They are between 13 months and 28 months old.

[midaycare]

Mine too, except my ages are 3 months - 3.5 years. They run to their mats and cover themselves up. I recently had 2 difficult new starts, but now they are happy nappers also

Can I see your 3 month old run to a mat? I kid, I kid

[CraftyMom]

Can I see your 3 month old run to a mat? I kid, I kid

::::::

I noticed that after I posted and chuckled to myself!

[Elko]

About my husband, we have our difficulties, I don't feel comfortable getting into details so you have to just trust me that it's been the best situation, out a lot of options, for us to be in. I've gone over and over every possible option and for my child to be raised safely and well-adjusted I have to do what I'm doing. And anyone saying I need to just "tell him" to do what I need him to do, may not have lived with an unsupportive partner with their own major issues...

Today the owner and I talked more, of course, and there are potentially 2 more toddlers starting in the next few weeks. The owner mentioned putting 4 pnps in one room, and putting everyone down and just staying in there with them while they go to sleep... we went back and forth on my nursing, she finally claimed she never acted like my nursing was causing any issues, and I had to point out that she continually criticized it as bad parenting. She kept doing it, and I kept saying "stop! What you did and what you think about my parenting is absolutely unrelated to how it affects your business!" She kept insisting she just wanted to do what got everyone to sleep fastest, without just sticking them in a crib and closing the door. I said "The fastest way to get my kid down is for me to nurse her. It takes no more time than the other kids, so I'm just going to keep doing it and making sure it doesn't affect you or the others". She had absolutely no argument to it, she just REALLY wanted to point out that I'm being controlled by my toddler, and it's going to be hard for me in the long run

I was starting to feel for her after a weekend talking with you guys, but it really became clear that she just wants to push her ideas on me and my routine with my daughter really doesn't negatively impact her life at all. So even though she thought I should keep bringing her in every day for "consistency" (in relation to training her to sleep on her own, which turned out to not be necessary) I'm going to continue leaving her at home most days so the issue just sort of fizzles on it's own. Hopefully.

My husband apparently had a rough day with our daughter today, and I got stuck WAY late at work because dcm got stuck way late at HER work... Bah.

I'll update, as we see how things go...

[Elko]

Also, those who say their kids all go to bed easily with no help, did you do a CIO period to cause it? Or did they all arrive sleep-trained? Just curious...

[NightOwl]

I think there's no way to avoid a little unhappiness at nap time at first. New environment, new person, new routine. Idk if you'd call that CIO, but yes, it took some time and effort for my kids to go to sleep without fussing. And on occasion, they still do. If they're grumpy or overly tired or are thinking I'm going to have a party without them the instant they close their eyes, then they may fuss for a minute before drifting off. I have found that spending lots of time bedside with them actually extends the amount of time it takes for them to fall asleep.

[midaycare]

I didn't breastfed - my milk never came in. But I did do a lot of attachment parenting and ds slept with us for a long time. I didn't plan it that way and didnt even know what I was doing had a name ...

To this day (ds is 7) - I love it when he hops in bed with us. DH does not, so it generally only happens when he is sick.

We did CIO when ds was 3. Before then I would let him fall asleep in our bed and then move him. I never needed ds to be on a schedule...

You will figure it out when the time is right. CIO will have to happen at some point, but it doesn't have to happen until you are ready.

[Cradle2crayons]

Also, those who say their kids all go to bed easily with no help, did you do a CIO period to cause it? Or did they all arrive sleep-trained? Just curious...

Babies are born able TO sleep... It's our job to teach them the skills to do it on their own... Without bouncing, patting, rocking, swinging, and other forms of "entertainment".

That said, the earlier you start sleep training... The better...and the less crying and stress involved.

But at the age of your LO, it will take time and patience. Your little one CAN LEARN, but they are depending on YOU to teach them.

[Elko]

No, I believe she'll learn to self-soothe and put herself to sleep on her own timeline. She's making progress, already asking to sleep on her own bed sometimes, sometimes moving around and going to sleep on her own instead of nursing to sleep, etc. It just takes longer when you don't "force" it with sleep training.

I have nothing against OTHER people sleep-training, not claiming anyone's harming their baby or anything like that, I just choose not to do it. There is a lot of info online if you want to see if I'm just making it up or if it's a legitimate way of parenting

I was asking as far as your daycare kids, did you let them cry it out for a while before they got used to sleeping there? I assume their parents would have told you if they didn't sleep train, and it would have been complicated (which is why I avoided daycare until now because I didn't want to annoy someone with a back and forth over whether my daughter would sleep for them with no crying).

Now I know she'd sleep for anyone willing to spend 5-10 minutes, but I'm still not willing to leave her crying alone in a room, or leave her with anyone who will.

[Unregistered]

Good sleep is all about HABIT.
As a parent, you set up the habit from birth.
Train them to sleep alone, or train them to sleep with parents.
Train them to sleep in a crib, or train them to sleep in a device.
It's ALL sleep "training".

[Heidi]

No, I believe she'll learn to self-soothe and put herself to sleep on her own timeline. She's making progress, already asking to sleep on her own bed sometimes, sometimes moving around and going to sleep on her own instead of nursing to sleep, etc. It just takes longer when you don't "force" it with sleep training.

I have nothing against OTHER people sleep-training, not claiming anyone's harming their baby or anything like that, I just choose not to do it. There is a lot of info online if you want to see if I'm just making it up or if it's a legitimate way of parenting

I was asking as far as your daycare kids, did you let them cry it out for a while before they got used to sleeping there? I assume their parents would have told you if they didn't sleep train, and it would have been complicated (which is why I avoided daycare until now because I didn't want to annoy someone with a back and forth over whether my daughter would sleep for them with no crying).

Now I know she'd sleep for anyone willing to spend 5-10 minutes, but I'm still not willing to leave her crying alone in a room, or leave her with anyone who will.

To be honest, my "best" sleepers have been here since they were tiny babies (6 weeks). I never had to let them "CIO" because they just never needed to. From the first day I had them here, they were put to bed awake , tucked in (we can use blankets here...tightly fitted around the edge of the mattress or swaddle).

The only one who does make a fuss is the one I inherited at 9 months. She had been napping in a swing (at the "babysitters") until that point. I tried to be as gentle as possible and always prepared her before nap with our routines (for instance, she's still always the last one down so she can see the others going to bed). But, most days, she still protests for about a minute before caving and going to sleep. She's been here 5 months. In the beginning, that would be 7-8 minutes, beginning the moment we walked into the bedroom she sleeps in. So, an improvement, and some days she just lays down and doesn't peep.

[NightOwl]

What's with the tags? I could see "the Neverending thread", but "the dynamic of bad behavior"? Who's bad behavior? Mom isn't behaving badly, it's just her parenting style and the issues that come with it. And "train wreck"? Really?? There are a few threads on the forum that would be considered a train wreck, but not this one. It's been civil and professional throughout. Jmho.