A Poem My Daughter Wrote About Me Doing Daycare :(

[hope]

Can i suggest hiring a sub for times when you would like to go to dd's school functions and an occasional girl day for yourselves. It costs a little extra (sometimes a lot) but we'll worth it. I save up for such occasions.

[Play Care]

Okay. I read it and had to walk away to think about this some. I was in this situation also with my 9yo DD and I had a heart to heart with her about it. After thinking about you and my situation and after mulling over it some here is what I have to say, I'm going to try to talk you off the ledge.

As heart breaking as it is for your daughter to feel this way and for you to feel what you feel right now knowing that this is how your daughter feels I think you should take into consideration (and talk to DD about it) that unless you can stay home without struggling financially and not do daycare ... you doing daycare is the better option. I'll tell you why (for me at least) it is the better option and how I approached the subject with my DD.

If I didn't do daycare I would need to work elsewhere out of the home. That would mean that my 11mo and my 3yo would need to go to a full-day daycare and my 9yo would be at school all day and then need after school care. That wouldn't give my children more time with me than I get now. In fact, I would see my children less.

- But the quality time wouldn't be spent with my kids because of my responsibility to the DCK's - This is true, but i would BE there. Being there and being able to have at least some interaction with my children is better than someone else having that interaction with my children. On top of that I think about how if my kids were in group care they still would have to share that caregiver's attention as well. So they would get the same, if not less, attention from the caregiver (because no one is going to love them like I do) but they would now also see me less.

- I miss a lot of their school functions - My child's school holds a lot of it's function during normal work hours. I missed a lot of her functions anyway BEFORE I did daycare when she was in preschool BECAUSE of this. I need to WORK to get paid. My job wasn't as understanding when I told them that my DD had a preschool recital, celebration or field trip during work hours that I wanted to attend. They wouldn't give me the time off. If I'm already going to miss these events I'd rather be at home with my children even if that means I have to share my attention. For functions in the evenings I can close early, leave my DC with the children of late parents (and charge them for it) or I can change my hours.

- My kids are frustrated because of the chaos - I try harder at being proactive in preventing problems rather than being reactive after it becomes a problem. I spend nap time with my kids, take a few minutes out of the day to share a story with just my child and I allow my child to takes breaks away from the daycare to spend time by herself in her room. I remind myself that yes sometimes there is a lot of crying but there is crying and chaos among my own children because they are siblings and heaven forbid they get along with each other or even tolerate each other for longer than 5 minutes. It is normal child behavior.

It's hard. And heartbreaking. And frustrating. Feeling like you're between a rock and hard place is stressful. We are not super humans and life is full of hard choices. I chose the lesser of two evils. You can figure out what is most important to you and what benefits your family the most and then be proud that you are doing the best for your family, even if that decision doesn't feel completely right.

We as moms carry around the burden of the feelings and emotions of our family. We have to make sacrifices that our children don't always understand and may at the moment resent us for but from my personal experience when I grew up and looked back at my mom's sacrifices that I hated her for I understood the reasons behind her choices and I admired and respected her for them.

For now just take the time to talk to her and to listen. Maybe schedule some regular mom/daughter time for yourselves. Hang in there. lovethis

[SunshineMama]

OMG I cried reading that, thinking about my kids.

Sometimes I find myself forcing myself to be extra nice to the dck's, so they go home happy and tell mom and dad how much fun they have, but I often forget to do it with my own kids, bc I get so busy with the dck's.

Thank you for sharing this. It hits home hard.

[CraftyMom]

Sobbing like a baby! And wondering if my kids feels the same?

I decided though NOT to miss my kids school functions. I will not make it to every one of them, but I will make it to most. Today I opened at noon so I could go to my daughter's kindergarten graduation (they called it an awards ceremony, but it was a graduation, so I am soooo glad I didn't miss it!)

Parents sure were annoyed at me opening late, but guess what? I don't care! I gave them lots of notice and I understand (even if they don't ) that I will not get a do over or get these years back!

[childcaremom]

Same here! She walks in the door at 3pm when all the littles are waking up, needing to be changed and it is also snack time 15 min. later.....plus she is walking in with 2 other School age kids who come right off the bus with her.

It is so hard to balance everyone's needs. So hard. I have been closed down for almost 2 weeks now but I can relate to this and almost every other comment here.

MV has some good suggestions. Just one little thing I did in relation to the above comment: I moved nap time to let my kids come home to a sleeping house and let us have 20-30 mins of catch up time together. Best part of the day. Maybe have an activity set up and ready for the SAs she comes home with and spend a few mins just with her to reconnect after her school day.

Scheduling a regular mom/daughter date is a great idea, too. My kids love those.

:hug:

[midaycare]

I agree with a pp who mentioned that if you had to work outside the home, you would actually see her less. This allows her to come home and see you, relax, and be in her own home.

It's a heartbreaking letter, and maybe also speaks to the fact that she sees you are very stressed out right now.

:hug::hug::hug:

I have worked full time outside the home, worked part time outside the home, been a stay at home mom - since financially I wanted to make some money, this is the best option. Part time isn't worth it, and full time means I don't see my son from before school until 5:30-6:30 at night, depending on the job and location. Then I'm exhausted and have to process my busy day and a crappy boss and worry about keeping my job and pleasing my boss. No thanks! I'm much happier here, and fortunately, my son realizes that this is better than me outside the home. He remembers having me gone (he is almost 7).

I'm so sorry about the sad poem. I hope you get to talk things out with her.

[Blackcat31]

This is a poem that my almost 12 year old DD wrote....they pick up a lot more than we think I guess. This poem breaks my heart but I am impressed at how well written it is. (I fixed the spelling errors for the post though ) .

Your DD is not alone in how she feels. My DH felt VERY similar growing up in his mom's daycare 40+ years ago...

https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41913

(((hugs))) to you and your DD. We will never be the "perfect" parent but we can be the best parent we can be right now.

[DaisyMamma]

wow. my kids feel the same. ive started a new career and hope to be done with the switch in a year.

[llpa]

Wow!! One thing you can be proud of is that you raised an intelligent and insightful daughter who loves you and has compassion for you. lovethis the perfect answer never exists. :hug:

[Chellieleanne]

aww I couldn't help but cry! My oldest is only 3 but it makes me so happy I am deciding to just be done when my third is born in September. I don't need the income fortunately which does help my decision but I can't imagine not being there for my kids. My mom stayed home from the time my brother was born( I was 11) until my brother was 10, he is now 13 and I am 24. and as much as it annoyed me I was glad because I had a ride to practices and always had her at my performances and what not. I hope my kids will grow up to be able to be able to talk to me like that(even in poem form).

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: you keep doing what you need to do and hopefully you can work something out to spend more time with your daughter!

[TwinKristi]

oohhh, that broke my heart and i'm crying now...because i'm 99% sure my daughter (6.5) feels identically. Your daughter is amazingly well-spoken (written?) and kudos to you for raising her to feel comfortable voicing this to you at all!

I'm crying too... I'm sure my kids feel this way too sometimes

But like MV said, if I wasn't home found DC my kids would be in daycare or after school care until I got off work and the stress when they're sick would be more, etc. I've recently found a sub who I can call on for things in the future. Class parties, drs appts, etc.

[Laurel]

Maybe you could make dinner a time when you absolutely don't talk about daycare and that would help.

Laurel

[dionmartin216]

OMG this is so real. Your daughter amazing. I know that is how mine feel too. They both have said so many times. Sometimes I think to myself....it's sometimes not fair to them to have to share their home, food,toys

[Mom of 4]

AWWW!!!

Part of the reason I work OUTSIDE the home now is because my kids HATED me doing the daycare after so many years. That and I was burnt out, underpaid, and overwhelmed.

My kids begged me to stay home and NOT run a daycare and NOT work. I had to make a choice. It was SO hard. My kids were not happy with me being so miserable, and I'll admit, by the time I was done for the day, I was TOO TIRED to even give my kids the time they deserved.


It's such a HARD thing. We do it to stay home with the kids, but then sometimes, it backfires, especially if you're too nice.

I would give ANYTHING to not have to work, but society/America today is so impossible, you just can't live without 2 incomes, unless you're lucky enough to have a spouse that makes a decent living.

I am vying for a work at home job now, with my current job, and at least I could save the commute, make breakfast, do my shift and LOG OUT. Then I have my 3 days off with the kids. Since we flip-flop our days off, the kids only go to child care 2x per week, and so we can finally make the time for them. IT IS HARD and I'm still VERY tired...but at the same time, I think they all need the time away and it's worked out.

Not everyone can afford to quit, though...especially if you have babies that don't go to school. I offer HUGE HUGS to all our Daycare Providers, including my own.

[Michelle]

Marina Vanessa,
You always have the best advice!
:hug: