Am I Wrong? Letter Help

[gracepatiencelove]

I have a 8mo DCG. Her mom is... well.. a little out there. She's made some crazy semi-almost-kind-of-accusations and throws out BS a lot, but she generally pays on time (although that's a whole 'nudder thread, ugh). I've had mannnnny issues with this family, all in all.

Okay. So. On one day last week she arrived and I had a friend, her hubby, and their 15 mo old over. We were talking about possible daycare because they are in a really bad spot and she has to work after hours of the centers they've used, they were super unhappy with the center, etc.

DCM gets weird about it, I introduce them in passing, give her her Mothers Day gift, and move on. THEN, DCM's mom picks up while my little brother is here (our parents are on vacation and he's a young teen, barely bathes without reminders) and my sister dropping him off. She evidently asks DCM about it (and the vibe I get is a very "I don't trust you" vibe (from DCM's mom)). I reply. I then state I don't just let anyone wander in, and I do not do interviews during care hours unless it is someone I know very well.

WELL. This AM she gets here and says, "are you having any one over today?" I said, no, I have another mom stopping by to finish her paperwork tonight. And she said, "After I leave right?" (with baby, I assume) I said Nope, interviews over and they are enrolling, she will be here around your pick up time have a good day bye bye!

I think I know why it's suddenly a big issue. I put my foot down re payment, supplies (7 months of asking for THE SAME THINGS!!!), etc. Now it's an issue.

So, is sending her this text/letter me being crazy? Or is she in the right?

I believe I am in the right for disliking the questioning and 3rd degree because 1.) my family is NEVER going to be not allowed in my home. They are not hanging out 24/7. I rarely let anyone visit even for playdates. It was just a weird week!

my text/letter: I am getting an unsure vibe from you. I would never do anything that detracted from my ability to care for my children or children in my care nor allow anything to happen that negatively impacts them. If after X months you cannot trust my judgement I do not think you ever will. Trust does not include multiple questions. I am sorry this did not work out. In the hopes of ending amicably I will refund you for Friday and void any spoken agreement about a 2 weeks notice. I can also give you some numbers of local childcare providers.


I dont really want to term her. But this is just unacceptable behavior to me. I don't think it would be such a big deal but it is ON TOP OF many many other small issues. It's the straw that broke the camels back. It's been a heck of a lot of straws with this lady!!! I just don't know how to deal with THIS. With MAJOR issues I've given two weeks notice and moved on.

[gracepatiencelove]

sorry this is all over the place, trying to make breakfast, do AM diaper changes and prep for the day.

[Shell]

I know what you mean here. Often times my parents are here after dropping ds off from swim lessons and they are here during pick ups. Times when my dh is also home means there's 4 or 5 adults around for a few minutes and I often wonder if the parents think I just "hang out " all day when it just happens to coincide with pick up. I would feel uncomfortable if a parent ever doubted my judgement like this. If you don't want to term, I would have an open conversation. If you want to term, use a generic term letter, "your child's last day is..." and explain further in person.

[Unregistered]

I know what you mean here. Often times my parents are here after dropping ds off from swim lessons and they are here during pick ups. Times when my dh is also home means there's 4 or 5 adults around for a few minutes and I often wonder if the parents think I just "hang out " all day when it just happens to coincide with pick up. I would feel uncomfortable if a parent ever doubted my judgement like this. If you don't want to term, I would have an open conversation. If you want to term, use a generic term letter, "your child's last day is..." and explain further in person.

Op here

That's it! I feel super uncomfortable about it. I think it's really MORE about grandma than anything. I don't think ANYTHING I did or didn't so would please her.

[Blackcat31]

Honestly what you said in the text was perfect but I wouldn't send it in a text.

I would directly address it with DCM.

I think that although you don't want to term this family, you probably should. Sounds to me like she (DCM) doesn't like being told what to do and wants to be the one in control. She should probably hire a nanny in her own home so she doesn't have to stress about visitors.

[gracepatiencelove]

Honestly what you said in the text was perfect but I wouldn't send it in a text.

I would directly address it with DCM.

I think that although you don't want to term this family, you probably should. Sounds to me like she (DCM) doesn't like being told what to do and wants to be the one in control. She should probably hire a nanny in her own home so she doesn't have to stress about visitors.

I DEFINITELY think this is a power thing.I was stupid and agreed to a lot in the beginning (first family) and let her dictate a lot, and it didn't really bother me at the time but now I see why it is a problem to allow X or Y behaviors or actions or inaction's.

[gracepatiencelove]

Honestly what you said in the text was perfect but I wouldn't send it in a text.

I would directly address it with DCM.

I think that although you don't want to term this family, you probably should. Sounds to me like she (DCM) doesn't like being told what to do and wants to be the one in control. She should probably hire a nanny in her own home so she doesn't have to stress about visitors.

I have been told that on here so many times. I don't know why I haven't yet. Especially when I get so many calls and easily can without taking a hit! I guess she is super nice in her own way... .just mega controlling in another. I sort of feel like if I put my foot down it should end the problems.

I went ahead and simply texted, "I'm getting the vibe you are not comfortable with things here. Is there anything you want to discuss?"

[Shell]

I have been told that on here so many times. I don't know why I haven't yet. Especially when I get so many calls and easily can without taking a hit! I guess she is super nice in her own way... .just mega controlling in another. I sort of feel like if I put my foot down it should end the problems.

I went ahead and simply texted, "I'm getting the vibe you are not comfortable with things here. Is there anything you want to discuss?"

Make sure to give us an update. That was a great text!

[gracepatiencelove]

Make sure to give us an update. That was a great text!

Thanks! I'm glad I have this forum to vent or I probably would've been a little less nice

She was like, "yeah, I have a problem with any other adult being there for any reason"

So, we hashed it out. I said there is no way I can say, no one is ever allowed over for any reason. This is my HOME. I am NOT turning my mother away from seeing her kids when she's home AS LONG AS she does not detract from my ability to care for the kids or negatively impact them, swear like a sailor, etc. I did write up a policy I will implement but at the same time, I don't know. I'm probably going to make a thread about this. I think when I am full it will be different than when I only have an extra kiddo or two.

Well anyway. She clearly wanted center policies (has the whole time!). I'm glad we can end this amicably (she evidently can't distrust me since she's still sending her kids to me for the next few weeks ). I think she just has faith in the system working better than individuals.

[gracepatiencelove]

Anyway, I am glad the end is in sight. I was going to term over the summer, anyway. I feel a little upset I lost the chance to tell her that . But our issues have been...

constantly questioning everything
trying to tell me we could not go outside without express premission
interrogating about bruises
loooooonnnnnng days
not paying for the spot but for attendance (my fault)
taking at least one day off unpaid a month
bringing baby after dosing with tylenol after I said DO NOT DO THIS like the day before
interrogating about the neighbors
oh, gosh, the list goes on and on and on.


Anyway... now that I think about it. I do not think this was about visitors! I think this was about me saying, in the fall, this is all changing - you are paying for the spot (I am a little pricier than most centers but hasn't stopped the calls and enrollments!). You are limited on hours of care. You HAVE to bring supplies. Etc etc. Is that pretty typical?! Because up to this point it has been YES WE ARE COMING. DEFINITELY.

[CraftyMom]

I had a similar mom. Gave me the 3rd degree over everything. I was under a microscope which I hated

For example: One day my husband's friend stopped by to pick up a tool. I didn't even know about it, it was literally 2 minutes, he went around to the back of the garage where my husband was, and never stepped foot in the house. This dcm shows up as he's leaving and starts drilling me about who "this strange man was that was in my yard" I had no answers and said no one was here. She started getting upset, thinking I was hiding something. I then got my husband and asked if anyone was here, he says oh yeah, so and so stopped by to grab a tool. So now dcm is upset because I didn't know there was "a strange man" walking around our property.

Needless to say I was frustrated and laid into my poor husband about letting me know if someone is here, who in turn got angry with me because he couldn't have a friend stop by for a minute.

Another time my mil stopped by to drop off some art supplies (she works at a craft company). Another 2 minute visit. Of course dcm's husband is picking up at the same time. Another interrogation

I also had LOTS of small issues with this family, wanting nanny type care. Ultimately they didn't like my policies and got a nanny!

I rarely have people over during daycare hours. It's frustrating that I can't have friends and family stop by like I'm a prisoner in my home all day.

I understand the concern of course. Parents are trusting us with their children, but that's the point...TRUST us!

Here anyone over 15 that is regularly on the premises during daycare hours needs a cori check. No one fits this, since no one is here regularly. I can't see having everyone I know have a cori check just in case they stop by for a minute

[NightOwl]

Does this lady not get that this is your HOME?? I would be so offended. And no one would tell me who I could have in my home or question my judgement. Don't trust me? Well there's plenty of others who do! Buh bye! Keep us updated please!

[cheerfuldom]

I have been told that on here so many times. I don't know why I haven't yet. Especially when I get so many calls and easily can without taking a hit! I guess she is super nice in her own way... .just mega controlling in another. I sort of feel like if I put my foot down it should end the problems.

I went ahead and simply texted, "I'm getting the vibe you are not comfortable with things here. Is there anything you want to discuss?"

She is not super nice, she is manipulative. Use this is a learning experience to tell the difference.

[SillyGrl]

I once took my kids to a lady who had a different mom complain about her having people stay at her home without the background check. She was taking vacation days and had family from out of town staying at her home for the weekend. I was so shocked that someone felt they had a right to dictate whether or not family visited while she was closed.

[gracepatiencelove]

She is not super nice, she is manipulative. Use this is a learning experience to tell the difference.

Yeah... I guess you are right.

I know one thing for sure. I am going over all expectations in an interview. I am not going through another nearly year long process like this. No way, no how.

I *AM* glad it is ending on good terms and I didn't have to term this summer. I think she would've been pretty PO'd

NOW my problem is, I expected her back in the fall and filled her spot with summer-only kids. I'm full, but they go off to K in the fall. Ugh. So I want to advertise for the spot in the fall, but how?! I guess I could do ad's directed at teachers...