OT - Help Talking with Child

[Unregistered]

I am a regular member but logged out for privacy. I was hoping to get some advice.

I have a 3 yo son and 5 yo daughter. They are very close with my parents (mostly my mom). My parents recently (after 40 years of marriage) separated.

My mom has been talking poorly about my dad a lot since the separation. I don't mind her talking with me about it, but do not want my children to hear it. A few times my mom has said things in front of my children, and I have pointed it out and requested that she stop.

This past weekend, my mother watched my kids. When I came to get them, she again made some sarcastic comments about my dad (in front of my kids). I don't think she even realizes she is doing it.

Now I am worried what she is saying while I am not around. I want to ask my children about it, but don't know how to approach it or how to ask. I want to know what is going on, but at the same time do not want to plant seeds in their heads about it.

I don't want to not allow her to see them, as she has told me that me that they are her only joy in life at the moment.

This has been such a difficult time and I am trying my best to shelter my babies from this situation.

Has anyone else gone through this? What do I say/do? Please help. TYIA!

[melilley]

I went through that with my own parents when I was younger and I remember crying over it several times.

All you can really do is talk to your mom and tell her how you feel; that you don't want her talking badly about your dad in front of them and what it could do to them emotionally.

If she doesn't listen you may have to not let her see the kids until she can stop talking about your dad in front of them. It's gotta be hard for your mom since this is recent. She probably has a lot of resentment and things may just come flying out. Hopefully after some time, she'll have some peace with it and it won't happen anymore.

[NightOwl]

I went through that with my own parents when I was younger and I remember crying over it several times.

All you can really do is talk to your mom and tell her how you feel; that you don't want her talking badly about your dad in front of them and what it could do to them emotionally.

If she doesn't listen you may have to not let her see the kids until she can stop talking about your dad in front of them. It's gotta be hard for your mom since this is recent. She probably has a lot of resentment and things may just come flying out. Hopefully after some time, she'll have some peace with it and it won't happen anymore.

This.
And she must respect your position as their mom. If you make a simple request, it should be honored.

[Heidi]

For your kids, you might just say that Grandma is kind of mad at Grandpa right now, and so sometimes she says mean things. It's not okay, but Grandma isn't usually mean, and you love Grandma a lot, so maybe she just needs some extra hugs right now.

For your mom, since she's probably not even aware that she's doing it at the time she's doing it, maybe you could work out a signal of some sort? Pull your ear, or the old "lock the lips" sign?

It's okay that she's angry, and it's okay to talk about it...just not in front of the kids.

[TwinKristi]

For your kids, you might just say that Grandma is kind of mad at Grandpa right now, and so sometimes she says mean things. It's not okay, but Grandma isn't usually mean, and you love Grandma a lot, so maybe she just needs some extra hugs right now.

For your mom, since she's probably not even aware that she's doing it at the time she's doing it, maybe you could work out a signal of some sort? Pull your ear, or the old "lock the lips" sign?

It's okay that she's angry, and it's okay to talk about it...just not in front of the kids.

This is always hard for people, my mom & dad really made a point to never say anything bad about the other to me. But my dads GF once talked a bunch of trash about my mom to me as a teen. Looking back I should have clocked her! Haha! :: But she was just a miserable hag looking for drama.

I would never be ok with someone doing that to my kids and I think you need to have a (another?) good heart to heart with Grandma about preserving a relationship between them and their Grandpa. He may not be her husband anymore, but he's still your father and their grandfather!

[midaycare]

Uuugh. Sorry. I was there with my own parents, who divorced when I was in college, and then when my mother felt like she always had to bash my father to my son.

After 15 years she is finally (finally!) over it. I tried to be as sympathetic as I could - my dad really was a mean person towards her. But when it came to my son, she was not allowed to say anything negative. I ended up telling her that any negative talk about any other family members would mean I couldn't allow my son to spend time alone with her. She quickly learned that I meant it.

I wouldn't mention it to your kids. Why bring it up and drill in the point, when hopefully they weren't listening or it already faded from their memory? I would just re-address it with your mother, but this time a little more sternly - yet still kindly - sounds like she is pretty devastated.

[Unregistered]

Thank you all for your responses!

So just re-address it with my mom?
I should NOT mention it to my kids?

I think my 3yo (if he is even paying attention) probably lets it go in one ear and out the other and doesn't think anything of it. He doesn't seem to be affected.

On the other hand, I can see my 5 yo DD trying to listen to conversations and trying to figure out what is going on. Should I just leave it and see if she comes to me or try to explain it a little more?

[Unregistered]

I would think at their age they would have made some sort of mention or questioned the comments by now (assuming they are close to your mom AND dad), at least your 5 yo if not your 3 yo.

Is it possible that your 5yo is trying to listen because she has not seen as much of your dad since the separation and simply hears him being mentioned and she is suddenly interested?

If I was in your situation, every time my mom brought it up or made a snide comment, I would say "Why don't we go somewhere else and talk, mom? I'm hear to listen if you need me but I don't want the kids to hear us talking poorly about anyone"

Your mom might be being immature or petty, but she also might just need to talk to someone in order to work through her feelings. Maybe she is hurting, or if she was the one who asked for the separation maybe she is having second thoughts or just needs to think out loud.

I wish I could say it was that easy to keep kids shielded from all of this stuff but it seems like all of us have been exposed to it somewhere down the line when we were children.

Good luck to you and your mom hopefully everything will smooth over soon.