Help Me Stop The Hitting And Pulling Hair: 15m

[TaylorTots]

15m DCB has been hitting with hands and toys as well as pulling hair. It was only with his main playmate (12m DCG) and I was able to prevent by shadowing and it didn't happen that often but its progressing quickly in the last 2 weeks - even with me right there he's hitting with everything, pushing and pulling hair faster than I can intervene. There's no cause - just that there is a child there to hit or pull their hair - he even smiles and giggles when he does it. What am I doing wrong? I mean when I am not shadowing he is in the highchair (e.g. making meals).

The big kids are in tears from pulled hair and the 12m old is going to end up with boo-boo reports daily at this rate from him getting in one good hit with a wooden block before I can stop it.

Help me fix this. He's been a great kid and obviously at a learning stage and I'm not being successful in my shadowing. And.... is his behavior normal? Mom keeps asking me and I've never had a child under 2 show these behaviors so I don't know what to tell her.

[cheerfuldom]

Separate him if you cant be right there next to him. Also, talk the parents. Because he is giggling and playing while hurting others, my guess is that mom and dad encourage or laugh at this behavior at home or allow him/her to harass the pets, big siblings or other friends. Some parents (sadly, many parents.....) put up with the slapping and hair pulling for far to long because they dont see it as a big deal or because it would never occur to them to address bad behavior with their toddler, who was their little baby just yesterday.

[TaylorTots]

Separate him if you cant be right there next to him. Also, talk the parents. Because he is giggling and playing while hurting others, my guess is that mom and dad encourage or laugh at this behavior at home or allow him/her to harass the pets, big siblings or other friends. Some parents (sadly, many parents.....) put up with the slapping and hair pulling for far to long because they dont see it as a big deal or because it would never occur to them to address bad behavior with their toddler, who was their little baby just yesterday.

Thanks!

DCM claims he is always perfect at playdates. No siblings (DCM is due Dec with #2), but there is a family dog. I am just at a loss on what to do. I was planning on talking to DCM again, last time she was so worried that I was going to "kick them out" because of it. She goes from serious about it to brushing it off depending on her mood. We are a long way off of "kicking out", I just need to find a safe way for him to play and work through the behavior. I hate removing him from the group so much (it adds up to a lot of the time I have to simply bring him away from the group even while shadowing him because the other kids get frustrated with him constantly doing these things for 10 minutes straight while they are trying to play) because it means that he isn't learning how to play correctly with others, at the same time I need to keep those children safe.

So...ask DCM if he hit, pinch, push, hair pull the family dog by chance and follow it up with the information that DCB was removed from group play a lot today due to those behaviors and I will be continuing to shadow him and remove him from group play as needed until it is resolved?

[Heidi]

You know, really at this age, it's more parallel play than "group play" anyway. Yes, they interact, but it's not like the older kids. I think putting him nearby, with some toys, is perfectly ok.

He's has no sense of empathy at all yet. He can't think "gosh, when someone hits me it hurts, so I shouldn't hit others". Mostly, he probably likes the reaction. That feels powerful, right? It sounds like a pattern; his payoff is that big reaction he gets, coupled with a lack of expressive language to communicate what he wants, coupled with a complete lack of ability to understand anyone else's viewpoint (yet).

I would separate as you have, shadow, etc. Don't feel guilty about that. You are keeping everyone safe, and his opportunity to build that pattern is lessened. Better that than he is labeled "the bully". Hey, most of us older people grew up being put in playpens a lot more than kids now. My mom had way too much to do to have me "loose" all the time like kids are now. When she could supervise me, she did, of course. But, if she had to iron or cook or whatever, it was pnp time. Still I walked before my 1st birthday.

I'd also consider more redirection instead of "don't hit", if you can stop him before it happens. So, if he's got his hand up and is about to launch, then you stop him, but don't react much. Instead, try "hey, lets go play with....". I'm basing this on his age, because an older child has more ability to scheme.

When you separate him, don't tell him it's because he hits his friends. It just is. He's simply not ready for that level of play, but he will be at some point. I really think less opportunity and less reaction will help tremendously.