How To Put A Toddler To Bed In 100 Easy Steps.......

[Meeko]

Just wanted to share!

HOW TO PUT A TODDLER TO BED IN 100 EASY STEPS

1. Announce that it's time to go to bed.

2. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.

3. Explain that bedtime is not a punishment.

4. Explain that bedtime is not a new concept.

5. Explain that, yes, bedtime will happen every night.

6. Console your toddler.

7. Announce that it's still bedtime.

8. Let your toddler know that we don't call names in this house.

9. Tell your toddler it's time to go upstairs.

10. Watch your toddler move at a snail's pace.

11. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.

12. Pick up your toddler.

13. Walk your toddler upstairs.

14. Pick out the wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler.

15. Pick out another wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler.

16. Explain that the right pair of pajamas are in the wash.

17. Explain that you will not be doing a load of laundry this evening.

18. Console your toddler while he/she cries.

19 Explain that in this house we don't call names.

20. Watch your toddler struggle to get into his/her pajamas.

21. Ask your toddler if you can help.

22. Continue watching your toddler struggle.

23. Watch your toddler try to wear a pair of pants like a shirt.

24. Console your toddler.

25. Put the wrong pair of pajamas on your toddler.

26. Announce that it's time to brush teeth.

27. Explain the benefits of dental hygiene.

28. Console your toddler.

29. Carry your toddler into the bathroom.

30. Put a microscopic amount of toothpaste (poison) onto the toddler toothbrush.

31. Wet toothbrush.

32. When your toddler opens his/her mouth 1/45th of an inch wide, attempt to clean teeth.

33. Your toddler will attempt to spit in the sink, but will actually spit on the counter. Clean it up.

34. Console your toddler.

35. Ask your toddler to pick out two books.

36. Toddler will pick out the two longest books in your home.

37. Read the first line of every third page of the two books.

38. Field unrelated questions and interruptions.

39. Tell toddler it's time for a good night kiss.

40. Toddler will be suddenly and urgently thirsty, give toddler a small drink of water.

41. Toddler will ask a question. Answer question.

42. Say "good night" and kiss toddler.

43. Toddler will ask for a hug. Hug toddler.

44. Toddler will take up a sudden interest in potty training and ask to use the bathroom. It's poop.

45. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that there is no poop.

46. Toddler may become afraid. Assure toddler that there is nothing to be afraid of.

47. Toddler will ask a question about life. Answer question.

48. Toddler will need another hug and kiss. Give hug and kiss.

49. Toddler needs to urinate. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that toddler actually urinates.

50. Toddler requires a sticker for urinating successfully.

51. Put a sticker on toddler's potty chart.

52. Toddler may want to tell you a brief 10-minute story. Listen to story while backing out of the room.

53. Turn off the light.

54. Toddler remembers that he/she needs a special stuffed animal.

55. Ask where the stuffed animal is.

56. Toddler tells you it's in the car. Find your keys and look in the car. It's not there.

57. Look in the living room.

58. Look in the kitchen.

59. Look in the backyard.

60. Scout the neighbor's property.

61. Find the toy in your toddler's room, under the bed.

62. Ask toddler if he/she knew the toy was under their bed.

63. Toddler will ask for dinner. Explain to toddler that dinner ended hours ago.

64. Toddler will cry that he/she is hungry. Explain to toddler that he/she should have eaten said dinner.

65. Explain that we do not call people in this house names.

66. Toddler will ask for hug and kiss. Hug and kiss toddler.

67. Toddler will ask you to help arrange his/her pillows and blankets. Arrange pillows and blankets.

68. Toddler will ask you three essay questions. Answer them.

69. Toddler will notice that the tag end of the blanket is next to his/her face and will kick it off. Fix blanket, this time with care and precision.

70. Toddler will ask for the hall light on. Turn on the hall light.

71. Toddler will ask for another story. Explain that there will be no more stories.

72. Toddler will ask what the plan for tomorrow is. Resist the urge to say, "I won't be here. I'm running away tonight."

73. Tell toddler "good night."

74. Toddler will say his/her back, legs or butt is itchy.

75. At your discretion, try to relieve itchiness through lotion or wipes.

76. Put toddler back in bed.

77. Arrange blanket in the proper formation.

78. Say good night.

79. Toddler will say "good night."

80. As you reach the door, toddler will inform you that he/she is not wearing socks.

81. Choose the wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

82. Choose another wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

83. Choose the right pair of socks for your toddler.

84. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler's feet.

85. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler's feet.

86. Get the right pair of socks the right way on your toddler's feet.

87. Use your last thread of energy to stand.

88. Say "good night."

89. Toddler will say "good night."

90. As you leave the room, toddler will ask for a sip of water with pathetic sad look on face.

91. Give toddler sip of water and beg to be released from this Hades.

92. Toddler will ask for a back rub/tapping.

93. Tap toddler's back until you lose feeling in your arm and your toddler seems tired.

94. Slowly stop tapping. Stand up. Try to float out of the room.

95. Toddler will look at you. Say, "it's time to go to bed."

96. If toddler cries, pretend to be serious this time.

97. Say "good night."

98. Act like you're walking downstairs but just linger by the door, out of sight.

99. Pray.

100. Walk downstairs.

You may now relax for 2-5 minutes before you're called back in. Congrats!

[Blackcat31]

:: :: That is funny and sadly pretty accurate.

Must be for first time parents though (or non-daycare providers)

After #39, I would have been done. NO more explaining.

Good night!

[craftymissbeth]

:: oh that made me cringe! ::

[SilverSabre25]

Totally funny. And somewhat true for my older daughter a couple years ago. I mean, clearly exaggerated, but still funny.

[butterfly]

I think one of my dck parents must have written this! I really think this is how their bedtime routine is. I used to often ask how bedtime went the night before, because there was a direct relation to how the behavior was the next day. I stopped asking - I just know now. They have asked me MANY times how to get a better bedtime routine. My answer is simple. "Put to bed, walk away." If the child gets up "Put to bed, walk away." I'm very pro bedtime stories and cuddles but with this particular family, the child rules all. It's absolutely ridiculous.

[Hunni Bee]

I'm afraid that this will be my future. There's already about 36 steps to put my 8-month-old to bed.

[TaylorTots]

Man, I always stopped at around 40. My kids knew I was patient as long as they didn't get out of their beds after I said it was bed time. The moment they got up, patient nice mom was GONE

[Leanna]

What no bath?
No lullaby? (sung in tune with musical instruments preferably)
No obsessive need to have stuffed animals arranged a certain way on the bed?
No sudden acute pain?
No awkward questions about death/sex/the meaning of life?
No "sleeping" for 30 seconds and then declare they had a nightmare?
No begging to sleep in your bed?

Oh sorry...that must just have been my kids

[spud912]

What no bath?
No lullaby? (sung in tune with musical instruments preferably)
No obsessive need to have stuffed animals arranged a certain way on the bed? No sudden acute pain?
No awkward questions about death/sex/the meaning of life?
No "sleeping" for 30 seconds and then declare they had a nightmare?
No begging to sleep in your bed?

Oh sorry...that must just have been my kids

Yes! With mine it's also several requests from both to sleep with each other (after I told them 5 times they will not be sleeping with me). Then me having to remove one from the other room because they were playing with each other (30 minutes into "bedtime," after I told them they will NOT be sleeping together).

[Unregistered]

sometimes I'm so happy to read that I'm not the only one! I often feel like I'm the worst parent in the world and everyone else is at home enjoying their time while their little ones are tucked nicely away in their own rooms while my kid is calling for me for the 20th time and I'm almost in tears. I'm sure this thread will be full of "not my kid" or "I wouldn't put up with that" but in three years we've tried crying it out, the no cry sleep solution, the lock the door and let them cry until they vomit, the lay on the floor with them, allowing them in our bed so we're not complete zombies at work, making their own bed on our floor, bringing their bed into our room, bringing our bed into their room, sitting in the hallway outside their room, reading every "expert" book there is, going on every message board and website there is, buying two beds, letting them pick out the 3rd bed, redecorating the room several times, hiring the $1200 sleep coach, bennedryl, melatonin, CDs clinically proven to help with sleep, pediatrician, sleep specialist, child psychiatrist, marriage counselor, etc, etc. *sigh*

[daycare]

sometimes I'm so happy to read that I'm not the only one! I often feel like I'm the worst parent in the world and everyone else is at home enjoying their time while their little ones are tucked nicely away in their own rooms while my kid is calling for me for the 20th time and I'm almost in tears. I'm sure this thread will be full of "not my kid" or "I wouldn't put up with that" but in three years we've tried crying it out, the no cry sleep solution, the lock the door and let them cry until they vomit, the lay on the floor with them, allowing them in our bed so we're not complete zombies at work, making their own bed on our floor, bringing their bed into our room, bringing our bed into their room, sitting in the hallway outside their room, reading every "expert" book there is, going on every message board and website there is, buying two beds, letting them pick out the 3rd bed, redecorating the room several times, hiring the $1200 sleep coach, bennedryl, melatonin, CDs clinically proven to help with sleep, pediatrician, sleep specialist, child psychiatrist, marriage counselor, etc, etc. *sigh*

i co-slept with all of my kids until the age of 8 9 or 10 and they never has sleep issues...

ok now you can laugh at me.............

[Unregistered]

I won't laugh, that makes me feel better! maybe i should just quit worrying what everyone else thinks. Obviously my kiddo needs something... I just hope her college roommate doesn't mind!

I just don't like when people tell me I'm spoiling her. She seems well adjusted- daycare has no idea we cosleep. They didn't know we nursed until age 2. They have no idea all the super "crunchy" things we do at home that most would thing would ruin her day there.

As I write this she's actually sleeping soundly upstairs in her own bed and didn't make a peep after I tucked her in. Figures...

[AslansG1rl]

I won't laugh. Co sleeping, I think, is perfectly fine. O belive I read somewhere that Ameroca is the one country that is so big on NOT co sleeping, but most other countries do it, and thee kids are fine. I child has been inside you for 9 months, then pushed in this crazy world and separated from mommy and daddy by wooden bars....

[FCCarmyprovider]

Is this my daughter?
Last night she really did pick the longest bed time story. Huckleberry finn & tom sawyer.. she's only 2 1/2 so I read from another book while she pretended to read Huck & finns great adventure. I love that she loves to read like me, but maybe we could just read books like the town mouse and the country mouse until youre a bit older sweetie.

[coolconfidentme]

I must have been a horrible parent.

1) Pick up toddler like a sack of potatoes.
2) Change toddler.
3) Ker-plop toddler in bed.
4) Shut door.., hard.
5) Turn whine o'clock into wine o'clock.