OT--Need Some Advice About DH

[Unregistered]

I am logging on unregistered because the whole thing is pretty embarrassing:-(...

My DH is just so emotionally immature sometimes that I just don't know what to say to him. It's like trying to rationalize with a 6yo boy when he wants his way. I am just so unbelievably frustrated-- DH throws these little "tantrums" now and then and breaks things. Last year he got frustrated with my laptop and punched it, destroying it, and refused to give me ANY money for it. It cost me $450 to replace it. Yesterday he got frustrated with my $150 vacuum and broke it. And of course he says it wasn't worth $150 so he won't pay me for it; instead, he will buy a cheap one that I can't pick out. We HAVE to have a decent vacuum at our house, pets and kids.

He is an extremely cheap person who hoards his $$ all for himself, his grandpa and mom were exactly the same way (ever since I met him, he complained how miserable his childhood was because of their extreme cheapness! But he has BECOME them!!). He has well over $100k in vings but won't spend a dime on our house (which was mine before I met him). He does pay half of all the bills and mortgage, and it's like he has always resented me for that, even though it's a low mortgage and I have tons of equity in the house--he would honestly live in a dump just to save $. Seriously.

How do I talk to someone who responds like a f-in' child?? How do you rationalize with someone who just refuses to see things another way? I guess I am taking a chance that someone on here has a DH like this:-/ I can't threaten to kick him out because I can't follow through with that right now. I just need to get through to him somehow!

I am in a situation financially and with my children where I cannot kick him out. Someday, yes, but I am stuck for now. He is a good father and easy going when he is getting his way, so it's not like we are living in hell here. I just need some way to get through to him!)

[My3cents]

I am logging on unregistered because the whole thing is pretty embarrassing:-(...

My DH is just so emotionally immature sometimes that I just don't know what to say to him. It's like trying to rationalize with a 6yo boy when he wants his way. I am just so unbelievably frustrated-- DH throws these little "tantrums" now and then and breaks things. Last year he got frustrated with my laptop and punched it, destroying it, and refused to give me ANY money for it. It cost me $450 to replace it. Yesterday he got frustrated with my $150 vacuum and broke it. And of course he says it wasn't worth $150 so he won't pay me for it; instead, he will buy a cheap one that I can't pick out. We HAVE to have a decent vacuum at our house, pets and kids.

He is an extremely cheap person who hoards his $$ all for himself, his grandpa and mom were exactly the same way (ever since I met him, he complained how miserable his childhood was because of their extreme cheapness! But he has BECOME them!!). He has well over $100k in vings but won't spend a dime on our house (which was mine before I met him). He does pay half of all the bills and mortgage, and it's like he has always resented me for that, even though it's a low mortgage and I have tons of equity in the house--he would honestly live in a dump just to save $. Seriously.

How do I talk to someone who responds like a f-in' child?? How do you rationalize with someone who just refuses to see things another way? I guess I am taking a chance that someone on here has a DH like this:-/ I can't threaten to kick him out because I can't follow through with that right now. I just need to get through to him somehow!

I am in a situation financially and with my children where I cannot kick him out. Someday, yes, but I am stuck for now. He is a good father and easy going when he is getting his way, so it's not like we are living in hell here. I just need some way to get through to him!)

His Tantrums boarder abuse to me. It's not a physical abuse, but a mental unstable one.

I would leave whatever he broke right there until he cleaned it up for all to see that he did that, or move it to a safe location but still one that would be seen by others. I wouldn't put up with that in the first place so I have no good advice for you- You might not be in hell right now but sure looks like your on the road to it-

Enabler stands out to me here. Classic Enabler

[TwinKristi]

I'm a firm believer in community money. Why is he putting all that money into savings when you're married? What does he plan to do with if?
I don't know... He sounds like he has some issues he needs to work out. If he made that $100k he has in savings while you were married, isn't it half yours? If you took out $100k in debt and divorced half would be yours as well. That's all so childish and immature. I can't stand when my dh acts like a child and doesn't hold up his end of our relationship. It's a two way road and I wouldn't just sit there and let him ruin it. Is he at all willing to try counseling? Mine won't go and it kills me! I know we could benefit from it greatly.

[MotherNature]

He is abusive- seizing the finances with an iron fist is an issue of control to make sure you don't think you can survive on your own. Also, the breaking things! and then refusing to replace them or replacing them w/ cheap substitutes!! is extremely emotionally manipulative. He may be a great father, etc..but the example he's showing your kids is something they will see & perhaps repeat, especially since you said it runs in his family. He learned those behaviours as well. Don't just sit there and take it. If he won't go to counseling, leave! You guys deserve better. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I stayed in an abusive relationship for way longer than I should have. I should have left his sorry ass years before I did & I regret not doing it sooner. Also-legally, half of that $ is yours, so if you need to get out...use it!

[craftymissbeth]

He is abusive- seizing the finances with an iron fist is an issue of control to make sure you don't think you can survive on your own. Also, the breaking things! and then refusing to replace them or replacing them w/ cheap substitutes!! is extremely emotionally manipulative. He may be a great father, etc..but the example he's showing your kids is something they will see & perhaps repeat, especially since you said it runs in his family. He learned those behaviours as well. Don't just sit there and take it. If he won't go to counseling, leave! You guys deserve better. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I stayed in an abusive relationship for way longer than I should have. I should have left his sorry ass years before I did & I regret not doing it sooner. Also-legally, half of that $ is yours, so if you need to get out...use it!

From what you have described your husband is abusive. Him hoarding his money is a prime example of abuse. He breaks the items that make YOUR life easier and then refuses to replace them... that's horrible and another example of controlling you through money and possessions.

My DH honestly was exactly like this. I'm not even sure how many of my cell phones he threw against the wall and shattered. I finally realized that I'd never let my CHILD treat me that way let alone a grown a$$ man! I'm not even totally sure how I did it, but i made it clear that Id make it work without him and I'd be happy to do it. He did go to counseling for awhile and that helped tremendously.

Sweetie, your husband thinks you're totally dependent on him to survive. I suggest counseling for you both and if he refuses show him the door. It's scary being on the verge of separation, but you cannot live your life fully and happily with him doing this to you.

Whatever you choose to do... follow through. Just like with a toddler.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[Lil'DinoEggs]

In our family, I am the money hoarder and my husband is the money spender. He would literally spend every dime of his paycheck whereas I am constantly putting money away. The only way we can work is that we work together. That being said while we cannot change our partners, you need to have a coming to Jesus talk with him either just about the vacuum (I need it for my business, it is tax deductible and lets try a used quality one) or seeking a counselor about your issues as a whole.

As the hoarder, it can be a very honest fear he has that is affecting his and your quality of living; therefore, counsel is the best way to go.

:hug:

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the advice, it's much appreciated.. I should have explained one thing though-- With the daycare and an online job, I don't need his money, so I don't think it's a control thing with him, he just refuses to grow the hell up!! Yes, it would be hard with all the bills to myself but I could do it. BUT I have been working so very hard to get my own online business up and running and to kick him out would put an end to all my hard work. And I want to be successful at this not just for myself but for my children. Its more just his damn selfishness and $ hoarding. I mean, he doesn't even have a goal for l that money, he will literally die with it!

[Heidi]

Thanks for the advice, it's much appreciated.. I should have explained one thing though-- With the daycare and an online job, I don't need his money, so I don't think it's a control thing with him, he just refuses to grow the hell up!! Yes, it would be hard with all the bills to myself but I could do it. BUT I have been working so very hard to get my own online business up and running and to kick him out would put an end to all my hard work. And I want to be successful at this not just for myself but for my children. Its more just his damn selfishness and $ hoarding. I mean, he doesn't even have a goal for l that money, he will literally die with it!

Well, my dear...

First of all, in most states, half that money is yours whether or not your name is on the account. It's marital property.

Second, if you split up, he WILL have to pay to help support his children. Usually somewhere between 23-31 percent of his gross income, PLUS half the health insurance.

The other ladies are right. Breaking your things and throwing tantrums are abusive behaviors. The pay off for him is you comply. He's bullying you into submission. Each and every day, your sense of self-worth is being pummeled. My guess is there are times when he is "so sweet". Classic...

Please go talk to someone by yourself. First, a counselor, then an attorney. Know your rights, please!

Also, please remember that even if he is great with the kids, they are SEEING and LIVING this example. Your daughters will think it's ok to be bullied, and your sons will think it's okay to be bullies to their SO's. It is NOT ok!

[Josiegirl]

Do you WANT your marriage to work? If so, seek counseling, if only for yourself. If you want out, please go to a lawyer now. Protect yourself and your childrens' rights.

[Cat Herder]

DH throws these little "tantrums" now and then and breaks things.

got frustrated with my laptop and punched it, destroying it, and refused to give me ANY money for it. It cost me $450 to replace it.

got frustrated with my $150 vacuum and broke it. And of course he says it wasn't worth $150 so he won't pay me for it

He is an extremely cheap person who hoards his $$ all for himself

(won't spend a dime on our house (which was mine before I met him). He does pay half of all the bills and mortgage, and it's like he has always resented me for that

I can't threaten to kick him out because I can't follow through with that right now.
I am in a situation financially and with my children where I cannot kick him out.

I don't need his money

Yes, it would be hard with all the bills to myself but I could do it.

Sounds like you guys are caught in a circle argument and he is at his breaking point.

IMHO, Nobody is being heard and everybody is keeping score.

In all honesty I would not be willing to sink my money into someone else's house, even if they claimed it was mine, too. I'd resent being expected to. He knows that there is not a judge on this earth who will put you out of your house with your kids. I'd guess you know this too?

Counseling and some major changes in expectations of one another are the only thing I can recommend.

Good luck :hug: Marriage is hard, blended family issues are harder.

[_Dana_]

Well, my dear...

First of all, in most states, half that money is yours whether or not your name is on the account. It's marital property.

Second, if you split up, he WILL have to pay to help support his children. Usually somewhere between 23-31 percent of his gross income, PLUS half the health insurance.

The other ladies are right. Breaking your things and throwing tantrums are abusive behaviors. The pay off for him is you comply. He's bullying you into submission. Each and every day, your sense of self-worth is being pummeled. My guess is there are times when he is "so sweet". Classic...

Please go talk to someone by yourself. First, a counselor, then an attorney. Know your rights, please!

Also, please remember that even if he is great with the kids, they are SEEING and LIVING this example. Your daughters will think it's ok to be bullied, and your sons will think it's okay to be bullies to their SO's. It is NOT ok!

Yes to EVERYTHING that Heidi said.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I know it is only a matter or time before it escalates further. Follow Heidi's advice. Also start to make a safety plan or have a plan of action in case he does physically hurt you in the meantime. Document everything. Every time he breaks property or makes threats, if anyone was around (usually not b/c he does have self-control), etc. It shows a pattern.

Also, a good father would NOT disrespect their children's mother. He is not being a good role model. Furthermore, he is showing them that it is okay to undermine you....something that they will pick up on and join in on.

Be careful. Visit a counselor and attorney, but don't tell him. Women are most at risk for more harm and death when they are trying to leave their abuser. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. >>Hugs<<

[grandmom]

Heidi is right on.

A "good father" would not break their mother's things. You are teaching your children how to treat their spouse, either by breaking things, or to live in fear and allow things to be broken.

This will escalate.

I say this in love, dear friend, because I lived something very similar. Emotional abuse is abuse.

Go see a counselor. And an attorney. Not necessarily in that order.