Completely OT - Please Help

[Blackcat31]

My husband isn't a "talker", so after all these years I have learned to "respect" his quietness even if it is a "pout" tactic.....I have also learned it is so much easier to focus on the other person's faults. Someone stated earlier how women have a fantasy about how it should be..... I am guilt of that as well, but when I put it on paper, my hubby doesn't drink/drugs/is not abusive, loves my kids and loves me, holds a job steadily, etc. I think in time we take each other for granted. Marriage is almost another job and it often gets put on the back burner....I have been married 20 years this year.....our kids are into sports, we have church/school functions so time has to be made for each other....sadly, we have not done that enough and as I write this post, I know what I must work on for future use.

My DH and I both handle stress differently. He works alone at home all day. Nothing but the radio, his own thoughts and the hum of his machinery to occupy him.

I work with a million little grabby hands and manage a million needs a day. Nothing but whines, cries and "Nooooo's" going on that I can hardly hear my radio or my own thoughts.

Obviously when we get off work, we need to wind down differently and need different things from each other.

He needs an ear and I need silence.

We had to find a happy medium or neither of us would have stayed sane.

Now, we chat while he cooks dinner and I sit at the breakfast bar listening to him but not really doing anything other than sitting.

After dinner, I clean up (in silence).

Then we sit down and watch TV or a movie together or play a game. Sometimes we listen to music, sometimes we have the TV on and sometimes nothing....depends on how we are feeling.

HOWEVER, our deal is that if either of us wants to talk about something or just mull it over silently to ourselves, we NEED to openly communicate that to the other.

I need to state "Hun, I need to have some time alone right now" so he understands that my silence has NOTHING to do with him. Same for him. He communicates what it is that he wants at the time so I know it has NOTHING to do with me.

It sounds funny but really we have to state our needs as if we are talking to a preschooler. Not because either of us are developmentally delayed.... :: but because we (as men and women AND as humans) communicate, process and understand differently that the other.

Communication REALLY is the key.

The more primitive/simple the conversation, the more productive it is.

I met my DH in high school. We've been through everything together.

We are empty nesters now and really enjoying the things about each other that had gotten lost or forgotten while we were busy raising kids and trying to survive....but suddenly here we are. It's good.

[BrooklynM]

I have been where you are at, and I would like to share a little of my journey and offer some advice based on my experience and what I learned along the way.

First of all, be in no rush. You have nothing but time to make any decisions.

Secondly, stop trying to figure out a way to get through to him and concentrate on the only thing you have in your control- YOU. Work on yourself and your own behaviors. Don't try to "manage" or change him in anyway. Let things roll off your back. If he is taking care of the kids and he feeds them McDonalds-let him. If you were to divorced you would have no control over this at all. In the end, concentrating on the little things will destroy the big things. My mom used to have a magnet on our fridge that said- I am not stopped by the mountain in my path, but by the pebble in my shoe.

Be the best you that you can be. Be the person to him that you would want to him to be to you. Try everything you can before you make any decisions so you will never live in regret.

If one day down the road if you do decide to end the marriage, make sure you do it out of love for yourself, for him and for the kids.

My divorce was a LONG journey. I can honestly say we tried everything. It was difficult and painful and I realized I can only control me. I couldn't control him especially after we divorced. He fed them things and let them watch things (not too terribly bad) that I wouldn't, but in the end he provided for them and he is a great father. Fast forward to today and we are in a wonderful place. We have an amazing friendship and I have an even better friendship with his current wife. I watch their 2 amazing babies and my kids get to see their half siblings everyday. We share 50/50 custody of the kids, which I strongly believe if both parties want 50%, they should get it because both parents are equally important to the kids well being.

Second marriages are tough. With my first, I knew exactly what I had. With my second, there have been a lot of surprises that I wasn't expecting. It's nothing to go into now, but I do think that second marriages have higher divorce rates for a reason.

Before we get to ahead of ourselves with divorce and a stepmom for your kids, however, lets get back to you right now, today. Ask yourself if you are the person you want to be and if you are being the best you that you can be-YOU can only change YOU. YOU can only make YOU happy. Start there, the rest will follow. :hug:

[Cat Herder]

I hit similar roadblocks in my marriage with the daily struggles blocking out the joys. I spent hours trying to make him understand what I needed, sometimes when I did not know myself. (as it turns out that was more often than I knew)

Talking, talking, talking... venting, venting, venting. He did not get it. Could not. I could see from the pitiful look on his face that he desperately wanted to, but I was making no sense. I was inconsistent, volatile and one sided.(some men get defensive or argumentative instead of quiet or withdrawn... for the very same reasons, go figure )

Then it hit me, instead of spending so much energy trying to get him to see things from my viewpoint, I needed to learn something about his. I read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay and spent some time reading discussions in divorce/marriage advice forums for men.

It is amazing what context they get out of things we see as "trivial" (and vice versa).... a look, a brush off, interrupting them, even shutting them down with an annoyed sigh or cleaning behind them.

It changed things for us. Big time. There may or may not be socks in the floor but the glint in his eye and smirk on his face works for me.

Just like the star for terminating clients, put it on the calendar for 90 days... then re-evaluate. This is something you can't take back....

[Josiegirl]

Read Too Good To Stay, Too Bad To Leave by Mira Kirschenbaum. It helped me make some decisions when I had no one to help me through. I'd been married 30+ years, even told my therapist 'you'd think after 30 years I'd have it all down pat'. She said nope, that's when lots of troubles in a marriage surface. She's the one who recommended that book to me.

I wish you the very best of luck as you work your way through all of this.

[My3cents]

It seems like we all chatted this out last year or maybe longer then that. This post is screaming dejavu at me, and prob because it is common scenario. Red Flag to me was seasonal depression or depression?

You have received awesome advice here......

My thoughts were figure out you. Don't look to someone else to make you happy. If happiness comes from someone else think of it as a bonus. What makes you tick and what makes your husband tick are two different things because we all have our own personalities and ways. Finding out how to make them mesh together is the key. I suggest counseling. If he won't go, then go for yourself. Let it all out and don't hold back.

I am all for making a marriage work but when it just won't then staying in a marriage for the wrong reasons is not the answer.

Communication is key. I have seen so many women not able to talk with their husband out of fear. All different kinds of fear. As much as you hear me say I strive for balance and I do. Life is not always balanced out right. Sometimes the give is higher then the take and sometimes the take is higher then the give.........but when it red lines for too long then you need to work on issues. Not being able to communicate your issues to your partner out of fear will resolve nothing.

I have been married for over twenty years and it is work! Hard work, has its up and downs. When things start to go off balance we both work hard to figure it out and set it back on track and do what we both have to do to make things better for us. After the kids grow up and leave (most likely they will and quicker then you think) all you have is each other-

I so agree that divorce effects everyone not just the couple. We have had good friends that were like family to us and they divorced and unfortunately the friendships seemed to divorce in the process too, and all the extended family that came along with it. So sad. This was us---->

Another red flag is who are you afraid of your husband taking your kids around? Seems like there is more to this then is said.

I hope your able to find the answers your looking for- bestlovethis

[Jack Sprat]

Great advice has already been given. I will add my thoughts.

When talking to your DH use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I feel I'm not understood", "I feel unappreciated". It helps a lot and helps prevent others from getting defensive. Also, praise the little things he does when he does help. To you it may be little, but to him it was hug

[Michael]

We have had the talk you had with your husband - a million times. It gets better for a bit then goes back to taking me for granted. I feel defeated.

Basically, what im trying to say is that counseling could really help here. Maybe he doesn't get what you are saying but will listen to someone else explaining it.

Hope you don't mind a man's foot in the conversation. I agree with the counseling. It seems your husband tries to make things better after you explain how you feel but he still doesn't understand your needs. Counseling would give each of you an objective perspective that will help guide you forward in realizing each other's situation.

I would like to pay for your first counseling session. The two of you have nothing to lose in trying. Write to me at director@daycare.com

[Unregistered]

Thank you to everyone for your wise words and support. Honestly, just knowing that what I am going through is somewhat normal helped me so much. I really can't thank any of you enough. You all gave me invaluable advice!

I just really wanted to thank you all!

THANK YOU!

[boysx5]

This is a demanding job we all do. Not much time for us. As your kids get older you will get the time. I always suggest some alone time and try some date nites. Also if your not happy your kids won't be happy if you stay married just for the kids. Marriage is hard work everyday. Hang in there

[Crazy8]

as usual, I agree with everything BlackCat has said to you - saved me a lot of typing.

I think sometimes we also have an idea of what love/romance/marriage should be like and when it isn't like that anymore we feel like we don't love the person. I was there once. I don't know if you are a religious person, I actually am not, but I came across the book The Love Dare and watched the movie based on it called Fireproof (horrible acting, but great message) and it probably saved my marriage at that time. YOU have to be willing to do the work though, and not put the "blame" on your spouse. When I did this it really opened my eyes to what I have done to cause the rift in our marriage.

I also have a dc family divorcing right now and I see what it has done to them and their kids (she wanted divorce, he didn't) and I would never cause that type of hurt in my family.

[missy]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, it is such a tough decision to make. I contemplated (even fantasized) about leaving my man for so long--for many of the same reasons as you. He just never did ANYTHING for me, nothing. We both work full time yet I did 99% of everything for all of us. I was so exhausted and had so much resentment and anger toward him that I just couldn't wait to be on my own again even as a single mom, I was so fed up. I would think of how much less stressful my life would be without him there--less laundry, chores, cleaning. So I finally got the nerve and kicked him out....

Then a few days after he left it just hit me like a ton of bricks, this "oh my God what did I just do" feeling. I suddenly realized that I really had given up a good man, he was an awesome daddy, everyone in my family loved him. And he really was a good person.

Long story short, I realized that most of our problems were because of my bad attitude. I was so bitter and angry that I was NOT fun to live with. We eventually got back together and I have really changed my own attitude about things a lot. I decided I just wasn't going to be miserable anymore, my misery affected everyone and everything in my life. Generally speaking, men are real slackers when it comes to relationships. They just don't care about certain things like we women do. So we just have to pick up their slack in some areas and take the initiative. So now I playfully tell him that he needs to do something sweet for me this week, or that he needs to buy me something little when he goes to the store, and he does and he loves to do it. And I just TELL him (nicely) what chores he needs to do, and he does them and doesn't ever complain (because he knew he should be helping more). Most men are just not going to be the romantic, passionate men we see in the movies, we have to help them along!

Maybe some time apart would help you. But maybe just a little self reflection could help you like it did me:-). Gold luck to u!!