Got News I’m Losing A Family This Morning..Heavy Hearted!

[Provider_Manda]

This morning I greeted my first dck I seen that big smile on her face. I became close with dcm, and dcg I have had them almost a year. Such a great family! Well dcm looks at me with tears in her eyes and tells me that this will be dcg's last week. I was shocked and asked if everything was ok. Seems that dcm got married just a couple of months ago and the relationship has turned abusive. She does not feel safe and does not want her child around it. So they are moving back to her home state without him knowing. I am at a loss. I don't know what to say, or what to do. I love dcm and dcg. I hugged her this morning and told her that if there was anything I could do to please let me know. This is all a shock to me, and I am not sure how to handle it.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this??

Did I do enough?

Is there something more I can do??

I feel so bad for them, and at this point it's not even about the money, its about their safety and that I am losing a friend and my son's best friend Please say a prayer for them.

[momofboys]

This morning I greeted my first dck I seen that big smile on her face. I became close with dcm, and dcg I have had them almost a year. Such a great family! Well dcm looks at me with tears in her eyes and tells me that this will be dcg's last week. I was shocked and asked if everything was ok. Seems that dcm got married just a couple of months ago and the relationship has turned abusive. She does not feel safe and does not want her child around it. So they are moving back to her home state without him knowing. I am at a loss. I don't know what to say, or what to do. I love dcm and dcg. I hugged her this morning and told her that if there was anything I could do to please let me know. This is all a shock to me, and I am not sure how to handle it.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this??

Did I do enough?


I feel so bad for them, and at this point it's not even about the money, its about their safety and that I am losing a friend and my son's best friend Please say a prayer for them.

Wow! That is terrible! The only thing I would mention is if this mom is really in an abusive relationship she needs to leave NOW - no waiting a week. Why is she waiting?!?! I would be really concerned & on pins & needles this week for her.

[Scout]

awww, that is so sad! I think all you can do is offer support at this point and cry! My first family left a week ago and I cried like a baby as soon as they walked out the door! I miss the kids and was sad all last week! I will pray they get out safely.:hug:

[Provider_Manda]

She has nothing, and she said that he has access of everything. So she is trying to find out if her vehicle will make the long trip back home. I assured her that I would not allow him to pick up dcg. DCG is his step daughter but he has picked her up many times before. I just hate it. I know him, and my husband went to school with him..it is just so hard to believe that he would do something like this...But then again I don't really trust anyone any more and anything is possible. Plus DCM has never given me a reason not to believe her. My heart is just broken for her.

[caregiver]

Wow! That is terrible! The only thing I would mention is if this mom is really in an abusive relationship she needs to leave NOW - no waiting a week. Why is she waiting?!?! I would be really concerned & on pins & needles this week for her.

I totally agree! I would suggest to her that she gets out now for her & her daughter's safety. A week is a week too long, even if she has to find another way to get back home if her car might not make it. Maybe go to a shelter for abused women for a few days until she finds out if the car will make it. There she will be safe and can figure things out.

[_Dana_]

This post really hits close to home for me. I am a survivor of domestic violence. IF it is not possible for her to leave right away, encourage her to call a domestic violence org to assist her in obtaining a protection order and to create a safety plan in the event that he threatens or acts out against her. It is very important that you empower her. She must make her own choices, because up til know, the abuser has likely manipulated, demeaned her, and controlled everything. The time that a women plans to leave her abuser is the most dangerous for her and the children. Expect the abuse to escalate before she leaves. More women are killed by their intimate partner when they are trying to leave than at any other point in their abusive relationship. I would also work out a safety plan for yourself in the event that he shows up. You never know. Don't assume that you can talk to or negotiate with an abuser.

I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Helping Children Thrive: Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers" by Linda Baker and Alison Cunningham. Helping Children Thrive can be accessed online for free at http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM.pdf Both books discuss the effects of domestic violence on women, women as mothers, and the children that are exposed to it. Considering that one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime and between 10-20% of children will be exposed to domestic violence, this is just good information to have handy, especially since we primarily work with mothers and their children.

I am glad that she is taking the steps necessary to get safe. And I am glad that you are an understanding, supportive friend. I stayed with my ex for 5 years. I have calcification on my ribs and neck from injuries I received during that time. It took 2 weeks until the confidential safe shelter had room for my son and me, until then, I had to pretend that everything was normal. We stayed at the shelter for 8 months. He consistently violated my protection order. It has been almost 8 years since I left him. He continues to be a huge PITA by making passive aggressive remarks to my husband and refusing to pay child support. He has a new wife and new baby. Everyday I am scared that she is living the same hell I did 8 years ago.

[KidGrind]

This morning I greeted my first dck I seen that big smile on her face. I became close with dcm, and dcg I have had them almost a year. Such a great family! Well dcm looks at me with tears in her eyes and tells me that this will be dcg's last week. I was shocked and asked if everything was ok. Seems that dcm got married just a couple of months ago and the relationship has turned abusive. She does not feel safe and does not want her child around it. So they are moving back to her home state without him knowing. I am at a loss. I don't know what to say, or what to do. I love dcm and dcg. I hugged her this morning and told her that if there was anything I could do to please let me know. This is all a shock to me, and I am not sure how to handle it.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this??

Did I do enough?

Is there something more I can do??

I feel so bad for them, and at this point it's not even about the money, its about their safety and that I am losing a friend and my son's best friend Please say a prayer for them.

It's a very bad & sad situation for your DCF. I am praying for them. I applaud the DCM for keeping her wits about her & removing her child from a bad situation.

I've witnessed associates and clients go through abusive relationships. I've stopped helping years ago because they 9 out of 10 times go back. I don't feel the urge or need to put myself, family and business in an unsafe situation any more.

Yes, you listened.

No. There is nothing more you can do. Unless you learn she stays then you should report her for child neglect.

[melilley]

Poor dcm and dcg, I will be thinking of them!

I have a dcb who's parents are recently going through a divorce because dcd was abusive to dcm. She dropped off one day and told me that she was leaving dcd because he is abusive to her and enough is enough. I too gave her a hug and told her that if there was anything I could do to let me know. That's about all I could do. Fortunately dcd left the house and dcm and dcb were able to stay in their house and he still comes here.

I never thought of dcd as being an abusive person. He picked up often and was always really nice, but thinking back I did see some indicators (for lack of a better word) from mom, but I didn't know.

Now dcd and dcm share custody and dcd doesn't pick up anymore. Mom said that dcd is moving back into town this month so he may pick up. It's going to be so weird when he does. I know there are two sides to every story, but it's just going to be weird.

And I agree, she should leave now. There are shelters for domestic abuse victims.

[caregiver]

This post really hits close to home for me. I am a survivor of domestic violence. IF it is not possible for her to leave right away, encourage her to call a domestic violence org to assist her in obtaining a protection order and to create a safety plan in the event that he threatens or acts out against her. It is very important that you empower her. She must make her own choices, because up til know, the abuser has likely manipulated, demeaned her, and controlled everything. The time that a women plans to leave her abuser is the most dangerous for her and the children. Expect the abuse to escalate before she leaves. More women are killed by their intimate partner when they are trying to leave than at any other point in their abusive relationship. I would also work out a safety plan for yourself in the event that he shows up. You never know. Don't assume that you can talk to or negotiate with an abuser.

I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Helping Children Thrive: Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers" by Linda Baker and Alison Cunningham. Helping Children Thrive can be accessed online for free at http://www.lfcc.on.ca/HCT_SWASM.pdf Both books discuss the effects of domestic violence on women, women as mothers, and the children that are exposed to it. Considering that one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime and between 10-20% of children will be exposed to domestic violence, this is just good information to have handy, especially since we primarily work with mothers and their children.

I am glad that she is taking the steps necessary to get safe. And I am glad that you are an understanding, supportive friend. I stayed with my ex for 5 years. I have calcification on my ribs and neck from injuries I received during that time. It took 2 weeks until the confidential safe shelter had room for my son and me, until then, I had to pretend that everything was normal. We stayed at the shelter for 8 months. He consistently violated my protection order. It has been almost 8 years since I left him. He continues to be a huge PITA by making passive aggressive remarks to my husband and refusing to pay child support. He has a new wife and new baby. Everyday I am scared that she is living the same hell I did 8 years ago.

I am so sorry that you had to go through all that Dana. I sure hope that his new wife has not had to go through the same thing, but, you know what, as they say "Once a abuser,always a abuser." So unfortunately, she has or is going through the same thing. Do they live in the same state that you live in? Just wondering if there was any way you or someone else could find out if she is getting abused. Do they get to have visitaion with your child at all?

[Provider_Manda]

She left that same day. I have had phone calls from her family and from her husband of course the stories have changed and I really do not know the truth. All I know is that they did get out and are now in another state. All I can do is pray for both families who are involved and hopefully the kids will be kept safe. Thanks for all the replies and those who have gone through domestic violence before, I am very sorry. No one should ever have to live in fear, and be abused.